my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

3D Ultrasound

And... we couldn't resist...

David and I are going to have another SON!!!

This is our baby boy.... He's still a fetus, just 16weeks 6days old, but already long, strong and beautiful!
Okay... I know he'll really appreciate this when he's 16, but I can't resist... the imagery is just so amazing.  We cried when we found out we are having a son.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Different Kind of Blogging

It's not epic.

It's not dark, sad or very moving at all.

I am not ashamed to clearly admit that I am much more inspired by pain or heartache than by normalcy or joy.  It's often the case with someone who writes.  My writing is exceptionally self serving... it's an outlet for pain, an expression of despair, a silent cry poured out through my fingers.

And it's been months since I've needed that outlet.  There are no mind numbing episodes of bleeding, no gut wrenching cramps or abnormal ultrasounds.

There's just me, and the baby in perfect harmony.  Like it was all meant to be, all along.  I always secretly held onto the belief that our losses were only physical.  The soul of our child kept having to wait patiently for the perfect time for us to be the perfect parents that s/he needed.... for the perfect body for s/he to spend an entire lifetime gracing our world in.   This baby feels natural, and my body has wrapped itself softly around it with a sureness and comfort unlike anything I've known.

And so my need to write is numb.  Thankfully.  Instead I lay at night, my hands gently cradling my growing belly, and feel our baby exploring the world inside me.  The nudges, pokes and rippling are gentle reminders of life, becoming aware of itself and the world around it.  Energy, with a soul learning about its new earth bound body.

We're just finished our 16th week.

Week Seventeen: Fat accumulates

You are 17 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 15 weeks)
  • The umbilical cord is growing thicker and stronger.
  • Fetus weight is just over 5 ounces (150g).
  • Baby is about 5 inches (14cm) long crown to rump.
  • and would be about 9 inches (23cm) head to toe, if it could stretch out.
  • The retina has become sensitive to light.
  • The first stools (meconium) are now beginning to accumulate.
They recycle the amniotic fluid by swallowing up to a litre a day. Meconium (composed of products of cell loss, digestive secretion and swallowed amniotic fluid), is accumulating in the bowel. Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth.

Baby's eyes are looking forward now, but they are still firmly closed. The skeleton is tranforming from cartilage to bone. The bones remain flexible to make the journey through the birth canal easier. You can feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways and measure, it is about two finger-widths (1 inch) below your bellybutton. Your uterus is the size of a cantaloupe.

The crown to rump length of your growing baby is 5 to 5.6 inches (12.5 to 14cm) by this week. Weight of the fetus is about 5.25 ounces (150g).

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I Can't Stop!


So I think I solved my issue... you can check out the Wilson Baby Blog if you want the watered down, politically correct, baby / pregnancy related version of what is happening in my womb.

But this space has been claimed as my own personal online diary that writes back, and I'm just going to write whatever I freaking well want to here, as I always have.


How am I feeling.....


I can't say that my first trimester was difficult, but since I slept through most of it I could be wrong.  I was coming home from work and crawling into David's easy chair within moments.  Shortly thereafter I could be identified as the drooling, snoring member of the family, responding to very little outside stimulation.  I was so tired I skipped my nightly bath, and was even skipping supper for a while.  Except I discovered that skipping meals lead to sudden, violent onslaughts of excessive gagging and dry heaving.

My second trimester has been a lot easier so far.  I've got a lot more energy and am eating more normally.  Thankfully I have only gained a couple pounds (the doctor says I've actually lost weight, but my scales say I've gained about three).  I am still tired but not suffering from near narcolepsy.  I had really shocking RLP in the first few weeks of pregnancy, even before we got our positive beta test... the doctor was shocked and said he's never heard of it occurring that early.  Well, it's back and I find myself doubling over, holding my tummy if I feel the need to laugh, or cough, or sneeze.  I move very slowly when I get up from a chair or roll over in bed.  I like the feeling because I know things are growing!!

Oh, and at about 11 weeks I got fat.  Not a cute little bump like the beautiful, skinny women get, but an overall increase in my already slightly rounded belly.  I have a fairly flat tummy with great muscles, but am one of those lucky women who got that little bit of baby fat the first time around and never, ever got rid of it.  So while my uterus was growing and rising, I wasn't really getting that poking out, rather the inch and a half of flabby belly being pushed up and out.  Sigh.  I'm getting my belly flap sliced off once I'm all done hosting children inside my belly... no doubt about it!

I digress.  Back to getting fat.  My jeans were uncomfortable.  Cutting into me, and making me feel like I'd gained 20 lbs even though the scale said I was the same.  I was bloating badly as well, so at night I looked 5 months pregnant and felt 8.  So I started wearing a lovely device called a hair elastic around my snap, with my zipper at half mast.  That's okay for my stretchy jeans, as long as I have a shirt long enough to cover the gaping zipper.  But my less stretchy jeans still didn't feel that great.  I was getting grouchy and annoyed by mid-afternoon.

I got maternity pants.  Oh my god is there anything more comfortable than a three inch wide elastic band, gently caressing my swollen stomach?  I love them!!!

I honestly think I am starting to actually show a bit, now.  Of course you can't tell with my clothes on, and shirt down, but if I am wearing just panties or a pair of yoga pants, I can see a cute little swelling and not just a general increase in roundness.


I'm starting to warm up to being a pregnant woman.  I was in disbelief and worry the first few weeks, and then too tired and sick to really feel anything the next few weeks.  Then I got fat and that sucked, and then Christmas came and I was too busy to think about the baby or being a mommy... not real, serious, deep thought, anyhow

But now I'm starting to really sink into the 'glowy' part of being pregnant.  I feel physically and emotionally full... sated might be a better word.  The only thing I can compare it to is the warm, dreamy, liquid blanket that covers you after making love, you know, when the room is dark and heavy and your lover is close?  I have a deep feeling of connection to David, and to the baby, and even to my two grown sons, knowing I am carrying their sibling.  I have a deep feeling of connection to myself.  A connection to the new life that's squirming and growing and safe deep inside the most secret part of me.

And I'm excited.  Excited to make my amazing friend and husband a father.  Excited that we didn't give up... Excited.  Happy.  Joy-Full

And not going to stop writing my real, raw, politically un-correct but honest feelings.