Nice Canadian Couple Seeks Offspring...

Oh Wow. Time is so stinkin' precious!

2011-10-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

I used to cling to this blog. It was my diary that answered. Letting my emotions flow out through my fingers and out into the world. Like butterflies. Or bees. Or ugly bats. Depending on what emotions they were, I suppose.

Okay. Little update. I feel like I'm drowning. I am so in love with Brogan it's pathetic, and he's so happy and normal it's also pathetic. I'm lucky and he's amazing and yet my life is so busy I have zero, zero time to myself. Which isn't surprising because it's been like that since I was like, sixteen years old.

Honestly, I have worked full time for LITERALLY 29 years already, and I am only 40 years old. I went to work 8 hour shifts all week at my parent's restaurant when I was 11. Yes, I did. I was homeschooled and we all worked when we were old enough. Sigh. I can't defend it.... I think it was a horrible way to start a life, to be honest, and although it taught me a lot of important crap, like how to be a hard worker, and how to be great with people and how to bullshit my way to anything, it also taught me that my only value to the world is how much I can work.

So I do. I work. And work and work and work. And when I am not working I am being a fabulous mommy to a beautiful little boy. Which means I sleep about four hours a night and spend the rest of the time cooing, singing, tucking, wiping, dressing and researching my precious little boy. When I'm not running what is becoming a medium sized business (can't stay it's that small with nine full time employees and the amount of work we do, can we?) ... can we?

Sigh. Becoming a rant / whine when it should be an update. Oh wait... I hear stirrings of Brogan behind me in the bedroom... it's 9:40 and I am so tired I can hardly think and most likely the next eight hours will be spent watching over, nursing, and calming my boy. I wish sleep were not essential to existing, because there is too much to do to really waste time doing it!

Week Nine

2011-09-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Well. Weeks 1 through 8 really flew by in a stuck-in-peanut butter, speeding-bullet kind of way. It's been a crawling blur. That's what it feels like when you average four hours of sleep, ten hours of having your breasts chewed on, six hours of staring in amazement at the tiny creature you pushed out of your ya-hoo and four hours of trying to appear to have some sort of career.

Brogan is a wonderful baby. He doesn't cry unless he's peed or pooped and wants a fresh canvas to cradle his arse, or he's hungry, or he needs to relieve a few gas bubbles from one end or the other (depends on which you hold up higher). He hasn't had a bit of diaper rash, sleeps reasonably through most of the night, and other than a lovely rash across his cheeks that comes (when we're leaving the house and I want to show off my adorable baby) and goes (when we're alone at home and nobody is there to comment on his perfectly smooth cheeks).

I'm head over heels in love with him, of course. I haven't had a lot of time for anything else in life up until now. Like.. makeup or showering at a reasonable time, or going to work, or shaving my legs. I guess my reasoning was that if I don't have time to shave my legs I sure as hell don't have time to write in a blog.

I shaved my legs yesterday. I even pulled one out from under the sheets to show my husband; to prove that I had actually SHAVED my legs. He was fashionably impressed, then we both went to sleep with two and a half men playing on the television and Brogan snoring in his bassinet beside the bed. That's us... the horribly ordinary Canadian married couple.... (I love being horribly ordinary after a life of being anything but that).

I digress.

Okay... some cool things about my baby.

1. He has red hair. Yep. It's gloriously red with a beautiful little bald patch in the back from his wide eyed head tossing, usually when he wakes up somewhere that he did NOT to go to sleep in.

2. Brogan snores. Quite loudly, actually. It's really odd to look at the cherub-like face and hearing logger-like snores.

3. He doesn't coo very often... but he does growl. Touch him when he's wanting some space and he scrunches up his face and growls. Sometimes he does it just to communicate and will copy you if you start it first. This week has brought more cooing and less growling... something I am both happy about and kind of sad. I wanted to see his baby growls develop into toddler growls....

4. He's working on head control, and getting better at it. He's not freaking everyone out by being a human bobble head every time a hand isn't holding up his adorable red-headed noggin. Yesterday he had tummy time (aka baby boot camp) and watched CSI Miami for a full three minutes with his head up in the air. Ok, I get it. Just have to have all those freaky colors on the screen in order for him to be interested.

Okay.. I'm exhausted now! Got to get to bed so I can wake up in a few hours and nurse the little bundle of joy! I mean that... he IS a little bundle of joy - hasn't been one minute of one day that I haven't felt blessed and honored to take care of him...

:)

Brogan's Birth

2011-08-03T04:49:00.000-07:00

Wow... how to start... when to start...

The week before Brogan was born I began having small signs that things were happening, and I had a lot of false labour going on.

On July 3rd, Sunday, I was home all day, helping out with some of the lighter reno chores... putting together Ikea shelving, directing as much as I could, and generally getting in the way more than anything.

My in-laws were also there helping out, and I found myself telling my father in law to come and sit on the front porch and take a break (he was looking tired!). He kind of ignored me for the most part and pretty soon I just announced that I had had enough and was going to sit on the deck.

I knew I had been having contractions off and on, but when I was sitting on the deck, I noticed they had been coming pretty regular again and decided to start timing them. It was almost exactly 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

By 4 o'clock I'd had four 40 second contractions ten minutes apart, and then they suddenly dropped to six and seven minutes apart and still 40 seconds long. Around 4:30, David went out to get groceries for supper ( I was STARVING) and I climbed into the tub and called my mom. By the time he got home, and I got out of the tub, the contractions were five minutes apart and still at least 40 seconds long.

Now it gets kind of funny... I insisted that David find the one and only summer pregnancy dress I own because I did NOT want have pants on... and while getting dressed, thought David was making dinner (chicken spinach salad...mmm.... (did I mention how hungry I was?). I was still on the phone with my mom and timing the contractions, which were between four and three minutes long... sometimes going up to five. I couldn't talk through them very well, but they peaked pretty fast and were not getting stronger with each one, instead, every once in a while I'd barely count one as a contraction because it wasn't very strong. I did have more bloody show throughout the day, but nothing really alarming.

I actually thought it was false labour because I've always thought pregnant woman had very little interest in eating when they were in labour.... anyhow... I came out expecting food and instead, David was painting the kitchen???? I wasn't upset with him, but rather supportive because I saw how anxious he was... and of course, I still didn't think I was in labour although I wasn't sure at this point.

So, while David put the last coat of paint on the kitchen, much to my amusement, I stood at the table in the middle of our half-put-together kitchen making salads, and concentrating through a contraction every three minutes.

Before we sat down to eat, I called L&D to ask if they thought I should come in to have the baby checked even though he was moving around nicely. They said with contractions that close I should could come in and they would assess me, but it was my decision as long as I wasn't bleeding and there was no membrane rupture. We decided to eat dinner and go in afterwards.

David put in a movie that we'd wanted to see (The King's Speech) and as we were sitting down on the couch, I felt a 'pop' inside, like a knuckle popping.

"Something popped!" I said, unsure of what to do..

"What popped?" David asked, looking around.

As my water started leaking out, I squealed "I did! My water broke!" And stood up, instantly aware that I was gushing hot fluid all over the new hardwood floors. David ran for towels as I stood there, giggling at it all, and stripping my dress and underwear off. I could not believe that my water had actually broke, and was astounded at how much there was and how little there was I could do about it.

After changing into sweats and grabbing our bags, we headed to the hospital. I was still having pains, and at one point there was one so strong that I let out a small scream and urged David to go through a stop light. I suspect that's when the baby engaged his head.

We got to the hospital and were checked in quickly to a labour room. Things were happening very quickly at this point, and I was still asking if they could just check me and let me go home to finish the first part of labour! Looking back, I can see how rather insane this idea was, but I really dreaded the idea of spending hours and hours in a sterile room. And besides... I was still hungry.

I was dilated only 3 cm and about 80% effacement, so I knew there was a LOT of labour to go through (or so I thought). At 7 pm I was officially in a L&D room, with David's parents, my mom, and his sister in the room. Sigh. The crazy people all showed up, nearly beating us to the hospital. We finally convinced them it was going to be a long night and to go home, we would call them when I was 8 cm and they could all come back for the delivery. Disappointed in my lack of belief that I would be delivering before their 9 o'clock bedtime, they finally agreed to go home, watch their reality TV shows and come back if and when we were ready to really do something exciting. They agreed to stop by the house and bring us our chicken spinach salad first, though.

As David and I munched happily on our salads, and sipped Pepsi between contractions, my kids and their girlfriends showed up. I was in MUCH brighter spirits to see them and convinced David to go home, take a shower and pick up a couple things we'd forgotten. My boys were awesome. They made me giggle through a couple of contractions by MAKING me wriggle my toes and 'not think about the fear', just like when they were little and going to the dentist.

"C'mon, Mom", Jerry teased me.... "You know you can't tense up if you wriggle your toes!"

They even held my hand and urged me to focus during a couple of the harder pains. I was surprised and unbelievably reassured with them in the room while David was gone.

Finally, it was just David and I together... about 11:30 pm, with the kids also making us promise to call them once "things got going".

The next few hours spent with David were some of the most intimate and spiritual memories I have ever shared with another human being. We turned the lights off, we joked, we talked about all that we had gone through to get where we were. We were excited, nervous and thankful for the experience.

We attempted to watch the rest of our movie on the Mac laptop until the noise became annoying when I was having contractions and we could not find the mute button in the darkened room. We tried different positions for pain relief (standing was the WORST - I thought my legs were going to fall off and ended up *almost* in tears!). I had taken a morphine/gravol shot after eating and was offered the laughing gas, which by this time I was learning to use and found it very effective at taking the edge off the worst of the pain.

Our nurse was amazing at communication and pain management. She was the only person we saw during the labour stage and I am so thankful she was there for us. She often held my hand and offered soft words of encouragement when David could think of nothing to say at that moment.

By 2:15 am the nurse said I was dilated to 6 cm and the pains were pretty much one on top of the other. I was meditating through them as calmly as I could but we all agreed that things were going quickly and that family and the doctor should be called in because we felt we would deliver within the next hour or so. Phone calls were made and the room was prepped for delivery.... I continued to doze for a moment or two between contractions and then work through them one at a time as they rolled across me.

As the baby moved lower and lower, we noticed an alarming drop in heart rate with the contractions. I was turned onto one side to ease the pressure on the cord as he was being gently squeezed into the birth canal. As long as I stayed on my side, the heart rate was acceptable, but still dipped terribly low at the peak of the contractions.

Soon the room filled up with family, hair askew atop excited, but sleepy faces, and a rather drowsy, slightly irritated doctor was on the scene. He checked me and announced that I was "only 6 cm dilated and had a lot of work to do".

I was upset and surprised that I was still only at 6 cm! It was nearly 3 am and the pains were getting unbearable. He ordered a final shot of pain killers and left for the doctor's lounge to sleep until I was ready to deliver. My nurse, who was so in tune with me and so sure that I was going to deliver soon, was unsure about what to do, we could tell, but left to get the medication.

As the next contraction hit my body, I told her to "Come back, please! He's coming!"

There were no stirrups, the bed was not converted into the delivery mode, and there was no doctor anywhere, just myself, David the nurse, and six family members all staring silently with a look of worried wonder on their faces.

As the pain built, I found myself curled into David, who stood beside me, urging me to not push, to breath, that it wasn't time yet.... I tried in vain to pant and hold back the pushing, but I could feel the baby's body moving through me, quietly but quickly.

I looked up into his eyes and issued a plea for him to "Look! Look or you'll miss it!"

He looked down and the baby's head was already out, and with another mighty surge, our son slipped quickly out of my body and rolled up into a ball on the table.... like a kitten. It was that fast. The doctor was walking in when it happened.... and collected the baby, placing him onto my chest.

I looked at Brogan... and issued another plea, "He's not breathing. You need to work on him. Please, he's turning blue too quickly!"

The doctor asked if we wanted to cut the cord and I insisted, "No! Just do it and get him breathing!"

Soon the baby was whisked away to the other side of the room where the doctor and a NICU nurse began reviving him.... It took a minute and twenty seconds. I was still drugged and in shock that everything had happened so fast, and not fully appreciating how dire things could be.

Across the room, I urged, "C'mon baby boy, breath, baby.... Brogan...."

Everyone else was silent, eyes glued to the baby. Everyone said that David's face was completely blank. His eyes were expressionless as he stared across the room at his son being worked on, still blue and unresponsive.

When the baby yet out a healthy scream, it seemed everyone in the room came back to life. Soon, he was placed onto my chest, quickly turning a beautiful shade of life-like-pink, and quickly latched onto a waiting breast, where he began nursing like a champ.

There were no stitches, no labour complications, and other than the scare, which they say was a combination of the cord being compressed and the speedy delivery, it was a perfect labour and exceptional delivery.

THE BEGINNING.

I'm a Horrible Blogger...But a GREAT Mom!

2011-07-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

We had our baby..... it was.. perfect! He is perfect! I'll post everything soon... life has been moving at a snail's pace and but it's been a whirlwind at the same time.

His name is Brogan John Wilson. I don't think many people really are keen on his name, but we love it and all who know him can't think of him as anyone else. It means 'sturdy' and 'stubborn' and 'strong'... it's an Irish word also for a 'sturdy shoe'! haha ah well.. it's a very masculine, strong name and it's unusual without being hippy. So to name our son after a shoe is okay, but to name him after the Vancouver tattoo artist that my bestest girlfriend got her amazing tattoo from when I was having Brogan put back into my uterus is too hippy? Sigh. I love loving a masculine northern man. ;) BTW the tattoo's artist name was Coen. Cool, too, huh? I like Brogan better - don't tell Dave!

He has golden red hair. I love that the most... it's gorgeous hair! I know there are people out there who think 'ginger' kids are ugly, but they can go fly a kite off a cliff as far as I'm concerned. For every ignorant person out there we have 50 who exclaim they love his hair colour and think he's GORGEOUS. In fact, his hair is the first thing people complement him on. I am astounded at how ignorant some people are with this whole redheaded thing. Some of the most beautiful people in the world have red hair. I am rather thankful that he tends to have dark skin, because although I love being a redhead myself, I don't like having pale skin... too much of a pain in the ass when it comes to sunshine - or tanning of any kind.

Here's our amazingly perfect, wonderful baby boy. We are SO in love.

Brogan John Wilson.... July 4th 2:55am
7lbs 5 oz 20.5"
Fell into our arms and hearts in the middle of a magical night.

Home Stretch!

2011-06-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

I bought the Baby Bullet. I made fun of it when it first went on television... but the more I watched the commercial the more I *had* to have it! I pretty much detest processed food and can't see myself actually buying processed, canned baby food of any kind. So it made sense. I'm not a 'gadget' kind of girl, either, but can't justify using my awesome huge blender to make a tiny bit of baby food. So yeah.. we got it at Canadian Tire today and it made me happy.

I haven't been happy every day lately. I've been mixed up and pissed off at some things going on in my life and what's worse is that I don't know how right I am to feel that way. If I'm not sure if what I am feeling is justified but it sure feels like it. I'm not sure if some of what I'm feeling isn't a result of the pressure I'm under lately with work being so busy, the house being worked on and the pregnancy being officially super uncomfortable. I don't know. I just know it hurts and I'm tired of hurting about this particular thing. Really tired of it. I just want to walk away from it all and close the door on it.

I'm doing okay as long as I can manage to get some sleep. Getting sleep means successfully sleeping in a semi-sitting up position throughout the night and not waking up with a mouthful of stomach content gagging me and burning my throat. It's been like this since 26 weeks, so that's the last 10 weeks or so.

Walking is difficult. The pain in my cervix becomes pretty sharp after a short distance and I soon find myself looking for places to sit down and rest. I also get bouts of extreme exhaustion. Bending over has pretty much become a thing of the past and the only way I can reach my feet is to prop my ass up against a wall and spread my legs so that I can somehow reach down to one foot at a time. That's a great description of how I shaved my legs last week!

I know I'm on the homestretch. I know it's just a matter of time now, and I know that I can do this and it's not nearly the hardest thing I've ever done. It's just that this is the hardest thing I'm doing right now. I'm in love with the baby and the movements and the hiccups and everything he's meaning to me. Don't think for a moment that I regret a moment of this, that I am sorry we are doing it, or that I would change one twinge, one lousy night's sleep or one moment of pain. It's just that these discomforts are real, and I want to record and acknowledge them.

Week Thirty Six: Baby may drop into the birth canal
You are 36 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 34 weeks) The baby is about 19 inches (48 cm) long. Weight is around 6 pounds (2.7 kg). The baby's body is becoming chubby as fat layers build. Between now and birth they may gain about an ounce (30g) a day You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions. While it says that your baby weighs six and a half pounds this week and measures 19 inches long, this is only an estimate. In general, babies are gaining half a pound (225 grams) per week now. Baby continues gaining weight as fat deposits and is forming creases in the neck and wrists. You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions, which can be used to perform and practice breathing exercises. You may be visiting your caregiver weekly up until the birth. Regular internal exams may begin, to see if your cervix has softened, thinned, dilated or if your baby's head is dropping into the pelvis. Any of these could be signs of impending labor but there are no guarantees and you could be waiting for weeks yet. Your baby is almost ready, a pair of kidneys and the liver has begun processing some waste products, the only organ still to mature is the lungs. This week your baby may drop into the birth canal, this is called 'lightening' or 'dropping'. If this is not your first baby, this 'lightening' may not occur until right before labor. Your care provider may refer to it by saying that your baby is now 'engaged'. The majority of babies are now in the birth position, either head down (vertex) or butt down (breech), most will maintain this position until birth. Any movements that they make are more likely to be rolls from side to side.You may notice when this happens because it will suddenly become much easier for you to breathe. While breathing becomes easier, walking may be the exact opposite. If your baby has dropped you may find yourself visiting the bathroom much more often as baby is resting right on top of your bladder again. Keep talking - by now he or she can recognize you voice, and may respond to any loud noises with a swift kick out. The average twin birth occurs between 36 and 37 weeks and the babies weigh an average of 5 pounds apiece. A baby's average size is now 18.5 inches (47 cm) and 6 pounds (2700 g).

Rants and Raves

2011-05-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

First the rave. I guess I consider raving something that's positive because I'm going to start this off with positive thoughts and information.

First positive. My husband. My soldier. My hero. And this isn't just because he is going above anything I expected a man who is so freakishly masculine to do. It's because he does it with grace, love and gratitude. I mean, he treats me like a princess even when I am acting like a wicked witch. That doesn't happen often but it has a couple of times and he takes it all in stride.

He's my hero because he has always treated me like this. The pregnancy has magnified his protectiveness of me, and he often tells me that he looks at me in complete awe, but even before I managed to sprout and grow his child, he's loved me so real it's simply mind blowing for someone who was so messed up in my youth.

It's a new thing for him to look after someone. He's a manly man, never really been around kids, and his previous relationships seemed to be some pretty tough and independent women who were perfectly happy to look after themselves and expected their men to do the same. Me... I'm a nurturer from the heart and love to be pampered in return. It's taken a while... I admit it... but this morning when putting on my socks and shoes was taking me forever and I was in pain from trying to reach my feet... and he sat and helped me... well it made me realize two things. One, I am getting pretty freaking huge; and two, I am pretty freaking lucky to have this man in my life.

He makes me dinner. He does the laundry. He picks up things for me and he helps me up when I'm struggling to get my balance. I love him for who he is, and I love how I feel because he loves me.

Okay... can I rant now?

I'm getting big!!!!! Went to the doctor yesterday and the baby has dropped.. his head is down but not engaged, and his body is laying on the right side of my body. His butt is this hard bulge that somehow exceeds the boundary of my ribs. I push it back into place throughout the day, and he pushes it right back out.

I can breathe easier now since he's lowered, and I am not sucking back gulps of disgusting, evil, chalky heartburn gunk throughout the day. The first time I tried it I spewed it all over myself it was so gross. I gagged and had to force myself to sip it between sips of water just to get some of the vile stuff in me. I'm getting a lot better with it now, but only take it once a day or so, instead of every three hours.

I'm also sleeping better but the baby refuses to allow me to sleep on my left side. He freaks right out. Kicking and pushing and wiggling with all he's got if I dare turn onto my left side. It's very cute that he sleeps all night (unless I flip to my left side) and wakes up in the morning when I start to talk to David. Let's hope the baby keeps this schedule... LOL

My entire pelvic region aches most of the day. I'm not sure why, but all my research says it's normal. The muscles relaxing, preparing to release a giant baby in a few weeks. It's nice that my body is doing it's job, but it sure feels like crap.

Now don't think for a moment that I am regretting this pregnancy. I would have it no other way and most of the time I am regarding myself in complete awe that I am able to experience this. Watching and feeling my body open and accommodate a separate being growing within itself... I would not trade this for the world.

I was pregnant twice before. But as all things that happened as a young girl, the experience has faded and warped itself in my mind and only moments are clear and memorable to me. I remember the births clearly, but the pregnancies are vague glimpses of a time over twenty years ago. So this all seems exceptionally bright to me - as clear and crisp as the air, just before it snows in the fall.

8 Months and Counting Down

2011-05-22T21:57:00.001-07:00

Okay. I suck at blogging when things are going well. Other than the heartburn (constant for the past two months), the peeing myself every time I sneeze or cough, and the rather strong Braxon Hicks contractions I am just peachy!

The baby seems to be exceptionally strong and has been for a very long time, according to ultrasound techs and my doctor. It is slightly more than very uncomfortable when he bunches up and then pushes with all his might against my already strained and pulled stomach muscles. For two hours. Straight. And I feel the kicks all over somehow. I wonder if I'm giving birth to an octopus. How he kicks under my right rib and then along my left hip is kind of a mystery, unless he's kicking by his head and then tucking his feet under his bum to kick again.

I have to admit that even though the movements are close to painful and distracting, even to the point of near annoyance at times, I would not trade them for the world. I feel tremendously full, wrapped around him, as if my body has trapped him deeply inside with no way out. At least not yet.

I've found it easier to breathe lately, and it doesn't hurt so much to walk. I never realized how important drinking water is when you're pregnant. I've been threatened with premature labour twice because of dehydration. So I drink a couple more glasses of water each day. I try to walk a little more than I want to, and I put in eight hour days instead of ten hour ones. The doctor keeps threatening me with bed rest, but each passing week makes a possible early delivery a lot less risky, and the doctor a lot less grouchy.

I haven't gained a lot of weight. About 20 lbs in total. I had set myself a goal of 35 and there's no way I am going to gain more weight at this point besides that which the baby puts on, so I'm rather thrilled about that. Hopefully I'll only have a few pounds to get rid of this summer.

Renos are beginning to take shape of rebuilding the house instead of tearing it apart. We literally had nothing but hanging wires, exposed rafters and open framing along the entire first floor of the house. Living in our downstairs den has been a challenge but my amazing husband put a lot of work and effort into making it clean and functional. It's still... a challenge. My kitchen is a tarped in section on our back deck - water is available down at the far end of the house from a rough pipe going to my bathtub! It all works, but after nearly seven weeks I am starting to really look forward to my home being livable again.

The other bit of news is that David's new employers have asked him to report to work a little early. Beginning of June early. It's awesome that he found work without even looking, but a little difficult to digest that he will be seven hours away during my last month of pregnancy. I know it's horrible to consider but we are going to inquire with our doctor about a possible scheduled induction so David can be here for sure. I know there are some risks (mostly that labor will not progress and a C-Section will be needed). However, we know the exact time of conception so there's no issue with a premature delivery and we know baby is super strong and healthy. I've been induced before with no issues. We'll know more on Wednesday when we get our 34 week check up.

Yoga and Renovations

2011-04-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's official. The entire top floor of my house is totally demolished. Nothing but bare 2x4s and plywood. Except for one room right in the middle that has been left untouched. It contains something that gives me deep, intense pleasure on a nightly basis. It contains my bathtub.

Throughout my entire adult life, a warm bath has been essential to my mental health. A bruised heart would mean taking two and sometimes even three hot baths a day... not feeling well... I'll sink myself into a swirling well of aromatherapy and let whatever pain medications I've ingested to start to work. My tub is where I find 30 minutes a day to visit the characters in the novels I'm reading, (currently the Mayfair Witches series again) and to reflect on the day behind me and plan the day ahead.

So the guys, being my husband and youngest son, have been patient and accommodating by leaving my horribly outdated, cracked tub alone. I'm pregnant! I need my bath! It's the one time of the day when I am sure to not feel some kind of pressure or pain or the gross effects of gravity on my swollen midsection.

Okay. David would freak if I were suggesting this was actually what our current tub looks like. But the drama queen that I am, well, I wanted to make a point. Any container that holds hot water and me at the same time is all I really need to qualify as a 'bath'. I'm not fussy. DISCLAIMER: This is not our actual bathtub. Although. it's not far off...

I know it's going to go soon, though. I will be weeks without the daily ritual that I so intently focus on when my work day is coming to a close! The guys just can't keep working around that outdated, ugly little room with the peeling floor and crooked vanity. It has to go. To the dump. Everything in it. Sigh.

And... this is a lot closer to what our new en suite will look like. Not *quite* the same, but it's the general idea. Will my tub time be more relaxing, the books I read more interesting, or my armpits any cleaner as a result of this setting. I vote YES! Please note: I am nearly 40 years old and this is the first time in my life I'll have had a 'nice' place to live. I'm not bragging about my bathtub, I'm in awe of it!

I am somewhat mollified by the fact that my *new* tub will be a deep, luxurious (and un-cracked) well of peace and tranquility. It's going into a large en suite separated from the main bedroom by a wall of built in closets. I will have my own dressing room complete with makeup table. A lovely window will allow me to gaze at the snow, or the northern lights, or the stars or the summer leaves as the water massages my worry away. I will have a sound system built in so I don't have to drag my iPhone into the bathroom if I want music.

So David and I have moved into the basement den. He pretty much moved our bedroom and set it up exactly as the way it was. I've never seen another person take someone else's comfort into such consideration. We laughed at us living in a 'basement suite' at our age, and especially while being pregnant. We're both a little apprehensive about the possibility of the baby (Brogan) coming early, but honestly, all he needs is a boob and a basket to be comfy for the first few weeks of life.

No, we didn't do this pose yet,
but it looks interesting, considering
how all the women are leaking things
we never knew we could leak, and
the class *is* a little crowded.

Oh, and this morning, I found time to take my first pre-natal yoga class. Besides the room being about 10 degrees above comfort level, it was fun and interesting. Half of the poses made me either feel the need to pee or pass gas, which made me nervous because there were about four women too many in the room and we were about 12 inches from face to fanny most of the time. I wasn't alone in my experience, other women felt the same way! I did manage to find a friendly face, another cheerful, intelligent woman whom I connected with as a result of this blog. We were happy to see one another and went for a great lunch together afterwards where we got to talk about nothing but babies, babies, babies! It's great to know someone else is as nervous and excited as I am. I'm very much looking forward to next week's session.

Bad Blogger!!

2011-04-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Our first day in Mexico - on Coco beach in Playa Del Carmen.

Feeling HUGE but happy... at least David makes me feel little! 26 weeks pregnant here...

Life has been super busy....

We just got back from an amazing vacation in Mexico, David is home for the entire spring and work has been super busy. It's all wonderful and I'm doing great.

The pregnancy is going perfect. All tests are excellent, I have nothing at all making me miserable except a good case of acid reflux that is controlled by meds at night.

One of the most awesome memories in Mexico was swimming. The baby seemed to LOVE it when I was in the water. He must have felt weightless and comfy with the muted sound and smoothness of me swimming. Getting in and out of the water was sometimes challenging as we snorkelled some of the natural cenotes... there were a few times when I felt super fat and awkward, but for the most part, I was a good trooper and kept up for the most part with everyone.

I ran out of my acid reflux medication for the last three nights and that was the worst part for me. I woke up a couple times a night gagging and throwing up the most vile crap. Dry heaving and the horrible taste is not a way to enjoy a night, and it was hell getting back to sleep afterwards.

Good news.... not even a tiny bit of swelling, which actually surprised me with all the travel and sitting. I did manage to eat really healthy and drink tons of water, so I guess that is good advice after all!

On our way home from Edmonton David and I stopped at Babies R Us and purchased our baby essentials! It was a great experience. For the first time I didn't feel like a hopeful impostor. Baby boy squirmed and booted his encouragement and reminder that there is someone who will need a few of his own things when he moves in with us.

We were thrilled to find the original crib we wanted on sale and purchased it for $249 ($400 off). Then we moved onto the car seats. Ugh. Too confusing. Things have changed a lot since my boys were born. We finally settled on an infant to toddler model. We were given an almost new infant seat that is clean and in excellent condition. We'll use whichever one we like the most, and we do have more than one vehicle so an extra one might come in handy.

A mid-sized playpen for the first few months in our room seemed like a great decision. We'll use it in my work nursery when I go back, so it seems like a good choice..... purchased a Fisher Price swing and a great quality breast pump and Tommee Tippee bottle system.

The truth is there are so many products out there that it's impossible to know what is going to be best until we try it. I just know that instinct told me to get going and get some of the essentials. I might be too big and tired and busy to make another trip back to Edmonton and Fort St John does not have the best choices when it comes to shopping.

Photo Update...

2011-03-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

A real post

2011-03-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

Because I still feel weird posting here after family members were offended... and what I wrote absolutely have been offensive, but I use this to write offensive, honest and raw things. It's why people read it. The PC writing is boring and might as well be posted in a cute greeting card.

Ah well. It's been a long few months and not many family members are really interacting with me at any rate. Which freaks me out but is refreshingly easier on my brain and heart to be honest. It freaks me out because I think I am truly and honestly growing apart from them, and I miss what I had built up what I thought our relationships could be like. It's easier on me because in reality, our relationships were nothing even close to what I wanted them to be, and I was either hurting them or offending them or being hurt and offended. And I mean, this was not intentional on either side - just people who are so freakishly different that there's no way to have a functional relationship even if there is that weighty 'family' label pasted on our foreheads.

I am of an age and time in my life where I am who I am and I love it. I am not of a mind to apologize for my principals, morals or beliefs. These are the things who brought me where I am today. The things that attracted all the wonderful, strong women-sisters in my life, the things that helped me get through the toughest times when I had to reach into myself to survive, the things that brought my amazingly handsome and strong husband to fall deeply in love with me. These traits are what I rely on to help me make business decisions, running my company with confidence, skill and a deep commitment to everyone who comes into contact with it. I'm not going to apologize for who I have fought to become and whom so many wonderful friends and real family love me for being.

So.

Here we are.

Me. Happy. Being Me.

Not Pretending. Not Trying To Fit In.

Where I Don't Even Like Being.

Okay, some pregnancy stuff now.

For one, I am falling head over heels with this baby. I love him being with me every second of every day. I don't feel alone even when I am. I take long hot showers in the mornings with my music blasting away on the counter and I 'dance the baby' while all the soap and water swirls around me. I'm a pretty busy person during the day so stolen moments like this seem sacred to me - when I actually just let myself fall into the thought of this tiny person nestled inside me.

I've moved from feeling fat and awkward to full and sexual. I know I don't have a firm, young body, but this body is loved and accepted by myself, my husband and everyone who knows me. It's a perfect shell for me, and is doing a spectacular job of hosting this very special little soul.

Oh, and I've also started 'walking the baby'. A good friend of mind walks on an indoor track every morning and I've begun to join her three times a week. Getting up out of my amazingly comfortable bed at 6:30 am on a exceptionally freaking cold morning is really dreadful to say the least... but to get to the track, pull my fat butt up three flights of stairs and then start in on my hour long walk feels like a million dollars once the process is actually happening.

I've gained about 12 lbs so far and would like to only gain 15 more in total. Since baby has about 7 to go, and water, blood and placenta will count for at least another 5, that means I'll hopefully end up just 15 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. Excellent goal but I'll need to work at it over the next few months. Thank gawd warmer weather is happening soon. It will make getting out of the house a lot more appealing.

Okay. It's late and I'm exhausted. Night from a real person saying real crap without pulling the punches.

Heading into 6th Month - 23rd Week!!

2011-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

Month 6: May feel baby hiccup

Baby
This month continues to be a period of rapid growth. At 24 weeks, your baby can suck his thumb and you may feel baby hiccup. He will have patterns of sleep and activity which you will come to know. His skin has lost its translucent appearance, but he still has not laid down any stores of fat and is therefore quite thin.
Your baby's skin is wrinkled and red. It is covered with lanugo (fine, soft hair) and vernix (a substance consisting of oil, sloughed skin cells and lanugo). Real hair and toenails are beginning to grow.

Your baby's brain is developing rapidly. Fatty sheaths which transmit electrical impulses along nerves are forming. Meconium, your baby's first stool, is developing. A special type of fat (brown fat) that keeps your baby warm at birth is forming.

Baby girls will develop eggs in their ovaries during this month. The baby's bones are becoming solid. Your baby is almost fully formed and looks like a miniature human. However, because the lungs are not well developed and the baby is still very small, a baby cannot usually live outside the uterus at this stage without highly specialized care.

By the end of the sixth month, your baby will be around 11 to 14 inches (28 to 35 centimeters) long and will weigh about 1 to 1.6 pounds (500 to 750 grams).

Mother
You are now visibly pregnant. You will gain weight around this time, and you may feel overheated and sweaty as your blood supply increases. Your face may look flushed as well. Your heart and lungs are working 50% harder than normal. You may have some pain in your ribcage as the baby begins to press upwards. Shortness of breath may follow for the same reason. As your pregnancy progresses, it is important to maintain correct posture and protect your feet and joints. Wear comfortable shoes and clothing, rest with your feet up, and continue your antenatal exercises.

Week Twenty Three: Sense of balance develops

You are 23 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 21 weeks)

He or she measures over 28cm and weighs up to 550 grams.
The baby is over 11 inches tall, weighs about a pound.
The eyebrows are visible.
The child can successfully suck.
Bones located in the middle ear harden.

Your baby does a regular 'workout' inside your womb. He or she turns from side to side and head over heels. Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb.

Skin pigment is now forming. The fetus is now proportioned like a newborn except it is a thinner version of a newborn baby since its baby fat has not developed much yet.

The pancreas, essential in the production of hormones, is developing steadily. Baby has begun producing insulin, important for the breakdown of sugars.

If born now, your baby would have a 20% chance of survival, the odds going up with each passing day. By this week, your baby weighs a little over 1 pound (500g). Its crown to heel length is 11 inches (28cm).

Week 22 What's Happening!!?

2011-02-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

I've finished 21 weeks and starting my 22nd week in this photo. Can't deny that I'm pregnant anymore!
Week Twenty Two: Taste buds develop

You are 22 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 20 weeks)The fetus reacts to loud sounds.

Baby starts having a regular sleeping and waking rhythm.
The mother's movements can wake her baby.
Taste buds are forming on your baby's tongue.
The baby is 28cm long (crown to heel) and weighs over 450 grams.
The weekly weight gain has increased to around 70 grams.

Your baby is about 11 inches long and weighs in at about 1 pound. The eyebrows and eyelids are fully developed, and the fingernails cover the fingertips. Sounds from a conversation are loud enough to be heard by the fetus in the uterus. If you talk, read, or sing to your baby, it's reasonable to expect him or her to be able to hear you.

By this week, your waistline is definitely gone. The top of your uterus is now about 1 inch (3cm) above your bellybutton. Your enlarging abdomen is not too large and doesn't get in your way much. You're still able to bend over and to sit comfortably. Walking shouldn't be an effort. Your friends and relatives can tell you are pregnant. It would be hard to hide your condition.

The baby is about 11 inches (28cm) long (crown to heel) and weighs in at about 1 pound (450g).

Deliciously Boring

2011-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

That's what this pregnancy is. Nothing to note. Just a bulging waistline and excited parents. Just like about a hundred thousand other pregnancies going on around the world right now.

I've got so much energy back it's hard to process how freaking tired I was the first few months. My gawd. I now come home from a regular day at work and still have enough energy to cook, tidy the kitchen, put away the food and even bathe. Wow.

I'm having some mild difficulty sleeping at night - the weight of the tummy is pulling at me and I'm very conscious to lay on my left side whenever I can. I need a thin pillow to put under my tummy or I find my back hurts to the point of waking me up.

I find the bellybelt is a wonderful little tool for me. I can still wear my favorite jeans without them falling down. A long shirt is in order, and sometimes using a belly band is best if wearing a snug top, but otherwise, I love this product!

I'm also struggling with clothes. It seems my best bet are my jeans, with the above bellybelt product (can be found with an easy online search). If I wear big, loose tops, I look fat. If I wear snug tops it's a lot better, but because I have some excess fat along with my baby bulge, if my pants don't fit just right, I get some extra bulges that I honestly DESPISE. Not good for a woman who used to be 100lbs overweight and is pretty conscious of any bulges, especially unwarranted ones. Ugh.

Looks like I'll be searching out some nice flowing empire waist tops to go with the jeans.

I've had some moderate heartburn at night. This is a disgusting, foul experience that has no business being on my list of pregnancy experiences. I can usually keep things at bay by taking a healthy tablespoon of honey at night with a half glass of milk. All natural and seems to work well. It starts about 10 o'clock (about now) and will keep me awake all night if left untreated.

Baby boy is kicking as we speak. Little bumps and thumps as he stretches out his legs. Hard to believe we are in our 20th week and halfway there! Wow.

I miss David more than anything in the world right now. It's difficult to be here alone even though the pregnancy is not really that exciting. I know we'll be able to feel the baby kick on the outside soon and I want him to be here to experience that with me. He's coming home for the 20 week ultrasound (February 21 - put off so it will co-incide with his days off), and I hope at that point he might have some more solid evidence that his son is anxious to meet his daddy.

We've gotten our trisomy results back at 1:2,900 and downs at 1:360. Those numbers might seem high for a younger woman, but there was actually a note on the results that said these numbers were exceptionally good for my age. Yeah.... I'm still a good breeder.

Oh and one last note... we have our babymoon all planned out! Ten days in Mexico, on the East Coast in a beautiful penthouse condo with four bedrooms, private deck with jacuzzi and king sized beds. Can. Not. Wait.

20 Weeks - Halfway There! What's happening?

2011-02-09T21:00:00.001-08:00

Week Twenty: The halfway point

Congratulations!
You are halfway through your pregnancy, 20 weeks marks the midpoint. Remember, pregnancy is counted as 40 weeks from the beginning of your last period if you go full term.

You are 20 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 18 weeks)

Baby now weighes about 11 ounces and is roughly 7 inches long.
Baby is 17cm long crown to rump, and weighs about 310 grams.
The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice.
The mother will probably start feeling the first fetal movements.
The toenails and fingernails are growing.
The growth of hair on the rest of the body has started.
The skin is getting thicker.
The heart can now be heard with a stethoscope.

Your baby may react to loud sounds. Baby can actually hear noises outside of the womb. Familiar voices, music, and sounds that baby becomes accustomed to during their development stages often are calming after birth. This is an important time for sensory development since nerve cells serving each of the senses; taste, smell, hearing, sight, and touch are now developing into their specialized area of the brain.

Your baby now weighes about 11 ounces and at roughly 7 inches long they are filling up more and more of the womb. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage.

Note: Babies are measured from the crown (or top) of the head to the rump (or bottom) until about 20 weeks. After that, they are measured from head to heel. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against the torso during the first half of pregnancy and very hard to measure.

Weight: 10.6 ounces - 300 grams
Length:
(crown to rump) 6.5 inches - 16.5 cm
(crown to heel) 10 inches - 25.5 cm.

19 Weeks - What's Happening...?

2011-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

Week Nineteen: Genitals recognizable

You are 19 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 17 weeks)

Fetus is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm).
Your placenta continues to grow and nourish the baby.
Features of your baby's heart, should be visible during an ultrasound.
Your baby's genitals are distinct and recognizable.
Scalp hair has sprouted and continues to grow.

≈If baby is female the uterus starts to develop, the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes are in place. Females have a limited supply of eggs in their lifetime. At this point your daughter will have 6 million eggs. This amount decreases to approximately one million by birth. If it's a boy, the genitals are distinct and recognizable. Even if the sex looks obvious, ultrasound operators have been known to make mistakes.

Baby's legs are reaching their relative size and with the increase muscle development occurring as well, you will start feeling much more than tiny flutter kicks soon. If you have not felt movement yet, you will soon. Your baby will increase its weight by more than 15 times between now and delivery.

Your baby's size is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm).

3D Ultrasound

2011-01-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

And... we couldn't resist...

David and I are going to have another SON!!!

This is our baby boy.... He's still a fetus, just 16weeks 6days old, but already long, strong and beautiful!

Okay... I know he'll really appreciate this when he's 16, but I can't resist... the imagery is just so amazing. We cried when we found out we are having a son.

A Different Kind of Blogging

2011-01-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

It's not epic.

It's not dark, sad or very moving at all.

I am not ashamed to clearly admit that I am much more inspired by pain or heartache than by normalcy or joy. It's often the case with someone who writes. My writing is exceptionally self serving... it's an outlet for pain, an expression of despair, a silent cry poured out through my fingers.

And it's been months since I've needed that outlet. There are no mind numbing episodes of bleeding, no gut wrenching cramps or abnormal ultrasounds.

There's just me, and the baby in perfect harmony. Like it was all meant to be, all along. I always secretly held onto the belief that our losses were only physical. The soul of our child kept having to wait patiently for the perfect time for us to be the perfect parents that s/he needed.... for the perfect body for s/he to spend an entire lifetime gracing our world in. This baby feels natural, and my body has wrapped itself softly around it with a sureness and comfort unlike anything I've known.

And so my need to write is numb. Thankfully. Instead I lay at night, my hands gently cradling my growing belly, and feel our baby exploring the world inside me. The nudges, pokes and rippling are gentle reminders of life, becoming aware of itself and the world around it. Energy, with a soul learning about its new earth bound body.

We're just finished our 16th week.

Week Seventeen: Fat accumulates

You are 17 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 15 weeks)

The umbilical cord is growing thicker and stronger.
Fetus weight is just over 5 ounces (150g).
Baby is about 5 inches (14cm) long crown to rump.
and would be about 9 inches (23cm) head to toe, if it could stretch out.
The retina has become sensitive to light.
The first stools (meconium) are now beginning to accumulate.

They recycle the amniotic fluid by swallowing up to a litre a day. Meconium (composed of products of cell loss, digestive secretion and swallowed amniotic fluid), is accumulating in the bowel. Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth.

Baby's eyes are looking forward now, but they are still firmly closed. The skeleton is tranforming from cartilage to bone. The bones remain flexible to make the journey through the birth canal easier. You can feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways and measure, it is about two finger-widths (1 inch) below your bellybutton. Your uterus is the size of a cantaloupe.

The crown to rump length of your growing baby is 5 to 5.6 inches (12.5 to 14cm) by this week. Weight of the fetus is about 5.25 ounces (150g).

I Can't Stop!

2011-01-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

Writing!

So I think I solved my issue... you can check out the Wilson Baby Blog if you want the watered down, politically correct, baby / pregnancy related version of what is happening in my womb.

But this space has been claimed as my own personal online diary that writes back, and I'm just going to write whatever I freaking well want to here, as I always have.

Okay.

How am I feeling.....

Physically

I can't say that my first trimester was difficult, but since I slept through most of it I could be wrong. I was coming home from work and crawling into David's easy chair within moments. Shortly thereafter I could be identified as the drooling, snoring member of the family, responding to very little outside stimulation. I was so tired I skipped my nightly bath, and was even skipping supper for a while. Except I discovered that skipping meals lead to sudden, violent onslaughts of excessive gagging and dry heaving.

My second trimester has been a lot easier so far. I've got a lot more energy and am eating more normally. Thankfully I have only gained a couple pounds (the doctor says I've actually lost weight, but my scales say I've gained about three). I am still tired but not suffering from near narcolepsy. I had really shocking RLP in the first few weeks of pregnancy, even before we got our positive beta test... the doctor was shocked and said he's never heard of it occurring that early. Well, it's back and I find myself doubling over, holding my tummy if I feel the need to laugh, or cough, or sneeze. I move very slowly when I get up from a chair or roll over in bed. I like the feeling because I know things are growing!!

Oh, and at about 11 weeks I got fat. Not a cute little bump like the beautiful, skinny women get, but an overall increase in my already slightly rounded belly. I have a fairly flat tummy with great muscles, but am one of those lucky women who got that little bit of baby fat the first time around and never, ever got rid of it. So while my uterus was growing and rising, I wasn't really getting that poking out, rather the inch and a half of flabby belly being pushed up and out. Sigh. I'm getting my belly flap sliced off once I'm all done hosting children inside my belly... no doubt about it!

I digress. Back to getting fat. My jeans were uncomfortable. Cutting into me, and making me feel like I'd gained 20 lbs even though the scale said I was the same. I was bloating badly as well, so at night I looked 5 months pregnant and felt 8. So I started wearing a lovely device called a hair elastic around my snap, with my zipper at half mast. That's okay for my stretchy jeans, as long as I have a shirt long enough to cover the gaping zipper. But my less stretchy jeans still didn't feel that great. I was getting grouchy and annoyed by mid-afternoon.

I got maternity pants. Oh my god is there anything more comfortable than a three inch wide elastic band, gently caressing my swollen stomach? I love them!!!

I honestly think I am starting to actually show a bit, now. Of course you can't tell with my clothes on, and shirt down, but if I am wearing just panties or a pair of yoga pants, I can see a cute little swelling and not just a general increase in roundness.

Emotionally

I'm starting to warm up to being a pregnant woman. I was in disbelief and worry the first few weeks, and then too tired and sick to really feel anything the next few weeks. Then I got fat and that sucked, and then Christmas came and I was too busy to think about the baby or being a mommy... not real, serious, deep thought, anyhow

But now I'm starting to really sink into the 'glowy' part of being pregnant. I feel physically and emotionally full... sated might be a better word. The only thing I can compare it to is the warm, dreamy, liquid blanket that covers you after making love, you know, when the room is dark and heavy and your lover is close? I have a deep feeling of connection to David, and to the baby, and even to my two grown sons, knowing I am carrying their sibling. I have a deep feeling of connection to myself. A connection to the new life that's squirming and growing and safe deep inside the most secret part of me.

And I'm excited. Excited to make my amazing friend and husband a father. Excited that we didn't give up... Excited. Happy. Joy-Full

And not going to stop writing my real, raw, politically un-correct but honest feelings.

14 Weeks Pregnant

2010-12-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

This is the baby's heartbeat... I get to hear this amazing song every night!!!

The blog is changing... I'm not sure this is the right place for what I'm writing about. This blog was a huge place for me to express myself - to be honest, and to say whatever I was feeling, no matter how 'right' or 'wrong' it was at the time. It was just real. Writing for me is therapy, it's a way to let the emotion out, pouring it through my fingertips onto a screen and releasing me from whatever was binding.
One of the most difficult things to do when you write is to write freely. I've always known the blog was public, and there was a certain risk in saying what I was feeling... but lately I've become aware that some of my words had a personal impact on people in my life. I didn't say anything here that I didn't express to them directly, and it's virtually impossible for anyone else to figure out what or whom I was referring to, as I never discussed the incident outside my marriage... yet seeing it in black and white had a more profound impact, and feelings were hurt.

Now, I find it impossible to write about anything real. I don't want to update the posts... and I feel guilty because I get emails asking me to do so. I have tons of feeling, and emotions, and stories that I want to share but I'm unable to....

This blog was an emotional lifeline through one of the toughest times of my life. I don't want to let it go, but it feels like the line has been cut. I'm considering creating a baby blog so those people who don't wish to read my personal posts can still get baby updates.... but will I ever really be able to write about all that I write about? Sex? Personal issues? Frustrations? The details on medical information? Fears? Being totally open and raw and real? Being open and raw and real is therapy for me if it's safe... but being open and raw and real when I feel vulnerable is a totally different story!

Anyhow... I need to think about it.... Here's the latest update on baby.... Oh, and I'm feeling great... get tired from time to time but otherwise... great!

Week Fourteen: Hormones start up

You are 14 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 12 weeks)

The fetus is 3 and half inches (9cm) long.
Weight is about 1 and half ounces (45 grams).
The eyes are slowly moving towards the centre of the face.
The nose is more pronounced. The ears are fully developed.
The cheekbones are visible. The first hair is appearing.
The kidneys are producing urine.
In girls, the ovaries are moving down towards the pelvis.
In boys, the prostate gland is developing.
For girls, the ovaries move into the pelvis.

Your baby now is peeing into the amniotic fluid round itself as well as making breathing movements. With the effect of hormones, the boys now have a prostate gland. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis. During this week of pregnancy the head and eyebrow hair develops.

Your child's bones are getting harder and stronger by the day. Your baby's skin is very transparent still. Lanugo (very fine hair) covers the baby's body and will continue to grow until 26 weeks gestational age - Generally this will be shed prior to birth. Its purpose is to help protect baby's skin while in all that water.

As your baby grows, your uterus and placenta are also growing. Six weeks ago, your uterus weighed 5 ounces (140 g). Now, it weighs about 8.75 ounces (250g). The amount of amniotic fluid around the baby is also increasing. There is now about 7.5 ounces (250ml) of fluid. You can easily feel your uterus about 3 inches (7.6cm) below your bellybutton.

Your baby is 3.42 inches (8.7cm) long and weighs about 1.52 ounces (43 grams)

The Basics

2010-12-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

My age: 39
David's age: 44
My son, Mason: 22 (23 in June)
My son, Jerry: 20 (21 in May)

Began trying to have a baby: October 2008
Began fertility shots / IUI: September 2009
Began fertility shots / IVF: January 2010

First Pregnancy: Natural - June 2008 --- Miscarriage without hearing heartbeat at 8.5 weeks
Other Pregnancies: Several very early losses, or chemical pregnancies (loss before 6 weeks)
Of Note: Two early miscarriages resulted in blighted ovums, back to back in 2010

Current Pregnancy Stats

October 12, 2010 Egg Retrieval (when they took the eggs from my ovaries and fertilized them with David's sperm)
October 17, 2010 Embryo Transfer (replaced the fertilized eggs (embryos) back into my womb)

7 weeks, 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead and has a wonderful healthy heartbeat at 139
9 weeks 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead, is very active, and has a heartbeat of 170

Official Due Date: July 5, 2011

In my 12th Week

2010-12-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

What's happened in my 12th week....

For one thing, I went to my first pre-natal appointment. Didn't get to see my doctor (he's not back until the 29th) but I did get my blood work and nurse's appointment all taken care of. It was kind of surreal... as if I didn't actually belong there or something. Never had a pre-natal appointment since about October of 1999! They gave me a copy of "Baby's Best Chance" which brought back memories of my first pregnancies. It's a very basic book on pregnancy and childbirth. Kind of neat but not really the in-depth stuff I'm used to researching.

I've also started to show a bit, or at least seriously thicken up. I have one pair of maternity jeans that I seem to be wearing more and more. My regular jeans fit in the mornings but in the evenings start to be so uncomfortable that I am unbuttoning at work!!

I listen to the heartbeat for about 30 seconds in the morning and again in the evening. Baby is located about an inch to the right and about an inch above my pubic bone. I find him right away (or her?)... the heartbeat is strong, even and measures between 150 and 160 bpm. The baby often moves away from the doppler which is really freaky. To think there is something 2.5 inches long moving around inside my body and I have no sensation of it being there.... it's freaky!

I am getting bouts of maternal protectiveness, but not overwhelming and not all day. I'm not glowing, nor am I walking around with a hand on my tummy, and I'm not sharing my news with strangers. I have moments of tenderness and realization and fascination and worry.

As per my agreement with my husband, I am ceasing my chronic work-a-holic ways as much as I can and actually sticking to a 8 or 9 hour workday with a couple days (or at least half days) off each week. I even went to Costco and stocked up on freezer-to-oven meals, which is totally unlike me - the passionate cook - so that I would actually eat in the evenings. This has all made a huge difference for my level of restfulness and emotional ease. I'm taking my pre-natals daily and getting plenty of liquids.

I'm feeling a LOT more energetic these days which is awesome - most likely a result of ending the first trimester and ending the progesterone supplements *and* taking it a lot easier on myself. I'm not scrubbing windows and toilets, but I am getting more chores done and taking care of myself more, which is great for my emotional well being. I still have a couch full of gifts that need wrapping - a Sunday project in the making.

Okay.. so this has gone from a fertility blog to a pregnancy blog. It's different... I love it, but it's different!

Week Twelve: Fingernails and toenails appear

You are 12 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 10 weeks)

The fetus is now about 2.5 inches (6cm) length and weighs about 0.7 ounce (20 g).
The feet are almost half an inch (1cm) long.
The fetus starts moving spontaneously.
The face is beginning to look like a baby's face.
The pancreas is functioning and producing insulin.
Fingernails and toenails appear.
The baby can suck his thumb, and get hiccups.

From this week you may well be able to hear the baby's heart beat through a doppler monitor on your tummy. You will notice that the rate is up to 160 a minute, double that of a normal adult.

Your baby now has a chin and a nose and a facial profile. Vocal chords are complete, and the baby can and does sometimes cry silently. The brain is fully formed, and the baby can also feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb.

The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers. The hair is on the head and the fingers and toes have developed soft nails. The kidneys are developed and begin to secrete urine.

Your baby weighs between 0.5 and 0.7 ounce (14 to 20g), and crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches (63mm). Your baby's size has almost doubled in the past 3 weeks.

10Weeks 4Days

2010-12-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

I posted the two very interesting bits of information below because I am in between 10 weeks and 11weeks. And baby is measuring a couple days ahead so I thought this would be a cool way to compare what's happening!

David and I just returned from a trip to Calgary. He had business meetings and really wanted me to go. Needing his company all to myself and seeing a chance to get some much needed Christmas shopping in, I was happy to be able to go with him.

We thought this Christmas Season would be totally shared together, but we got news that he has to go to Fort MacMurray (aka Hell frozen over) on the 15th... He's hoping to be back on the 22nd for our big family Christmas Dinner before our kids go South for Christmas with their girlfriends' parents. Sigh. I really had wanted this time with him. However, I have to find gratitude in this, and be thankful that he has such an excellent career and is well paid for his time away from us all.

This is a stupidly busy time at the shop, so my Christmas preparations (that David was helping with SO much) will come to somewhat of a halt as a result of me being a) swamped at work and b) so tired I could lay down in the driveway and sleep!

I totally cheated today and went to Costco with David... and in a matter of an hour got all my Christmas "baking" done, all my Christmas "appetizers" made, and some great "easy" meals all ready as well. haha! Let's just say my freezer is full. One of my passions is cooking, but I won't have the time or energy this season. Jeez... I hardly have energy to cook for myself.. so buying a few convenient foods to throw from freezer to oven is just going to have to do. It's better than not eating at all, right?

The trip was good, although I have officially outgrown my regular jeans. I was miserable in the evenings. It's uncomfortable to do up my jeans in the morning, by the time evening rolls around, and I am bloated, miserable and looking five months' pregnant - I can't even bear the thought of that stupid zipper being done up. I went into a maternity clothing store but didn't have enough energy to go through the process of trying stuff on. *laugh*

I have such an amazing appreciation for the people in my life who are so excited and supportive of me and this pregnancy. I became simply overwhelmed with gratitude for the family and friends who have been there for us when things were sad.. and then were so overjoyed and excited when we finally got such great news. I've already had gifts given to us, many letters of congratulations, and even daily phone calls or FB messages asking about how I'm feeling or giving us baby name suggestions! I know that thousands (millions) of women get pregnant all the time, but this baby was fought for and we endured so many losses time and again, that this pregnancy seems to be a bit more of a big deal for us, and I don't mind soaking up the positive energy!

David is beyond amazing. Not only is he helping with more than his share of the housework and shopping, insisting that I nap, rest, sleep, take my beloved hot baths... but he does all of this without my asking or even hinting. He has been a true husband and partner through these first physically and emotionally draining few months and I was in tears of appreciation for him this evening.... in part realizing he will soon be gone and this will all be on my shoulders again.

On another note, we are nearly to our second trimester! I know that we've passed all the HUGE milestones and our chances of miscarriage have shrunk to about 4%, but there is something mentally reassuring about finishing the 12th week.... That magical date is December 20th, a measly nine days away.

Oh, and we are finding the baby's heartbeat with very little trouble now! At first I kept getting my own, but with practice and patience, and endless probing about my midsection I have become quite good at finding the undeniable, quick heartbeat of our little one. Sometimes it only lasts for 5 seconds or so, because of the baby's activity. So amazing....

Week Ten: Embryo is now a Fetus Nov 30 - Dec 6

You are 10 weeks pregnant. (eight weeks after conception)

From this week until birth, the developing organism is called a fetus.
The fetus is now the size of a small strawberry.
The feet are 2mm long (one tenth of an inch).
The neck is beginning to take shape.
The body muscles are almost developed. Baby has begun movement.
While still too small for you to feel, your little one is wriggling and shifting.
The jaws are in place. The mouth cavity and the nose are joined.
The ears and nose can now be seen clearly.
Fingerprints are already evident in the skin.
Nipples and hair follicles begin to form.

The unborn baby is now called a fetus. Though the fetus is constantly moving, you will not be able to actually feel fetal movement for several more weeks. All of the organs, muscles, and nerves are in place and beginning to function. As the hands and feet develop fingers and toes, they have lost their paddle like look. The touch pads on the fingers form and already have fingerprints.

During this week of pregnancy the crown to rump length of the fetus is 0.9 inch to 1.2 inches (22 to 30mm), weight 0.07 ounce (2gm). They are now on the way to forming their testicles or ovaries, getting ready for the next generation. Until the ninth week of fetus development, the fetal reproductive apparatus is the same one for the both sexes. The head is still large and curves into chest.

Each week your uterus grows larger with the baby growing inside it. You may begin to see your waistline growing thicker by this time. A pelvic exam will detect that your uterus has grown from it's normal, size of your fist, to a little bigger than a grapefruit.

Week Eleven: Neurons multiply - Dec 7 - Dec 14

You are 11 weeks pregnant. (nine weeks after conception)

The fetus CRL is about 1.5 inches (35mm) in size.
The fingers and toes have completely separated.
The taste buds are starting to develop.
Baby has tooth buds, the beginning of the complete set of 20 milk teeth.
Baby can swallow and stick out his or her tongue.
Whole body except tongue is sensitive to touch.
Cartilage now calcifying to become bone.
If it is a boy, the testicles are starting to produce the testosterone hormone.

The baby has an upper lip, toes and ears and twenty little teeth are now forming. The brain is growing rapidly and producing more than 250,000 nerve cells a minute. The heart is almost completely developed and very much resembles that of a newborn baby. An opening the atrium of the heart and the presence of a bypass valve divert much of the blood away from the lungs, as the child's blood is oxygenated through the placenta.

The eyelids have fused shut and will not open again until around week 27. The wrists and ankles have formed and the fingers and toes are clearly visible. Genitals have begun to form, but it is too early to tell the sex of the fetus. By this week of the pregnancy the placenta has developed enough to support most of the critical job of producing hormones.

By the 10th week of pregnancy, the crown to rump length of your growing baby is about 1.5 inches (35mm). The baby weighs close to 0.18 ounce (5g) and is the size of a small plum.

9 Weeks Pregnant

2010-12-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

You've got to use a bit of imagination... the head takes up nearly half of the baby.. it's little chin is tucked up into it's chest, the dark spot at the top of the head is the developing brain - the photo makes it look like the head is forked... but you can see how cute and round it is on the bottom photo!

Only an inch long, but we could see the tiny arm and leg buds waving around and the body wriggling back and forth. The heartbeat was so nice and strong, and baby measured two days ahead.

8w5d

2010-11-28T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well..... today's kind of a big day. This is the stage that we endured the loss of our first pregnancy. Of course, I don't know to the day that we got pregnant that time, but 8w5d is where the doctors pegged our miscarriage, so it's been heavy on my mind this past week.

Of course, so many things are different. We have a confirmed heartbeat (huge plus!!), and have witnessed our little one on ultrasound, measured him and he measured big (another huge plus!!), and there has been not even a trace of cramps or spotting. Yes, another big check in the 'plus' column.

I will tell you, though, this little one is making himself known to his mama. My stomach still feels tight and heavy, and I have learned to move slowly and with purpose because of the sharp tearing pain that jumps out if I don't. I don't have a lot of other symptoms, I get much more hungry than I ever have, which is new because I underwent lap band surgery ten years ago and usually eat about 1/2 of what a non-banded person eats. I'm pretty much up to full portions! And if I don't eat, I start to get nauseas. Not to the point of throwing up, but to the point of gagging and feeling lousy. I'm used to eating lunch at around 11 am... then dinner at 8 or 9 at night.

I'm actually making myself a real breakfast (and I don't usually like breakfast food) at 9, then eating an actual lunch around 1 and dinner around 7 pm. I am really enjoying eating!

The other major symptom I have is exhaustion. I have half the energy I usually do. Here's a brief (couldn't find my favorite) article on early pregnancy fatigue:

One of the most common symptoms of early pregnancy is fatigue.

During the early stages of pregnancy, your body is trying to work double time in order to keep up with all of the changes that are occurring. Some of the changes that are occurring include an increase production of hormones, as well as an increased blood flow. Along with the increased blood flow, the heart is pumping faster and harder to accommodate the additional blood flow. The increased blood is necessary in order for the growing fetus to get the nutrients it needs.

One of the primary reasons for extreme fatigue during early pregnancy is due to the increased production of progesterone. Progesterone is known to cause you to become sleepy as well as a natural depressant for the nervous system.

Another reason that can be attributed to fatigue during early pregnancy is because of all the extreme emotions that occur when a woman is pregnant. It is quite common for a pregnant woman to start crying to no other reason than a surge of hormones in her body.

Extreme fatigue is also a cue for a pregnant woman to get as much sleep as possible, before the arrival of the new baby. The body needs to be well rested for the upcoming labor and birth. As well, it is quite common for a new mother to get very little sleep after the new baby arrives.

If you are suffering from early signs of morning sickness, this can also contribute to fatigue during early pregnancy. Nausea and even vomiting can make a person feel extremely run down and exhausted.

Other than those few things, none of which are nearly as dramatic as heaving the last drop of moisture out of the depths of my stomach, my head much closer to a toilet seat than is reasonably germilogically safe, I feel pretty good. Some annoying mood swings, but I've been on so many hormones over the past 18 months that I couldn't tell you that my short lived dramatic fits are anything my family is noticing more now than before.

I do feel very protective over this pregnancy. I'm pretty sure that's normal for any mother, much less one who has lost so many pregnancies over the past three years. I had a family member refer to the baby as 'our baby' and it triggered a great deal of emotion for me. Although others might view this baby as being 'their' baby, I'm really enjoying David and I wrapping ourselves around this little life. We've been essentially on our own when it comes to the mourning, the finances, the pain (physical and emotional), the travel, and the endless, suspenseful waiting. Now that things are going well, it's sort of hard to include others on the journey, when we're so used to being on our own. I'm sure this feeling will subside as the pregnancy continues, and the baby comes... but for now... it's a little difficult to suddenly share.

Ultrasound number two will be on December 1st, next Wednesday. I'm truly excited. Of course there's a tiny bit of anxiety, but not a great deal. I'll keep you updated, most likely posting a new photo next week!!

Settling In

2010-11-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

Well it's been five days since our ultrasound. The baby, measuring 11mm at the time, should now be up to a whopping 16mm, or just over 1/2 an inch long. That's about the size of a raspberry. (If you ever google raspberry you'll come across some really amazing photos with yummy raspberries so beware.)

This is about how big our baby is at 8 weeks.

David and I have, of course, been talking a lot about what's going on inside my uterus. I said it felt kind of strange to have this little worm-like thing inside me, with a heartbeat and everything, and then I put my arms hands up to my chest and kind of flapped them like a T-Rex and made a strange sound to convey what my image of what was inside me looked like. David, horrified, said that he hoped to God that our baby would not have flippers and making a gahhh-gahhh sound. Hey. A sense of humour is seriously required in all this baby-making process.

As cute as that raspberry is, this is more likely what the baby looks like at this stage. I personally love the big square head and remainder of a tail. And yes, it does have flippers.

Honestly, although I do feel a bit strange knowing there is something alive inside me, literally attached to me and feeding off my body, I also feel an extremely strong protectiveness towards it. I like knowing that I'm wrapped around this little life, that my flesh protects it, and that I am aware. And there is a sense of anti-clamatic settling in, a feeling of 'now what?' to our day to day life. We are so conditioned to spending this time healing, mourning, finding strength to smile, employing our tried and true methods of coping. Now... this is new territory... this pure waiting and simply going about the business of being pregnant.

It's wonderful.

We are getting another ultrasound in about ten days or so. I'll know the actual date tomorrow. Maybe I should be more scared than I am; perhaps I should be worried about the heartbeat or the size of the fetus. But I'm not. Not really.

All my exhaustive research assures me that every good sign we could have in front of us, is there. Most of all, it just feels right.

The most surprising thing is realizing how far along we already are. We didn't allow ourselves to accept the pregnancy until it was almost a quarter of the way through. Now I get to see the baby with arms and legs at the next ultrasound, and I get to look forward to hearing the heartbeat on our own doppler in just a few short weeks. The first trimester ends in mid-December.

Heartbeat!!

2010-11-17T19:07:00.000-08:00

A beautiful tiny white flicker... like a blinking star. I could have stared at the ultrasound forever. The baby... I can say that now... the baby had a heartbeat of 139, and measured two days bigger than the 7w1d that he actually is.

To say that we were nervous is an understatement. How many times had we been that far. We sat in the parking lot enjoying the last few moments of hope before heading to the lab. Against protocol, they allowed David in the room for the entire exam. I couldn't see the screen. David could, but he didn't know what he was looking at... except afterwards he said that he knew what an empty sac looked like, and this sac wasn't empty. He didn't want to say anything because he didn't know if everything was okay.

Quietly the tech did her measuring and then she whispered, "There's a heartbeat."

I think I asked her to repeat herself at least three times.

We are in shock. We're so used to mourning and finding strength to move on at this point that this is totally new territory. We don't know what to think, what to do next, or how to handle this.

David was freaked out when he realized I was almost two months pregnant already. He kind of thought that the heartbeat was the starting point... and when I said we only have seven more months to go he was taken aback.

Our first trimester ends on December 20th, I believe. I'll be happy when that day is gone; for now I am just thrilled that our chances for a healthy birth have just skyrocketed!!!

7 Weeks Pregnant

2010-11-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

On Monday I went to the lab....again. I had another blood draw. I think that if I didn't get my ultrasound this week my veins would crawl out of my arms and let them die a slow, black, painful death. They are that sick of being poked. I actually have a tiny scar in the crook of one elbow from all the needles that go in that spot. The girls at the lab use it as a marker for my stubborn, deep veins.

It's only when they hit a little nerve that it really hurts. Sometimes they have to withdraw the needle and push it in four and five times. Each slow movement brings the glittering point almost out of my flesh, only to begin a slow, searching decent once again. I'm used to it. I hardly feel it anymore, although I can now actually feel when they poke into a vein now. Just from how the needle reacts and the slight pressure a millisecond before. It's very freeing, like being able to breath after holding your breath too long.

Anyhow. I went in again to for a beta. I made it through the weekend, and had no intentions of going until I got to work. I was virtually useless. Zip for concentration, less for memory and ability to get anything accomplished. It's because I knew I could be doing 'something'. So I went and sat in the freaking waiting room for nearly two hours until I could present my de-flowered arm for yet another wanton round of poking.

I tried to get the result that afternoon. It's a rare day when my GP's office gets lab results on the same day. At least I was able to focus and work knowing there was nothing more I could do.

The night was hell. I stayed up until midnight, then tossed and turns among vivid dreams of dead fish, fast rivers and long hikes through a forest with no real shadows. CSI-like lighting, everything superficially coloured and glowing from an unknown source of light. There was no fear, or real emotion, just this platter of dead, rotting, but unscented fish that I had to hide. At one point I brushed against these white, mushy whisker-like things that were on the fish's faces, and they smeared off on my hand. I recall thinking I should be sick with the feeling and the smell, but could register neither.

After my successful fish-hiding adventures (I threw them in the river and went along my way), I woke suddenly and completely to a very dark, safe and warm bedroom. I wasn't alone. My thoughts were screaming through my head, tumbling along, scratching and biting and clawing for attention. I kept playing the upcoming telephone call in my head. I heard the nurse, over and over, with different variations of what was continually the same message. A slow rise - too slow to be promising, or worse, a drop. I kept hearing her tell me that my beta had fallen to 10,000. That it was only 13,000. And in my head, like a director of a sad movie, I rehearsed how I would feel. What I would do to go on with my day, my week. How I would tell David, who didn't know about the beta. How I would feel about the ultrasound, knowing it was doomed.

Anyhow... it gives you a picture. Of course I was again useless at work. I kept calling the GP's office and kept being told to call back in an hour, two hours, after lunch... no results were in. Finally, the nurse called me back. I mentally prepared myself and hoped I could remember my lines, so carefully rehearsed a million times, and prayed I could go on with my day.

Then she told me. Seven, two, nine, eight, four. That's seventy two thousand, nine hundred and eighty four. Which is the one thing I did not expect. 72,943. It had rose more than I could have ever hoped. It's rising 'ideally'. I cried at my desk.

I have been in shock all day. So has David, whom I quickly called and confessed the excellent news to. It's all becoming, step by step, moment by moment... a real possibility.

I know this is not a sure thing. It's just a good sign. A really, exceptionally, wonderfully positive real good sign.

Ultrasound - tomorrow at 1:00. David will be there, I will be there, and hopefully, some new little someone will also be there.

6 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant

2010-11-15T05:18:00.000-08:00

Oh how I love writing the title of the posts. I've never been able to go past seven weeks so far. Sad, but true. And yet each and every time I grab onto the hope and swing on it like Jane clinging to Tarzan. As if my life depended on it.

I had a fear-fit this weekend. Just the reality of how close the ultimate answer is is freaking me out a bit. What if it's another blighted ovum? What if there's no heartbeat? What if there is? David and I talked about how 'comfortable' it is to be sad. How that's what we are used to and know how to handle after three years. Like a worn, useless glove that fits perfectly.

David and I talked about how positive we are this time, and I worried that we might be setting ourselves up for a bigger fall. I loved what he said, "I'd rather be happy for a few weeks and then really sad for two days than be worried the entire time and still be sad for two days."

Of course, I combatted my fear with some major attempts at finding medical information online. I found a great case study. I then kept on looking and found a very promising article that, among other things, stated this:

Serum hCG values in infertility

Serum hCG values for the diagnosis of early pregnancy in patients undergoing in-vitro fertilization–embryo transfer (IVF-ET) have been studied.¹³ Serum hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer correlate with pregnancy outcome. In a study of 111 patients with positive quantitative hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer, the following pregnancy outcomes were observed:

Levels <300 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 9%
Levels 300-600 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 50%
Levels >600 mIU/mL, multiple pregnancy rate was 100%

Therefore, in this particular population, quantitative assay results can be used to guide counseling and further evaluation.

Interestingly enough these values refer to hCG levels 14 days past embryo TRANSFER - not RETRIEVAL. I didn't notice that at first and was a little freaked.. but then when I thought about it, honestly.. not too many of us have more than 300mIU/ml at 14DPO...

The study had a lot more to say, as did the first one. If you are interested I highly suggest a good read. You'll have to pick your way through the medical jargon, but if you concentrate and re-read it a few times, you should be able to get some *real* information, not just forum or blog opinions.

It's very early on Monday morning. I've been up since five when David left for work. I am contemplating getting another beta this morning but I don't really see the point. If it's low I will just be in total agony, if it's high I still won't know for sure what's going on until the ultrasound. Might as well just keep my head in the sand and look forward to Wednesday.

Major Countdown

2010-11-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

It's rather late on Friday night. Tomorrow is Saturday. Um. Why am I outlining such obvious facts? Because I say them over a few times a day so I can keep it straight in my head how long it will be before we get our ultrasound.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Ultrasound Wednesday.

I'm not going to count Saturday since it's practically here. Three days until our ultrasound. When I got the date it was eighteen days away. A lifetime, so it seemed.

I have had major, but short lived bouts of anxiety. Nothing like before. I admit that I might simply be better at handling the anxiety, but I'd rather think that my inner-voice is calming me rather than blowing sharp whistles in my ear, a warning that all hell is going to explode when I get that ultrasound.

I don't really feel 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. I have an extremely 'tight' feeling in my abdomen, along with the other symptoms in my last post. But no real deep intuition or feeling of attachment. I enjoy talking to David about the ever real possibility of a baby next summer... yet on the other hand I can imagine what my reaction will be if we are once again let down.

Shrug. What is, is. Knowing the truth does not change the truth.

I still pee on an internet cheapie from time to time just for pure entertainment's sake. The dark purple line appearing before the pee makes it all the way up to the control line has some freakishly satisfying effect on me. It's like a drug, one that's available only during the first few weeks of pregnancy. I admit that I know the test doesn't tell me a god-dammed thing. I have tens of thousands mIU of hCG flowing through my system - I'd be a freak if the test didn't light up like a christmas tree. Even if something were wrong, I'd still trigger that test for at least a couple weeks. Anyhow. It's fun. It's cheap and I like it so never mind.

Bitch of A Nurse - Bouncing Back

2010-11-11T07:18:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure why I did it. But I did. Since we really aren't telling many people we're pregnant (again) because we know we *might* lose it (again), the few people who do know what's going on in my uterus are prone to my bursts of happiness, exciting news updates and general stints of unnecessary blobs of information.

Mostly, those people are the ladies I work with, my sons' girlfriends and my friend, Leah.

So when we got yet another fabulous beta on Monday, I was kind of overflowing with awe and excitement. I could not imagine my numbers being five digits long. And they were. I was thrilled and overwhelmed...with good reason!

I couldn't help myself, I dialed my clinic in Burnaby and asked to speak to one of the nurses. She answered the phone (I politely had waiting until near the end of the day, when the clinic is quiet). I let her know that I had been getting additional betas because I needed the reassurance. Now, why did I even think I needed to justify my actions to her? It's my body, my pregnancy, my history, and honestly, I can do whatever the hell I feel like without her permission. Yet, I found myself tripping over my words, telling her that I had gone around the clinic's protocol and *gasp* gotten more betas *gasp* on my own accord.

I could tell she was unimpressed. Even when I told her that my 27dpo beta was nearly 20,000. She was tight lipped (or I imagined she was) and frowning slightly on the other end of the line. There was a feeling of having to explain why I was happy. At this point I was feeling stupid and awkward to the core, like when you are 15 and you get enough guts up to talk to the cute boy at school and as soon as you start to speak you realize how utterly dorky and obvious you appear.

"We've just been through so much this year," I explained, "I just want to have a heads up about what to expect so we are prepared..."

Silence.

"We had such low betas last time, and they were slow as well.. I know that it's less likely that we are going to have another blighted ovum with such good numbers this time around," I stammered, hopefully.

Silence.

"Isn't that right.......?" My voice... tiny even to myself.

Finally she spoke. I wish she hadn't.

"The reason the clinic does not do beta testing after the fourth week is it is really not useful information. Anything can happen before the ultrasound and there is really nothing that additional betas tell us. We do two betas so we can confirm a pregnancy and then we wait until the ultrasound to make sure it's viable."

Silence.

"But I know that blighted ovums are associated with lower betas for the most part..... my betas are so good... I just wanted to have some reassurance that things might be better this time..." Now I actually sound whiny. And I'm hating myself for even calling her. I'm hating myself more for listening to what she's saying.

"As I said, those numbers don't tell us anything," she continues, after letting my pathetic little beg go unnoticed, "we must wait until the ultrasound so we can determine viability. Betas vary too widely after four weeks for us to be able to tell anything from them."

"Oh, okay." I said. "I'll just wait until next week then. Thank you...."

"Was there anything else?" She asks, sweetly.

"No, I just wanted my numbers noted in the file," I replied, weakly.

After hanging up, it felt like everything around me was falling. There was a sense of unreality sinking in. Who was I to get my hopes up? What made me think I had a right to enjoy one moment of this? To feel true hope, true wonder at what was happening, to experience part of this journey without the constant feeling of a razor poised neatly at my throat?

I realized that what she said was true. While low betas are certainly associated with blighted ovums, there are reports (I've scrounged a few) from women on forums (nothing medical that I can find) of women having what sound like normal betas and still having blighted ovums. I spent several hours working quietly at my desk, sinking into the nurses' words, letting them soak into what had been a happy, positive mental attitude for the past few weeks. The reality of what the nurse said was like a dark, bloody stain on my day.... on my hope.

Then, like every other time I've been brought to my knees in the past three years, I started to get pissed off. I didn't want to be ignorant and have false hope, but I didn't want to take one person's opinion and run with it like it was some kind of golden truth, either. Just because she has her degree does not mean she knows more about this particular subject than I do. She sure doesn't care about it as much as I do. And she sure doesn't know what I know, or what it's like to be in my body, with my past and my attitude and my tenacity.

Blighted Ovum and HCG Levels

This is a link to an article that was given to me by a person who works at a well respected clinic when I spoke to him about my betas and fear of another blighted ovum. Basically it is a study of IVF patients who were monitored and they confirmed a direct link to low betas and blighted ovums.

The levels I have been getting with my betas are normal/high for a healthy singleton pregnancy. They are average for a healthy twin pregnancy. These betas are not slow, they are not low, they are nearly ideal.

They DO mean something. Low betas mean something. High betas mean something. They might not tell us if there is a heartbeat, or twins, or if our baby has eleven fingers or amber eyes, but for crying out loud, they DO tell us something.

The nurse was wrong. She was wrong with her information and she was wrong for how she told me what she thinks is truth. All I really wanted, I realized, was for someone else to say..."Hey, those numbers sound promising!" or "I understand how worried you are, it's just another week until your ultrasound, meanwhile, I'll make a note of this in your chart. How are you feeling otherwise?"

I'm not an idiot. I know there might be no heartbeat. I know there might be nothing at all. But I also know that I am more likely, MUCH more likely, to have good news this time than any other. And I am smart enough to know that the best thing I can do for myself, my husband and this baby is to have a calm, positive attitude and above all - hope.

I don't know why the nurse did what she did. I guess it's just office protocol to not offer any 'medical' opinion unless it comes from a doctor. I guess hope and kindness might fall into that category. Maybe she's been through that conversation before and had it turn out horribly for the patient, even after good betas. Who knows.

Here's another reason I'm hopeful. I have such bad round ligament pain that there just has to be something growing in there. When I cough, sneeze, stretch, or move suddenly, I get a tearing, ripping pain through my abdomen. Directly around my uterus. I've never, ever experienced this before. It feels like I've done two hundred sit-ups.

I'm also experiencing constipation. Ew, I know. But this is just biological stuff we're discussing here and my dignity went out the window right around the time I had my twentieth vaginal ultrasound. I swear I've had more people look up my skirt than a college co-ed with something to prove. The thing about me, is I've never had issues with my bowels. I watch those yogurt commercials with a kind of smugness. No issues here, ladies! Okay. *now* there are issues. If you're wondering what having a little sweet pea nestled in the uterus has to do with bowel movements, it has to do with the hormones being released.

"In early pregnancy, constipation occurs because the body has created more progesterone, which in turn slows digestion in the intestines. In fact, it’s actually considered one of the first symptoms of pregnancy."

Okay. Maybe it's not that bad, but if you're not used to it, it's horrid. And, the picture really made me laugh. Looking at it makes me laugh again! Had to share. Can't laugh at yourself you are doomed to live a sorry ass life.

Moving on up. Breasts. Pretty to look at, pleasant to hold... well. Not anymore. The holding at least. If David looks sideways at my boobs he's getting the evil eye from me. My terry cloth bathrobe feels like sandpaper on my nipples. At night, the aching of the entire breast wakes me up. They feel, at best, like they've gone ten rounds with some idiot who has a fetish for twisting nipples and rough groping. Ugh.

And, I'm losing weight. I'm not hungry. I'm slightly nauseous from time to time, but hardly every hungry. Nothing sounds like it will taste good. I'm not interested in food. I've had a few bouts when I am suddenly 'clear' and really hungry, and gobble whatever I can get to, but usually I'm pretty apathetic about food. Not that I can't stand to lose a pound or two. I've dropped 15 since January (and that's during treatment, people!!), but I'd rather have been another 15 lbs lighter at the beginning of this pregnancy. I'm not complaining.

Emotionally I'm feeling good. I got over the bitchy nurse thing and realized my clinic's job is not to make me feel better, it's to make me pregnant better. And they are good at that. I'll go to my friends, family and internet forums for a pat on the back and a kind word.

27DPO Beta

2010-11-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

19,840

6 weeks Pregnant

2010-11-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I'll officially be six weeks pregnant.

Tomorrow I'll get the final beta test result. I went today to get one more beta. My sore and tired veins were not cooperating so I took that as a sign that enough was enough - just take the good news and run with it.

Although I wish I could say I am totally comfortable with the positive attitude, I would not be honest. I am about 90% confident that we will get a heartbeat next week. The 10% is pretty freaking normal for a woman who has gone through what I have gone through.

It seems surreal... literally like I am dream walking when I think about things going well. Usually by this point I am a bloody emotional mess. I'm usually crawling with anxiety about the looming ultrasound... even though last time I was fairly confident, there was a huge part of me that was totally prepared for the empty blob on the ultrasound machine.

I am expecting my beta to be somewhere over 20,000... I'll get the results at about 10 a.m. I hope.. perhaps after noon as I went to the lab late.

How am I feeling.... well... here's a little breakdown:

- A little more tired than usual - sometimes I just want to lay down and relax.
- Not into eating that much last few days... nothing seems appealing.... no nausea, just lack of appetite
- Constipated - Ugh. I know. Sorry.
- Sore lower back... usually in the late afternoon/evening
- Occasional mood swings
- Sore breasts - comes and goes
- Some pulling/tearing sensations in the mid abdomen still - when moving quickly, or stretching.. not as bad as it was but still there
- Emotionally I'm still pretty apathetic... what will be will be. I have periods of doubt and periods of joy... Mostly I have periods of trying to distract myself and not think about it.
- Oh, and vivid, vivid dreams. Several... every night. Vivid.

Honestly I thought I'd have more symptoms than this.. you know... examining my toilet real close up on a daily basis... an extreme reaction to raw meat or cooking eggs..... sheer exhaustion or bouts of crying...

But nah..... I just kind of feel like me... with the little aches and pains and worries magnified jus' a bit.

23DPO Beta...

2010-11-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

I was literally up half the night worried. I was worried about today's numbers. Had nightmares. I held my breath when the nurse gave me the information. 6060. That's a great number.... better than I could ever hope for...

14DPO 138
16DPO 351 - 35.6 hours doubling
21DPO 2826 - 39.9 hours doubling
23DPO 6060 - 43.61 hours doubling

check out http://www.betabase.info/ if you want to check your own betas.. I love that site.

These numbers are great - no worries about them slowly getting longer with doubling time... that's totally expected as the betas climb.

Today

2010-11-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

I had another beta. I can't help but be secretly thrilled at how well things are going and a teeny bit scared it will all drop out from under us any moment. I wanted to get another read on what's going on while David was here. So we can enjoy the weekend. So I can create an exercise wheel for my overactive mind to whirl away on while the time crawls by. Something to wonder about, something to look forward to between now and my ultrasound.

If my numbers were 2826 on 21dpo then we're hoping for hmmm.... 5600ish? Wow. I could get used to all this good news.

I had a scare this afternoon. I called my doctor's office for the beta results and the nurse told me they were 2826. I had previously gotten 2865 two days ago. So I thought I my beta was falling and I was miscarrying. My world kind of fell out from underneath me. Slowly, but rapidly all at once. I asked her to repeat the number.

"Hold on," she said, "oh, yes, that's right. 2826."

Then, "wait, hold it. No, those numbers are from November 2nd."

Mygawd. Okay, so I didn't write them down properly when I got them the first time. So they are not falling. Geez. Talk about being thankful.

Tomorrow I'll get the results around 10a.m. I'm so hopeful!!

I am not having much in the way of symptoms. I am exceptionally confrontational. I have short but sever bouts of nausea (might be partially because of the progesterone). My breasts are sensitive, I have some mild backaches and still some RLP, although that's eased up lately.

Please send out good thoughts for us. For strength to get through the next two weeks, regardless of the outcome. For the grace and dignity to handle whatever happens. For my husband, who is the strongest man I have ever met, but who falls to his knees when faced with losing yet another possible chance at becoming a father.

It's going to be great. I am enjoying the lack of symptoms. I remember how sick I was with both my boys. How I actually wished to NOT be pregnant if I could just stop throwing up. *laugh* ah... those were the days!

21DPO Beta

2010-11-03T14:10:00.001-07:00

~~2165~~ 2826

Doubling time 40 hours!!!
Gawd. I was off by 700!!

New Beta Results

2010-11-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Are due today. I want to at least follow the betas if I'm not going to get a super early ultrasound. I know the betas don't tell me everything, but if they keep rising as quickly as they started, I'll at least feel a LOT more comforted in the following 13 days. I'm not going to go every second day, but I might go three more times. That'll give me a much more clear vision of what to expect.

Since so many people have asked... Ultrasound is November 17th at 1:00 pm! Time will be upon me before I know it. Yeah, right! It's worse than waiting for Christmas when I was seven.

I am still having extremely vivid dreams every night. Detailed and 'real'. No flying or strange things happening, but real life situations with real people.

I spoke to my doctor yesterday about the pain I've been experiencing. I had spoken to my clinic before but the nurse said they could be cramps or irritation from the progesterone? LOL! Really? My *clinic* nurse said that? Ugh. They are great at their jobs but honestly I think I know more about medication and fertility than some of them. Progesterone will not cause cramps, and as I've been on it for nearly two years I doubt that I have sudden 'irritation'. I did a ton of research and what I am getting totally sounds like RPL. So, as I said, I talked to my amazing GP and he agreed, it really does sound like RPL. Although he was shocked that I was having it this early. He said he hoped it was a good sign.

It's not quite as bad as it was before, but it's still persistent enough to keep me cautious. Other than that, the mild bitchiness and sore breasts, I don't really feel much of anything. The pregnancy seems far away and happening to someone else because I keep myself totally distracted except for when I am blogging or answering forum posts on the subject. When I do think about it, I think only as far as the next step. The next beta, the ultrasound, the twelve week mark. December 21st will mark the start of my second semester. Nice timing!

So anyhow, I got another beta done yesterday and won't get the results until this morning. If the hcg is doubling the beta should be around 2000. It seems odd that it could be that high and I'm not having m/s. However, I had pretty good m/s with the last two and nothing at all to show for it. Every pregnancy is different and so is every woman.

19dpo

2010-10-31T15:39:00.001-07:00

Okay. Guess I'd better update. Either someone will be amused by reading it or I'll want to look back a year from now and see what was happening at this exact day in my life.

I have a few moments to myself. Avoiding work for the first time since I got home on the 18th. I even went in for six hours yesterday when it was my day off. Ah well... it's not like I am lifting crates. It's the mental stress of being at work that is difficult for me, even without the natural and artificial hormones raging through my body. I shouldn't say difficult. I love my business and the people there, it's that sometimes it feels like an atomic bomb has been dropped in the store, when huge orders arrive, customers and lined up and staff are requesting my attention so they can go on with their tasks. All in all it's a wonderful frenzy. When I'm distracted and hormonal with the pregnancy it's just a frenzy. *laugh*

I'm not having much in the way of symptoms. My back is super sore today which is usually a pregnancy sign, but I had a scare yesterday. I was walking across a nearly deserted parking lot, head down, not paying attention, reading a text from my husband. Out of the corner of my eye I caught backup lights from a white mini-van. Although it was at least three feet from hitting me, and the driver slammed on the brakes in plenty of time, I was very startled. I jumped. I twisted and jumped. The driver, a very nice woman I know as a customer and casual friend, seemed to have backed up as a joke... or at least covered not seeing me by making a joke out of it. I wrenched my back and was pretty pissed off... considering I am not supposed to making sudden movements or even lift a ten pound package of hamburger meat.

So of course, I don't know if my sore back is from the twisting and jerking action from yesterday, or if it's a pregnancy symptom. I only get back pain when I am pregnant. No other time... but now I can't even enjoy it. And some small part of me niggles away, asking if something happened as a result of that jumping and tension. You know. Something not good.

Yesterday, on impulse, I bought another FRER and took it. The test line literally turned dark before the sample passed all the way across the window. It was dark well before the control line faded in! I hate this part. The waiting. There are tiny bits of doubt chewing away at the edges of my sanity. Wondering if things are okay, still.

I can't understand why they won't give me an early ultrasound. Honestly. I'm not a burden on the system. I'm self pay for crying out loud. The only thing I use the medical system for is processing my blood tests and about two measly ultrasounds per cycle. I pay for my meds, I pay for my trips, I pay for my doctors. Why can't they spring for one lousy ultrasound in addition to the one I get at 7 weeks. I know it's not the money, our medical system is just amazing. It's that the doctors can't justify it when there may not be a heartbeat yet. Which is bogus because the heartbeat if often seen at just under 6 weeks. Often. At the very least we'd see a yolk sac and fetal pole. We'd see something if there were something there to see.

I do feel good about things, but I've felt good before, and no matter how positive my mental attitude is, and it is very positive, it would be inhumane to think a woman can walk the road I've walked and not be wary of the turns ahead.

So it's frustrating to know that the answer is a ten minute appointment with an ultrasound machine. I'm going to see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm going to ask him for a standing order for beta tests so I can go get a blood draw whenever I want, and I'm going to ask him for a requisition for an early 6 week ultrasound. I know we won't see a lot.... but we should see something. My little something. My big little something.

I kind of have a running tally in my head of what my hcg would be. It was 351 at 16dpo so if it just doubles it would be over 700 yesterday, about 1100 today and over 1400 tomorrow... Crazy I know but honestly, I love thinking about it. I'm not concentrating on July yet or anything beyond that one ultrasound. And that heartbeat. Thump. Thump. A hundred times a minute.

16dpo Beta Results

2010-10-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Was happy happy to get my results today... 351! Too cool. Honestly. That's like... way way over my last pregnancies. I am not raging with symptoms but honestly, I don't feel like I should be. I am only 4.5 weeks along and symptoms typically don't kick in until 6 weeks. I mean, I'm exhausted. I'm experiencing round ligament pain, and I am a tad moody.... moody and happy. Together.

2nd Beta Today

2010-10-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

Will be updating my blog as soon as we get the numbers! I have to admit I feel a little bad about the title of the last post - I was in a quirky kind of mood.

I'm anxious and excited about my beta today. I went and checked the last two betas and they were only 62 and 54 at the same point - 14dpo! I know I remember being pretty worried, but they slowly grew and so I put my fears aside, or tried to.

This time I'm really hoping we're getting higher numbers and better doubling times.

I am having exceptionally strong round ligament pains, which is freaky for so early in the pregnancy. At night if I roll over or stretch in the morning, I am in such pain that I actually gasp and freeze my movements until I can slowly work the muscles into submission. Even if I am bent over a project at work and stand up suddenly I am forced to slow down and move with caution. I'm hoping this is a good sign.

By the way, my current beta numbers are in the highest category for those women who went on to have successful single pregnancies. My numbers are also in the second highest category for women who went on to have successful twin pregnancies. Yikes. I'd rather have one super healthy baby than two who might struggle.

It's Over.

2010-10-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

My obsession to pee on a home pregnancy test. I didn't even do it today, not even once. Maybe it's because it was my beta day. And we got great results. Way better than last time. 137.8. I'm kind of just saying 138 because it was so close.

So our beta today was 138. As far as numbers go, my clinic considers 50 to be pregnant, but barely. 100 on beta day is excellent news. Did I mention that we got 138?

Groundhog Day

2010-10-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things happen over
over until you learn something.

David and I spent our one day off working like crazy. We work a lot this time of year and it's important that we do what we can to keep our domestic life somewhat normal. As in laundry, food in the fridge and clean sheets. We got a ton of stuff done, and are both off to work again very early in the morning. I've been working hard this week and need to take it a bit easier. Not physical stuff, but just really long hours and I really should be going home for a while or at least early once in a while. I hate taking my progesterone at work - public bathrooms just aren't the place I feel warm and fuzzy in while poking pills up my yahoo.

While we made dinner together, we talked about the pregnancy... and how we've gone through this part over and over. Kind of like that movie "Groundhog Day", with Bill Murray. It's all the same thing, pregnancy test is positive, lines are darkening, beta number one, beta number two... etc. etc. Eventually something changes though. Eventually the story continues, though. Eventually something different happens. We're hoping with all we got that this is our new ending to the same old story. We're hoping we've learned whatever lesson we needed to move on from 'wanting' to 'having'.

Letting whatever will be just wash over
me and finding gratitude whether or not
I get what I think I want.

I'm still really honestly not freaking out. I'm surprising myself, actually. It's easy to say I'm going to relax but another thing to actually do it when there is literally a life hanging in the balance. The life of this baby that's currently growing inside me. But I've really accepted that I do not have any control over this baby. Not even when it's just a tiny speck of cells buried deep within my womb; completely surrounded by my energy, my blood, my flesh - not even then do I have any control over that life. Already it is independent of me while still so intimately connected. And accepting that has made this part.... livable. It's not torture this time.

I felt so guilty the first time we miscarried. I had worked two sixteen hour days back to back in the hot sun, knowing I was pregnant. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that, but I do accept that it happened and there's nothing I can do to change it. Not just accept what happened, but I feel I've also surrendered to what may be. Whether it's a warm, squirmy, cooing baby in eight months or miscarriage after miscarriage, I surrender to it. It's the experience that is important, not getting what I think I want.

3Weeks, 5 Days Pregnant

2010-10-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

A photo is worth a thousand words!

oops. our weekly countdown will be on the tuesday of every week - not sunday!

11dpo - 6dp5td The Saga Continues

2010-10-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

And so does the good news! This evening I tested again and the line is darker... and for the first time I got a line on those lousy internet cheapie tests. It's not a glaring line, and it's not appearing the same time as the control, but it's totally there and totally darkening. This is the first time I am looking forward to my beta, and the first time I am looking forward to my ultrasound. I didn't run to my doctor for an early beta, and I'm not obsessing about getting an early ultrasound. I feel like I'm going to have a baby.

I'm not throwing up all day, but I do feel queasy from time to time. I'm a wee bit overemotional, but not sobbing like a mad woman. I'm a bit tired, but not to the point where I am yawning all day. My breasts ache, but don't throb with pain. So yes, there are some symptoms, but I'm not worried at the least about not being overwhelmed with them - I mean, I'm barely pregnant! There's barely any hormone in my system, I shouldn't be sick yet.

My clinic usually does first ultrasounds at about seven weeks, around November 10th. Beta is on the 26th, Tuesday... and then another on Thursday the 28th. Yay!

10DPO - 5dp5dt - BFP!

2010-10-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!!!! Photo taken in just under four minutes...

9DPO - 4dp5dt

2010-10-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

And I'm testing. And testing. It's the most fun part of this entire process! At least.. when you get something to ponder and photograph. Which I do.

I took the first test at 7dpo. Yes, there was a tiny thin line that took forever to show up. Obviously the trigger shot, but very faint and knowing how the trigger metabolizes, it was not going to stick around for long. That was 9 days past the trigger. The trigger is supposed to be out of your system after ten days.... that's the longest all the websites say, so I think it's pretty safe to say that ten days is an acceptable timeline.

So I took another test at 8dpo (yesterday), and hmmmm.... there was another line. Okay. This is a bit early for a bfp, but perhaps it's a very early bfp crossing over a very late trigger...? Could happen?

Today I am 11 days past the trigger.. and got another line. Definitely stronger than the lines before. So here's my very first HPT Junkie Photo. I won't post anymore unless there are lines. Don't get me wrong... of all the people out there, I don't need your tsk tsk'ing of disapproval for me getting my hopes up, or testing too early. As I've said - this is fun for me and I want to squeeze every bit of possible joy out of every bit of goodness possible.

Oh yeah, and there are some symptoms. I'd like to rip my breasts off my chest and toss them into the kitchen garbage pail. I did rip my husband's head off last night when he came in from the pipeline for a romantic evening with me. I said I was sorry, carefully sewed it back on, and then promptly ripped it off again. Yay for me. Happy little pregnant lady. Just glowing at times like that.

Hey, I've been pregnant four times.. or is it five... in the past three years, so I know the rug can fly out from underneath me in a whisper's wink. That's why I have my hands on the hallway rug and have my hands firmly placed on the wall. I'm solid. I'm prepared. I'm ready for a pregnancy and maybe that's what makes me emotionally stable enough to deal with not getting one.

2dp5dt - 7DPO

2010-10-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

What does 2dp5dt mean? What does DPO mean? If you don't speak 'fertility' let me translate.

2dp = 2 days past

5dt = 5 day transfer... the '5' refers to how old the transfers are.... in this case, ours were five days old

dpo = days past ovulation

You'll notice that the 2 and the 5 equal 7, hence the 7dpo..... it's a little easier for some women who are following to have the timeline pointed out in both terms.

So, there you go, a lil' lesson on fertility-speak. Now that you know what it means, want to know what it means?

It means, quite simply, that we are getting really close to seeing if this thing worked. I've always gotten a real bfp (big fat positive) by 9dpo.

One really horrible time after an IUI, I tested at 9DPO and it was positive. I was so excited... then realized it just 'might' be the hcg trigger. I tested again at 10DPO and it was totally white. Ugh. Like I needed that self-imposed kick in the gut. So after that I learned to test out the trigger. That's fertility talk for taking a pregnancy test early on a daily basis so you see the line fade away as the hcg leaves your system.

If the lines comes back, you're pregnant. If it doesn't, you never were. Isn't there a quote that goes something like that?

As far as feeling anything, I'm not feeling anything except hunger. That's about all that's different - I'm hungrier than I usually am.

Well, there is something that is different. Still different all the way through this. I'm not obsessing. I forget to update my blog. I forget that I just had an IVF. I'm not googling everything related to IVF, and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night wondering if things are going good down there. I'm not worried about it. I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring. I am thrilled with the idea of a healthy pregnancy and raising a child, but I am tired with wanting it so endlessly. It's exhausting.

I realize that what's so different is that I'm done 'wanting' so badly. It's not something I want to experience anymore. I am going to enjoy the experience for what it is no matter where it takes me; I'm going to gasp and laugh with the highs and let my stomach sink with the lows, but no matter what I am going to feel, above all, the thrill of it all.

I will feel disappointment and worry when a cool shadow of question falls across my face. I'll feel the hot surge of hope deep in my stomach when a whisper of hope whirls through world. There will be moments of sweet, tangy anticipation and breathless, cold moments of dread, but I am finished with the empty, numb feeling of want. And I am grateful for the ride, so very, very grateful.

Samosas and Babies

2010-10-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am now "pregnant until proven otherwise" or "PUPO" in the IVF/fertility world. Today the doctors placed three beautiful embryos into my awaiting uterus and I couldn't be happier. Although David wasn't able to be there with me, my long time girlfriend was there, and when she asked if she could come into the operating room with me, I was both surprised and deeply thankful.

She donned the gown, cap and booties and shared one of the most amazing experiences of my life with me. So much better when you have a loved one there to witness something so sacred. She was actually a little choked up about it, as was I, of course.

There were only two transfers this morning, so the clinic was lazy and dim, very peaceful... I hadn't drank enough water to fill my bladder. Last time I did this I was cramping so bad from having to pee that my stomach was literally contracting and my back was enduring spasms. Not. This. Time. This time, I drank only until they told me it was just right, and then was able to endure the 15 minutes of flat on my back stillness without much difficulty.

I fly home tomorrow evening. This trip has been very, very different for me. Life has been much more full these past few months, with my determination to stop obsessing about wanting a baby. I've truly needed the time with my girlfriend more than I could ever have imagined. Lately, my female relatives and I have had a bit of a regression (to put it mildly) in what were already strained and painful relationships.... mostly since my sister passed away.

Being with a female friend, someone who loves my company, enjoys long deep conversations, depends on my opinion and is quick to give me hers.... A friend who has me in her home, insists on me taking her lovely, serene bedroom, but loves to come in with hot chai tea, just talking or reading together... whom I've been able to browse bookstores with and explore restaurants with, whom shared her secret recipes and wrote down mine, whom is so totally honest with me and whom cares so much for what I am experiencing and praying for... Well... this two weeks has been deeply emotionally healing and enjoyable in more ways than I can count.

Sisters are not just people you are related to.

Anyhow... along with the rebirth of a very treasured friendship, I am greatly anticipating another birth that will take place sometime in June or July of 2011...

We transferred three gorgeous embryos... a 3AA, 3AB and a 2AB, with five more going to freeze. That's one more than last cycle, so yeah for us! The doctor started to do the whole "are you sure you want to transfer three" and I said "Yes, we ARE sure"... and that was that... he said he thought it was a good idea as well, although he did say there was a good chance of all three sticking. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

Tomorrow brings a final lazy day of doing nothing in one of the most beautiful, progressive and vibrant cities in the world, followed by an early dinner and late trip to the airport. Midnight will find me on home ground in my little northern town, sporting some amazing samosas, indian spices, gifts for my kids and one or two babies to be.

MMMmmmmm samosas.

Day Four Morulas

2010-10-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

Wow. Feels like I've written this before. In February, I think. Ugh.

Let's hope for a better outcome this time, shall we?

So anyhow... we have eight embryos that are now four days old. They are at morula stage, which is just some name for how far they've developed. The cells are starting to compact and not usually individually visible. They say it's not unusual to lose half of the embryos from day three but thankfully this hasn't happened!

What else hasn't happened... Well for one thing I go hours and hours without thinking about the IVF. Even half a day or more. This does not mean I am cold hearted or uncaring, it means I am able to distract myself with some degree of success and think about other things. Like spending much, much needed girlfriend time with Simar; like doing a little Christmas shopping for my family; like just taking hot baths and cooking good food.

Another thing that hasn't happened is that I am not freaking out about what we will do if this doesn't work. David and I had a very serious, very honest talk about what we would do in that case. And at the end of it all, we both agreed the following facts:

We only have a small window of time that I can safely conceive a child.
We have excellent results as far as:

Egg production
Sperm production
Egg quality
Fertilization
Implantation

We survived the first miscarriage and agreed it was the hardest.
Money, while never to be taken lightly, is not really an issue in this case. We do not regret one single penny of what we've spent so far, and it hasn't impacted our savings or our future.
Success, aka a child of our own, will make every needle, every plane trip, every ultrasound, pill, doctor's appointment, tear and heartache worth it.
If it doesn't work, we have our entire lives to get over it. Yes there will always be sadness attached to the loss and inability to conceive, however, life is not without loss and sadness.

In the past, David has been rather hesitant to take the next step in all of this. From the decision to try, to timing intercourse, to IUIs, to clomid, to IVF, and then to IVF again... we've had intense discussions (never angry or arguing) about whether or not to do this... to take it another step.

Once he's on board, I could not dream of a better partner and husband. He is supportive, encouraging, hopeful, thankful and all around a wonderful guy. It's the time between the failure and the agreeing to keep going that's really tough on me (and him I suspect). I just don't have it in my any more to keep pushing and pulling him along during those in-between times. I am also dealing with the hormones, the wear and tear on my body, my business being left, and the eventual loss of the pregnancy... so to have to try and use my feminine charms to get him back in the saddle was just too much for me this time. Previously I've always begun to worry more about 'can we try again' if this fails than the actual failure itself. Not good!

So what also hasn't happened is that I am no longer as anxious about possible failure meaning possible end of the road. David said that he agreed with me on the above facts listed, and that he wants to give it all we can until we can't anymore. Whew. Emotional load just released from my shoulders. Thank you, honey.

Tomorrow is Egg Transfer time. No idea why I cap't that, but it seemed like a Big Deal, so I did. 10:30 tomorrow we'll be pregnant with three embryos who hopefully decide to stick it out and meet mom and dad in about nine months.

Wish. Me. Luck. ;)

Day Three Embryos

2010-10-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not updating. Sorry Sorry Sorry but I was visiting David and didn't really have internet access since Sunday. David left last night and so I am back at my girlfriend's house, wrapped up in a comfy blanket, sipping chocolate milk and watching Oprah. Life is pretty tough.

So, on Tuesday we had our egg retrieval. It was pretty uneventful. Pretty painful but not nearly as bad as the first time. I had over two times the amount of meds this time and still had hardly any side effect. They were surprised at how fast I metabolized the painkillers. We managed to produce 32 eggs, but were kind of surprised to find only 12 fertilized normally. Ugh. I admit I was kind of bummed at the news, but when you really think about it, having 12 fertilized eggs is pretty good considering I am 39 years old.

Today, on Friday, the lab called and we now have eight leaders with eight cells each, with good to average quality. Two did not divide yet, but the lab said it could be a matter of hours before the cells divided. We are honestly thrilled with 8 at this stage.

More updates to follow!

Trigger Time.. Already!

2010-10-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Ahhh doctor was happy this morning but not as happy as I was to find out I have only one more injection to do for this journey.

The blood draws are getting painful, and when doing my meds at home, I manage to hit a blood vein every third injection, which causes bruising, and about every second time it somehow feels like a bit of acid being injected into my body. Truly starting to detest bleeding on a daily basis.

If I'm gonna keep up my whining, I'm going to talk about how tender my stomach is. It's a little beyond tender, and downright hurts when I sit down or bend over. I can feel pressure just standing or laying. I get two more days of growth before retrieval. Cheer up, buttercup... there were ladies in the waiting room today who were striving to get nine eggs, much less over 20. And they were younger. And didn't have two gorgeous kids already.

Okay. 'Nuff of that crap. I'm pumped full of hormones, I'm bursting at the seams, I'm ready to lay down a trail of eggs between here and China. Suddenly I have a bacon craving. And pancakes. Ugh.

Sept 29 - Ovaries Clear

Sept 29 - Lining 3.6

Sept 29 - E2 - 37

Oct 4 - AFC - 16 Rt Ovary

Oct 4 - AFC - 15 Lft Ovary

Oct 4 - Lining - 3.6mm

Oct 4 - E2 - 1045

Oct 6 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10 8.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 12, 12.5, 12.5 total 18

Oct 6 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 9.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11, 11.5, 13, 13.5 total 16

Oct 6 - Lining - 9.1mm

Oct 6 - E2 - 2822

Oct 8 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10, 10, 11, 11, 11, 13, 13, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 14.5, 15, 16 total 17

Oct 8 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 12, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 14, 14, 14.5, 14.5, 18 total 16

Oct 8 - Lining - 11.4mm

Oct 8 - E2 - 7685

Oct 10, 2010 - Rt Ovary - 5<12, 14.5, 14.5, 15, 16.5, 17, 18, 18.5, 19, 20, 20.5 total 15+
Oct 10, 2010 - Lft Ovary - 5<12, 13, 14, 15, 15.5.15.5, 16.5, 17, 17, 19, 20 total 15+
Oct 10, 2010 - Lining 14 mm
Oct 10, 2010 - E2 - 15,484

This doesn't mean we are getting 30 eggs. It doesn't mean anything other than things are looking great. We stimmed for only ten days and got a fabulous response. It means my lining is great, and all the timing is perfect for David's arrival.

All in all it's great news. Now I wait. I've begun to think about when I can test... I'll have my transfer on Sunday and be 5DPO already... Typically I can get a positive bfp at 8DPO or 9DPO. That means waiting until Wednesday or Thursday to test. Of course.... I'll be testing out my trigger so I know it's not a false positive. And I'm rambling. Later guys... gotta rest for a while and then off to pick up David from the airport.

iPhones & Ultrasounds

2010-10-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I'm a research freak. Most of my long time TTC friends know that. I am also getting way too used to things being poked into my body and being examined by strangers.

So when you combine the need for research with my casual attitude towards being a human test tube, you get me, laying on my back in a dimly lit exam room, naked from the waist down ('cept my socks - less personal that way), with a doctor between my knees, poking a wand around my girly parts while I casually type away information he's giving to the nurse.

I think he heard the clicking. The doctor, I mean. Because he looked up and over at me and asked if I were recording the follicle sizes. I said yes, and he laughed. He then told the nurse to photocopy my information and give it to me. Hah! I love it.

I also took the time to beg for drugs during my appointment. My last egg retrieval had me moaning and groaning on the table, with a sympathetic nurse holding my hand. My doctor promised to make sure I had more than my fair share of drugs this time around, based on the amount of follicles that were developing.

So for my IFV friends who know what the hell I am talking about.. here are my numbers so far:

Sept 29 - Ovaries Clear

Sept 29 - Lining 3.6

Sept 29 - E2 - 37

Oct 4 - AFC - 16 Rt Ovary

Oct 4 - AFC - 15 Lft Ovary

Oct 4 - Lining - 3.6mm

Oct 4 - E2 - 1045

Oct 6 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10 8.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 12, 12.5, 12.5 total 18

Oct 6 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 9.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11, 11.5, 13, 13.5 total 16

Oct 6 - Lining - 9.1mm

Oct 6 - E2 - 2822

Oct 8 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10, 10, 11, 11, 11, 13, 13, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 14.5, 15, 16 total 17

Oct 8 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 12, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 14, 14, 14.5, 14.5, 18 total 16

Oct 8 - Lining - 11.4mm

Oct 8 - E2 - 7685

Bored Rant.

2010-10-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Not because I am especially angry or anything, but because I'm especially bored. My girlfriend and I are having a rare 'alone' evening. Since I got here we've been drinking and eating and laughing and tonight we are just tired. She's on her laptop across the room, I'm on mine here, and Criminal Minds is playing in the background on TV. Ah. I love visits like this.

Okay. Rant. Today I was in the MetroTown Mall. Since I am bored and wandering, I tend to look around a lot and watch people. I could not help but notice an elderly Chinese woman with a cane coming towards me. She was on the arm of a young man whom I suppose was her son. She was drawn up and hunched, her hair hanging over her face, but as she passed, she looked sideways at me. She had a meaty purple bruise covering her eye. I stopped dead in my tracks and watched them pass. Then I noticed, that in spite of her hunched back and cane, she was being practically dragged through the corridor. She was walking much more quickly than seemed possible for someone so old and having to use a cane. I watched them fade into the faceless crowd, but my heart was aching for her. I thought of my own mom, who is still able to get around quite well, and how she would never be able to walk that quickly... and wondered what or who had struck the woman's face, and how tender it must be. I felt so helpless.

I'm so not obsessing about this cycle that I really haven't even thought ahead to what I'll feel if I get pregnant. Or, if I don't. It's hard for me to wrap my head around it not implanting. We've had that so many times already, that *getting* pregnant seems a given. It's the keeping it that is going to be an issue. It's waiting until we get that first ultrasound. I sometimes wish that nobody knew about this except me, so I could go secretly and get my test and my ultrasound and if it's all a heartache and sadness I can lick my wounds quietly and go on with life. It's seeing my hero, my husband, broken with the amazement of yet another miscarriage that is hardest for me. I think I could do this for years if not for that part.

I somehow know that it's just a numbers game. I've carried children. I have tons of eggs and David's sperm is just fine. We get fertilized eggs, I have perfect lining, our tests were all perfect. I suspect it's because we are older that we just haven't gotten the right egg yet. I also suspect it's because of all the stress that has been in my life these past couple of years. Face it. I'm older, and my eggs are more fragile. It's just numbers. It will happen if we try long enough.

Tick Tock

2010-10-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Nothing really new to report today. I got out of the house early for the ultrasound and blood work this morning, managed to get on the road before the break of dawn and was super early for my appointment. Yay. At least I wasn't stressed.

Everything went well... I have really difficult veins and so far the nurses have hit them every time this round. Except for today, the vial was only half full and the blood just stopped. Ugh. It was dripping slowly and the nurse was wriggling the needle in and out trying to get some action. I hate it when that happens.

The follies are doing great - the doctor never bothered to count all of them this time but noted at least a dozen on each side of notable size. One follicle was already at 18mm and he figured that one would over mature and the egg would not be suitable. All in all, he was totally happy with things and took my medication down to: Bravelle 225 mg and Menopur 75 mg and Lupron 5 units for tonight and the same for tomorrow except the Bravelle will lower to 175 mg tomorrow night.

Egg retrieval is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday or Wednesday, not Monday, in order to let as many eggs mature as possible. I'm 100% okay with that! David flies in Sunday evening so we'll have most of the week to visit.

I am noticing I am more tired than before, and the hormones are beginning to have some effect on my hormones. Only par for the course.. and it's not going to get any better! Thankfully the shop is running beautifully and I am not at all worried about what's going on there. It makes a world of difference to my state of mind (and body!).

First Ultrasound

2010-10-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Went fabulous!

My E2 (estrogen) was 2682 - doctor was happy with that number, and it took forever to count all the growing follies on each ovary.

So far, we have 13 follicles on each ovary measuring between 10 and 12 mm, and at least 4 more that are smaller than 10mm. At least 30 growing follicles!!

That's pretty awesome! I feel confident this time... and I also feel the swelling ovaries and pressure on my abdomen... It's going to get more each day from here on in. It's Wednesday and they anticipate egg retrieval to be on Monday or Tuesday.

I will have to get up earlier to get to my appointment on time. I awoke at 6.. meaning to get out of the house by 6:30, but didn't leave until nearly 7. I met bumper to bumper traffic only blocks away from the house. It was a bit stressful as I'm using my phone as a GPS, and had never taken that particular route before, but I managed to somehow pull into the parking lot of the clinic at 7:28 am, only a moment or two late by the time I got up to the 5th floor.

My medication was lowered to 225mg of Bravelle (3 vials) and still one vial (75 mg) of Menopur and the five units of Lupron. There is a teeny bit of concern that I might be stimming too quickly, but it's just something we are watching and not really blowing the warning whistle. David arrives around 6 on Sunday, so hopefully we get to do the retrieval on Monday. If I can't be enjoying a turkey dinner with my family I'd like to be at least busy in the operating room producing a possible brood. How cool if the embies were fertilized on Thanksgiving!

A Few Details

2010-10-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have the entire day in front of me. An ENTIRE day of nothingness. I've taken just a few days off in the past six weeks and they were busy, filled with housework and errands, and one very exhausting but fun 18 holes of golf. Having a few days to myself is unusual and exciting.

While at the FSJ airport yesterday, I amused myself by watching a young (or at least new) mother trying to manage a pair of twin girls. They were about three or four months old. She had a woman with her, whom I suspect was a nanny. The mother and the nanny spent no less than ten full minutes getting the girls into baby chest carrier thingys (they were just starting to produce those when my boys were born). The two women fought with straps and chubby legs and jackets, finally getting the girls settled in to the mother's satisfaction. At one point she asked the nanny if she had a hair clip because the nanny's hair got in the baby's face when the nanny turned her head.... to say she was particular is an understatement!

Then we got our boarding call. The women jumped up and quickly went into the airplane. It was less than a 100 foot walk. Upon the rest of us boarding the aircraft, we all had to wait another full five minutes in the isle while the women wrestled the babies OUT of the chest carrier thingys. I was honestly annoyed at the ridiculous stress the mother put on the four of them. Why not just throw the kids on their hip and quickly walk? Do we REALLY have to use accessories just because we have them? Don't you think that some things that we now have actually make life more expensive and difficult, but look trendy?

Essential or no? Perhaps for a long walk, but aren't they hard on the parent's backs...? Also... I'm adult size and can't imagine straddling 6" of material between my legs - it looks uncomfortable!

*Afternoon Post*

Today I went shopping. I shopped and then put things back, unable to justify the purchase if it were truly impulsive. After four solid hours I ended up with some makeup that I needed to replace, a halloween decoration and a couple small Christmas gifts for my eldest son.

I also went to a movie today. No big deal, right? Not really, to be honest, but I went alone and that's a first for me! I went and saw a horror flick, "Devil". I didn't like that there were only three other people in the theatre, and it was a pretty scary film.... perhaps a poor choice considering I usually end up getting so freaked out I have to cover my eyes when watching trying to watch scary films.

Most of the movie takes place in an elevator.. it was a good, but they could have had more fun with the concept - tons of opportunity for more scary scenes. Then again, I had my eyes closed for most of them so what do I know?

All in all, so far things are going well. Tomorrow at 7:30 am is my first ultrasound to see how my follies are doing.... I'm about 30 minutes away, a small price for the enjoyable stay and money that I'm saving.. but a teeny bit stressful as I'm not sure about the morning commute from Delta and how bad the traffic will be.

Wish me luck!

It's all different this time...

2010-10-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

For one thing.. I am not driving in a deafening downpour of rain, through dark unfamiliar streets to a lonely hotel in a strange city. Instead my flight landed in sunshine, my drive was casual (I know the city so much better now), and my destination was the epitome of a welcome homecoming.

My old roommate from my Prince George days lives in Delta, BC. We spent nearly a year living in a tiny two bedroom apartment in a questionable neighbourhood where we got on our feet emotionally and financially, while laughing, eating and having endless girl nights. We drifted apart when she became engaged and moved to the lower mainland, and I moved even further north after a horrid five year fiasco of a relationship. Thankfully, we reconnected when I was here for my first IVF in January, and this round I didn't hesitate to call her up and ask if she had an extra pillow for me.

Simar is not only beautiful and intelligent, she is an amazing host. She lives with her gorgeous teenage daughter, and Simar's mom, who speaks little english but is full of tenderness and kindness is often around the house as well. So I arrived to a houseful of smiling, laughing women who were delighted to see me and feed me an amazing Indian supper. I have a huge deep bed in a serene room, and a lovely home to myself during the day. SO so so much better than when I was here before, checking into a cold hotel room!

And.. of course... I'm not running back and forth on the ferry to the Island to take care of my sister. I can't say I wish I were. If I had to choose between her suffering and me getting the pleasure of seeing her, I will endure my pain so she doesn't have to endure hers.

I'm watching my favourite TV shows (they are Simar's favourites as well), with a huge cup of herbal tea, in my big fluffy robe, warm from a long, hot bath. Ohhh I may never go home!

As for the IVF stuff, well, I had another blood draw this morning and my meds are the same for now. 300 mg of Bravelle (four vials) and 75 mg of Menopur, along with 5 units of Lupron. My meds are double what I was doing last time. I am anticipating a great number of eggs this time, and have begun to think of myself as a turtle. As ovulation approaches, I am making a concentrated effort to avoid any sandy beaches.

Big Long Sigh - Here we go!

2010-10-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and I am happily sitting at home typing on my pretty new little mac notebook that David bought me today. Nice timing, hon! Now I can keep up on my forums and blog while on my next baby-making trip to Vancouver.

Speaking of which, I leave tomorrow afternoon! I am pretty excited about it, and very hopeful, which part of me finds oddly silly as we've had nothing but three years of heartache... but the other part of me keep thinking that *obviously* it's our turn and I can't wait to get the next positive test.

The nurse assigned to me, Vanessa, is wonderful. She's on the phone with me at every step and I feel very taken care of. I've been lucky to do my first week of monitoring and meds from here, avoiding an extra week away from work and all the extra money to travel. Plus I am much more preoccupied with work and family so I'm not obsessing with everything.

My first scan was amazing.. I have 30 to 31 antral follicles, which is great! These are the little follicles on the ovaries that are prepared to release eggs. Antral follicle counts, or AFCs are a great indicator of the ovarian reserve (how many eggs are there), and this number, at my age, is really cause for celebration! It means we have a high chance of lots of eggs and decent quality ones.

Total number of antral follicles	Expected response to injectable stimulating drugs and chances for IVF success
Less than 4	Extremely low count, very poor (or no) response to stimulation. Cycle cancellation is likely. Should consider not attempting IVF at all.
4-6	Low count, we are concerned about a possible/probable poor response to the stimulation drugs. Likely to need high doses of FSH product to stimulate ovaries adequately. Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation. Lower than average pregnancy rates for those cases that make it to egg retrieval.
7-10	Reduced count. Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation. Moderately reduced chances for pregnancy success as a group.
11-15	Normal (but intermediate) count, the response to drug stimulation is sometimes low, but usually adequate. Slight increased risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Pregnancy rates as a group slightly reduced compared to the "best" group.
16-30	Normal (good) antral count, should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation. Likely to respond well to low doses of FSH product. Very low risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Some risk for ovarian overstimulation. Best pregnancy rates overall as a group.
Over 30	High count, watch for polycystic ovary type of ovarian response. Likely to have a high response to low doses of FSH product. Higher risk for overstimulation and ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Very good pregnancy rate overall as a group, but some cases in the group have egg quality issues and somewhat lower chances for pregnancy.

Tomorrow I go for another blood test in the morning and then the flight in the afternoon. I'm already missing my husband, kids, my mom and the girls at the shop, but I am looking forward to a visit with my long time girlfriend Simar, and exploring the gorgeous city again!

I'm Back

2010-09-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

Or at least I will be. Updating soon. Things are on the move again. Climbing yet a little higher but with all these scars I'd hardly feel another fall down the rocky slope - I'm giddy with fear-filled abandon.

Got dates. Got times. Got a knot in my stomach.

Oh, and hosting a baby shower this afternoon. Full of new babies and even a pregnant belly on the guest list. Proud of me? I'm trying so hard...!

A Number of Things

2010-08-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Where to start. Sometimes throughout my day I'll have some profound thought or feeling and want to blog about it. I want to share it with someone who understands the language I'm speaking. Sometimes, I feel like I am in a land full of deaf people who cannot understand what we have gone through, only those who are enduring loss or infertility can hear me. Everyone else just goes dumbly about their lives, ignorant to the fact that I sometimes feel as though my soul is bleeding.

The other night, while getting my ridiculously hot bath ready (I do that in rebellion of being not-pregnant), I did have an interesting thought. I have had some pretty positive experiences as a result of this rocky road. I'll list them.

working normal, eight hour days (most of the time)
taking better care of my house (being home to do that helps)
being productive, such as building decks and helping my mom more (this was accomplished as a result of keeping myself busy in order to not end up in a counsellor's waiting room)
focusing more on my health, drinking more water, eating healthier, taking my vitamins
listening more intently to David, talking more intently to David
appreciating my grown children more than ever
seeing pregnancy as the miracle it is
loving babies and children more than I ever thought possible
researching my reproductive system on a medical level (I think every woman should know this stuff)
understanding grief and learning healthy ways to work through it
recognizing depression and avoiding it through communication, distraction, friends and family
having a greater appreciation for the love of my husband, seeing him in a different light
learning about my relationship and how to nurture it through the sadness
not taking life for granted, not assuming things will, or should work out the way we 'want'
being overwhelmed with gratitude that at least I did have children, and will most likely enjoy the miracle of grandchildren
I now speak 'infertility' and can hear and talk to the other bleeding souls out there who understand
this blog.

It's not all peaches and cream.

There are some real differences in my life that also must be noted...

I cannot truly make the connection between being pregnant and having a baby
I have spent at least 21 weeks being pregnant or at least being told that I was
I get angry when people complain about being pregnant or having children
I sometimes get scared that my sons, or their girlfriends will be scared when it comes time to have their own children
I thought I would love getting close to and turning 40. Now it feels like a death sentence - for my unborn children
I am fearful that I am creating a deep sadness in my husband's soul... a pain-filled chasm deep I will never be able to fill, no matter how many jokes I tell, how many cookies I bake, or how many trips we travel
there's more, but I'm not the type to dwell on the crappy stuff - for long.

I'm going to give it about 28 days and then I will take the drug (can't think of it right now) that will make me get my period. Then, when that happens, I'll start birth control for a month, then schedule my three day scan and then at some point I start lupron shots.

At the end of that cycle, I start my second IVF cycle. Just typing that made a familiar little sparkly ball of hope jump around in my stomach. What if this works? What if I have a baby of my own next year? I start to imagine the doctor handing that little baby to my husband, and his reaction, and my sense of relief that I finally did something for someone, for this amazing man, for someone I love more than myself. Don't think this isn't about me when you read that. This baby is wanted by me more than... well, you can imagine - you speak 'infertility' too, right? But when it comes right down to it, I've had children. I've walked that path and he hasn't.... and I want to give it to him.

A Decision Has Been Made.

2010-08-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

First off I must say a huge, heartfelt thank you to the women who read and write on my blog. Also for the amazing emails of support and encouragement I get. They are the difference between me carrying on versus becoming a huge bloody bowl of emotional jell-o. Feedback is like warm fuzzy hugs from a best friend.... hot soup after coming in from a long day in the snow.... you get the picture. Thank You!

Knowing that there are people out there who actually understand, who actually care about what happens to us is quite overwhelming. To date, only a handful of family have acknowledged this staggering loss we've experienced, and it truly adds insult to injury.

Is it because they are used to it? Do they think I'm too old and that it's hopeless, so why encourage me? Do they think I deserve it? Do they think we are used to it? Maybe it's just too uncomfortable for them. I just can't quite see myself not offering some sort of support to someone I was close to, or even simply knew as a casual friend.

I don't expect sympathy flowers or cards - I'm not that into my own grief.. but when my little brother came to me and said "I'm really sorry things didn't work out, I hope you guys are okay", my heart just melted and I felt that my loss was somehow honored just a little bit. That little spark of life, that David and I talked about and dreamt about and already started to love was somehow more... justified by someone else recognizing the pain we experienced from losing that spark, that dream, that hope.

Okay. Whining aside. First off, let me catch you up on how I'm doing.

I'm doing fine. That reminds me of a joke we used to say amongst my twenty-something friends. If you were 'fine', it meant: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Saying you were fine was code for "I'm having an emotional break down, call the loony bin and make sure my bed is reserved".

Of course, I am not twenty-something anymore and I am honestly talking about being fine. Hmmmm lets explore the word.

fine adj. fin·er, fin·est

1. Of superior quality, skill, or appearance: a fine day; a fine writer.

2. Very small in size, weight, or thickness: fine type; fine paper.

3.   a. Free from impurities.

      b. Metallurgy Containing pure metal in a specified proportion or amount: gold 21 carats fine.

4. Very sharp; keen: a blade with a fine edge.

5. Thin; slender: fine hairs.

6. Exhibiting careful and delicate artistry: fine china.

7. Consisting of very small particles; not coarse: fine dust.

8. a. Subtle or precise: a fine difference.

       b. Able to make or detect effects of great subtlety or precision; sensitive: has a fine eye for color.

9. Trained to the highest degree of physical efficiency: a fine racehorse.

10. Characterized by refinement or elegance.

11. Satisfactory; acceptable: Handing in your paper on Monday is fine.

12. Being in a state of satisfactory health; quite well: I'm fine. And you?

13. Used as an intensive: a fine mess.

Yes, I would think that fine is the right word to describe how I am, with more than one definition being appropriate. While looking up the word... I came across these.. which get the idea of the word across in a much more dramatic fashion.

i wonder who pays the $200...

yeah. i can see that you are. (hugs)

Zara Phillips declared herself "fine" despite suffering a fall at the Bramham International Horse Trials which today forced her to withdraw from the rest of the competition.

(and they say to get right back on the horse after a fall. i feel her pain - should i also withdraw?)

these are fine, too.

Well. you get my point. I'm fine. Whatever that means!

I actually spent the weekend doing very productive things. Cleaning, cooking - oh gawd I do love to cook, helping my wonderful mom out with some cleaning and shopping, and writing this lovely blog page of course. I'm about to go scrub my bathroom and dust the living room and vacuum, which will make me feel especially productive and useful. Right after I put the second batch of homemade buns in the oven. HA! "BUNS IN THE OVEN. "

In the words of my favorite alien, Alf, "Ha! I KILL ME!"

Wow. I am seriously avoiding. Okay, dammit. We've made a decision. Actually, David did. I left the timing of the next IVF to him, just laid out my thoughts for him to ponder and ponder he did. He wants us to get right back in the race. Jump back in the saddle. Keep paddling for shore. You know. Do it again, right away. I agree. Although I now equate trying to conceive more with heartache and pain and sadness than actually getting a baby, I am still hopeful and excited and have a possibly retarded thread of golden hope that I lovingly toy with from time to time.

Looks like the end of September we'll be going for our second IVF. Yay. Anyone wanna come keep me company in Vancouver for three weeks?

Torn Between Two Men

2010-07-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

So after things settled down and the tears were spilled and wiped up, David and I talked. I was surprised and relieved that he wanted to try again without any pushing on my part. However, he wants to wait until January, to give ourselves a chance to lead a normal life for a few months, for my body to cleanse itself of all the hormones and to give me a break from the rigors of ivf-life.

some days i just want to forget everything that's happened.

I spoke to my doctor today. He said there was no known reason for what was happening to us, but that our miscarriages were not 'clinical miscarriages', and didn't seem to think they would put us at a higher risk for losing more pregnancies. Bad fucking luck all the way around. And I am generally known as a woman who has horseshoes up her butt. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's the horseshoes up my butt that's causing the baby to not grab on... too uncomfortable.

Anyhow.

The RE wants us to try again - no promises, but he thinks we still have a great chance. However, he said that our chances might lower (would lower) by up to 10% if we waited until January. Doctor H wants us to try again in late September, because at my age, he said, every month counts and we should try earlier than later.

If everything were equal, I'd rather wait until January. David feels the doctor is simply putting us into categories and piling statistics onto us to rush us, but David knows that he can't totally say that Doctor H is wrong. Do we take that chance? David feels that the break will do us good ... that it will improve our chances for conception and a healthy pregnancy.

As far as my feelings... well... I will have to go through everything no matter what month it is. It won't matter to me emotionally, I don't think. I've done pretty well so far. Pretty well. I am kind of confused and anxious about what to do. There have been so many big decisions, so much of our life dedicated to this journey, some hours I just want to let it all go. Just go back to being newly married and deliriously happy and renovating our home and working to lose the extra weight and not have this miscarriage trying to get pregnant persona attached to everything that I am.

On the other hand, I've got my entire life ahead of me to do that. I only have a couple of years available to make a baby. A couple of years that might be just as painful as the last couple of years, but the payoff, if there is one... will make every moment worth it.

So which way do I go... do I put my trust in my husband's instincts or my doctor's educated guess? I want to do whatever will bring me a baby.... that's all.

Cleaning

2010-07-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

A hand on my stomach when I woke
Like so many mornings before
My own, there... by habit
Feeling for a change, a rise,
Sending messages
Quickly gone, shamed to admit
Maybe I'd forgotten
The scarlet truth.
Hot bleach water
Burning that hand
Rags swirling across dirt
Scrubbing away stains
And memories
Over and over
And over.
On my knees, reddened,
Some ignored tears,
A sob from someone
In the room,
I'm surprised that
I'm alone.
Jerking myself back
To the task at hand
Erasing everything I can
From the mess I made
Yesterday.
It's not so much this time
About what we lost
More so about
What we may
Never have at all.

Just Me In My Skin.

2010-07-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

When I went for my ultrasound on Friday, I had high hopes. I really did think there was a chance for all this to happen, and after getting positioned and giving the ultrasound tech a few moments, I asked her point blank, "is there anything there? Should I even hope?"

She said she didn't see anything yet, and decided to do a transvaginal u/s. I pretty much knew at that point what the news was going to be. My thoughts jumped to my husband sitting outside the room, and how excited and hopeful he was to be called in to see the heartbeat of his first child. I lay there, quietly staring off into space, my thoughts with David and how he would take this, while the tech tried in vain to see something, anything she could contribute to an embryo. It felt like the world was dropping out from beneath me and I was nothing. Not even tears could express my sadness.

The tech apologized to me, and showed me the screen where I numbly confirmed that she was right, there was not even a speck of anything in the black, silent sac. Nothing at all. Like me.

Leaving the room and facing David was one of the most difficult experiences I've had to go through during all of this. He had a bewildered look on his face when I appeared instead of the tech, and asked what had happened. I couldn't talk until we left the hospital. We sat in the parking lot of the hospital for over an hour, not sure where to go, not wanting to be anywhere, just grieving and consoling each other. We called our parents and consoled them through their own loss, then cried again after hanging up, trying to be strong for them, so they wouldn't hurt for us anymore than they already did.

We asked each other what we needed, and surprisingly, he wanted to go to the driving range with my oldest son, who is 22. I encouraged him to go, to do what he needed to get through the initial sting. Me, I went to the grocery store and bought two huge t-bone steaks, a pound of crab legs, baked potatoes and everything needed for gingered vegetables. I updated my facebook - hating it but needing the support of my friends and family who were all anxiously awaiting good news. I called my clinic and spoke to my doctor - you can do that when you pay stupid amounts of money for private medical care - and he confirmed to stop my meds and he would call on Monday.

I went home and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Two shots of high quality vodka in an extra spicy caesar (for my American friends that's a clam/tomato juice, vodka, salt, spice and Tabasco sauce) seemed appropriate. Then I began cooking. Ninety minutes and another drink later, David walked in to find an entire steak and seafood dinner just hitting the dining room table. A good friend from out of town (one of my best friends from my hometown, actually) showed up soon after and we sat on the deck in the warmth of a lovely sunset, just talking about anything but babies and pregnancy.

I had a few tears when I went to bed. I curled up in my husband's arms and wept, feeling empty and stupid and useless... and he held me and listened and we fell asleep wrapped around each other. There was a hole in our world that was just too big to comprehend....

I had nightmares, and woke at 4 a.m., and lay in bed, miserable and unwilling to start my day. David had gone to work and I called him three times just to hear his voice. "This is me," I said on the third call, "being clingy," and he laughed, which made me laugh.

He came home from work early.. and we talked. We talked about how much it hurt, but each hour made the pain more blunt and more manageable. I told him that we'd endured this before, and gotten through it. I said that if it never worked, we had our entire life to heal, but only a short time to keep trying... and if we were successful, if it worked, then all the pain we went through would be forgotten. It would be worth it. He agreed, and suggested we do another cycle in January. At first... I wanted to push for a sooner date, but I know this is his journey as well, and so I agreed without argument. I am kind of excited to have a few months to just try naturally, and to lift things and run and take really hot baths and not inject something into my body every day.

I'll be talking to the doctor on Monday, to try and figure out what might be causing this or if it's really just bad luck. I'll post that then... meanwhile.. did I mention that even though I am on horrid hormones and fertility drugs that I have managed to LOSE 10.5 lbs of the 26 that I gained? That feels freaking good. Oh, and tonight, after a long walk with my husband and the dog, and some running and laughing and relaxing, that I got my period? Or my miscarriage started, however you want to think about it. For this I am happy..... I want my body to cleanse itself of everything and just be me for a while. No pregnancy hormone, no maybe-baby, nothing but me inside my skin.

Over Again

2010-07-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

There's not much to say.... I was actually hoping for the best and even expecting good news, but it wasn't. The tech said there was nothing there, except a gestational sac measuring 5.5 weeks. I looked myself as well and there wasn't even a speck of anything. So, I stopped the meds and will wait for the miscarriage.

We've got to do some serious thinking and figure out what to do. As soon as we can think past the sadness. It was another blighted ovum, meaning all the hormones were still being released and that's why I had all the signs and symptoms (along with the hormones I am taking). Plus, I was such a downer last time this happened, so sure it was bad news, that I was really trying to have a happier outlook... I did have a happier outlook. But the ending was still the same.

The Last Night

2010-07-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

Ignorance is bliss. That means if you don't know what's going on, you're happier. Or, if you don't know there's a bug in your salad and think it was just a crunchy nut, it's most likely a good thing. Or... well.. you get the picture. Not knowing can be pretty freaking comfortable. Especially on this journey.

I have never been one to stick my head in the sand. In fact, I can say I am pretty disliked among a few family and peers for my unique and horrid habit of pulling everyone elses' head out of the sand as well. I don't mind bad news, or gross crap, or facing stupid issues head on.... and can't seem to wrap my head around those who do. I mean, is facing the truth going to make it less true? Is hearing the news going to change the news?

well? is it?

No, of course not, but prolonging it can be pretty comfortable when you just can't take on anymore truth or news for a while.

I've purposely not gotten any more betas. The only thing I've done is test a few times a week just to see the super dark line rise in super fast time. Oh my gawd, that feels good. Like confirmation that at least I'm not a freaky nutball for all the symptoms I have. At least I'll be justified for falling asleep on the deck last night, and a neighbor having to wake me up. Or throwing up a time or two at work (made it to the toilet!). Or peeing seven times a day.

It's senseless to get betas anyhow. Blighted ovums don't care about the little matter of a live embryo.. they just keep pumping hormones out into your body and growing a gestational sac like nobody's business. Betas are fuck-all helpful when you might just have an ugly old sac of gawd knows what in there - minus baby.

Okay. It's Thursday night. Honestly, I am excited about tomorrow. I know it may not be good, but chances are that it is. Tomorrow my post will be different. I will either be pretty sad and pissed or I'll be in shock and disbelief. I wonder what the next step will be. Will we decide to try another IVF? Will we give up and just start to spend insane amounts of money on home renos and travel? Will I get my tummy tuck and start working out to lose 30 lbs? Or will I be planning the nursery and loving every ache and twinge that my body will experience?

Last night for things being the way they are without any more information than what we have.

Tick Tock...

2010-07-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday evening. Time is crawling. I'm finding things to do throughout the day to occupy my mind and pass the minutes. It's kind of hard because I can't seem to concentrate for very long on anything. I know that my life is going to be different on Friday, after the ultrasound.

I'm not sure how I feel about this at this time. I went through dreading it and looking forward to it, and now I'm kind of ambivalent. Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it.

I had one moment where I really felt completely at ease. I am still taking hpts every few days or so (sometimes a week apart). Unless I have a blighted ovum again, which I would seriously be pissed if I got two in a row (does that even happen??), then the lines will keep getting darker and appear faster.

I am usually at work when I have the compulsion and the Wal Mart is just across the street from my shop. So yesterday I went and bought a two pack, hoping for a different pharmacy cashier, and since I had to pee so badly, I was forced to confirm my impending motherhood in the store bathroom. As I sat there, watching an impossibly dark line appear much faster than even the control line came into focus, I was hit by nausea, which was part of my morning for the past few hours.

I thought, just for a few moments, that I am totally completely pregnant and everything will be fine. What more proof could I want? I felt a sense of overwhelming peace and that hint of 'glowing motherhood' that I remember from happier, more successful pregnancies when my boys were under gestation. I envisioned the ultrasound, seeing the measuring of the fetal pole, the gestational sac, the crown to rump measurements and that wondrous flicker of a heartbeat.

It didn't last long... I do feel very different than before, when I had the blighted ovum and miscarriage in February. I went back and read my blogs from that time. By this point in the non-pregnancy pregnancy, I was having a hard time even saying I might be pregnant. I had told the u/s tech to expect nothing, or at least nothing with a heartbeat. I don't feel that way this time - I am, in all honesty, cautiously optimistic.

Oddly enough, I am more worried that if I am not pregnant, that I will feel like such a fool for all these symptoms. As I said before, I've spent more time trying to convince myself that these bouts of nausea, the exhaustion, the cravings, the sore breasts are not real, and simply made up in my mind through a deep subconscious desire to feel pregnant.

If you think I am over-thinking this, you are right. Of course I am. I know it, I'm aware of it, and a few times in the day, I seriously overindulge in it. Mostly when I write my blog or to one of the amazing women whom grace my inbox with their own stories or encouragement or words of sincere understanding.

It's Tuesday evening. Wednesday's next. A long day at work, perhaps go and play pool at the pub and enjoy dinner out with family. One day at a time, right?

life just got sweeter

2010-07-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Today I got a call from my mom. She needed me to drive her to the hospital. She was too emotional to drive herself. Sounds kind of scary... but... it was a good thing. A 3lb 10oz good thing who was 17.5 inches tall but filled the entire room with his presence. My nephew and his fiance welcomed their new son into the world, born at 10:48 this morning, seven weeks early, but seemingly healthy and eager to get on with life and all it's adventures. Baby doesn't have a name yet, but that didn't matter.... mom and dad were too much in shock to really think about it, since he came a heck of a lot earlier than he was scheduled for!

Everyone was very emotional and happy, and thankful that this little miracle was delivered easily and quickly and without fuss... well unless you consider delivering a baby at 33 weeks in a small hospital with no neonatal unit something that happens without fuss. The little guy was surrounded by doctors and nurses... but judging from their smiles and willingness to let family hover around, he's going to be just fine. He was transported to Prince George where they can do a more thorough check and monitor him for a few days.

It was really surreal for me in some ways. It made me remember my own children's births, and it made me realize that I very well may be going through those emotions, those feelings, in a few short months. I was overjoyed for the young couple... which... realizing now... is a pretty good reality check on my own emotional health.

I am slowly inching towards my ultrasound. I sometimes look forward to it, I sometimes dread it... mostly I just avoid thinking about it altogether and concentrate on anything else. That's difficult at times. I have moments and even hours of feeling like... well... pregnant. During those times, I feel a constant roll of nausea - not enough to actually wreck my day, but enough to make me consider the possibility. Often my breasts will ache and feel heavy and irritated. My emotions are mixed up and crawl under my skin, daring me to react towards my amazing staff, my unsuspecting customers, those closest to me. I withhold decisions and spiked reactions, even when I shouldn't. Sometimes I am hit by such a wall of exhaustion that I suffer hidden yawns and eyelids that are weighted down with iron. Real nausea hits out of the blue, leaving me gagging and sometimes throwing up into toilets. I really do need to clean my bathrooms more often.

When I am faced with these symptoms, I am desperately convincing myself that it's all psychosomatic. When I am not dealing with a teary, gagging, sleeping, anger-driven episode, I am desperately convincing myself that because I am feeling somewhat normal, that something is wrong.

Remember, I did just go through 8 weeks of being pregnant without actually being pregnant. Can you blame me? Really? Dare you to try this. In fact, I'd love to talk to you while you do. Nah. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's like I lost my pregnancy virginity or something. The innocence, you know... the innocence is lost, I've been forced to the floor and been made to stare my own worst fears dead in the face, and you can't ever forget that.

I would say though, on the whole, I am actually dealing quite well, despite the theatrical tone to my writing. I am keeping myself distracted through work (not hard there), and started small projects that are new to me. Like relaxing. Going home in the afternoons and reading on the deck, in the sun, alone. Like designing a baby quilt and actually following through on it. Like visiting friends and going to movies. It's working. Just a moment ago it was 18 days until the ultrasound. Now it's 8. That's freaky. In just another moment I will be naked under a worn, massive cotton gown, submitting all my hopes and fears to the mercy of a piece of technology that will be inserted up my wazoo.

Ah, the drama. I mean, if it's bad news, I'll have to face that dead on, with my war paint and black jokes that are getting old and a resolve to keep on trying. If it's good news, I'll have to come to terms that we really will be having a baby. One kind of like the perfect infant I witnessed this morning, only I am sure that mine will be roughly two and a half times bigger, be two weeks overdue and I will not look anything like the lovely creature who walked casually out of the labour room, sweetly asking "where's my baby?". I will be sweat drenched, hair matted, diaper wearing, makeup smeared, red faced and exhausted. Ah. But that's another story. One that I dearly hope to tell.

Numbers.

2010-07-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Every Thursday marks off another week. As if it takes me seven whole days to raise my foot to the level of the next tiny step on the ladder. I find my fingers seeking out facts and numbers on the keyboard as if somehow these statitics can prove that a baby is growing within me. David said it was strange. Strange because I am the 'feeling' person, the instinctive, touchy, sensitive, artsy person and he is the numbers, charts and stats person in the relationship. He said that he 'feels' that everything will turn out perfect, and I search for numbers to confirm it. This is, indeed, strange.... Except....

My experience with conception has gone from passionate nights of emotional and physical intimacy with the man of my dreams to simply viewing my reproductive system as a labratory test tube. It belongs to doctors who poke, prod, measure and calculate me constantly. My days are measured by what doctor needs to examine me, which pills I will be inserting into which part of my body, or what dose of stinging medication I will be plunging into my abused belly fat. My chances of motherhood do not lie in the dreams of a night of lovemaking, they are measured by dark burgundy blood that is drawn by sterilized needles in sterilized labs, by bruises and band-aids and phone calls.

Passion is gently stowed away for weeks, months at a time so that my uterus is undisturbed and whatever is growing in there has complete territorial rights. We fearfully respect those boundaries and settle for gentle kisses, cuddling and sinking deep into novels at night instead of each other.

It's not so strange, after all, that I measure my pregnancy with numbers, considering how much emotion I have had to remove from it.

I wonder what's happening deep inside me, in the most protected place possible. Proof of life is aching, throbbing breasts and the constant bubble of nausea sitting somewhere between my stomach and my lips. I allow myself brief moments of delicious imagination, when I have a moment to do so. I picture myself with a growing belly, David witnessing his child coming to life a moment at a time for months and months, right before his eyes. I imagine myself swollen with the weight and happiness of it all, finally able to browse possibilities of cribs, tiny boots, and life. I avoid thoughts of the other possibilities... except to think... surely... the odds are with me, the numbers are in my favor at last.

Crazy Woman Doctor Appointment

2010-07-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I got nervous. It happens. It's happened before. It'll happen again. Get it? I want everyone to get it. understand that I am, in my own mind, at least, a pretty level headed woman when it comes to this pregnancy thing. It has been nearly three years of no real happy endings. No squirming, breathing baby at the end of it, making me wonder what the hell I was thinking. Just me, 25 lbs more of me, and close to $20K less of our money to show for it. Yeah, I get nervous.

I get nervous when my betas are doubling at an embarrassingly low rate. I get nervous when I have ridiculous conversations with people that leave me stressed out. I get nervous when pregnancy signs come and go, and I get nervous when I think that this might be the one time that our dreams really might come true.

So when I had my last beta done at 9 o'clock in the morning on Wednesday, because I was nervous, I had anticipated that I might have the results within, I don't know... six hours? Considering the lab had faxed the results over to my doctor's office (not the clinic - that's 500 miles away) within 90 minutes (that's before 11 a.m., folks...) I thought I might have a chance to ease my stress.

Nah. I called four times only to be told that the nurses hadn't had a chance to enter the information into the system. They can't read it from a piece of paper from the fax, it has to be read from a screen, I guess. So the entire day goes by and I get no relief from my nerves. So then, as imaginations will do, my imagination took over and I was sure that my doctor wanted to wait until my Thursday (today) appointment to break the bad news to me. Yeah, that eased my fear.

This morning I was such a wreck, so sure that the doctor was going to have those deep, sorrowful eyes that means your entire world is going to be sucked away again, I was so worried... that I am sure my young doctor thinks I am a proverbial crazy pregnant lady, and is dreading an actual term of gestation with me as a patient.

David came with me. I was thankful for him being there, happy for the solidness of his presence. Happier that he got to witness some good news for a change. The beta was 300... more than doubled. Well, of course. How could I ever have doubted anything but?   *crazy laugh*

Here are my numbers with a 5dt FET

12dpo hcg 30 (none)

14dpo   hcg 66       42.20 hrs

17dpo   hcg 146   62.86 hrs

19dpo   hcg 300    46.20 hrs

17dpo

2010-07-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Monday's beta wasn't quite as good as I had hoped. 145.5, with a doubling time of just under 60 hours. Not great, but Dr. H seemed to be pleased and didn't order any more betas, just scheduled my ultrasound for July 23rd. Oddly enough, I am not nervous.

A fellow IVF pal and blogger wrote that she didn't know if her lack of nervousness was due to confidence about the pregnancy or acceptance of sadness that might come to be.

I thought it was a brilliant expression of honesty, and made me wonder about my own lack of concern about this pregnancy. Am I relaxed because even though my numbers are low and slow, I feel that this baby is just a slow starter and that betas are all over the place for each pregnancy?

Or have I progressed to the point of sad acceptance of anything that might be thrown at me?

Don't get me wrong - I'm still pretty pumped about this pregnancy. I feel pregnant, and I am exhausted with sore boobs and emotions leaking out of my face every time I turn around. Oh, and I took another hpt today .... the last time I took one was at 14dpo and I was troubled that it didn't show up right away, and that it wasn't darkening very much from the day before. Today's line came up before the control line, and was thick, much darker than the control, and a really nice boost to any doubts or fears I am carrying around with me.

The Details

2010-07-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't really said alot, or enough about the FET. It's nothing compared to a fresh IVF cycle, but it is still a long, drawn out event that is surprisingly anti-climatic when it actually happens.

First we went on a month of bcp, and then a month of nightly injections and a pill regime. I had to travel with Lupron. What's the big deal? Lupron has to be kept refrigerated. How the hell do you take a week long trip to Vegas and a week long adventure learning to sail with a tiny vial of meds that needs to be kept cold? I found a small insulated lunchbox, and for those two weeks, carried it around with me, finding various spots along the way to refill big freezer bags of ice to keep things the right temperature. It was a hassle, but worth it in the long run. The most surprising thing is how many airport security scans never noticed that I had a huge bag of ice/water and a dozen needles in my little black lunchbox. Totally got through Homeland Security... only the Canadian boarder agents caught the liquids and needles and did a thorough search and question session!

Then there was the whole Estridol thing. Estridol is estrogen. I have to take all these hormones because my body was not allowed to cycle naturally (ovulate). So the ovaries were suppressed while we artificially tricked the uterus into a nice thick lining, and then into thinking I was pregnant. Okay. Back to the Estridol. I've been on various meds, oral, injects and wazoo pills for nearly a year and a half. I get tired of checking charts and calendars and dull needles. And to boot, I was having a reaction to the Estridol. My face was itching like crazy - especially the eyebrows and jawline. I couldn't figure it out - did I contact eyebrow lice on the sailboat? I mean, I was really scratching at my face about an hour after every dose. My clinic was clueless - they'd never heard of a reaction and just suggested some Benedryl.

Turns out I was od'ing on the stuff. My pill container said '2mg twice a day'. Most of my pill containers say '2 pills twice a day'. Turns out each pill was 2 mg. When I realized what I was doing I felt so stupid! I never hurt anything according to the clinic, but I did cause myself a lot of discomfort and I did waste a lot of meds.

On to the actual transfer. I took my husband. Remember, we have to travel 500 miles south for anything to do with my clinic. One ultrasound I had at cd17 meant I got on a plane for just over an hour, then rented a car, drove 40 minutes to spend less than 30 minutes at the clinic from start to finish, then drove 40 minutes back to the airport, waited two hours and then flew home. Over $500 for a 5 minute visit with my doctor... and I'm pretty sure our ultrasound techs here could have measured the lining pretty accurately. But, I digress.

So David and I went together for the transfer. I set aside four days so I could be away from work and family and just relax and focus on gestation. The actual transfer was uneventful, and as I said before, anti-climatic. I arrived with a full bladder, got prepared (put on hospital gown), and got onto the table. I was surprised that David was allowed in the room with me - and so was he. We put in the three embies, while there was scottish music playing in the background (the embryologist is a wonderful, red headed scottish woman in her late 40's), and liked to play music for the embryos! The staff were warm and gentle, my nurse actually touched me in comfort and took a lot of time to talk to us on a personal level.

Then we were done.... spent the rest of the time relaxing and on my butt or back as much as possible. We had rented a Mustang convertable and cruising around the city with our music and sunshine was one of my favorite memories with David. I was really able to relax mentally, not just physically!

14DPO Beta

2010-07-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

65 with a doubling time of 40.34. :)

First Beta 12dpo

2010-06-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe my 'official' beta might not be over 200 after all, I *might* have been a little, teeny bit optimistic, but hey, better than the alternative, right? I'm hoping for anything decent now, like at least 60 or more?

I went to see my local doctor, a wonderful young doctor who is finally treating me like a person and not just another billing opportunity. He warmly congratulated me and said that I had all available resources at my fingertips, including betas and ultrasounds! Yay! The thing is, I'm not really freaked out this time.

We decided to do a beta today because my official beta is on Friday, and we wouldn't be able to do another one until Monday. I didn't want to spend the weekend wondering, and so by doing on today, we get a true 48 hour benchmark. My first beta is 30.

I looked up the information on http://www.betabase.info/, one of my favorite sites, and I am well within the normal, healthy range for such an early test result!

I'm pretty happy right now, and pretty confident that my second beta on Friday will make me every happier!

11DPO

2010-06-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

I somehow feel like I need permission to do this. To say I am pregnant. Again. Let me see. We started out with the miscarriage in July of 2008. Then we had a chemical pregnancy (very faint) in October 2089, February and March of 2009. We had several botched IUI's and a battery of tests and drugs in 2009 before finally giving up and turning to IVF in January. I got pregnant but miscarried early - but it was a blighted ovum so my body acted pregnant, which has got to be the world's greatest pregnant-woman's mind fuck ever.

So it's fair to say that I we've been here before. About five times, plus endless 'hopeful' months, filled with imaginary symptoms and desperate want. Every time feels different. When I had the first pregnancy, I was fine, the miscarriage came as fast and hard as a baseball bat to the side of the head in a pitch black room. It left me puking and bleeding and crawling around on my hands and knees looking for a door out of the nightmare.

The chemical pregnancies were fast and not painless, but nothing compared to the first. The blighted ovum was most likely the hardest (short lived!) pregnancy and easiest loss for me, although it was the most promising since the first pregnancy. All systems go. Everything pointed towards a fall baby. All tests were perfect. But I was a wreck, I was reeling with anxiety and fear that something was wrong. I tried to listen to the facts but the feelings were all wrong.

So how is this different. Well besides the fact that I have stupidly early positive pregnancy tests, that are rapidly getting stronger, I am calm. I'm accepting of whatever happens, and although I am happily feeding my compulsive testing habit like a crazed out junkie, I was honestly already making plans on my next IVF cycle in the fall when I was pleasantly surprised by... well.. this. I *feel* pregnant this time. I know it might not last. I know how quickly this sand castle can wash away into oblivion, with nothing but a memory and a few blog posts to remember it. But for now, I'm pretty sure I'll be having a baby next March!

My beta test is on July 2nd, and unlike before, when my test dates felt a million years away, I am surprised at how fast the time is passing and how quick the test time is coming.. Friday is just around the corner. I have a feeling it will be a HIGH beta - over 200 at least, and I'm betting more like 300.

Thanks again for all your warmth and energy. It's early, but it has to start somewhere.

9DPO

2010-06-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

Not Edited. Feel Very Ill. Boobs Hurt Like Hell. Weepy.

Will see if this gets darker. Freaking Early For A FET Result.

Keep My Feet On The Ground. Been Here Before. More Than Once.

Hopeful. Calm. That's Different... Hopefully Everything Is This Time.

7DPO

2010-06-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's strange being 7 days past ovulation when you never ovulated at all. LOL I guess on my support sites for ivf patients, I'm 2dp5dpt which means 2 days past 5 day (old embryos) transfer. Not sure if it's different when it's a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer), but anyhow, I am about two days from a possible bfp, and about six days from a true definitive answer.

The transfer went well. One embryo didn't survive, which I kind of expected, so we had two average embryos and one that had already hatched. Two of them had started to 'plump' nicely which is great news. It's said that frozen embryos seem to implant later than fresh ones. Takes them some time to rehydrate and get comfy before they grab on. So I'm kind of expecting a later than usual positive test if there is one to be had. Most likely around 10 dpo or 11dpo before I get a line, if there is one.

We have had a very relaxing and stress free trip to the city. I wanted the time away from work and stress so that I can give these little beings the best chance possible. I don't think there's anything else I could have done in this case. If we aren't successful... well... we've survived it so far, so I guess we'll deal with it.

Thanks for all the support..... I can use all the good wishes out there!

Surviving The Thaw

2010-06-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

(((Butterflies)))

Well we made the trip with no issues... Treated ourselves to a gorgeous black mustang convertible while we're in the city, and of course had whimsical thoughts about how we might not be able to so that next year...

So now we are rousing from bed, kinda quiet, kinda excited, kinda nervous.. And wondering how our snowbabies are doing... How many will survive the thaw, what quality will they be? And what news will we be posting in about four days?

Catching Up!

2010-06-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

Well! The FET is looming... several of my IVF buddies are happily sporting new positive pregnancy tests and I've taken a reasonable amount of time to get my head into some sort of reasonable state of mind. The spring was wrought with sadness and change, not much of it was good. With the passing of my sister, and the latest failed pregnancy, I had to do take some time to get my heart back on a healing path. I've also had a dramatic change in my close family dynamics (extended family) which has been really sad.

However...I must say that the past couple of weeks... well... almost a month... has shown a better light on life. It started when David took me to Grande Prairie for a day of shopping... I didn't realize how depressed I had been until I got away from everything and found myself in a large greenhouse. The man knows my heart. My sister, Lori, was a tremendous gardener, and although I love it, I am seriously under skilled and we only just bought our house late last summer, so there hasn't been much chance to do any kind of growing of anything around the yard.

With memories of my sister's love of flowers, and grasping onto anything I could remember her telling me, I started filling the cart(s) with lush, green things. Two days later, in a still-lingering fit of tears and depression, I drug my patient, loving husband out into the yard at 8:30 at night because I wanted to 'tidy up' the front of the house. As I sit here typing, there is a beautiful new deck, complete with tiers and built in lighting and a truckload of trees, shrubs and flowers that stretch the length of the front of the house.

We have thrown ourselves into the yard and lawn, sawing and digging and watering and agonizing for the past few weeks and it has not only improved our house by drastic degrees, it has pulled us together as a couple and gotten our hearts and hands busy around healthy, progressive outlets.

In late May, we took my mom to Vegas for five days. I've never been there; her and my late father went twice a year for many years, and with my sister's illness and our wedding last spring, she hasn't gotten to go for quite some time. I thought it would be a good exercise for her to get her mind off the sadness and a wonderful distraction. Mom just had her 73rd birthday and it seems she aged ten years since we lost Lori. It was great to see her allowing her mind to relax and enjoy her old pastimes. We took her to the Blue Man Group, which was fantastic (mom laughed uncontrollably!) and David and I went to The Lion King (which was great but almost too much, with scene after scene of exceptional lighting, singing and costume for nearly two hours).

And then on June 7th, David and I went down to Vancouver Island to do a five day learn-to-sail cruise around the Gulf Islands. We didn't get the winds we wanted (and needed for certification!) but we had a fabulous adventure and got our 'compitent crew' certification. At one point we had no less than two dozen dolphins racing along side the boat, for nearly 20 minutes. It was surreal to have wild animals acknowledging us and including us in their play.

Now that the trips, the deck, the flowers, and the hardest part of the grieving is over, I have to face the upcoming frozen embryo transfer. Frankly, I have never been more divided. Part of me is positive that it will work. I've seen so many fabulous women whose first ivf's failed or had miscarriages who are now pregnant that my hopes soar with the possibility that I might be one of them. On the other hand, after nearly two and a half years of trying, and worse, miscarriage, I know how easily those hopes can come crashing down.

Everything is on track. My 38 year old body is still functioning perfectly as far as the doctors are concerned. I fly to Vancouver on the 17th for an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, which I'm sure will be just fine. Then on the 22nd David and I both fly down for the transfer. We have chosen to transfer three embryos in the hope that at least one will stick. We have four left, but the rate of survival is about 80% so chances are they'll have to thaw all four to get two or three good ones.

Our transfer is on the 23rd, and yes, we are taking a few days in Vancouver to just laze around (mostly bedrest for me) and let the eggs 'latch on' if they are so inclined to do so!

Long sigh.

2010-05-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

The only thing worse than starting a bad novel is perhaps finishing a good one. I am about forty pages away from saying farewell to a host of well developed characters in a new novel, House Rules. It's about a single mom who is raising two boys, one of whom has been diagnosed with a form of autism.

I have few rituals or indulgences in my life. An ice cold beer, with clamato juice, a slice of fresh lemon over ice, about three evenings a week; changing into horrid pajama pants and David's tee-shirts after dinner; slipping into a deliciously hot bath each night; and reading. I read during my tub, I read half a page while having a quick pee, I read if David is watching something truly uninteresting (hockey) on TV, and I simply want to be near him. There isn't much else. Oh, well, and cooking. Cooking is my passion. I could literally spend all day in a kitchen, bursting with ideas for textures, mixing flavors like colors on a canvas. I get overwhelmed in an ordinary grocery store, much less an open air market or exotic spice isle.

Okay, where is this going... well.. during one of the nights where I indulge in a beer and clam, while in a sinfully hot tub, interacting with the characters in my latest novel, I often have a few moments to think. I try not to, really. I prefer to hit the ground spinning my wheels and my mind at 6:30 in the morning and crawl, bone tired and mind numb into bed at 10:00 at night, without thinking. Mind you, I have a full time staff of five people, hundreds of files going across my desk, and at least thirty phone calls to deal with, plus my input on the house renovations, being a great daughter to my elderly mother, putting the finishing touches on my still-at-home (thank god) twenty-year old son and being somewhat of a great wife and partner to my husband.... but I usually get through that without thinking too much.

Thirty months. I finally counted tonight. It was stupid to do it, I know, I know, but I did. Thirty months of this little ball of 'want' curled up in my stomach where I thought a child would be. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that people have started to ask me if I have considered a surrogate. It shouldn't sting, and I try to react with grace, when I tell them that there's nothing wrong with me. But it is surprising, even though, I guess it shouldn't be.

Of course we still have hope. We got the ball rolling on our next frozen embryo transfer... June 23rd. Seems like a season away. I don't know whether or not to feel hopeful. See what happens when I think? I start to wonder, and hope, and dread, and be nervous, and wonder if having a baby is more like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. You believe in them when you're innocent, but fall on your face into a pool of glass shards few times and you start to avoid the mere thought of such things being true. You start to work more, and have less quiet time. You keep the noise going in your mind even when it's quiet in the room, so you don't have to think about the squirming, crying, nursing babies you've watched come into the world, from a safe distance, of course. So you don't have to think about all the women around you who are happily carrying their husbands' babies. So you don't have to take time to separate the pure joy and wonder of seeing newly swelling bellies from the total sense of loss and pain in your own.

Do I also have to start avoiding my indulgances... simply because they free my mind from the intense pressure of work and allow me time to think?

Okay - that's over!

2010-04-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Yes it was a tough spring. Yes I wish a lot of things were different, but they aren't and, what is, is. I often say to those around me "The only thing that makes a bad situation worse is the attitude you have about it." I've done my best to follow my own advice, and managed to do so fairly well at least.

So now we're onto the next phase of life - the surreal part of living without my sister, and trying to not calculate how far along I should be with yet another lost pregnancy.

We've got a lot of cool stuff happening in our world. We are finally getting our huge ass renovations underway at our home that we purchased last fall. A new stone patio out front, completing the massive deck on the back (landscaping, mostly), and later on, two new bathrooms! Also, the shop is super duper busy and my kids are doing great... I'm going on a trip to Vegas with my mom and hubby at the end of May, and if I ever, ever start my period, we'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer five weeks later. That's exciting too!

Speaking of my period, I'm going on nearly 50 days. ARGH! C'mon already....

Sigh.

2010-04-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

This has been a rough spring. Some of you may have read about my sister who has had cancer for the past five years.. I've mentioned her a few times through my blog. I have three other sisters and three other brothers, but I was only close to her and my younger brother.

So it felt a massive loss when she passed away on April 10th.

I was close to her, so I knew she was dying. I accepted it a long time ago. You just don't beat cancer like she had it.. it was everywhere. I prayed for her death to be swift. She was in so.much.pain. And, she was far away from family with only one sister nearby to help in her care, and a very loving, but tired and in his late 50's husband.

Losing my sister was difficult enough. The drama and decisions made by those around me were extremely hard to accept in the ensuing week.

I know I am tough and outspoken. That trait is admired by a lot of people, but dreaded by others. I know I say what others are thinking at times and it gets me into trouble. But for every hard reality I've pointed out, there have been a hundred kind words, offers to help, or moments spent listening. It isn't worth it. I'm realizing slowly that I have to choose. Either I keep my mouth shut and have these people 'like' me, or I have an honest relationship with (aka no relationship).

Still... I paid dearly for my big mouth this past week. A much bigger price than I could ever imagine being due. Nobody's been outright rude, but I was sort of treated as a friend of the family, nothing more.

I struggle with anger, and I know to try and understand is useless. I can't change anyone, and why would I want to? But this wasn't about them. I think they all forgot that while they might not think of me as a close sister, she did.

This is me and my sister at my wedding last year. We planned the date around her 50th birthday because I felt it would be her last.

She died 11 months later, to the day.

There is one amazing gift my sister left me, a promise she asked me to keep... that I become a legal guardian of her two precious grandchildren, and to try my best to take her place in their lives. They are Neveah and James, and thier mom is my sister's youngest daughter, a single mother who faces all the challenges of raising two kids. My sister, Lori, was a big part in helping her raise the kids, and I am so honored by her wish. I can never replace her, but I will do my best to be a big part of the kids' lives and help any way I possibly can..

My great niece and nephew - gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous! I am holding my sister when I hold them.

All Over The Place

2010-04-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

I am in a holding pattern. Too little sleep and too much of a cold to be temping with any accuracy and really don't really want to get that involved in it anyhow. I have no idea if I've ovulated or if this will be some freakishly long cycle. I sure hope not... I'm actually looking forward to the FET and the possibility of another bfp. Hopefully one that sticks this time.

Today in the grocery store I ran into a beautiful young woman and her new baby. I actually took her and her hsuband's wedding photos (she was a gorgeous bride!), and over the past few years, she kept in touch. We learned that we had each been having some real heartbreaks with baby-making... and somehow connected through that, although we don't know each other well at all. She and her husband endured three miscarriages before the birth of their daughter. I've had a few tears with her through this journey.. we've seen each other when newly pregnant, or newly un-pregnant, or in her case, newly babied.

Her daughter is beautiful. Big, awake eyes and even a tiny, squirmy smile for me from her perch on top of the shopping cart. Like she had some pretty little secret that only she was wise enough to know. I can't explain it, but somehow, seeing this young mother, who had endured heartbreak so close to mine, made me feel that the world was still... okay. Yes, people have miscarriages, and sisters get cancer, and it feels like life is a really bad screenplay at times.... but really, underneath it all, the world is still okay.

I have a niece who is pregnant, who reads my blog. She wrote a very touching, heartfelt letter to me the other day which I have not responded to yet. She reached out to me, offered me both comfort and compassion, and in such a way that I've read her letter more than a couple times. It's moments like that, people like her, who make the hurt a lot less sharp. Just someone saying "I'm reading. I care. I see you hurting, and I wish I could make it better," makes it better. To my beautiful niece, many, many thanks.

A new great-nephew was brought into the world today. Another reminder that life is goes on, that life persists. The linage extends out, further and further into the world. A mom sits in a hospital room tonight, sore and tired with an empty belly but full arms. Nursing sounds are delicate musical notes to a new mother's ears, while new fathers watch in quite fascination. There is an entirely new lifetime of memories, feelings, emotions, love, anger, dreams, fears... an entire lifetime of... life... wrapped up in that new mother's arms tonight. That's a nice thought.

I don't know where this post is going. I just needed to write. I need to be reminded that life is blooming and budding and there, all around me.

Anything else happening... David and I are really eating better. Demanding jobs and little time combined with purely being lazy have lead us into a lifestyle and diet that really is lacking. It's been tough, but feels great. We're making small changes that are difficult but important. Portion control is important - we're eating about 1/2 of what we normally would. We dont feel really 'full' after eating, but we don't feel hungry, either, so we're dealing with it.

We've drastically reduced processed foods and are strict with no junk food, no soft drinks, no unhealthy snacking. If it doesn't come from the outside isles of the store, we pretty much don't buy it. If we don't get a lunch for work, it's subway, one of the healthy subs, on brown, with water. Did I ever mention that my store in the mall is literally next door to panago pizza? haha - funny until you hit the lunchtime hunger pains and those pizza smells drift through the walls....

So far we've kept to this since Monday and it feels fantastic. I've already lost a couple of pounds and feel better about myself. Just knowing I'm not doing more damage feels pretty damn good.

An all over the place post, but that's where I am right now!

Starting Over

2010-03-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

It hasn't just been the latest loss that has kept me away. There has been a lot going on in my life that has nothing to do with my uterus. Although I wish none of it were happening, it has given my tired brain and heart a break from all things pregnancy.

I keep typing out a sentence or two about what's going on but nothing seems right, so I'll just be simple about it. I have a sister who has been undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer for what seems like forever, and the doctors have said there is nothing more they can do for her. Our family has decided to send her to Mexico for alternative treatment. I have very mixed feelings about this, but ultimately want what is best for my sister.

I was at her house on Vancouver Island last week, helping out, when my miscarriage began. Actually it began about an hour before we left for the airport. I would have liked to have just been home, but perhaps being so busy and emotional about other matters was easier in the long run.

So. What is, is.

Emotionally I don't know what is going on. It's difficult to take time out to think about my own losses when something such a massive black cloud has moved over my entire family. I know I went through a short period where I hated seeing pregnancy tickers, pregnancy announcements and bulging bellies. They pretty much pissed me off. I went through a short time of feeling completly, totally empty. Then I really just wanted to start again right away, almost in a panic.

Now that things have lulled for a few days (while she prepares for Mexico, and is still managing to eat and drink and be fairly mobile), I have some stolen moments to think about myself, and David.

We agreed that we will wait one cycle and when I get my period, I start birth control pills and possibly a GnFH agonist, although I wasn't given an agonist the last time. After I get my second period, I will start some hormone injects, like shots of estrogen to build my uterine lining. I'm unclear as to whether we do shots to surpress ovulation... I guess not as we are not doing an egg retrieval. Anyhow, after two weeks, I travel to Vancouver, make sure my uterine lining is thick enough and do the transfer.

We have four frozen embies. The thaw survival rate is about 80% at my clinic. We will thaw until we get three viable embies and will transfer all three.

It looks like we'll be doing my next transfer sometime in June.

The support of all your notes and kindness has made this a lot easier. I really appreciate everything that is said, and the fact that people care is just overwhelming.. big hugs!

The Really Great News

2010-03-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

I have this amazing relationship with a man who not only listens, and holds me, and comforts me, but who talks to me about how he's feeling, who knows when he needs to be held, and who trusts me enough to comfort him as well. He lets me rant when I need it, without taking anything I say really seriously, and he supports me, whether I pull a 14 hour day at work (yesterday) or just want to curl up and watch television for six hours and eat. He knows enough to do the same for himself.

The first day was the worst. I was feeling a lot of guilt for how relieved I was. I know that sounds bad, but I knew a long time ago that something wasn't right. I begged doctors and clinics for early tests, but was treated like an annoyance. My tests were great! I was pregnant! No spotting, no cramping! Couldn't you just be fucking happy now that you're pregnant?! I see-sawed between feeling guilt at my paranoia and dread from knowing something wasn't right.

The medical community 'felt bad'. My new doctor was shocked and vowed to trust my instincts a lot more. he promised weekly ultrasounds for weeks six through nine the next time we get pregnant. The clinic took me back under their wing and were concerned and attentive. Friends and family were sheepish, disbelieving, and very, very sad. David was more surprised and saddened than anyone. He was so sure we were going to see a heartbeat.

So anyhow. It's over. It was over before it began. It was actually another chemical pregnancy, which is 50% across the board as we all know. Blighted ovum happens in about 20% of those miscarriages. The body, happily thinking it's pregnant, goes on to create the environment for baby. I am as pregnant as you can get without a baby on board. I have all the tiredness, emotional mood swings, backache, tender breasts, swelling tummy (helped by all the drugs) but... oh crap, we forgot the baby! ha. ha. ha.

I took pills last night, vaginally, to induce the miscarriage. Is it a miscarriage now? More of a cleansing. Giving my hard working, hopeful little urterus the bad news. There's a funeral going on below my beltline. At 4:20 a.m. I woke up to deep, mournful cramps. Got up, made myself a cup of hot, sweet tea, and began the business of truly letting this pregnancy go.

Thank you all so very much for the support and love. I truly think it helped us deal with things so quickly and honestly. We are not worried... we know we can get pregnant... we are just happy my body is so merciful and flushes out the 'bad eggs', saving us from tough decisions later down the road.

The "Great" News

2010-03-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

That's what everyone has been saying they expect me to deliver. But I don't have any... just a really sad heart and even sadder husband.

Blighted Ovum. yay.

Nice Canadian Couple Seeks Offspring...

Oh Wow. Time is so stinkin' precious!

Week Nine

Brogan's Birth

I'm a Horrible Blogger...But a GREAT Mom!

Home Stretch!

Week Thirty Six: Baby may drop into the birth canal

Rants and Raves

8 Months and Counting Down

Yoga and Renovations

Bad Blogger!!

Photo Update...

A real post

Heading into 6th Month - 23rd Week!!

Month 6: May feel baby hiccup

Week Twenty Three: Sense of balance develops

Week 22 What's Happening!!?

Week Twenty Two: Taste buds develop

Deliciously Boring

20 Weeks - Halfway There! What's happening?

Week Twenty: The halfway point

19 Weeks - What's Happening...?

Week Nineteen: Genitals recognizable

3D Ultrasound

A Different Kind of Blogging

Week Seventeen: Fat accumulates

I Can't Stop!

14 Weeks Pregnant

Week Fourteen: Hormones start up

The Basics

In my 12th Week

Week Twelve: Fingernails and toenails appear

10Weeks 4Days

Week Ten: Embryo is now a Fetus Nov 30 - Dec 6

Week Eleven: Neurons multiply - Dec 7 - Dec 14

9 Weeks Pregnant

8w5d

Settling In

Heartbeat!!

7 Weeks Pregnant

6 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant

Major Countdown

Bitch of A Nurse - Bouncing Back

27DPO Beta

6 weeks Pregnant

23DPO Beta...

Today

21DPO Beta

New Beta Results

19dpo

16dpo Beta Results

2nd Beta Today

It's Over.

Groundhog Day

3Weeks, 5 Days Pregnant

11dpo - 6dp5td The Saga Continues

10DPO - 5dp5dt - BFP!

9DPO - 4dp5dt

2dp5dt - 7DPO

Samosas and Babies

Day Four Morulas

Day Three Embryos

Trigger Time.. Already!

iPhones & Ultrasounds

Bored Rant.

Tick Tock

First Ultrasound

A Few Details

It's all different this time...

Big Long Sigh - Here we go!

I'm Back

A Number of Things

A Decision Has Been Made.

Torn Between Two Men

Cleaning

Just Me In My Skin.

Over Again

The Last Night

Tick Tock...

life just got sweeter