Test Results, The Clinic and Waiting to Go Home

Well... It feels kind of strange.  Surreal, like I'm not really here, just pretending to be.  But I am here...  In Vancouver, waiting in an internet cafe for time to slip by so I can head to the airport and wait for it to slip by some more.  My iPhone is almost dead so this computer is pulling double duty as I've plugged my wireless device into another wireless device with, yeah, you guessed it, a wire.  When will they get these things to charge wirelessly?

I was up all night tossing and turning, scared I'd miss the plane, that David didn't set the alarm correctly, or that it wouldn't work.  Of course it did, and so did mine. :)  Anyhow...  I was up at 4:20 this morning, waiting for 5 to roll around to get to the airport at 6 to take off at 7.  Ugh.  I'm so tired now! 

Flight was pretty routine, I am not keen on landing at the best of times and landing on an ice covered runway during a snowstorm doesn't ease my un-keen-ness at all.  However, I digress.  I arrived in Vancouver in time to walk out the front of the airport doors, slide into a waiting cab and got to my appointment with 5 minutes to spare.  The clinic had good energy, a little too clinicy for my taste... very ultra modern decor, but it was all nicely done and the staff were very nice.

I put down a $500 IVF deposit and we were off and running.  I was weighed (oh, God... gained 23 lbs since starting fertility treatments a year ago!! OMG)  and measured (same height as starting fertility treatments - oh well) and then told to strip from the waist down.  Now I've been in a lot of doctor's offices, striped from the waist down, but this was a really long, scary wait.  I know I wasn't left that long, but I was really truly anxious, and why do they put your butt facing the door so when the doc comes in he gets a nice dose of bum-line to start the introductions??

Doctor Havelock was very young.  I'd guess mid 30's.  Kind of has a Micheal J. Fox look and expressions.  I was really shocked at how upset I was at my previous treatment, and asked them to be patient with me, I had not realized how much stress and pressure I had been under, keeping track of all my meds, doses, appointments, etc.  He was great, and took care to show me the ultrasound and explain what he was doing as we went along.  

First he inserted the cathetor into my cervix, it didn't hurt at all, not like when Dr. Lang used the *evil* teneculum to clamp down on my poor cervix.  Dr. Havelock is my new best friend.  He got the thing in without any pain or even hesitation.  Okay, so anyhow, then he has the nurse hold a tube of saline, and he goes in with the vaginal ultrasound.  I have had so many vaginal ultrasounds that I barely noticed the vainal ultrasound.... hmmmm

Anyhow... so he looks at my ovaries and says they are excellent.  Good size, 10 anterior follicles on the left and 12 on the right.  Ten is considered good/average, so the doctor was very pleased.  Then the saline was slowly injected, some mild discomfort there... and the uterus was ultrasounded.  And it was great.  Doctor said the walls were nice and smooth, no abnormalities, and looked great. 

Now we just need the final blood tests performed so we can move onto getting the solid dates in place.  Those should be done on the 4th...  But the clinic said they'd give me my dates tomorrow so we can coordinate flights, hotels, etc. 

So I am sitting here... the cramps have really set in (doctor said they would) and I just downed three painkillers with a foul grapefruit/kiwi drink that won't see more than an inch missing from the bottle.  Hopefully the meds kick in soon.

Oh, and on a final note.. we did get extended medical so our drugs and travel costs *should* be covered....  Yay!  Now into a cab to the airport and wait another few hours to climb onto the plane, fly to Edmonton and then finally drop into Grande Prairie (and David's arms) at 10:30 tonight, for the 2.5 hour drive home... *yawn*

It's Like Being In Line For The Roller Coaster

You can't wait to get there, but you have a ball of dread in your stomach at what's going to happen.  There's nothing anyone can tell you to keep away - you hear stories that conflict each other.  Some tales are dripping with excitement and wonder and a smug knowing accomplished with a tender nudge.  Others... others are filled with dire warnings and a firm hand, one that holds you back. 

But it's our ride.  We've paid a horribly high price for the ticket.  We're not only committed, we're obligated... to something that doesn't have a name, a heartbeat or a voice, only the hope of one.  So we'll take it, and we'll share our story at the end.  We'll be a lot wiser at the end of it, we'll also be very happy or very sad.

I'm off to PCRM in Vancouver on December 30th for a sonohystogram and more bloodwork, as well as my injections class.  Should be interesting to know if I've been doing my injections correctly for the past six months - I never had as much as a 'how-to' flyer given to me.  Oh, and the drugs should be interesting... I was on clomid for 12 months and started to experience vision issues, then found out I am only supposed to be on clomid for a maximum of 6 months, and the vision symptoms I was experiencing are indicitive of my retina detaching.  Lovely. 

I had CD3 tests performed on December 23rd, but won't find out the results until the 30th... I am hopeful they were good!

My other blog is a baby blog

Haha, right?  Seriously.  I have an empty 'Wilson Baby Blog' all designed and empty and waiting for some kind of news about a pregnancy.  I started it last February when I was so sure that pregnancy was going to stick.  Haha, right? 

Well, I guess we'll see over the next six months if we'll get to use that empty shell and use some of the pretty designs and ideas I put into it.  Oh yeah, and the blog might take flight as well. 

We start IVF procedures in January.  Seems we might be flying down to Vancouver at the end of the month for more tests and initial/first round of consultations and official introduction to our IVF path.  yay.  I mean... Yay!

Okay I have to admit I am a little excited.  A little hopeful.  It seems in the IVF world we are pretty good candidates for those old success rate sheets.  I mean we  have no fertility issues, we've gotten pregnant, I've done my duty as a breeding mare before and David's boys are up to par.  I'm 'average' age in the IVF realm and in good health.  Hopefully the end of January will be the beginning of a pregnancy. 

The Final Step

In a vastly fertile family, it seems kind of freakish that I will be moving onto IVF.  David and I had big talks about it and while he has more fear than I do about the entire thing.  I want it to be over one way or the other.  I am tired of every month, every plan, every season being about me 'maybe' being pregnant.  Plus the drugs make me fat.  I really dislike being fat.  I have managed to gain 20 lbs of fat since I started the drugs and not one bit of it can be contributed to pregnancy.  It's actually non-pregnancy fat.  Not cute and charming like pregnancy fat, which can be easily overlooked when you have a cooing, gorgeous newborn to distract those intruding eyes.

So the papers came in the mail today.  The legal forms required to procreate.  I remember when getting pregnant meant having a few too many beers and praying feverishly for your period and avoiding the pregnancy test until you were about ten days late.  We have to have STD tests; AIDS and Hep B and C and small pox and even syphillis and chicken pox.  Yes I know the 'pox' are not STDs but they are still on the list.  Nobody wants to create a baby from impure ingredients I guess. 

And I get to have another FSH test.  It was a year ago this month when I had my first one.  I wonder if all my 'good eggs' have been wasted on the useless IUI cycles we did (mostly uninseminated - is that a word, un-inseminated?)  I mean, did I have like... 30 good eggs left and they are gone?  Can my FSH really raise in 12 months...? 

This thing is going to a whole new level and while my hopes are raised, I am all too aware that the height from which I might fall is raised as well. 

Ultrasound, Check - Follicle, Check - Doctor, ummmm Doctor???

Yep.. you got it.... I went for my ultrasound this morning and the ultrasound tech went to talk to the doctor but came back ten minutes later saying she couldn't get in touch with him.  So, she gave me the stats, or at least most of them.  I have one follicle that measures 18mm X 15mm X 23mm on my right ovary, and 9 smaller ones that she didn't have sizes for.  My uterine lining was a nice 8 mm which is good for where I am in my cycle.

So I'm on track.  Everything is going just swell.  Except there was no doctor to be found.  I called the office all day and finally had a neighboring receptionist go over and try to get them to answer a message, but there was nobody there.   Sigh.

It's not like I would be triggering tonight or anything.. and with that one big egg waiting to burst I doubt if he'd have me do more injections, so I don't think anything will be really affected at this point, but I am looking forward to hearing from his office in the morning.

I somehow have a bit more hope now.  Maybe it's because two more of my blog buddies are pregnant, and another just gave birth.  I am always, always the only non-pregnant one.. but that can't last forever, can it?

Upcoming Schedule as of Today.... (in anticipation)

Trigger on Wednesday night around 10 p.m.
IUI on Friday morning around 10 a.m.
BD Friday around 2 p.m.
Test around December 17th
Do not tell anyone until Christmas - including David if I am so lucky as to get a bfp
EDD August 27th.

Wannabe Check - Tomorrow - 11:45 a.m.

We've decided that's what we'll call it.  A wannabe check.  Counting and measuring the little 'wannabe' follicles...

I was supposed to have my U/S today but we weren't able to get it booked in, so we opted for the next best thing - tomorrow.  I usually take 1 or 2 amps of FSH after my first ultrasound on Monday, so I took 1 amp just in case.  This is a strong drug but I am very confident that I was safe to take the half dose.  I am rather worried about my uterine lining... I was spotting until last Friday and am not confident that it will be thick enough.  Regardless, it's all too late now and I can only hope for the best.

There's always one

I am on several TTC message boards. For the past fourteen months I've been a loyal follower, avid poster, and eager, upstanding member of the freakishly addictive online pregnancy-obsessed community.

At first I was soaking up any bit of attention, comfort, or answer that I could glean from other cracked, stinging women who had also lost their pregnancies. I cried at my keyboard, I typed in stunned disbelief as the last of the innocence I'd known slowly leaked out of me into a maxi-pad. I took out my anger and fear on the boards instead of my two bewildered teenage sons and grief stricken husband.

Slowly, as the blood eventually stopped flowing and six long weeks of nothing took up that painful, blurry summer, I began to offer some kind of support to other newly-raped-of-innocent non-mothers drifted into the board. I got a bit of a reputation for poignant advice. I also got something else. Hope. I started to see other non-mothers report newly discovered lines on previously barren pee sticks. I started to see them progress into later stages of pregnancy, and then I started to see them deliver.

Through it all, through two more miscarriages and about twelve months, I got to hold onto a big, glittery ball of hope. Every bit of good news, every new pregnancy or birth just added to the glitter and shine! I was never bitter, never envious of other women who were sporting expanding waistbands and contracting levels of comfort. I was inspired and revived by all the women who were getting pregnant - all around me!

I started to notice, sometime around September, that I was forgetting my ball of hope, leaving it laying around the house, forgetting to take it with me when I left for work in the morning, or when I was going to yet another doctor's appointment.

I think it was around the same time that five, yes, five women in both my online and real life circle became pregnant in ONE WEEK that I started to clue in. Holy fuck. I might not ever get pregnant. I sat down and calculated the women who I knew in the past year who had moved onto 'the other side'. Twenty-six. One woman was actually already starting to try again with a four month old still nursing her oh-so-fertile breast. These are not women who I've seen get bfp's online. I've seen HUNDREDS of those. These are women who I actually talk to, know their stories, and they know mine. It began to dawn on me, I was the ONLY ONE in my moderate circle who was not only facing losses, but now, oh thank you!, I was facing secondary infertility.

So the nice, round, glittery ball of hope started to feel more like a rock that was placed in my bed, just under the sheet, and right in the place I love to curl up and sleep my worries away. It's getting in the way. I am starting to wonder at the purpose of it, and why I wanted it in the first place. New pregnancies are still adding to the ball, but not in the shiny happy way it was in the beginning. Now the pregnancies add bulk and sharp edges to my ball of hope, and makes it heavy and I feel stupid lugging it around. I think other people think I look stupid with it, too. It has turned from a pretty, glowing centerpiece for family dinners and doctor reports to an obscene, embarrassing thing that nobody really wants to comment on. They secretly wish I'd put it away, bury it in the backyard, or simply forget it for good. What good has it done me, anyhow?

We've agreed on two more IUI's. One of which I am currently being ultrasounded, stabbed with needles, medicated with strong pills, and will have the actual insemination performed on Friday. What used to be sensual and warm, filled with hope lovemaking has turned into sterility, time-sensitive deadlines, drugs and bright, strong lights.

After the two IUI's, which I really don't have a hell of a lot of hope for, (remember that is just an ugly rock now), we will move onto at least one IVF. I somehow have reserved some positive energy for that possibility, but not a lot. After that? I guess I really will bury that stupid, used to be glowing ball of hope. Just put it away forever, out of the house, maybe in the back shed under the old skis and discarded, plastic flower pots that I just might use one day, but haven't been inspired to yet. Just more hidden away junk with an old, dull, awkward rock underneath it. I'm sure my husband will quietly discard it in the summer, when he quietly cleans out the shed while I'm at work. And I'll be forever grateful for his silent burial of what we used to treasure so highly.

My boring update...

Well. It is. Boring!

Last cycle was a medicated IUI and a complete bust. No double line, just a great chart and lots of hope.

Then I had a lil' breakdown. Nothing dramatic, nothing worth writing home about, just a 'submission' of sorts. Acceptance of what is, and what is not. A promise to keep trying, a promise to not lose myself in the process.

So my doctor wants to do a little checking before we start another round of meds. I've got an ultrasound booked for tomorrow to check for cysts and make sure we can safely continue this month. I was on birth control for about a week. I haven't been temping or bothering with even thinking about ttc much, until this morning, when I finally took my temp again. If we are not doing the meds then David and I will be going au natural again and I must need to know when I ovulate, so I can take the lovely progesterone. No temping after ovulation, however. No stopping the progesterone early, and no testing until two weeks. I'm never good at that last one.

Da Faxt

December '08 - 7DPO Low Progesterone Result = 9.6
**** January '09 - Medicated 7DPO (Clomid 50mg) Progesterone Result = 40
**** February '09 - BFP / MC @ 5 Weeks Progesterone = 4.7
**** March '09 - Diagnosed LPD Luteal Phase Deficiency
 **** March '09 chemical pregnancy (beta 17dpo was "5")
**** April/May Cycle '09 - BFN
**** June '09 5th Round Clomid HSG 12DPO - BFN
**** July '09 - 6th Round Clomid 50mg BFN
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Aug 14 - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections, HCG trigger & Progesterone after Ovulation .... Overstimulated Ovaries - Over 12 large follicles (20mm+). IUI Cancelled! ****August '09 100mg Clomid, Repronex Injects 2ampsX3days, 1st Follicle Ultrasound Aug 31 Two Dominant Follicles - 15mm & 3 following close behind! Lining only 3mm... U/S #2 - *8* Mature Follicles, Lining at 8mm / Trigger on CD13 / IUI Sept 4th...Doctor *forgot* to book the proceedure - Sperm was processed for SA and ultimately destroyed. BFN, of course. October cycle - taking a break, no meds... just me and Mr. Wilson. OCTOBER 16th Cycle
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Oct 28th - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections 2 amp CD6/8/10 & 11. Ultrasound Oct 26 - 5 follicles 12-16mm lining 6 mm/ 5000 HCG trigger on Oct 27th, IUI Thursday at 10 a.m. Testing on November 7th - BFN.
****November '09..... BC for one week to hold off cycle to check for cysts - Ultrasound - all clear, 100 mg Clomid  days 5 to 10 / Repronex Injections 2 amps CD 6/8/10

Passing the Time

This month is a breeze. No needles, no pain, no worry about the cost, the pain, the timing... the mood swings, the anxiety from the meds.... all gone.

Instead I am back to the lovely feeling of 'what if' and enjoying the thought of making love to my husband in order to make a baby instead of waiting for hours to be inseminated by a harried doctor in a frenzied emergency room. It's kind of nice. Okay, it's really nice.

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm going to rehearsals almost every night of the week, and started pottery classes one morning a week. The store is running beautifully and our great big, beautiful new deck is just about done. Instead of spending all my time exploring reasons for my miscarriages, and trying to figure out what we can do to make it all work, I am spending evenings meeting new people in the community, laughing and learning.

I'm obviously still looking forward to motherhood. We're going to ovulate this weekend and have every intention of covering all our bases. And of course I'll be on pins and needles for two weeks.... but it all seems a lot more managable. Maybe the drugs cause me to make more out of it than I realize.....?

David and I got pregnant last year all on our own. Who knows about this time?

Back to Basics

Yepper.... I seem to have much more luck getting pregnant without my doctor. *laugh*

Between him being gone for my August cycle and not triggering me in time, causing me to miss that entire cycle, to him forgetting to book my IUI and destroying the sperm.... well I had a lot more chance of conception when he wasn't around. Which makes me have hope for this month... since I called first thing on Monday morning to schedule my ultrasounds and found out he's gone for a month. Jezus. It's a good thing I never started my meds again before I called to book the ultrasounds. He never had a message for me, never told me he was going..... *sigh*

So David and I discussed it and even considered taking the meds anyhow and triggering on our own, but both realized that would be pretty stupid and most likely a sure way to piss off the doctor. So we thought we'd just relax, give my body and his nerves a break from the body and roller coaster of emotions.

Our big plan this month doesn't include timing and monitors and injections and ultrasounds. It does include beer, laughter, perhaps some lingerie and having nobody involved in our baby making except. for. us. :-)

Upwards Sidewards Whateverwards...

I am in more acceptance than ever. That might sound defeatist, but it's actually pretty good. Accepting that I have two more years to have a baby with my amazing husband... accepting and re-realizing that I have excellent chances of pregnancy... accepting that this isn't our month, and accepting that what is, is.

Got another bfn yesterday at 12DPO....and am just happy to confirm what I already knew and get off the freak train that the hormones put me on.

Yeah, well...

What can I say. I was upset. Really. Really. Really. Upset. No real reason, nothing has really changed from two days ago until today. Maybe it's the approaching reality that I'll have to face my period once again. Maybe it's the guilt from screwing up the IUI. Maybe I'm just human and have every right to a pity party, as long as it's short, and I can scoop myself out of the litter box without getting too much bitterness and grit in my teeth.
So I was thinking.... get a gawd-damned grip, woman! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Adding drama and anger and bitterness (even though you feel them from time to time - you're no saint, ya know) to a situation that is far from hopeless and extremely exciting and can only enhance my life if successful... is STUPID! And rationalizing. I can feel the emotion from the hormones and still maintain dignity and strength and grace. I know that being a person, a woman, a mother, is sometimes not about getting what you want, but dealing with what you get with grace and gratitude.
And there is nothing quite so healing as warm hugs and encouragement from friends and a good chuckle in the face of a challenge. I have made it my own personal decision that I'm going to keep up the baby path until I'm at least 40...... that's two more years and girl, you better find a way to keep your chin up because there's going to be more challenges, more fear, more questions, more pain and more pregnant women parading thier beautiful bellies arond your store in the next 24 months!

I can do this... I can't say for sure that I'll give birth again, but I know I can do everything in my power to give this life that I want to birth the best chance in the world of becoming!

So I dug around and found some humor to spice up my depressing blog! I have to admit, it also spiced up my own attitude. I actually got a chuckle out of many of these cartoons.. these were a few that really stood out. I hope you enjoy them, and get a smile or two.

First Real Non-Pregnancy Breakdown?

Yesterday was a joke. I started out the morning thinking about how to write about 'getting over the pain of a miscarriage'. I wanted to talk about living in the present, focusing on the future and all that crap. Instead I ended up bawling my eyes out, hunched over the sink in our tiny bathroom, missing my lost, never-known baby-to-be. And as with any good pity party, anger heard the noise and made an abrupt, unannounced entrance. Party crasher.


Through tears and ruined makeup I started at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop staring at myself. Wondering why I am doing this. Why I am putting David through this.... realizing how quickly I am losing hope, and how I have begun to accept the fact that each month I will be 'looking forward to trying again'.


Planning a nursery, checking out cute onesies, anticipating those first flutters and kicks, bringing the wonder of being a parent into my husband's life. What used to be happy conversation has turned into something 'better left unsaid'. I don't often indulge in those dreams anymore. It's been downsized to only being able to fantasize about being pregnant, I think about David being a father, I sometimes stand in the shower and place my hand over my stomach, trying to imagine being full of baby again.... but they're Fantasies, not Hopes. They are dirty, secret thoughts that I know I'll never 'really' get to experience, but the sick wanna-be-mommy part of me gets off on. I don't admit openly to them anymore.




And the worst are the women who were trying and trying and trying and get pregnant. They're like reformed smokers. Caution, here's the anger part. Sorry to any of my trying and trying and trying and now pregnant friends who are reading this - I am happy for you, and you are most likely more considerate and understanding than most if I consider you a friend. But my friends aside, those women are the worst. They remind me of reformed ex-smokers. It's like along with pregnancy they've totally forgotten what it was like to want, to wish, to be let down again and again. They're the ones with the smug, holy advice to just keep trying, it'll happen, or relax and stop trying, it'll happen.... and you hope you're not actually tilting your head and looking at their glowing faces and swollen stomachs with as much disbelief as you are feeling. You don't want to rain on their little pregnancy parade, after all.

I'm not cruel. I would never take those pregnancies away from those wonderful women. They deserve it as much, and sometimes more, than I do. After all, I do have two beautiful grown sons who are sure to produce grandchildren one day. Babies will still be part of my future. I just mean.... why can't I be one too? One of those smug, relaxed, happy swollen souls. I'll even bear the cross of facing my still infertile friends if it could.just.be.me.


Okay, today's not proving to be much better than yesterday. I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the screen. I need to go to work. I need to forget about wanting, about wishing, about hoping, about those stupid lines on pregnancy tests that seem to disappear even if I do manage to coax my body into producing one.

Post Non-Perfect IUI Pregnancy Tests

So I tested this morning. Bah. I never get early bfp's in the morning, mostly because I wake up about four times a night and my 'fmu' is about as diluted as you can get. I've sworn to only test every second day, but honestly, I am going to waste another test and do a 'real' test tonight when I get home from work. There "might" be a bit of a color change, but I'm calling this a bfn and will until the line is easily visible at the ten minute mark.

Post Non-Perfect IUI Daily Updates

7 DPO
The progesterone is really kicking in. I was confrontational last night, I have waves of nausea, and my bbs were very heavy and sore. I can't even start to think these are pregnancy symptoms because I have been down this particular path before.

6 DPO
More of the same. Moderate aching in the boob type area. Some lower back discomfort. A 'pulling' sensation in my uterus/ovary region, to the point it was uncomfortable to walk... that passed after a few moments, came and went throughout the day. Still kinda gassy. Lots and lots of peeing at night and during the day - I feel like I have to go really bad all of a sudden. Still not a lot on the old hope horizen... but you never know, right?

5 DPO
Okay. Not a hell of a lot to report here. My boobs are sore. Not killingly sore, but after months of looking for any sign of soreness and finding naught (I love using those fancy-ass words), well, I know soreness when I feel it, even if it's just a little bit.

And. I have lower back pain. Of course, sore boobs and sore back are also right up there with progesterone side effects.

Is gas? I mean I'm pretty active in the toot department lately. And peeing three and four times a night.

Know what I hate? This could all be NOTHING. Could all be because of the little yellow pills I 'supposit' every night.

I guess I have to admit I'm hopeful this month. Not a lot, but at least a little. More than I was last month, when we weren't allowed to have sex during ovulation.

3 DPO

Well I will chalk it up to the progesterone, but I am weepy. Weeepeee. I even cried in a restaurant today.... David, as always, gets this cautious/amused/concerned look on his face. He humors me, he comforts me, he waits for me to gain control. And then I laugh. Embarassed. And explain for the twenty-second time that day that it's the hormones. I'm peeing a LOT, but I did last month as well and I think it has to do with the drugs as well - everything swollen and over-productive in there. So nothing really to report for 3 dpo except time in pretty much crawling by. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ti.. you get the picture...

This is what a BFP looks like.

Unfortunately, it's not real. I got a shot in the ass of hCG, the 'pregnancy hormone' last Wednesday, two days before we did the IUI. It forces a timely ovulation. It also makes you feel pregnant. You know, sore boobs, bitchy moods, absentmindedness, and, oh yeah, positive pregnancy tests.

I have to 'test out the trigger' which means I test every couple of days until either:

• It goes totally blank, which means if I get another line, I'm pregnant;
  


• It starts to get darker, which means I am getting more hCG than was in the shot, and I'm pregnant.

Of course, if it goes blank and stays that way, well.. you know what that means. That means I have a few days of feeling sad and empty, and gear up to do this again next month. Anyhow, this is my 2DPO report.

Not What I Expected..

I couldn't believe it. It was 9 a.m. on Friday morning. I was at my mother's house, enjoying a wonderful breakfast of soft boiled egg, crispy bacon and buttered toast. Why does everything taste better when your mom makes it?

We had successfully collected the *ahem* sample and gotten it to the lab. I felt really awkward because there had been people waiting there for over an hour, and I bullied my way to the front of the line, wanting to get the swimmers processed as soon as possible. That's when the trouble started.

My doc had given me a requisition for a sperm wash about two weeks earlier. It didn't have a label on it, so I didn't fax it in right away - which I usually do with all my requisitions. I had collected the label from the doc in a hurried appointment the previous day, and it was buried safe and deep in my purse. I had planned on going directly to my office, getting the req, slapping the label on it and faxing it over to the lab. I told them at the lab that the req would be on it's way shortly. They smiled, took the bottle, and moved onto the next person.

Now, somewhere between leaving the hospital and getting to my office, my mind wandered. I don't know if it was all the drugs they've been injecting into me, or the anxiousness of the day, or some deep seated refusal to get pregnant, but whatever the reason, when I left the lab, I decided I was hungry. Really hungry. I didn't want to go home, because I would get tied up in chores before work, and I didn't want to eat in a cafe alone, so I called my mom and tested the waters for a 'mom breakfast'.

Notice I did not return to the office, with the precious label and put it on the precious requisition and fax it to the lab? Yeah. Glad you noticed. I didn't.

I was at mom's when the blood drained out of my face. No, my entire system was drained. I felt a sinking horror when I realized I had forgotten to follow through. It's not like me, I am hyper sensitive to all my numbers, my levels, my timing, my meds. And when it came down to the wire - I totally fucked up.

Freaking out, trembling, I dialed the lab and asked if they had started processing the sample. They assured me that they had. And.. I asked... they knew it was for a IUI scheduled at noon, right? No, they said. There was nothing on the board for that day. They had started processing the semen for analysis. It was destroyed. Unusable. The tears started.

I didn't know what else to do. I called my doctor. I called the lab back. I got the main lab tech on the phone, imploring how upset I was, how stupid I had been, how I had spent nearly two thousand dollars in meds, taken injections, and had been trying for so long... how upset my husband was going to be.... After assuring me that the sample was truly destroyed, she went on to tell me that my requisition was only a backup... that the doctor was supposed to book the IUI in, and the lab would be alerted and ready for the sperm wash. There was nothing on the board. Nothing at all. She said they didn't know what to do with the sample, so they assumed. The guy never called to confirm anything.... my mess - up was one of three.

Then the doctor called, or at least his secretary did. I was supposed to get David back and get another sample. David, who was already over an hour away, on his way to work, and had already lost major brownie points for taking part of the morning off and his crew waiting around. David was supposed to turn around, drive an hour back, and manage another sample before 9 a.m.. David, who was really seriously annoyed at the news that this was being asked, I'd say pissed off, but he doesn't display anger towards me, so annoyed is about as strong a word as I can honestly use.

I wondered how potent a sample would be only 3.5 hours after the last one was taken. I wondered if my already work-stressed and sperm-released husband could even manage to produce enough of a sample to take to the lab. I wondered if the lab, which closed at 11 a.m. would even have time to process the sperm, if we managed to get one. I wondered, I felt like crap, and spent the next 45 minutes doing some serious beating up on myself.

After my strong spout of self-abuse, David called and said he was on his way home. He was going to give it another go. I couldn't believe it. I called home, and asked my teenagers to vacate the house for an hour, no questions asked. I told them they had 30 minutes to leave... they were more than happy to oblige, as long as I didn't tell them why David and I needed to be alone in the house. I figured that if my superman was going to try and pull this off, he would need total privacy and lack of distraction. Pun totally intended.

So we arrive at the house at exactly 10:55. I had put in a call to the lab, asking them to hold off on closing for half an hour. The head tech, who by now knew my voice, agreed, and again said it wasn't really my fault - that the doctor should have booked the procedure, and agreed towait for our sample.

The teenagers, (arg!) were still in the house. Still half dressed and half awake. One was putting on her makeup. I announced they had to get out - now. No putting on makeup, no getting teeth brushed. They had to LEAVE. David at this point is already in the bedroom. The clock is ticking, and I don't know if we even have a chance of doing this. The kids, freaked out and not wanting to know what was going on, left. No makeup, no clean teeth, just gone.

At 11:09, David was back in his truck and headed back to the pipeline. His bosses never even knew he was gone. I had a surprisingly good sample... and a new respect for David and his ability to FOCUS. I still felt miserable about cutting our chances so horribly, but at least we still had a chance...

The woman at the lab grabbed the sample as soon as I walked in and said.. there's not much.. but all we need is ONE! And so the process was at last underway. She said it wasn't as good as the first sample... but it was surprisingly good for such a short time between. They never did an actual count.

After three hours of wandering the hallway, my doctor, who had been in surgery, finally got time to perform the IUI. He said, men produce 15000 sperm a second, and all they needed was one. He said, if we didn't have a good chance, I wouldn't do this. He said, afterwards, go home and gestate.

So I went home, laid down, shook my head at the cluster fuck it had turned into, and hoped that we had a chance. Any chance. I figure... that even a few million really healthy, lively sperm, directly thrown on top of 8 beautiful, eager eggs had to give us more of a chance than normal intercourse with a normal cycle. I figure, we have as good a chance as ever. After all. It only takes one, right?

8 Is Our Magic Number!

I was so freaked out and worried about the lining. I even meditated about it. I popped baby asprin (to increase blood flow), put a hot water bottle on my tummy (because it felt good), and did more positive manifestation than I have in a long time.

Speaking of the water bottle, I just asked my gorgeous baby boy to get me one... (sorry, distracted).

Okay. Why Eight. Magic number. Sorry. I'm a bit woozy from the day, not to mention all the drugs I've had injected into my system in the past week. Oh yeah. Eight. 8.

My lining, which if you read the previous post, was a concern, but it was a nice, healthy 8mm. And those five follicles... well we were up to a beautiful Eight. Capital E. Are we nervous about multiples. Yes, nervous and excited. We want more than one but not more than three. Three is our limit.

Anyhow, back to Eight. I am not sure how the math works and I haven't figured out how to google such information, but if I have 20% chance of getting pregnant each month with one egg, don't our chances increase if we have 8, that's Eight with a capital "E", eggs? I should.... hope so?

Getting Pregnant When My Husband is 2 hrs Away...

Okay. Let me catch you up. It's been a hell of a week. Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound. I was told I had to have a full bladder so I drank 40+ ounces of water only to find out it was a transvaginal ultrasound (which I asked twice about when I got the appointment). So... after I went pee (whew), we proceeded.

The girl (yes, she was that young) who did the u/s was so quiet, wouldn't let me see the screen, or comment on generally anything at all, so I was a little uncomfortable, but it all went by easily enough.
After changing, Dr. L came in and said everything looked good but my lining was thin. 1.3mm. 1.3mm????? I was concerned. He went on to say it 'should be fine', and pushed forward. I have two dominant follicles measuring 1.5cm, and three lesser ones trying to catch up. Dr. L thought I would ovulate all five follicles - a great sign. I got put on two more amps of Repronex, one for that day, and one for today, and off I went.

I went. I went directly to my laptop and began googling every term imaginable to do with thin uterine lining. My findings were dismal. Horrid. Tear-bringing. There is no way I could grow a decent (over 6mm) in just a couple of days! Why bother fertilizing the eggs if I would just flush them out when I got my period.

Resigned, I called my doctor this morning, mostly to ask about delaying my trigger and just having sex naturally on the weekend. He was annoyed with me, and said my lining wasn't that bad.... and I realized we had miscommuncated. My lining was 3 mm, not 1.3, and the secondary follicles were 1.3cm. I am not sure how that happened, but I don't care. I have three days to get my lining to at least a 6 and I prefer 8. It can grow 2 mm per day, and with my growing follicles and injects, it could be 5 today, 7 tomorrow, and possibly grow a bit before the trigger hits.


I am beyond excited and hopeful about this cycle. And a cute FYI... my due date would be David's birthday!

And in regards to the title of this post? David 'contributes' to our adventure first thing Friday morning, then takes off to work as normal.. the sperm are washed, and kept safe and sound until the IUI at about 1 pm on Friday. So David will actually be in another province when we potentially get pregnant!