my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, December 31, 2010

14 Weeks Pregnant





video

This is the baby's heartbeat... I get to hear this amazing song every night!!!

The blog is changing... I'm not sure this is the right place for what I'm writing about.  This blog was a huge place for me to express myself - to be honest, and to say whatever I was feeling, no matter how 'right' or 'wrong' it was at the time.  It was just real.  Writing for me is therapy, it's a way to let the emotion out, pouring it through my fingertips onto a screen and releasing me from whatever was binding.

One of the most difficult things to do when you write is to write freely.  I've always known the blog was public, and there was a certain risk in saying what I was feeling... but lately I've become aware that some of my words had a personal impact on people in my life.  I didn't say anything here that I didn't express to them directly, and it's virtually impossible for anyone else to figure out what or whom I was referring to, as I never discussed the incident outside my marriage... yet seeing it in black and white had a more profound impact, and feelings were hurt.

Now, I find it impossible to write about anything real.  I don't want to update the posts... and I feel guilty because I get emails asking me to do so.   I have tons of feeling, and emotions, and stories that I want to share but I'm unable to.... 

This blog was an emotional lifeline through one of the toughest times of my life.  I don't want to let it go, but it feels like the line has been cut.  I'm considering creating a baby blog so those people who don't wish to read my personal posts can still get baby updates.... but will I ever really be able to write about all that I write about?  Sex?  Personal issues?  Frustrations?  The details on medical information?  Fears? Being totally open and raw and real?  Being open and raw and real is therapy for me if it's safe... but being open and raw and real when I feel vulnerable is a totally different story!

Anyhow... I need to think about it....  Here's the latest update on baby.... Oh, and I'm feeling great... get tired from time to time but otherwise... great!


Week Fourteen: Hormones start up

  
You are 14 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 12 weeks)
  • The fetus is 3 and half inches (9cm) long.
  • Weight is about 1 and half ounces (45 grams).
  • The eyes are slowly moving towards the centre of the face.
  • The nose is more pronounced. The ears are fully developed.
  • The cheekbones are visible. The first hair is appearing.
  • The kidneys are producing urine.
  • In girls, the ovaries are moving down towards the pelvis.
  • In boys, the prostate gland is developing.
  • For girls, the ovaries move into the pelvis.
14 weeksYour baby now is peeing into the amniotic fluid round itself as well as making breathing movements. With the effect of hormones, the boys now have a prostate gland. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis. During this week of pregnancy the head and eyebrow hair develops.

Your child's bones are getting harder and stronger by the day. Your baby's skin is very transparent still. Lanugo (very fine hair) covers the baby's body and will continue to grow until 26 weeks gestational age - Generally this will be shed prior to birth. Its purpose is to help protect baby's skin while in all that water.

As your baby grows, your uterus and placenta are also growing. Six weeks ago, your uterus weighed 5 ounces (140 g). Now, it weighs about 8.75 ounces (250g). The amount of amniotic fluid around the baby is also increasing. There is now about 7.5 ounces (250ml) of fluid. You can easily feel your uterus about 3 inches (7.6cm) below your bellybutton.

Your baby is 3.42 inches (8.7cm) long and weighs about 1.52 ounces (43 grams)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Basics

My age:  39
David's age:  44
My son, Mason: 22 (23 in June)
My son, Jerry:  20 (21 in May)

Began trying to have a baby:  October 2008
Began fertility shots / IUI:  September 2009
Began fertility shots / IVF:  January 2010

First Pregnancy:  Natural - June 2008 --- Miscarriage without hearing heartbeat at 8.5 weeks
Other Pregnancies:  Several very early losses, or chemical pregnancies (loss before 6 weeks)
Of Note:  Two early miscarriages resulted in blighted ovums, back to back in 2010

Current Pregnancy Stats

October 12, 2010  Egg Retrieval (when they took the eggs from my ovaries and fertilized them with David's sperm)
October 17, 2010 Embryo Transfer (replaced the fertilized eggs (embryos) back into my womb)

7 weeks, 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead and has a wonderful healthy heartbeat at 139
9 weeks 1 day ultrasound - Baby measures two days ahead, is very active, and has a heartbeat of 170

Official Due Date:  July 5, 2011

Friday, December 17, 2010

In my 12th Week

What's happened in my 12th week....


For one thing, I went to my first pre-natal appointment.  Didn't get to see my doctor (he's not back until the 29th) but I did get my blood work and nurse's appointment all taken care of.  It was kind of surreal... as if I didn't actually belong there or something.  Never had a pre-natal appointment since about October of 1999!  They gave me a copy of "Baby's Best Chance" which brought back memories of my first pregnancies.  It's a very basic book on pregnancy and childbirth.  Kind of neat but not really the in-depth stuff I'm used to researching.


I've also started to show a bit, or at least seriously thicken up.  I have one pair of maternity jeans that I seem to be wearing more and more.  My regular jeans fit in the mornings but in the evenings start to be so uncomfortable that I am unbuttoning at work!!


I listen to the heartbeat for about 30 seconds in the morning and again in the evening.  Baby is located about an inch to the right and about an inch above my pubic bone.  I find him right away (or her?)... the heartbeat is strong, even and measures between 150 and 160 bpm.  The baby often moves away from the doppler which is really freaky.  To think there is something 2.5 inches long moving around inside my body and I have no sensation of it being there.... it's freaky!


I am getting bouts of maternal protectiveness, but not overwhelming and not all day.  I'm not glowing, nor am I walking around with a hand on my tummy, and I'm not sharing my news with strangers.  I have moments of tenderness and realization and fascination and worry.  


As per my agreement with my husband, I am ceasing my chronic work-a-holic ways as much as I can and actually sticking to a 8 or 9 hour workday with a couple days (or at least half days) off each week.  I even went to Costco and stocked up on freezer-to-oven meals, which is totally unlike me - the passionate cook - so that I would actually eat in the evenings.  This has all made a huge difference for my level of restfulness and emotional ease.  I'm taking my pre-natals daily and getting plenty of liquids.


I'm feeling a LOT more energetic these days which is awesome - most likely a result of ending the first trimester and ending the progesterone supplements *and* taking it a lot easier on myself.  I'm not scrubbing windows and toilets, but I am getting more chores done and taking care of myself more, which is great for my emotional well being.  I still have a couch full of gifts that need wrapping - a Sunday project in the making.


Okay.. so this has gone from a fertility blog to a pregnancy blog.  It's different... I love it, but it's different!



Week Twelve: Fingernails and toenails appear

  
You are 12 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 10 weeks)
  • The fetus is now about 2.5 inches (6cm) length and weighs about 0.7 ounce (20 g).
  • The feet are almost half an inch (1cm) long.
  • The fetus starts moving spontaneously.
  • The face is beginning to look like a baby's face.
  • The pancreas is functioning and producing insulin.
  • Fingernails and toenails appear.
  • The baby can suck his thumb, and get hiccups.
12 weeksFrom this week you may well be able to hear the baby's heart beat through a doppler monitor on your tummy. You will notice that the rate is up to 160 a minute, double that of a normal adult.

Your baby now has a chin and a nose and a facial profile. Vocal chords are complete, and the baby can and does sometimes cry silently. The brain is fully formed, and the baby can also feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb.

The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers. The hair is on the head and the fingers and toes have developed soft nails. The kidneys are developed and begin to secrete urine.

Your baby weighs between 0.5 and 0.7 ounce (14 to 20g), and crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches (63mm). Your baby's size has almost doubled in the past 3 weeks.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

10Weeks 4Days

I posted the two very interesting bits of information below because I am in between 10 weeks and 11weeks.  And baby is measuring a couple days ahead so I thought this would be a cool way to compare what's happening!

David and I just returned from a trip to Calgary.  He had business meetings and really wanted me to go.  Needing his company all to myself and seeing a chance to get some much needed Christmas shopping in, I was happy to be able to go with him.  

We thought this Christmas Season would be totally shared together, but we got news that he has to go to Fort MacMurray (aka Hell frozen over) on the 15th... He's hoping to be back on the 22nd for our big family Christmas Dinner before our kids go South for Christmas with their girlfriends' parents.  Sigh.  I really had wanted this time with him.  However, I have to find gratitude in this, and be thankful that he has such an excellent career and is well paid for his time away from us all.  

This is a stupidly busy time at the shop, so my Christmas preparations (that David was helping with SO much) will come to somewhat of a halt as a result of me being a) swamped at work and b) so tired I could lay down in the driveway and sleep!

I totally cheated today and went to Costco with David... and in a matter of an hour got all my Christmas "baking" done, all my Christmas "appetizers" made, and some great "easy" meals all ready as well.  haha!  Let's just say my freezer is full.  One of my passions is cooking, but I won't have the time or energy this season.  Jeez... I hardly have energy to cook for myself.. so buying a few convenient foods to throw from freezer to oven is just going to have to do.  It's better than not eating at all, right?  

The trip was good, although I have officially outgrown my regular jeans.  I was miserable in the evenings.  It's uncomfortable to do up my jeans in the morning, by the time evening rolls around, and I am bloated, miserable and looking five months' pregnant - I can't even bear the thought of that stupid zipper being done up.  I went into a maternity clothing store but didn't have enough energy to go through the process of trying stuff on.  *laugh*

I have such an amazing appreciation for the people in my life who are so excited and supportive of me and this pregnancy.  I became simply overwhelmed with gratitude for the family and friends who have been there for us when things were sad.. and then were so overjoyed and excited when we finally got such great news.  I've already had gifts given to us, many letters of congratulations, and even daily phone calls or FB messages asking about how I'm feeling or giving us baby name suggestions!  I know that thousands (millions) of women get pregnant all the time, but this baby was fought for and we endured so many losses time and again, that this pregnancy seems to be a bit more of a big deal for us, and I don't mind soaking up the positive energy!  

David is beyond amazing.  Not only is he helping with more than his share of the housework and shopping, insisting that I nap, rest, sleep, take my beloved hot baths... but he does all of this without my asking or even hinting.  He has been a true husband and partner through these first physically and emotionally draining few months and I was in tears of appreciation for him this evening.... in part realizing he will soon be gone and this will all be on my shoulders again.  

On another note, we are nearly to our second trimester!  I know that we've passed all the HUGE milestones and our chances of miscarriage have shrunk to about 4%, but there is something mentally reassuring about finishing the 12th week.... That magical date is December 20th, a measly nine days away.  

Oh, and we are finding the baby's heartbeat with very little trouble now!  At first I kept getting my own, but with practice and patience, and endless probing about my midsection I have become quite good at finding the undeniable, quick heartbeat of our little one.  Sometimes it only lasts for 5 seconds or so, because of the baby's activity.  So amazing....





Week Ten: Embryo is now a Fetus Nov 30 - Dec 6

  
You are 10 weeks pregnant. (eight weeks after conception)
  • From this week until birth, the developing organism is called a fetus.
  • The fetus is now the size of a small strawberry.
  • The feet are 2mm long (one tenth of an inch).
  • The neck is beginning to take shape.
  • The body muscles are almost developed. Baby has begun movement.
  • While still too small for you to feel, your little one is wriggling and shifting.
  • The jaws are in place. The mouth cavity and the nose are joined.
  • The ears and nose can now be seen clearly.
  • Fingerprints are already evident in the skin.
  • Nipples and hair follicles begin to form.
8weeks
8 weeks feet8 weeks handsThe unborn baby is now called a fetus. Though the fetus is constantly moving, you will not be able to actually feel fetal movement for several more weeks. All of the organs, muscles, and nerves are in place and beginning to function. As the hands and feet develop fingers and toes, they have lost their paddle like look. The touch pads on the fingers form and already have fingerprints.

During this week of pregnancy the crown to rump length of the fetus is 0.9 inch to 1.2 inches (22 to 30mm), weight 0.07 ounce (2gm). They are now on the way to forming their testicles or ovaries, getting ready for the next generation. Until the ninth week of fetus development, the fetal reproductive apparatus is the same one for the both sexes. The head is still large and curves into chest.

Each week your uterus grows larger with the baby growing inside it. You may begin to see your waistline growing thicker by this time. A pelvic exam will detect that your uterus has grown from it's normal, size of your fist, to a little bigger than a grapefruit.

Week Eleven: Neurons multiply - Dec 7 - Dec 14

  
You are 11 weeks pregnant. (nine weeks after conception)
  • The fetus CRL is about 1.5 inches (35mm) in size.
  • The fingers and toes have completely separated.
  • The taste buds are starting to develop.
  • Baby has tooth buds, the beginning of the complete set of 20 milk teeth.
  • Baby can swallow and stick out his or her tongue.
  • Whole body except tongue is sensitive to touch.
  • Cartilage now calcifying to become bone.
  • If it is a boy, the testicles are starting to produce the testosterone hormone.
10 weeksThe baby has an upper lip, toes and ears and twenty little teeth are now forming. The brain is growing rapidly and producing more than 250,000 nerve cells a minute. The heart is almost completely developed and very much resembles that of a newborn baby. An opening the atrium of the heart and the presence of a bypass valve divert much of the blood away from the lungs, as the child's blood is oxygenated through the placenta.

The eyelids have fused shut and will not open again until around week 27. The wrists and ankles have formed and the fingers and toes are clearly visible. Genitals have begun to form, but it is too early to tell the sex of the fetus. By this week of the pregnancy the placenta has developed enough to support most of the critical job of producing hormones.

By the 10th week of pregnancy, the crown to rump length of your growing baby is about 1.5 inches (35mm). The baby weighs close to 0.18 ounce (5g) and is the size of a small plum.


  

Thursday, December 2, 2010

9 Weeks Pregnant

You've got to use a bit of imagination... the head takes up nearly half of the baby.. it's little chin is tucked up into it's chest, the dark spot at the top of the head is the developing brain - the photo makes it look like the head is forked... but you can see how cute and round it is on the bottom photo!  

Only an inch long, but we could see the tiny arm and leg buds waving around and the body wriggling back and forth.  The heartbeat was so nice and strong, and baby measured two days ahead.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

8w5d

Well..... today's kind of a big day.  This is the stage that we endured the loss of our first pregnancy.  Of course, I don't know to the day that we got pregnant that time, but 8w5d is where the doctors pegged our miscarriage, so it's been heavy on my mind this past week.

Of course, so many things are different.  We have a confirmed heartbeat (huge plus!!), and have witnessed our little one on ultrasound, measured him and he measured big (another huge plus!!), and there has been not even a trace of cramps or spotting.  Yes, another big check in the 'plus' column.

I will tell you, though, this little one is making himself known to his mama.  My stomach still feels tight and heavy, and I have learned to move slowly and with purpose because of the sharp tearing pain that jumps out if I don't.  I don't have a lot of other symptoms, I get much more hungry than I ever have, which is new because I underwent lap band surgery ten years ago and usually eat about 1/2 of what a non-banded person eats.  I'm pretty much up to full portions!  And if I don't eat, I start to get nauseas.  Not to the point of throwing up, but to the point of gagging and feeling lousy.  I'm used to eating lunch at around 11 am... then dinner at 8 or 9 at night.

I'm actually making myself a real breakfast (and I don't usually like breakfast food) at 9, then eating an actual lunch around 1 and dinner around 7 pm.  I am really enjoying eating!

The other major symptom I have is exhaustion.  I have half the energy I usually do.  Here's a brief (couldn't find my favorite) article on early pregnancy fatigue:


One of the most common symptoms of early pregnancy is fatigue.
During the early stages of pregnancy, your body is trying to work double time in order to keep up with all of the changes that are occurring. Some of the changes that are occurring include an increase production of hormones, as well as an increased blood flow. Along with the increased blood flow, the heart is pumping faster and harder to accommodate the additional blood flow. The increased blood is necessary in order for the growing fetus to get the nutrients it needs.
One of the primary reasons for extreme fatigue during early pregnancy is due to the increased production of progesterone. Progesterone is known to cause you to become sleepy as well as a natural depressant for the nervous system.
Another reason that can be attributed to fatigue during early pregnancy is because of all the extreme emotions that occur when a woman is pregnant. It is quite common for a pregnant woman to start crying to no other reason than a surge of hormones in her body.
Extreme fatigue is also a cue for a pregnant woman to get as much sleep as possible, before the arrival of the new baby. The body needs to be well rested for the upcoming labor and birth. As well, it is quite common for a new mother to get very little sleep after the new baby arrives.
If you are suffering from early signs of morning sickness, this can also contribute to fatigue during early pregnancy. Nausea and even vomiting can make a person feel extremely run down and exhausted.
Other than those few things, none of which are nearly as dramatic as heaving the last drop of moisture out of the depths of my stomach, my head much closer to a toilet seat than is reasonably germilogically safe, I feel pretty good.  Some annoying mood swings, but I've been on so many hormones over the past 18 months that I couldn't tell you that my short lived dramatic fits are anything my family is noticing more now than before.  
I do feel very protective over this pregnancy.  I'm pretty sure that's normal for any mother, much less one who has lost so many pregnancies over the past three years.  I had a family member refer to the baby as 'our baby' and it triggered a great deal of emotion for me.  Although others might view this baby as being 'their' baby, I'm really enjoying David and I wrapping ourselves around this little life.  We've been essentially on our own when it comes to the mourning, the finances, the pain (physical and emotional), the travel, and the endless, suspenseful waiting. Now that things are going well, it's sort of hard to include others on the journey, when we're so used to being on our own.  I'm sure this feeling will subside as the pregnancy continues, and the baby comes... but for now... it's a little difficult to suddenly share.
Ultrasound number two will be on December 1st, next Wednesday.  I'm truly excited.  Of course there's a tiny bit of anxiety, but not a great deal.  I'll keep you updated, most likely posting a new photo next week!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Settling In

Well it's been five days since our ultrasound.  The baby, measuring 11mm at the time, should now be up to a whopping 16mm, or just over 1/2 an inch long.  That's about the size of a raspberry.  (If you ever google raspberry you'll come across some really amazing photos with yummy raspberries so beware.)
This is about how big our baby is at 8 weeks.
David and I have, of course, been talking a lot about what's going on inside my uterus.  I said it felt kind of strange to have this little worm-like thing inside me, with a heartbeat and everything, and then I put my arms hands up to my chest and kind of flapped them like a T-Rex and made a strange sound to convey what my image of what was inside me looked like.  David, horrified, said that he hoped to God that our baby would not have flippers and making a gahhh-gahhh sound.  Hey.  A sense of humour is seriously required in all this baby-making process.  

As cute as that raspberry is, this is more likely what the baby looks like at this stage.  I personally love the big square head and remainder of a tail.  And yes, it does have flippers.

Honestly, although I do feel a bit strange knowing there is something alive inside me, literally attached to me and feeding off my body, I also feel an extremely strong protectiveness towards it.  I like knowing that I'm wrapped around this little life, that my flesh protects it, and that I am aware.  And there is a sense of anti-clamatic settling in, a feeling of 'now what?' to our day to day life.  We are so conditioned to spending this time healing, mourning, finding strength to smile, employing our tried and true methods of coping.  Now... this is new territory... this pure waiting and simply going about the business of being pregnant.  

It's wonderful.

We are getting another ultrasound in about ten days or so.  I'll know the actual date tomorrow.  Maybe I should be more scared than I am; perhaps I should be worried about the heartbeat or the size of the fetus.  But I'm not.  Not really.  

All my exhaustive research assures me that every good sign we could have in front of us, is there.  Most of all, it just feels right.

The most surprising thing is realizing how far along we already are.  We didn't allow ourselves to accept the pregnancy until it was almost a quarter of the way through.  Now I get to see the baby with arms and legs at the next ultrasound, and I get to look forward to hearing the heartbeat on our own doppler in just a few short weeks.  The first trimester ends in mid-December.  


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Heartbeat!!

A beautiful tiny white flicker... like a blinking star.  I could have stared at the ultrasound forever.   The baby... I can say that now... the baby had a heartbeat of 139, and measured two days bigger than the 7w1d that he actually is.

To say that we were nervous is an understatement.  How many times had we been that far.  We sat in the parking lot enjoying the last few moments of hope before heading to the lab. Against protocol, they allowed David in the room for the entire exam.   I couldn't see the screen.  David could, but he didn't know what he was looking at... except afterwards he said that he knew what an empty sac looked like, and this sac wasn't empty.  He didn't want to say anything because he didn't know if everything was okay.

Quietly the tech did her measuring and then she whispered, "There's a heartbeat."

I think I asked her to repeat herself at least three times.


We are in shock.  We're so used to mourning and finding strength to move on at this point that this is totally new territory.  We don't know what to think, what to do next, or how to handle this.  

David was freaked out when he realized I was almost two months pregnant already.  He kind of thought that the heartbeat was the starting point... and when I said we only have seven more months to go he was taken aback.  

Our first trimester ends on December 20th, I believe.  I'll be happy when that day is gone; for now I am just thrilled that our chances for a healthy birth have just skyrocketed!!!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

7 Weeks Pregnant

On Monday I went to the lab....again.  I had another blood draw.  I think that if I didn't get my ultrasound this week my veins would crawl out of my arms and let them die a slow, black, painful death.  They are that sick of being poked.  I actually have a tiny scar in the crook of one elbow from all the needles that go in that spot.  The girls at the lab use it as a marker for my stubborn, deep veins.

It's only when they hit a little nerve that it really hurts.  Sometimes they have to withdraw the needle and push it in four and five times.  Each slow movement brings the glittering point almost out of my flesh, only to begin a slow, searching decent once again.  I'm used to it.  I hardly feel it anymore, although I can now actually feel when they poke into a vein now.  Just from how the needle reacts and the slight pressure a millisecond before.  It's very freeing, like being able to breath after holding your breath too long.

Anyhow.  I went in again to for a beta.  I made it through the weekend, and had no intentions of going until I got to work.  I was virtually useless.  Zip for concentration, less for memory and ability to get anything accomplished.  It's because I knew I could be doing 'something'.  So I went and sat in the freaking waiting room for nearly two hours until I could present my de-flowered arm for yet another wanton round of poking.

I tried to get the result that afternoon.  It's a rare day when my GP's office gets lab results on the same day.  At least I was able to focus and work knowing there was nothing more I could do.

The night was hell.  I stayed up until midnight, then tossed and turns among vivid dreams of dead fish, fast rivers and long hikes through a forest with no real shadows.  CSI-like lighting, everything superficially coloured and glowing from an unknown source of light.  There was no fear, or real emotion, just this platter of dead, rotting, but unscented fish that I had to hide.  At one point I brushed against these white, mushy whisker-like things that were on the fish's faces, and they smeared off on my hand.    I recall thinking I should be sick with the feeling and the smell, but could register neither.

After my successful fish-hiding adventures (I threw them in the river and went along my way), I woke suddenly and completely to a very dark, safe and warm bedroom.  I wasn't alone.  My thoughts were screaming through my head, tumbling along, scratching and biting and clawing for attention.  I kept playing the upcoming telephone call in my head.  I heard the nurse, over and over, with different variations of what was continually the same message.  A slow rise - too slow to be promising, or worse, a drop.  I kept hearing her tell me that my beta had fallen to 10,000.  That it was only 13,000.  And in my head, like a director of a sad movie, I rehearsed how I would feel.  What I would do to go on with my day, my week.  How I would tell David, who didn't know about the beta.  How I would feel about the ultrasound, knowing it was doomed.

Anyhow... it gives you a picture.  Of course I was again useless at work.  I kept calling the GP's office and kept being told to call back in an hour, two hours, after lunch... no results were in.  Finally, the nurse called me back.  I mentally prepared myself and hoped I could remember my lines, so carefully rehearsed a million times, and prayed I could go on with my day.

Then she told me.  Seven, two, nine, eight, four.  That's seventy two thousand, nine hundred and eighty four.  Which is the one thing I did not expect.  72,943.  It had rose more than I could have ever hoped.  It's rising 'ideally'.  I cried at my desk.

I have been in shock all day.  So has David, whom I quickly called and confessed the excellent news to. It's all becoming, step by step, moment by moment... a real possibility.

I know this is not a sure thing.  It's just a good sign.  A really, exceptionally, wonderfully positive real good sign.

Ultrasound - tomorrow at 1:00.  David will be there, I will be there, and hopefully, some new little someone will also be there.

Monday, November 15, 2010

6 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant

Oh how I love writing the title of the posts.  I've never been able to go past seven weeks so far.  Sad, but true.  And yet each and every time I grab onto the hope and swing on it like Jane clinging to Tarzan.  As if my life depended on it.

I had a fear-fit this weekend.  Just the reality of how close the ultimate answer is is freaking me out a bit.  What if it's another blighted ovum?  What if there's no heartbeat?  What if there is?  David and I talked about how 'comfortable' it is to be sad.  How that's what we are used to and know how to handle after three years.  Like a worn, useless glove that fits perfectly.

David and I talked about how positive we are this time, and I worried that we might be setting ourselves up for a bigger fall.  I loved what he said, "I'd rather be happy for a few weeks and then really sad for two days than be worried the entire time and still be sad for two days."

Of course, I combatted my fear with some major attempts at finding medical information online.  I found a great case study.  I then kept on looking and found a very promising article that, among other things, stated this:

Serum hCG values in infertility
Serum hCG values for the diagnosis of early pregnancy in patients undergoing in-vitro fertilization–embryo transfer (IVF-ET) have been studied.13  Serum hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer correlate with pregnancy outcome. In a study of 111 patients with positive quantitative hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer, the following pregnancy outcomes were observed:
  • Levels <300 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 9%
  • Levels 300-600 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 50%
  • Levels >600 mIU/mL, multiple pregnancy rate was 100%
Therefore, in this particular population, quantitative assay results can be used to guide counseling and further evaluation.
Interestingly enough these values refer to hCG levels 14 days past embryo TRANSFER - not RETRIEVAL.   I didn't notice that at first and was a little freaked.. but then when I thought about it, honestly.. not too many of us have more than 300mIU/ml at 14DPO...
The study had a lot more to say, as did the first one.  If you are interested I highly suggest a good read.  You'll have to pick your way through the medical jargon, but if you concentrate and re-read it a few times, you should be able to get some *real* information, not just forum or blog opinions.  
It's very early on Monday morning. I've been up since five when David left for work.  I am contemplating getting another beta this morning but I don't really see the point.  If it's low I will just be in total agony, if it's high I still won't know for sure what's going on until the ultrasound.  Might as well just keep my head in the sand and look forward to Wednesday.  

Friday, November 12, 2010

Major Countdown

It's rather late on Friday night.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  Um. Why am I outlining such obvious facts?  Because I say them over a few times a day so I can keep it straight in my head how long it will be before we get our ultrasound.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Ultrasound Wednesday.

I'm not going to count Saturday since it's practically here.  Three days until our ultrasound.  When I got the date it was eighteen days away.  A lifetime, so it seemed.

I have had major, but short lived bouts of anxiety.  Nothing like before.  I admit that I might simply be better at handling the anxiety, but I'd rather think that my inner-voice is calming me rather than blowing sharp whistles in my ear, a warning that all hell is going to explode when I get that ultrasound.

I don't really feel 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'.  I have an extremely 'tight' feeling in my abdomen, along with the other symptoms in my last post.  But  no real deep intuition or feeling of attachment.  I enjoy talking to David about the ever real possibility of a baby next summer...  yet on the other hand I can imagine what my reaction will be if we are once again let down.

Shrug.  What is, is.  Knowing the truth does not change the truth.

I still pee on an internet cheapie from time to time just for pure entertainment's sake.  The dark purple line  appearing before the pee makes it all the way up to the control line has some freakishly satisfying effect on me.  It's like a drug, one that's available only during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  I admit that I know the test doesn't tell me a god-dammed thing.  I have tens of thousands mIU of hCG flowing through my system - I'd be a freak if the test didn't light up like a christmas tree.  Even if something were wrong, I'd still trigger that test for at least a couple weeks.  Anyhow.  It's fun.  It's cheap and I like it so never mind.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Bitch of A Nurse - Bouncing Back

I'm not sure why I did it.  But I did.  Since we really aren't telling many people we're pregnant (again) because we know we *might* lose it (again), the few people who do know what's going on in my uterus are prone to my bursts of happiness, exciting news updates and general stints of unnecessary blobs of information.

Mostly, those people are the ladies I work with, my sons' girlfriends and my friend, Leah.  

So when we got yet another fabulous beta on Monday, I was kind of overflowing with awe and excitement.  I could not imagine my numbers being five digits long.  And they were.  I was thrilled and overwhelmed...with good reason!

I couldn't help myself, I dialed my clinic in Burnaby and asked to speak to one of the nurses.  She answered the phone (I politely had waiting until near the end of the day, when the clinic is quiet).  I let her know that I had been getting additional betas because I needed the reassurance.   Now, why did I even think I needed to justify my actions to her?  It's my body, my pregnancy, my history, and honestly, I can do whatever the hell I feel like without her permission.  Yet, I found myself tripping over my words, telling her that I had gone around the clinic's protocol and *gasp* gotten more betas *gasp* on my own accord.

I could tell she was unimpressed.  Even when I told her that my 27dpo beta was nearly 20,000.  She was tight lipped (or I imagined she was) and frowning slightly on the other end of the line.   There was a feeling of having to explain why I was happy.  At this point I was feeling stupid and awkward to the core, like when you are 15 and you get enough guts up to talk to the cute boy at school and as soon as you start to speak you realize how utterly dorky and obvious you appear.

"We've just been through so much this year," I explained, "I just want to have a heads up about what to expect so we are prepared..."

Silence.

"We had such low betas last time, and they were slow as well..  I know that it's less likely that we are going to have another blighted ovum with such good numbers this time around," I stammered, hopefully.

Silence.

"Isn't that right.......?" My voice... tiny even to myself.

Finally she spoke.  I wish she hadn't.  

"The reason the clinic does not do beta testing after the fourth week is it is really not useful information.  Anything can happen before the ultrasound and there is really nothing that additional betas tell us.  We do two betas so we can confirm a pregnancy and then we wait until the ultrasound to make sure it's viable."

Silence.

"But I know that blighted ovums are associated with lower betas for the most part.....  my betas are so good... I just wanted to have some reassurance that things might be better this time..." Now I actually sound whiny.  And I'm hating myself for even calling her.  I'm hating myself more for listening to what she's saying.

"As I said, those numbers don't tell us anything," she continues, after letting my pathetic little beg go unnoticed, "we must wait until the ultrasound so we can determine viability.  Betas vary too widely after four weeks for us to be able to tell anything from them."

"Oh, okay." I said.  "I'll just wait until next week then.  Thank you...."

"Was there anything else?" She asks, sweetly.  

"No, I just wanted my numbers noted in the file," I replied, weakly.

After hanging up, it felt like everything around me was falling.  There was a sense of unreality sinking in.  Who was I to get my hopes up?  What made me think I had a right to enjoy one moment of this?  To feel true hope, true wonder at what was happening, to experience part of this journey without the constant feeling of a razor poised neatly at my throat?

I realized that what she said was true.  While low betas are certainly associated with blighted ovums, there are reports (I've scrounged a few) from women on forums (nothing medical that I can find) of women having what sound like normal betas and still having blighted ovums.   I spent several hours working quietly at my desk, sinking into the nurses' words, letting them soak into what had been a happy, positive mental attitude for the past few weeks.  The reality of what the nurse said was like a dark, bloody stain on my day.... on my hope.  

Then, like every other time I've been brought to my knees in the past three years, I started to get pissed off.  I didn't want to be ignorant and have false hope, but I didn't want to take one person's opinion and run with it like it was some kind of golden truth, either.  Just because she has her degree does not mean she knows more about this particular subject than I do.  She sure doesn't care about it as much as I do.  And she sure doesn't know what I know, or what it's like to be in my body, with my past and my attitude and my tenacity.


This is a link to an article that was given to me by a person who works at a well respected clinic when I spoke to him about my betas and fear of another blighted ovum.  Basically it is a study of IVF patients who were monitored and they confirmed a direct link to low betas and blighted ovums.

The levels I have been getting with my betas are normal/high for a healthy singleton pregnancy.  They are average for a healthy twin pregnancy.  These betas are not slow, they are not low, they are nearly ideal.

They DO mean something.  Low betas mean something.  High betas mean something.  They might not tell us if there is a heartbeat, or twins, or if our baby has eleven fingers or amber eyes, but for crying out loud, they DO tell us something

The nurse was wrong.  She was wrong with her information and she was wrong for how she told me what she thinks is truth.  All I really wanted, I realized, was for someone else to say..."Hey, those numbers sound promising!" or "I understand how worried you are, it's just another week until your ultrasound, meanwhile, I'll make a note of this in your chart.  How are you feeling otherwise?"

I'm not an idiot.  I know there might be no heartbeat.  I know there might be nothing at all.  But I also know that I am more likely, MUCH more likely, to have good news this time than any other.  And I am smart enough to know that the best thing I can do for myself, my husband and this baby is to have a calm, positive attitude and above all -  hope.  

I don't know why the nurse did what she did.  I guess it's just office protocol to not offer any 'medical' opinion unless it comes from a doctor.  I guess hope and kindness might fall into that category.  Maybe she's been through that conversation before and had it turn out horribly for the patient, even after good betas.  Who knows.  

Here's another reason I'm hopeful.  I have such bad round ligament pain that there just has to be something growing in there.  When I cough, sneeze, stretch, or move suddenly, I get a tearing, ripping pain through my abdomen.  Directly around my uterus.  I've never, ever experienced this before.  It feels like I've done two hundred sit-ups.

I'm also experiencing constipation.  Ew, I know.  But this is just biological stuff we're discussing here and my dignity went out the window right around the time I had my twentieth vaginal ultrasound.  I swear I've had more people look up my skirt than a college co-ed with something to prove.    The thing about me, is I've never had issues with my bowels.  I watch those yogurt commercials with a kind of smugness.  No issues here, ladies!  Okay.  *now* there are issues.  If you're wondering what having a little sweet pea nestled in the uterus has to do with bowel movements, it has to do with the hormones being released.  

"In early pregnancy, constipation occurs because the body has created more progesterone, which in turn slows digestion in the intestines. In fact, it’s actually considered one of the first symptoms of pregnancy."


Okay.  Maybe it's not that bad, but if you're not used to it, it's horrid.  And, the picture really made me laugh.  Looking at it makes me laugh again!   Had to share.  Can't laugh at yourself you are doomed to live a sorry ass life.  

Moving on up.  Breasts.  Pretty to look at, pleasant to hold... well.  Not anymore.  The holding at least.  If David looks sideways at my boobs he's getting the evil eye from me.  My terry cloth bathrobe feels like sandpaper on my nipples.  At night, the aching of the entire breast wakes me up.  They feel, at best, like they've gone ten rounds with some idiot who has a fetish for twisting nipples and rough groping.  Ugh.  

And, I'm losing weight.  I'm not hungry.  I'm slightly nauseous from time to time, but hardly every hungry.  Nothing sounds like it will taste good.  I'm not interested in food.  I've had a few bouts when I am suddenly 'clear' and really hungry, and gobble whatever I can get to, but usually I'm pretty apathetic about food.  Not that I can't stand to lose a pound or two.  I've dropped 15 since January (and that's during treatment, people!!), but I'd rather have been another 15 lbs lighter at the beginning of this pregnancy.  I'm not complaining.  

Emotionally I'm feeling good.  I got over the bitchy nurse thing and realized my clinic's job is not to make me feel better, it's to make me pregnant better.  And they are good at that.  I'll go to my friends, family and internet forums for a pat on the back and a kind word.  



Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Monday, November 8, 2010

6 weeks Pregnant

Tomorrow, I'll officially be six weeks pregnant.

Tomorrow I'll get the final beta test result.  I went today to get one more beta.  My sore and tired veins were not cooperating so I took that as a sign that enough was enough - just take the good news and run with it.

Although I wish I could say I am totally comfortable with the positive attitude, I would not be honest.  I am about 90% confident that we will get a heartbeat next week.  The 10% is pretty freaking normal for a woman who has gone through what I have gone through.

It seems surreal... literally like I am dream walking when I think about things going well.  Usually by this point I am a bloody emotional mess.  I'm usually crawling with anxiety about the looming ultrasound... even though last time I was fairly confident, there was a huge part of me that was totally prepared for the empty blob on the ultrasound machine.

I am expecting my beta to be somewhere over 20,000... I'll get the results at about 10 a.m. I hope.. perhaps after noon as I went to the lab late.

How am I feeling.... well... here's a little breakdown:

 - A little more tired than usual - sometimes I just want to lay down and relax.
-  Not into eating that much last few days... nothing seems appealing.... no nausea, just lack of appetite
-  Constipated - Ugh.  I know.  Sorry.
-  Sore lower back... usually in the late afternoon/evening
-  Occasional mood swings
-  Sore breasts - comes and goes
-  Some pulling/tearing sensations in the mid abdomen still - when moving quickly, or stretching.. not as bad as it was but still there
-  Emotionally I'm still pretty apathetic... what will be will be.  I have periods of doubt and periods of joy... Mostly I have periods of trying to distract myself and not think about it.
-   Oh, and vivid, vivid dreams.  Several... every night.  Vivid.

Honestly I thought I'd have more symptoms than this.. you know... examining my toilet real close up on a daily basis... an extreme reaction to raw meat or cooking eggs..... sheer exhaustion or bouts of crying...

But nah..... I just kind of feel like me... with the little aches and pains and worries magnified jus' a bit.

Friday, November 5, 2010

23DPO Beta...

I was literally up half the night worried.  I was worried about today's numbers.  Had nightmares.  I held my breath when the nurse gave me the information.  6060.  That's a great number.... better than I could ever hope for... 

14DPO 138
16DPO 351 - 35.6 hours doubling
21DPO 2826 - 39.9 hours doubling
23DPO 6060 - 43.61 hours doubling

check out http://www.betabase.info/ if you want to check your own betas.. I love that site.

These numbers are great - no worries about them slowly getting longer with doubling time... that's totally expected as the betas climb.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Today

I had another beta.  I can't help but be secretly thrilled at how well things are going and a teeny bit scared it will all drop out from under us any moment.  I wanted to get another read on what's going on while David was here.  So we can enjoy the weekend.  So I can create an exercise wheel for my overactive mind to whirl away on while the time crawls by.  Something to wonder about, something to look forward to between now and my ultrasound.

If my numbers were 2826 on 21dpo then we're hoping for hmmm.... 5600ish? Wow.  I could get used to all this good news.

I had a scare this afternoon.  I called my doctor's office for the beta results and the nurse told me they were 2826.  I had previously gotten 2865 two days ago.  So I thought I my beta was falling and I was miscarrying.  My world kind of fell out from underneath me.  Slowly, but rapidly all at once.  I asked her to repeat the number.

"Hold on," she said, "oh, yes, that's right.  2826."

Then, "wait, hold it.  No, those numbers are from November 2nd."

Mygawd.  Okay, so I didn't write them down properly when I got them the first time.  So they are not falling.  Geez.  Talk about being thankful.

Tomorrow I'll get the results around 10a.m.  I'm so hopeful!!

I am not having much in the way of symptoms.  I am exceptionally confrontational. I have short but sever bouts of nausea (might be partially because of the progesterone).  My breasts are sensitive, I have some mild backaches and still some RLP, although that's eased up lately.

Please send out good thoughts for us.  For strength to get through the next two weeks, regardless of the outcome. For the grace and dignity to handle whatever happens.  For my husband, who is the strongest man I have ever met, but who falls to his knees when faced with losing yet another possible chance at becoming a father.  

It's going to be great.  I am enjoying the lack of symptoms.  I remember how sick I was with both my boys.  How I actually wished to NOT be pregnant if I could just stop throwing up. *laugh*  ah... those were the days!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

21DPO Beta

2165  2826

Doubling time 40 hours!!!
Gawd.  I was off by 700!!

New Beta Results

Are due today.  I want to at least follow the betas if I'm not going to get a super early ultrasound.  I know the betas don't tell me everything, but if they keep rising as quickly as they started, I'll at least feel a LOT more comforted in the following 13 days.  I'm not going to go every second day, but I might go three more times.  That'll give me a much more clear vision of what to expect.

Since so many people have asked... Ultrasound is November 17th at 1:00 pm!  Time will be upon me before I know it.  Yeah, right!  It's worse than waiting for Christmas when I was seven.

I am still having extremely vivid dreams every night.  Detailed and 'real'.  No flying or strange things happening, but real life situations with real people.

I spoke to my doctor yesterday about the pain I've been experiencing.  I had spoken to my clinic before but the nurse said they could be cramps or irritation from the progesterone? LOL!  Really?  My *clinic* nurse said that?  Ugh.  They are great at their jobs but honestly I think I know more about medication and fertility than some of them.  Progesterone will not cause cramps, and as I've been on it for nearly two years I doubt that I have sudden 'irritation'.  I did a ton of research and what I am getting totally sounds like RPL.  So, as I said, I talked to my amazing GP and he agreed, it really does sound like RPL.  Although he was shocked that I was having it this early.  He said he hoped it was a good sign.

It's not quite as bad as it was before, but it's still persistent enough to keep me cautious.  Other than that, the mild bitchiness and sore breasts, I don't really feel much of anything.  The pregnancy seems far away and happening to someone else because I keep myself totally distracted except for when I am blogging or answering forum posts on the subject.   When I do think about it, I think only as far as the next step.  The next beta, the ultrasound, the twelve week mark.   December 21st will mark the start of my second semester.  Nice timing!

So anyhow, I got another beta done yesterday and won't get the results until this morning.   If the hcg is doubling the beta should be around 2000.  It seems odd that it could be that high and I'm not having m/s. However, I had pretty good m/s with the last two and nothing at all to show for it.  Every pregnancy is different and so is every woman.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

19dpo

Okay.  Guess I'd better update.  Either someone will be amused by reading it or I'll want to look back a year from now and see what was happening at this exact day in my life.  

I have a few moments to myself.  Avoiding work for the first time since I got home on the 18th.  I even went in for six hours yesterday when it was my day off.  Ah well... it's not like I am lifting crates.   It's the mental stress of being at work that is difficult for me, even without the natural and artificial hormones raging through my body.  I shouldn't say difficult.  I love my business and the people there, it's that sometimes it feels like an atomic bomb has been dropped in the store, when huge orders arrive, customers and lined up and staff are requesting my attention so they can go on with their tasks.  All in all it's a wonderful frenzy.  When I'm distracted and hormonal with the pregnancy it's just a frenzy.  *laugh*

I'm not having much in the way of symptoms.  My back is super sore today which is usually a pregnancy sign, but I had a scare yesterday.  I was walking across a nearly deserted parking lot, head down, not paying attention, reading a text from my husband.  Out of the corner of my eye I caught backup lights from a white mini-van.  Although it was at least three feet from hitting me, and the driver slammed on the brakes in plenty of time, I was very startled.  I jumped.  I twisted and jumped.  The driver, a very nice woman I know as a customer and casual friend, seemed to have backed up as a joke... or at least covered not seeing me by making a joke out of it.  I wrenched my back and was pretty pissed off... considering I am not supposed to making sudden movements or even lift a ten pound package of hamburger meat.  

So of course, I don't know if my sore back is from the twisting and jerking action from yesterday, or if it's a pregnancy symptom.  I only get back pain when I am pregnant.  No other time... but now I can't even enjoy it.   And some small part of me niggles away, asking if something happened as a result of that jumping and tension.  You know.  Something not good.

Yesterday, on impulse, I bought another FRER and took it.  The test line literally turned dark before the sample passed all the way across the window.  It was dark well before the control line faded in!  I hate this part.  The waiting.  There are tiny bits of doubt chewing away at the edges of my sanity.  Wondering if things are okay, still.  

I can't understand why they won't give me an early ultrasound.  Honestly.  I'm not a burden on the system.  I'm self pay for crying out loud.  The only thing I use the medical system for is processing my blood tests and about two measly ultrasounds per cycle.  I pay for my meds, I pay for my trips, I pay for my doctors.   Why can't they spring for one lousy ultrasound in addition to the one I get at 7 weeks.  I know it's not the money, our medical system is just amazing.  It's that the doctors can't justify it when there may not be a heartbeat yet.  Which is bogus because the heartbeat if often seen at just under 6 weeks.  Often.  At the very least we'd see a yolk sac and fetal pole.  We'd see something if there were something there to see.  

I do feel good about things, but I've felt good before, and no matter how positive my mental attitude is, and it is very positive, it would be inhumane to think a woman can walk the road I've walked and not be wary of the turns ahead.  

So it's frustrating to know that the answer is a ten minute appointment with an ultrasound machine.  I'm going to see my doctor on Tuesday.  I'm going to ask him for a standing order for beta tests so I can go get a blood draw whenever I want, and I'm going to ask him for a requisition for an early 6 week ultrasound.  I know we won't see a lot.... but we should see something.  My little something.  My big little something.  

I kind of have a running tally in my head of what my hcg would be.  It was 351 at 16dpo so if it just doubles it would be over 700 yesterday, about 1100 today and over 1400 tomorrow... Crazy I know but honestly, I love thinking about it.  I'm not concentrating on July yet or anything beyond that one ultrasound.  And that heartbeat.  Thump.  Thump. A hundred times a minute.  

Thursday, October 28, 2010

16dpo Beta Results

Was happy happy to get my results today... 351!  Too cool.  Honestly.  That's like... way way over my last pregnancies.  I am not raging with symptoms but honestly, I don't feel like I should be.  I am only 4.5 weeks along and symptoms typically don't kick in until 6 weeks.  I mean, I'm exhausted.  I'm experiencing round ligament pain, and I am a tad moody.... moody and happy.  Together.

2nd Beta Today

Will be updating my blog as soon as we get the numbers!  I have to admit I feel a little bad about the title of the last post - I was in a quirky kind of mood.

I'm anxious and excited about my beta today.  I went and checked the last two betas and they were only 62 and 54 at the same point - 14dpo!  I know I remember being pretty worried, but they slowly grew and so I put my fears aside, or tried to.

This time I'm really hoping we're getting higher numbers and better doubling times.

I am having exceptionally strong round ligament pains, which is freaky for so early in the pregnancy.  At night if I roll over or stretch in the morning, I am in such pain that I actually gasp and freeze my movements until I can slowly work the muscles into submission.  Even if I am bent over a project at work and stand up suddenly I am forced to slow down and move with caution.  I'm hoping this is a good sign.

By the way, my current beta numbers are in the highest category for those women who went on to have successful single pregnancies.  My numbers are also in the second highest category for women who went on to have successful twin pregnancies.  Yikes.  I'd rather have one super healthy baby than two who might struggle.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's Over.

My obsession to pee on a home pregnancy test.  I didn't even do it today, not even once.  Maybe it's because it was my beta day.  And we got great results.  Way better than last time.  137.8.  I'm kind of just saying 138 because it was so close.

So our beta today was 138.   As far as numbers go, my clinic considers 50 to be pregnant, but barely.  100 on beta day is excellent news. Did I mention that we got 138?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Groundhog Day

Sometimes things happen over
over until you learn something.
David and I spent our one day off working like crazy.  We work a lot this time of year and it's important that we do what we can to keep our domestic life somewhat normal.  As in laundry, food in the fridge and clean sheets.  We got a ton of stuff done, and are both off to work again very early in the morning.  I've been working hard this week and need to take it a bit easier.  Not physical stuff, but just really long hours and I really should be going home for a while or at least early once in a while.  I hate taking my progesterone at work - public bathrooms just aren't the place I feel warm and fuzzy in while poking pills up my yahoo.  

While we made dinner together, we talked about the pregnancy... and how we've gone through this part over and over.  Kind of like that movie "Groundhog Day", with Bill Murray.  It's all the same thing, pregnancy test is positive, lines are darkening, beta number one, beta number two... etc. etc.  Eventually something changes though.  Eventually the story continues, though.  Eventually something different happens.  We're hoping with all we got that this is our new ending to the same old story.  We're hoping we've learned whatever lesson we needed to move on from 'wanting' to 'having'.



Letting whatever will be just wash over
me and finding gratitude whether or not
I get what I think I want.

I'm still really honestly not freaking out.  I'm surprising myself, actually.  It's easy to say I'm going to relax but another thing to actually do it when there is literally a life hanging in the balance.  The life of this baby that's currently growing inside me.  But I've really accepted that I do not have any control over this baby.  Not even when it's just a tiny speck of cells buried deep within my womb; completely surrounded by my energy, my blood, my flesh - not even then do I have any control over that life.  Already it is independent of me while still so intimately connected.  And accepting that has made this part.... livable.  It's not torture this time.

I felt so guilty the first time we miscarried.  I had worked two sixteen hour days back to back in the hot sun, knowing I was pregnant.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that, but I do accept that it happened and there's nothing I can do to change it.    Not just accept what happened, but I feel I've also surrendered to what may be.  Whether it's a warm, squirmy, cooing baby in eight months or miscarriage after miscarriage, I surrender to it.  It's the experience that is important, not getting what I think I want.

3Weeks, 5 Days Pregnant

A photo is worth a thousand words!


oops.  our weekly countdown will be on the tuesday of every week - not sunday!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

11dpo - 6dp5td The Saga Continues

And so does the good news!  This evening I tested again and the line is darker... and for the first time I got a line on those lousy internet cheapie tests.  It's not a glaring line, and it's not appearing the same time as the control, but it's totally there and totally darkening.  This is the first time I am looking forward to my beta, and the first time I am looking forward to my ultrasound.  I didn't run to my doctor for an early beta, and I'm not obsessing about getting an early ultrasound.  I feel like I'm going to have a baby.


I'm not throwing up all day, but I do feel queasy from time to time.   I'm a wee bit overemotional, but not sobbing like a mad woman.  I'm a bit tired, but not to the point where I am yawning all day.  My breasts ache, but don't throb with pain.  So yes, there are some symptoms, but I'm not worried at the least about not being overwhelmed with them - I mean, I'm barely pregnant!  There's barely any hormone in my system, I shouldn't be sick yet.

My clinic usually does first ultrasounds at about seven weeks, around November 10th.  Beta is on the 26th, Tuesday... and then another on Thursday the 28th.  Yay!