my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Blogging Again

I started blogging a few years ago.... on MySpace.... had some interesting things come of it, including a good friend whom I actually got to meet in person.

The best thing that came of it was a deep understanding of who I was. Writing at that time was a terrifying experience. It was most likely one of the first steps I was able to take in releasing myself from a very abusive relationship. I am still taking those steps, although to anyone who does not see me in the mirror would never suspect that.

My past bothers me more than anything else. It bothers me that I can't shake it completely, it's like an annoying shadow that never really leaves regardless of how much light I find. It bothers me that I can't relate to how I was, who I was in the past, but mostly it bothers me that I own it. I always will. I can't shake it any more than I can shake the sound of my voice or the scar across the back of my wrist. My past is part of me, and that's what bothers me the most about it.

I love who I am. I love the person I have become. I even love the not-loveable parts of me, as I try to slowly make those parts fade away to something, someone gentler, kinder, more understanding and more accepting. Much of this discovery, this... smoothing over my rough edges, have been realized through writing.

For those of who you think that loving yourself is pretty damn self-centered... it is. It's Self centered and it's ridiculous to go through life thinking you can be anything but. You start centering your Self around other people and you won't know who You are in a very short time. Life needs you at the wheel, taking care of the vessel you're aiming down the road through time. My life has never been better since I started focusing on my Self.

My fiance and my sons and my mom are the most important people in my world! They have stood by me and taught me and loved me regardless of how horrid I have acted, how self-centered (in a bad way!) I've behaved... and I thank them mostly by not going there again.

So.... with that little bit about me... A snapshot of the past, a flash of the future, more questions than answers in a few hundred words.... the new focus of my life happens to be... my Life.

Slow down. Relax. Words I'd never say to myself. Until this Christmas. I went through my second 'chemical' pregnancy and first 'early miscarriage' last year. Ugh. It was a wakeup call. Until I can carry a baby, I can't really *have* a baby! Until my life slows down, finds a comfortable stride and finds it's Self... Baby D just didn't have a space to be in it.

Well that's all changed now. I've changed. Now I'm just working on changing my environment. Excited about my upcoming motherhood. Excited about not being so excited all the time. About weekends off. About spending time with my family, my friends, my Self, Baby D, and most of all... Big D!

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