Yoga and Renovations

It's official.  The entire top floor of my house is totally demolished.  Nothing but bare 2x4s and plywood.  Except for one room right in the middle that has been left untouched.  It contains something that gives me deep, intense pleasure on a nightly basis.  It contains my bathtub.

Throughout my entire adult life, a warm bath has been essential to my mental health.  A bruised heart would mean taking two and sometimes even three hot baths a day... not feeling well... I'll sink myself into a swirling well of aromatherapy and let whatever pain medications I've ingested to start to work.  My tub is where I find 30 minutes a day to visit the characters in the novels I'm reading, (currently the Mayfair Witches series again) and to reflect on the day behind me and plan the day ahead.


So the guys, being my husband and youngest son, have been patient and accommodating by leaving my horribly outdated, cracked tub alone.  I'm pregnant!  I need my bath!  It's the one time of the day when I am sure to not feel some kind of pressure or pain or the gross effects of gravity on my swollen midsection.

Okay.  David would freak if I were suggesting this was actually what our current tub looks like.  But the drama queen that I am, well, I wanted to make a point.  Any container that holds hot water and me at the same time is all I really need to qualify as a 'bath'.  I'm not fussy.  DISCLAIMER:  This is not our actual bathtub.  Although.  it's not far off...

I know it's going to go soon, though.  I will be weeks without the daily ritual that I so intently focus on when my work day is coming to a close!  The guys just can't keep working around that outdated, ugly little room with the peeling floor and crooked vanity.  It has to go.  To the dump.  Everything in it.  Sigh.

And... this is a lot closer to what our new en suite will look like.  Not *quite* the same, but it's the general idea.  Will my tub time be more relaxing, the books I read more interesting, or my armpits any cleaner as a result of this setting.  I vote YES!  Please note:  I am nearly 40 years old and this is the first time in my life I'll have had a 'nice' place to live.  I'm not bragging about my bathtub, I'm in awe of it! 

I am somewhat mollified by the fact that my *new* tub will be a deep, luxurious (and un-cracked) well of peace and tranquility.  It's going into a large en suite separated from the main bedroom by a wall of built in closets.  I will have my own dressing room complete with makeup table.  A lovely window will allow me to gaze at the snow, or the northern lights, or the stars or the summer leaves as the water massages my worry away.  I will have a sound system built in so I don't have to drag my iPhone into the bathroom if I want music.

So David and I have moved into the basement den.  He pretty much moved our bedroom and set it up exactly as the way it was.  I've never seen another person take someone else's comfort into such consideration.  We laughed at us living in a 'basement suite' at our age, and especially while being pregnant.  We're both a little apprehensive about the possibility of the baby (Brogan) coming early, but honestly, all he needs is a boob and a basket to be comfy for the first few weeks of life.

No, we didn't do this pose yet,
but it looks interesting, considering
how all the women are leaking things
we never knew we could leak, and
the class *is* a little crowded.

Oh, and this morning, I found time to take my first pre-natal yoga class.  Besides the room being about 10 degrees above comfort level, it was fun and interesting.  Half of the poses made me either feel the need to pee or pass gas, which made me nervous because there were about four women too many in the room and we were about 12 inches from face to fanny most of the time.  I wasn't alone in my experience, other women felt the same way!  I did manage to find a friendly face, another cheerful, intelligent woman whom I connected with as a result of this blog.  We were happy to see one another and went for a great lunch together afterwards where we got to talk about nothing but babies, babies, babies!  It's great to know someone else is as nervous and excited as I am.  I'm very much looking forward to next week's session.

Bad Blogger!!

Our first day in Mexico - on Coco beach in Playa Del Carmen.

Feeling HUGE but happy... at least David makes me feel little!  26 weeks pregnant here...

 Life has been super busy....

We just got back from an amazing vacation in Mexico, David is home for the entire spring and work has been super busy.  It's all wonderful and I'm doing great.

The pregnancy is going perfect.  All tests are excellent, I have nothing at all making me miserable except a good case of acid reflux that is controlled by meds at night.

One of the most awesome memories in Mexico was swimming.  The baby seemed to LOVE it when I was in the water.  He must have felt weightless and comfy with the muted sound and smoothness of me swimming.  Getting in and out of the water was sometimes challenging as we snorkelled some of the natural cenotes... there were a few times when I felt super fat and awkward, but for the most part, I was a good trooper and kept up for the most part with everyone.

I ran out of my acid reflux medication for the last three nights and that was the worst part for me.  I woke up a couple times a night gagging and throwing up the most vile crap.  Dry heaving and the horrible taste is not a way to enjoy a night, and it was hell getting back to sleep afterwards.

Good news.... not even a tiny bit of swelling, which actually surprised me with all the travel and sitting.  I did manage to eat really healthy and drink tons of water, so I guess that is good advice after all!

On our way home from Edmonton David and I stopped at Babies R Us and purchased our baby essentials!  It was a great experience.  For the first time I didn't feel like a hopeful impostor.  Baby boy squirmed and booted his encouragement and reminder that there is someone who will need a few of his own things when he moves in with us.

We were thrilled to find the original crib we wanted on sale and purchased it for $249 ($400 off).  Then we moved onto the car seats.  Ugh.  Too confusing.  Things have changed a lot since my boys were born.  We finally settled on an infant to toddler model.  We were given an almost new infant seat that is clean and in excellent condition.  We'll use whichever one we like the most, and we do have more than one vehicle so an extra one might come in handy.

A mid-sized playpen for the first few months in our room seemed like a great decision.  We'll use it in my work nursery when I go back, so it seems like a good choice..... purchased a Fisher Price swing and a great quality breast pump and Tommee Tippee  bottle system.

The truth is there are so many products out there that it's impossible to know what is going to be best until we try it.  I just know that instinct told me to get going and get some of the essentials.  I might be too big and tired and busy to make another trip back to Edmonton and Fort St John does not have the best choices when it comes to shopping.

Photo Update...

A real post

Because I still feel weird posting here after family members were offended... and what I wrote absolutely have been offensive, but I use this to write offensive, honest and raw things.  It's why people read it.  The PC writing is boring and might as well be posted in a cute greeting card.

Ah well.  It's been a long few months and not many family members are really interacting with me at any rate.  Which freaks me out but is refreshingly easier on my brain and heart to be honest.  It freaks me out because I think I am truly and honestly growing apart from them, and I miss what I had built up what I thought our relationships could be like.  It's easier on me because in reality, our relationships were nothing even close to what I wanted them to be, and I was either hurting them or offending them or being hurt and offended.  And I mean, this was not intentional on either side - just people who are so freakishly different that there's no way to have a functional relationship even if there is that weighty 'family' label pasted on our foreheads.

I am of an age and time in my life where I am who I am and I love it.  I am not of a mind to apologize for my principals, morals or beliefs.  These are the things who brought me where I am today.  The things that attracted all the wonderful, strong women-sisters in my life, the things that helped me get through the toughest times when I had to reach into myself to survive, the things that brought my amazingly handsome and strong husband to fall deeply in love with me.  These traits are what I rely on to help me make business decisions, running my company with confidence, skill and a deep commitment to everyone who comes into contact with it.  I'm not going to apologize for who I have fought to become and whom so many wonderful friends and real family love me for being.

So.

Here we are.

Me.  Happy.  Being Me.

Not Pretending.  Not Trying To Fit In.

Where I Don't Even Like Being.

Okay, some pregnancy stuff now.

For one, I am falling head over heels with this baby.  I love him being with me every second of every day.  I don't feel alone even when I am.  I take long hot showers in the mornings with my music blasting away on the counter and I 'dance the baby' while all the soap and water swirls around me.  I'm a pretty busy person during the day so stolen moments like this seem sacred to me - when I actually just let myself fall into the thought of this tiny person nestled inside me.  

I've moved from feeling fat and awkward to full and sexual.  I know I don't have a firm, young body, but this body is loved and accepted by myself, my husband and everyone who knows me.  It's a perfect shell for me, and is doing a spectacular job of hosting this very special little soul.

Oh, and I've also started 'walking the baby'.  A good friend of mind walks on an indoor track every morning and I've begun to join her three times a week.  Getting up out of my amazingly comfortable bed at 6:30 am on a exceptionally freaking cold morning is really dreadful to say the least... but to get to the track, pull my fat butt up three flights of stairs and then start in on my hour long walk feels like a million dollars once the process is actually happening.

I've gained about 12 lbs so far and would like to only gain 15 more in total.  Since baby has about 7 to go, and water, blood and placenta will count for at least another 5, that means I'll hopefully end up just 15 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant.  Excellent goal but I'll need to work at it over the next few months.  Thank gawd warmer weather is happening soon.  It will make getting out of the house a lot more appealing.

Okay.  It's late and I'm exhausted.  Night from a real person saying real crap without pulling the punches.

Heading into 6th Month - 23rd Week!!

Month 6: May feel baby hiccup

Baby This month continues to be a period of rapid growth. At 24 weeks, your baby can suck his thumb and you may feel baby hiccup. He will have patterns of sleep and activity which you will come to know. His skin has lost its translucent appearance, but he still has not laid down any stores of fat and is therefore quite thin. Your baby's skin is wrinkled and red. It is covered with lanugo (fine, soft hair) and vernix (a substance consisting of oil, sloughed skin cells and lanugo). Real hair and toenails are beginning to grow. Your baby's brain is developing rapidly. Fatty sheaths which transmit electrical impulses along nerves are forming. Meconium, your baby's first stool, is developing. A special type of fat (brown fat) that keeps your baby warm at birth is forming. Baby girls will develop eggs in their ovaries during this month. The baby's bones are becoming solid. Your baby is almost fully formed and looks like a miniature human. However, because the lungs are not well developed and the baby is still very small, a baby cannot usually live outside the uterus at this stage without highly specialized care. By the end of the sixth month, your baby will be around 11 to 14 inches (28 to 35 centimeters) long and will weigh about 1 to 1.6 pounds (500 to 750 grams). Mother You are now visibly pregnant. You will gain weight around this time, and you may feel overheated and sweaty as your blood supply increases. Your face may look flushed as well. Your heart and lungs are working 50% harder than normal. You may have some pain in your ribcage as the baby begins to press upwards. Shortness of breath may follow for the same reason. As your pregnancy progresses, it is important to maintain correct posture and protect your feet and joints. Wear comfortable shoes and clothing, rest with your feet up, and continue your antenatal exercises. Week Twenty Three: Sense of balance develops    You are 23 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 21 weeks) He or she measures over 28cm and weighs up to 550 grams. The baby is over 11 inches tall, weighs about a pound. The eyebrows are visible. The child can successfully suck. Bones located in the middle ear harden. Your baby does a regular 'workout' inside your womb. He or she turns from side to side and head over heels. Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. Skin pigment is now forming. The fetus is now proportioned like a newborn except it is a thinner version of a newborn baby since its baby fat has not developed much yet. The pancreas, essential in the production of hormones, is developing steadily. Baby has begun producing insulin, important for the breakdown of sugars. If born now, your baby would have a 20% chance of survival, the odds going up with each passing day. By this week, your baby weighs a little over 1 pound (500g). Its crown to heel length is 11 inches (28cm).

Week 22 What's Happening!!?

	I've finished 21 weeks and starting my 22nd week in this photo.  Can't deny that I'm pregnant anymore! Week Twenty Two: Taste buds develop
	You are 22 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 20 weeks)The fetus reacts to loud sounds. Baby starts having a regular sleeping and waking rhythm. The mother's movements can wake her baby. Taste buds are forming on your baby's tongue. The baby is 28cm long (crown to heel) and weighs over 450 grams. The weekly weight gain has increased to around 70 grams. Your baby is about 11 inches long and weighs in at about 1 pound. The eyebrows and eyelids are fully developed, and the fingernails cover the fingertips. Sounds from a conversation are loud enough to be heard by the fetus in the uterus. If you talk, read, or sing to your baby, it's reasonable to expect him or her to be able to hear you. By this week, your waistline is definitely gone. The top of your uterus is now about 1 inch (3cm) above your bellybutton. Your enlarging abdomen is not too large and doesn't get in your way much. You're still able to bend over and to sit comfortably. Walking shouldn't be an effort. Your friends and relatives can tell you are pregnant. It would be hard to hide your condition. The baby is about 11 inches (28cm) long (crown to heel) and weighs in at about 1 pound (450g).

Deliciously Boring

That's what this pregnancy is.  Nothing to note.  Just a bulging waistline and excited parents.  Just like about a hundred thousand other pregnancies going on around the world right now.

I've got so much energy back it's hard to process how freaking tired I was the first few months.  My gawd. I now come home from a regular day at work and still have enough energy to cook, tidy the kitchen, put away the food and even bathe.  Wow.

I'm having some mild difficulty sleeping at night - the weight of the tummy is pulling at me and I'm very conscious to lay on my left side whenever I can.  I need a thin pillow to put under my tummy or I find my back hurts to the point of waking me up.

I find the bellybelt is a wonderful little tool for me.  I can still wear my favorite jeans without them falling down.  A long shirt is in order, and sometimes using a belly band is best if wearing a snug top, but otherwise, I love this product!

I'm also struggling with clothes.  It seems my best bet are my jeans, with the above bellybelt product (can be found with an easy online search).  If I wear big, loose tops, I look fat.  If I wear snug tops it's a lot better, but because I have some excess fat along with my baby bulge, if my pants don't fit just right, I get some extra bulges that I honestly DESPISE.  Not good for a woman who used to be 100lbs overweight and is pretty conscious of any bulges, especially unwarranted ones.  Ugh.

Looks like I'll be searching out some nice flowing empire waist tops to go with the jeans.

I've had some moderate heartburn at night.  This is a disgusting, foul experience that has no business being on my list of pregnancy experiences.  I can usually keep things at bay by taking a healthy tablespoon of honey at night with a half glass of milk.  All natural and seems to work well.   It starts about 10 o'clock (about now) and will keep me awake all night if left untreated.

Baby boy is kicking as we speak.  Little bumps and thumps as he stretches out his legs.  Hard to believe we are in our 20th week and halfway there!  Wow.

I miss David more than anything in the world right now.  It's difficult to be here alone even though the pregnancy is not really that exciting.  I know we'll be able to feel the baby kick on the outside soon and I want him to be here to experience that with me.  He's coming home for the 20 week ultrasound (February 21 - put off so it will co-incide with his days off), and I hope at that point he might have some more solid evidence that his son is anxious to meet his daddy.

We've gotten our trisomy results back at 1:2,900 and downs at 1:360.   Those numbers might seem high for a younger woman, but there was actually a note on the results that said these numbers were exceptionally good for my age.  Yeah.... I'm still a good breeder.

Oh and one last note... we have our babymoon all planned out!  Ten days in Mexico, on the East Coast in a beautiful penthouse condo with four bedrooms, private deck with jacuzzi and king sized beds.  Can. Not. Wait.

20 Weeks - Halfway There! What's happening?

Week Twenty: The halfway point

Congratulations! You are halfway through your pregnancy, 20 weeks marks the midpoint. Remember, pregnancy is counted as 40 weeks from the beginning of your last period if you go full term. You are 20 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 18 weeks) Baby now weighes about 11 ounces and is roughly 7 inches long. Baby is 17cm long crown to rump, and weighs about 310 grams. The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice. The mother will probably start feeling the first fetal movements. The toenails and fingernails are growing. The growth of hair on the rest of the body has started. The skin is getting thicker. The heart can now be heard with a stethoscope. Your baby may react to loud sounds. Baby can actually hear noises outside of the womb. Familiar voices, music, and sounds that baby becomes accustomed to during their development stages often are calming after birth. This is an important time for sensory development since nerve cells serving each of the senses; taste, smell, hearing, sight, and touch are now developing into their specialized area of the brain. Your baby now weighes about 11 ounces and at roughly 7 inches long they are filling up more and more of the womb. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage. Note: Babies are measured from the crown (or top) of the head to the rump (or bottom) until about 20 weeks. After that, they are measured from head to heel. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against the torso during the first half of pregnancy and very hard to measure. Weight: 10.6 ounces - 300 grams Length:  (crown to rump) 6.5 inches - 16.5 cm (crown to heel) 10 inches - 25.5 cm.

19 Weeks - What's Happening...?

Week Nineteen: Genitals recognizable

You are 19 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 17 weeks) Fetus is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm). Your placenta continues to grow and nourish the baby. Features of your baby's heart, should be visible during an ultrasound. Your baby's genitals are distinct and recognizable. Scalp hair has sprouted and continues to grow. ≈If baby is female the uterus starts to develop, the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes are in place. Females have a limited supply of eggs in their lifetime. At this point your daughter will have 6 million eggs. This amount decreases to approximately one million by birth. If it's a boy, the genitals are distinct and recognizable. Even if the sex looks obvious, ultrasound operators have been known to make mistakes. Baby's legs are reaching their relative size and with the increase muscle development occurring as well, you will start feeling much more than tiny flutter kicks soon. If you have not felt movement yet, you will soon. Your baby will increase its weight by more than 15 times between now and delivery. Your baby's size is around 6.5 inches (17cm) and 9 ounces (250gm).

3D Ultrasound

And... we couldn't resist...

David and I are going to have another SON!!!

This is our baby boy.... He's still a fetus, just 16weeks 6days old, but already long, strong and beautiful!

Okay... I know he'll really appreciate this when he's 16, but I can't resist... the imagery is just so amazing.  We cried when we found out we are having a son.

A Different Kind of Blogging

It's not epic.

It's not dark, sad or very moving at all.

I am not ashamed to clearly admit that I am much more inspired by pain or heartache than by normalcy or joy.  It's often the case with someone who writes.  My writing is exceptionally self serving... it's an outlet for pain, an expression of despair, a silent cry poured out through my fingers.

And it's been months since I've needed that outlet.  There are no mind numbing episodes of bleeding, no gut wrenching cramps or abnormal ultrasounds.

There's just me, and the baby in perfect harmony.  Like it was all meant to be, all along.  I always secretly held onto the belief that our losses were only physical.  The soul of our child kept having to wait patiently for the perfect time for us to be the perfect parents that s/he needed.... for the perfect body for s/he to spend an entire lifetime gracing our world in.   This baby feels natural, and my body has wrapped itself softly around it with a sureness and comfort unlike anything I've known.

And so my need to write is numb.  Thankfully.  Instead I lay at night, my hands gently cradling my growing belly, and feel our baby exploring the world inside me.  The nudges, pokes and rippling are gentle reminders of life, becoming aware of itself and the world around it.  Energy, with a soul learning about its new earth bound body.

We're just finished our 16th week.

Week Seventeen: Fat accumulates

You are 17 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 15 weeks) The umbilical cord is growing thicker and stronger. Fetus weight is just over 5 ounces (150g). Baby is about 5 inches (14cm) long crown to rump. and would be about 9 inches (23cm) head to toe, if it could stretch out. The retina has become sensitive to light. The first stools (meconium) are now beginning to accumulate. They recycle the amniotic fluid by swallowing up to a litre a day. Meconium (composed of products of cell loss, digestive secretion and swallowed amniotic fluid), is accumulating in the bowel. Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth. Baby's eyes are looking forward now, but they are still firmly closed. The skeleton is tranforming from cartilage to bone. The bones remain flexible to make the journey through the birth canal easier. You can feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways and measure, it is about two finger-widths (1 inch) below your bellybutton. Your uterus is the size of a cantaloupe. The crown to rump length of your growing baby is 5 to 5.6 inches (12.5 to 14cm) by this week. Weight of the fetus is about 5.25 ounces (150g).

I Can't Stop!

Writing!

So I think I solved my issue... you can check out the Wilson Baby Blog if you want the watered down, politically correct, baby / pregnancy related version of what is happening in my womb.

But this space has been claimed as my own personal online diary that writes back, and I'm just going to write whatever I freaking well want to here, as I always have.

Okay.

How am I feeling.....


Physically

I can't say that my first trimester was difficult, but since I slept through most of it I could be wrong.  I was coming home from work and crawling into David's easy chair within moments.  Shortly thereafter I could be identified as the drooling, snoring member of the family, responding to very little outside stimulation.  I was so tired I skipped my nightly bath, and was even skipping supper for a while.  Except I discovered that skipping meals lead to sudden, violent onslaughts of excessive gagging and dry heaving.

My second trimester has been a lot easier so far.  I've got a lot more energy and am eating more normally.  Thankfully I have only gained a couple pounds (the doctor says I've actually lost weight, but my scales say I've gained about three).  I am still tired but not suffering from near narcolepsy.  I had really shocking RLP in the first few weeks of pregnancy, even before we got our positive beta test... the doctor was shocked and said he's never heard of it occurring that early.  Well, it's back and I find myself doubling over, holding my tummy if I feel the need to laugh, or cough, or sneeze.  I move very slowly when I get up from a chair or roll over in bed.  I like the feeling because I know things are growing!!

Oh, and at about 11 weeks I got fat.  Not a cute little bump like the beautiful, skinny women get, but an overall increase in my already slightly rounded belly.  I have a fairly flat tummy with great muscles, but am one of those lucky women who got that little bit of baby fat the first time around and never, ever got rid of it.  So while my uterus was growing and rising, I wasn't really getting that poking out, rather the inch and a half of flabby belly being pushed up and out.  Sigh.  I'm getting my belly flap sliced off once I'm all done hosting children inside my belly... no doubt about it!

I digress.  Back to getting fat.  My jeans were uncomfortable.  Cutting into me, and making me feel like I'd gained 20 lbs even though the scale said I was the same.  I was bloating badly as well, so at night I looked 5 months pregnant and felt 8.  So I started wearing a lovely device called a hair elastic around my snap, with my zipper at half mast.  That's okay for my stretchy jeans, as long as I have a shirt long enough to cover the gaping zipper.  But my less stretchy jeans still didn't feel that great.  I was getting grouchy and annoyed by mid-afternoon.

I got maternity pants.  Oh my god is there anything more comfortable than a three inch wide elastic band, gently caressing my swollen stomach?  I love them!!!

I honestly think I am starting to actually show a bit, now.  Of course you can't tell with my clothes on, and shirt down, but if I am wearing just panties or a pair of yoga pants, I can see a cute little swelling and not just a general increase in roundness.


Emotionally

I'm starting to warm up to being a pregnant woman.  I was in disbelief and worry the first few weeks, and then too tired and sick to really feel anything the next few weeks.  Then I got fat and that sucked, and then Christmas came and I was too busy to think about the baby or being a mommy... not real, serious, deep thought, anyhow

But now I'm starting to really sink into the 'glowy' part of being pregnant.  I feel physically and emotionally full... sated might be a better word.  The only thing I can compare it to is the warm, dreamy, liquid blanket that covers you after making love, you know, when the room is dark and heavy and your lover is close?  I have a deep feeling of connection to David, and to the baby, and even to my two grown sons, knowing I am carrying their sibling.  I have a deep feeling of connection to myself.  A connection to the new life that's squirming and growing and safe deep inside the most secret part of me.

And I'm excited.  Excited to make my amazing friend and husband a father.  Excited that we didn't give up... Excited.  Happy.  Joy-Full

And not going to stop writing my real, raw, politically un-correct but honest feelings.

14 Weeks Pregnant

This is the baby's heartbeat... I get to hear this amazing song every night!!! The blog is changing... I'm not sure this is the right place for what I'm writing about.  This blog was a huge place for me to express myself - to be honest, and to say whatever I was feeling, no matter how 'right' or 'wrong' it was at the time.  It was just real.  Writing for me is therapy, it's a way to let the emotion out, pouring it through my fingertips onto a screen and releasing me from whatever was binding. One of the most difficult things to do when you write is to write freely.  I've always known the blog was public, and there was a certain risk in saying what I was feeling... but lately I've become aware that some of my words had a personal impact on people in my life.  I didn't say anything here that I didn't express to them directly, and it's virtually impossible for anyone else to figure out what or whom I was referring to, as I never discussed the incident outside my marriage... yet seeing it in black and white had a more profound impact, and feelings were hurt. Now, I find it impossible to write about anything real.  I don't want to update the posts... and I feel guilty because I get emails asking me to do so.   I have tons of feeling, and emotions, and stories that I want to share but I'm unable to....  This blog was an emotional lifeline through one of the toughest times of my life.  I don't want to let it go, but it feels like the line has been cut.  I'm considering creating a baby blog so those people who don't wish to read my personal posts can still get baby updates.... but will I ever really be able to write about all that I write about?  Sex?  Personal issues?  Frustrations?  The details on medical information?  Fears? Being totally open and raw and real?  Being open and raw and real is therapy for me if it's safe... but being open and raw and real when I feel vulnerable is a totally different story! Anyhow... I need to think about it....  Here's the latest update on baby.... Oh, and I'm feeling great... get tired from time to time but otherwise... great! Week Fourteen: Hormones start up

You are 14 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 12 weeks) The fetus is 3 and half inches (9cm) long. Weight is about 1 and half ounces (45 grams). The eyes are slowly moving towards the centre of the face. The nose is more pronounced. The ears are fully developed. The cheekbones are visible. The first hair is appearing. The kidneys are producing urine. In girls, the ovaries are moving down towards the pelvis. In boys, the prostate gland is developing. For girls, the ovaries move into the pelvis. Your baby now is peeing into the amniotic fluid round itself as well as making breathing movements. With the effect of hormones, the boys now have a prostate gland. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis. During this week of pregnancy the head and eyebrow hair develops. Your child's bones are getting harder and stronger by the day. Your baby's skin is very transparent still. Lanugo (very fine hair) covers the baby's body and will continue to grow until 26 weeks gestational age - Generally this will be shed prior to birth. Its purpose is to help protect baby's skin while in all that water. As your baby grows, your uterus and placenta are also growing. Six weeks ago, your uterus weighed 5 ounces (140 g). Now, it weighs about 8.75 ounces (250g). The amount of amniotic fluid around the baby is also increasing. There is now about 7.5 ounces (250ml) of fluid. You can easily feel your uterus about 3 inches (7.6cm) below your bellybutton. Your baby is 3.42 inches (8.7cm) long and weighs about 1.52 ounces (43 grams)

The Basics

My age:  39
David's age:  44
My son, Mason: 22 (23 in June)
My son, Jerry:  20 (21 in May)

Began trying to have a baby:  October 2008
Began fertility shots / IUI:  September 2009
Began fertility shots / IVF:  January 2010

First Pregnancy:  Natural - June 2008 --- Miscarriage without hearing heartbeat at 8.5 weeks
Other Pregnancies:  Several very early losses, or chemical pregnancies (loss before 6 weeks)
Of Note:  Two early miscarriages resulted in blighted ovums, back to back in 2010

Current Pregnancy Stats

October 12, 2010  Egg Retrieval (when they took the eggs from my ovaries and fertilized them with David's sperm)
October 17, 2010 Embryo Transfer (replaced the fertilized eggs (embryos) back into my womb)

7 weeks, 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead and has a wonderful healthy heartbeat at 139
9 weeks 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead, is very active, and has a heartbeat of 170

Official Due Date:  July 5, 2011

In my 12th Week

What's happened in my 12th week....


For one thing, I went to my first pre-natal appointment.  Didn't get to see my doctor (he's not back until the 29th) but I did get my blood work and nurse's appointment all taken care of.  It was kind of surreal... as if I didn't actually belong there or something.  Never had a pre-natal appointment since about October of 1999!  They gave me a copy of "Baby's Best Chance" which brought back memories of my first pregnancies.  It's a very basic book on pregnancy and childbirth.  Kind of neat but not really the in-depth stuff I'm used to researching.


I've also started to show a bit, or at least seriously thicken up.  I have one pair of maternity jeans that I seem to be wearing more and more.  My regular jeans fit in the mornings but in the evenings start to be so uncomfortable that I am unbuttoning at work!!


I listen to the heartbeat for about 30 seconds in the morning and again in the evening.  Baby is located about an inch to the right and about an inch above my pubic bone.  I find him right away (or her?)... the heartbeat is strong, even and measures between 150 and 160 bpm.  The baby often moves away from the doppler which is really freaky.  To think there is something 2.5 inches long moving around inside my body and I have no sensation of it being there.... it's freaky!


I am getting bouts of maternal protectiveness, but not overwhelming and not all day.  I'm not glowing, nor am I walking around with a hand on my tummy, and I'm not sharing my news with strangers.  I have moments of tenderness and realization and fascination and worry.  


As per my agreement with my husband, I am ceasing my chronic work-a-holic ways as much as I can and actually sticking to a 8 or 9 hour workday with a couple days (or at least half days) off each week.  I even went to Costco and stocked up on freezer-to-oven meals, which is totally unlike me - the passionate cook - so that I would actually eat in the evenings.  This has all made a huge difference for my level of restfulness and emotional ease.  I'm taking my pre-natals daily and getting plenty of liquids.


I'm feeling a LOT more energetic these days which is awesome - most likely a result of ending the first trimester and ending the progesterone supplements *and* taking it a lot easier on myself.  I'm not scrubbing windows and toilets, but I am getting more chores done and taking care of myself more, which is great for my emotional well being.  I still have a couch full of gifts that need wrapping - a Sunday project in the making.


Okay.. so this has gone from a fertility blog to a pregnancy blog.  It's different... I love it, but it's different!

Week Twelve: Fingernails and toenails appear

You are 12 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 10 weeks) The fetus is now about 2.5 inches (6cm) length and weighs about 0.7 ounce (20 g). The feet are almost half an inch (1cm) long. The fetus starts moving spontaneously. The face is beginning to look like a baby's face. The pancreas is functioning and producing insulin. Fingernails and toenails appear. The baby can suck his thumb, and get hiccups. From this week you may well be able to hear the baby's heart beat through a doppler monitor on your tummy. You will notice that the rate is up to 160 a minute, double that of a normal adult. Your baby now has a chin and a nose and a facial profile. Vocal chords are complete, and the baby can and does sometimes cry silently. The brain is fully formed, and the baby can also feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers. The hair is on the head and the fingers and toes have developed soft nails. The kidneys are developed and begin to secrete urine. Your baby weighs between 0.5 and 0.7 ounce (14 to 20g), and crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches (63mm). Your baby's size has almost doubled in the past 3 weeks.

10Weeks 4Days

I posted the two very interesting bits of information below because I am in between 10 weeks and 11weeks.  And baby is measuring a couple days ahead so I thought this would be a cool way to compare what's happening!

David and I just returned from a trip to Calgary.  He had business meetings and really wanted me to go.  Needing his company all to myself and seeing a chance to get some much needed Christmas shopping in, I was happy to be able to go with him.  

We thought this Christmas Season would be totally shared together, but we got news that he has to go to Fort MacMurray (aka Hell frozen over) on the 15th... He's hoping to be back on the 22nd for our big family Christmas Dinner before our kids go South for Christmas with their girlfriends' parents.  Sigh.  I really had wanted this time with him.  However, I have to find gratitude in this, and be thankful that he has such an excellent career and is well paid for his time away from us all.  

This is a stupidly busy time at the shop, so my Christmas preparations (that David was helping with SO much) will come to somewhat of a halt as a result of me being a) swamped at work and b) so tired I could lay down in the driveway and sleep!

I totally cheated today and went to Costco with David... and in a matter of an hour got all my Christmas "baking" done, all my Christmas "appetizers" made, and some great "easy" meals all ready as well.  haha!  Let's just say my freezer is full.  One of my passions is cooking, but I won't have the time or energy this season.  Jeez... I hardly have energy to cook for myself.. so buying a few convenient foods to throw from freezer to oven is just going to have to do.  It's better than not eating at all, right?  

The trip was good, although I have officially outgrown my regular jeans.  I was miserable in the evenings.  It's uncomfortable to do up my jeans in the morning, by the time evening rolls around, and I am bloated, miserable and looking five months' pregnant - I can't even bear the thought of that stupid zipper being done up.  I went into a maternity clothing store but didn't have enough energy to go through the process of trying stuff on.  *laugh*

I have such an amazing appreciation for the people in my life who are so excited and supportive of me and this pregnancy.  I became simply overwhelmed with gratitude for the family and friends who have been there for us when things were sad.. and then were so overjoyed and excited when we finally got such great news.  I've already had gifts given to us, many letters of congratulations, and even daily phone calls or FB messages asking about how I'm feeling or giving us baby name suggestions!  I know that thousands (millions) of women get pregnant all the time, but this baby was fought for and we endured so many losses time and again, that this pregnancy seems to be a bit more of a big deal for us, and I don't mind soaking up the positive energy!  

David is beyond amazing.  Not only is he helping with more than his share of the housework and shopping, insisting that I nap, rest, sleep, take my beloved hot baths... but he does all of this without my asking or even hinting.  He has been a true husband and partner through these first physically and emotionally draining few months and I was in tears of appreciation for him this evening.... in part realizing he will soon be gone and this will all be on my shoulders again.  

On another note, we are nearly to our second trimester!  I know that we've passed all the HUGE milestones and our chances of miscarriage have shrunk to about 4%, but there is something mentally reassuring about finishing the 12th week.... That magical date is December 20th, a measly nine days away.  

Oh, and we are finding the baby's heartbeat with very little trouble now!  At first I kept getting my own, but with practice and patience, and endless probing about my midsection I have become quite good at finding the undeniable, quick heartbeat of our little one.  Sometimes it only lasts for 5 seconds or so, because of the baby's activity.  So amazing....

Week Ten: Embryo is now a Fetus Nov 30 - Dec 6

You are 10 weeks pregnant. (eight weeks after conception) From this week until birth, the developing organism is called a fetus. The fetus is now the size of a small strawberry. The feet are 2mm long (one tenth of an inch). The neck is beginning to take shape. The body muscles are almost developed. Baby has begun movement. While still too small for you to feel, your little one is wriggling and shifting. The jaws are in place. The mouth cavity and the nose are joined. The ears and nose can now be seen clearly. Fingerprints are already evident in the skin. Nipples and hair follicles begin to form. The unborn baby is now called a fetus. Though the fetus is constantly moving, you will not be able to actually feel fetal movement for several more weeks. All of the organs, muscles, and nerves are in place and beginning to function. As the hands and feet develop fingers and toes, they have lost their paddle like look. The touch pads on the fingers form and already have fingerprints. During this week of pregnancy the crown to rump length of the fetus is 0.9 inch to 1.2 inches (22 to 30mm), weight 0.07 ounce (2gm). They are now on the way to forming their testicles or ovaries, getting ready for the next generation. Until the ninth week of fetus development, the fetal reproductive apparatus is the same one for the both sexes. The head is still large and curves into chest. Each week your uterus grows larger with the baby growing inside it. You may begin to see your waistline growing thicker by this time. A pelvic exam will detect that your uterus has grown from it's normal, size of your fist, to a little bigger than a grapefruit.

Week Eleven: Neurons multiply - Dec 7 - Dec 14

You are 11 weeks pregnant. (nine weeks after conception) The fetus CRL is about 1.5 inches (35mm) in size. The fingers and toes have completely separated. The taste buds are starting to develop. Baby has tooth buds, the beginning of the complete set of 20 milk teeth. Baby can swallow and stick out his or her tongue. Whole body except tongue is sensitive to touch. Cartilage now calcifying to become bone. If it is a boy, the testicles are starting to produce the testosterone hormone. The baby has an upper lip, toes and ears and twenty little teeth are now forming. The brain is growing rapidly and producing more than 250,000 nerve cells a minute. The heart is almost completely developed and very much resembles that of a newborn baby. An opening the atrium of the heart and the presence of a bypass valve divert much of the blood away from the lungs, as the child's blood is oxygenated through the placenta. The eyelids have fused shut and will not open again until around week 27. The wrists and ankles have formed and the fingers and toes are clearly visible. Genitals have begun to form, but it is too early to tell the sex of the fetus. By this week of the pregnancy the placenta has developed enough to support most of the critical job of producing hormones. By the 10th week of pregnancy, the crown to rump length of your growing baby is about 1.5 inches (35mm). The baby weighs close to 0.18 ounce (5g) and is the size of a small plum.

  

9 Weeks Pregnant

You've got to use a bit of imagination... the head takes up nearly half of the baby.. it's little chin is tucked up into it's chest, the dark spot at the top of the head is the developing brain - the photo makes it look like the head is forked... but you can see how cute and round it is on the bottom photo!  

Only an inch long, but we could see the tiny arm and leg buds waving around and the body wriggling back and forth.  The heartbeat was so nice and strong, and baby measured two days ahead.

8w5d

Well..... today's kind of a big day.  This is the stage that we endured the loss of our first pregnancy.  Of course, I don't know to the day that we got pregnant that time, but 8w5d is where the doctors pegged our miscarriage, so it's been heavy on my mind this past week.

Of course, so many things are different.  We have a confirmed heartbeat (huge plus!!), and have witnessed our little one on ultrasound, measured him and he measured big (another huge plus!!), and there has been not even a trace of cramps or spotting.  Yes, another big check in the 'plus' column.

I will tell you, though, this little one is making himself known to his mama.  My stomach still feels tight and heavy, and I have learned to move slowly and with purpose because of the sharp tearing pain that jumps out if I don't.  I don't have a lot of other symptoms, I get much more hungry than I ever have, which is new because I underwent lap band surgery ten years ago and usually eat about 1/2 of what a non-banded person eats.  I'm pretty much up to full portions!  And if I don't eat, I start to get nauseas.  Not to the point of throwing up, but to the point of gagging and feeling lousy.  I'm used to eating lunch at around 11 am... then dinner at 8 or 9 at night.

I'm actually making myself a real breakfast (and I don't usually like breakfast food) at 9, then eating an actual lunch around 1 and dinner around 7 pm.  I am really enjoying eating!

The other major symptom I have is exhaustion.  I have half the energy I usually do.  Here's a brief (couldn't find my favorite) article on early pregnancy fatigue:

One of the most common symptoms of early pregnancy is fatigue.

During the early stages of pregnancy, your body is trying to work double time in order to keep up with all of the changes that are occurring. Some of the changes that are occurring include an increase production of hormones, as well as an increased blood flow. Along with the increased blood flow, the heart is pumping faster and harder to accommodate the additional blood flow. The increased blood is necessary in order for the growing fetus to get the nutrients it needs.

One of the primary reasons for extreme fatigue during early pregnancy is due to the increased production of progesterone. Progesterone is known to cause you to become sleepy as well as a natural depressant for the nervous system.

Another reason that can be attributed to fatigue during early pregnancy is because of all the extreme emotions that occur when a woman is pregnant. It is quite common for a pregnant woman to start crying to no other reason than a surge of hormones in her body.

Extreme fatigue is also a cue for a pregnant woman to get as much sleep as possible, before the arrival of the new baby. The body needs to be well rested for the upcoming labor and birth. As well, it is quite common for a new mother to get very little sleep after the new baby arrives.

If you are suffering from early signs of morning sickness, this can also contribute to fatigue during early pregnancy. Nausea and even vomiting can make a person feel extremely run down and exhausted.

Other than those few things, none of which are nearly as dramatic as heaving the last drop of moisture out of the depths of my stomach, my head much closer to a toilet seat than is reasonably germilogically safe, I feel pretty good.  Some annoying mood swings, but I've been on so many hormones over the past 18 months that I couldn't tell you that my short lived dramatic fits are anything my family is noticing more now than before.  

I do feel very protective over this pregnancy.  I'm pretty sure that's normal for any mother, much less one who has lost so many pregnancies over the past three years.  I had a family member refer to the baby as 'our baby' and it triggered a great deal of emotion for me.  Although others might view this baby as being 'their' baby, I'm really enjoying David and I wrapping ourselves around this little life.  We've been essentially on our own when it comes to the mourning, the finances, the pain (physical and emotional), the travel, and the endless, suspenseful waiting. Now that things are going well, it's sort of hard to include others on the journey, when we're so used to being on our own.  I'm sure this feeling will subside as the pregnancy continues, and the baby comes... but for now... it's a little difficult to suddenly share.

Ultrasound number two will be on December 1st, next Wednesday.  I'm truly excited.  Of course there's a tiny bit of anxiety, but not a great deal.  I'll keep you updated, most likely posting a new photo next week!!

Settling In

Well it's been five days since our ultrasound.  The baby, measuring 11mm at the time, should now be up to a whopping 16mm, or just over 1/2 an inch long.  That's about the size of a raspberry.  (If you ever google raspberry you'll come across some really amazing photos with yummy raspberries so beware.)

This is about how big our baby is at 8 weeks.

David and I have, of course, been talking a lot about what's going on inside my uterus.  I said it felt kind of strange to have this little worm-like thing inside me, with a heartbeat and everything, and then I put my arms hands up to my chest and kind of flapped them like a T-Rex and made a strange sound to convey what my image of what was inside me looked like.  David, horrified, said that he hoped to God that our baby would not have flippers and making a gahhh-gahhh sound.  Hey.  A sense of humour is seriously required in all this baby-making process.  

As cute as that raspberry is, this is more likely what the baby looks like at this stage.  I personally love the big square head and remainder of a tail.  And yes, it does have flippers.

Honestly, although I do feel a bit strange knowing there is something alive inside me, literally attached to me and feeding off my body, I also feel an extremely strong protectiveness towards it.  I like knowing that I'm wrapped around this little life, that my flesh protects it, and that I am aware.  And there is a sense of anti-clamatic settling in, a feeling of 'now what?' to our day to day life.  We are so conditioned to spending this time healing, mourning, finding strength to smile, employing our tried and true methods of coping.  Now... this is new territory... this pure waiting and simply going about the business of being pregnant.  

It's wonderful.

We are getting another ultrasound in about ten days or so.  I'll know the actual date tomorrow.  Maybe I should be more scared than I am; perhaps I should be worried about the heartbeat or the size of the fetus.  But I'm not.  Not really.  

All my exhaustive research assures me that every good sign we could have in front of us, is there.  Most of all, it just feels right.

The most surprising thing is realizing how far along we already are.  We didn't allow ourselves to accept the pregnancy until it was almost a quarter of the way through.  Now I get to see the baby with arms and legs at the next ultrasound, and I get to look forward to hearing the heartbeat on our own doppler in just a few short weeks.  The first trimester ends in mid-December.  

Heartbeat!!

A beautiful tiny white flicker... like a blinking star.  I could have stared at the ultrasound forever.   The baby... I can say that now... the baby had a heartbeat of 139, and measured two days bigger than the 7w1d that he actually is.

To say that we were nervous is an understatement.  How many times had we been that far.  We sat in the parking lot enjoying the last few moments of hope before heading to the lab. Against protocol, they allowed David in the room for the entire exam.   I couldn't see the screen.  David could, but he didn't know what he was looking at... except afterwards he said that he knew what an empty sac looked like, and this sac wasn't empty.  He didn't want to say anything because he didn't know if everything was okay.

Quietly the tech did her measuring and then she whispered, "There's a heartbeat."

I think I asked her to repeat herself at least three times.

We are in shock.  We're so used to mourning and finding strength to move on at this point that this is totally new territory.  We don't know what to think, what to do next, or how to handle this.  

David was freaked out when he realized I was almost two months pregnant already.  He kind of thought that the heartbeat was the starting point... and when I said we only have seven more months to go he was taken aback.  

Our first trimester ends on December 20th, I believe.  I'll be happy when that day is gone; for now I am just thrilled that our chances for a healthy birth have just skyrocketed!!!