my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Starting Over

It hasn't just been the latest loss that has kept me away.  There has been a lot going on in my life that has nothing to do with my uterus.  Although I wish none of it were happening, it has given my tired brain and heart a break from all things pregnancy.

I keep typing out a sentence or two about what's going on but nothing seems right, so I'll just be simple about it.  I have a sister who has been undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer for what seems like forever, and the doctors have said there is nothing more they can do for her.  Our family has decided to send her to Mexico for alternative treatment.  I have very mixed feelings about this, but ultimately want what is best for my sister. 

I was at her house on Vancouver Island last week, helping out, when my miscarriage began.  Actually it began about an hour before we left for the airport.  I would have liked to have just been home, but perhaps being so busy and emotional about other matters was easier in the long run.

So.  What is, is. 

Emotionally I don't know what is going on.  It's difficult to take time out to think about my own losses when something such a massive black cloud has moved over my entire family.  I know I went through a short period where I hated seeing pregnancy tickers, pregnancy announcements and bulging bellies.  They pretty much pissed me off.  I went through a short time of feeling completly, totally empty.  Then I really just wanted to start again right away, almost in a panic. 

Now that things have lulled for a few days (while she prepares for Mexico, and is still managing to eat and drink and be fairly mobile), I have some stolen moments to think about myself, and David. 

We agreed that we will wait one cycle and when I get my period, I start birth control pills and possibly a GnFH agonist, although I wasn't given an agonist the last time.  After I get my second period, I will start some hormone injects, like shots of estrogen to build my uterine lining.  I'm unclear as to whether we do shots to surpress ovulation... I guess not as we are not doing an egg retrieval.  Anyhow, after two weeks, I travel to Vancouver, make sure my uterine lining is thick enough and do the transfer.

We have four frozen embies.  The thaw survival rate is about 80% at my clinic.  We will thaw until we get three viable embies and will transfer all three. 

It looks like we'll be doing my next transfer sometime in June. 

The support of all your notes and kindness has made this a lot easier.  I really appreciate everything that is said, and the fact that people care is just overwhelming.. big hugs!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Really Great News

I have this amazing relationship with a man who not only listens, and holds me, and comforts me, but who talks to me about how he's feeling, who knows when he needs to be held, and who trusts me enough to comfort him as well.  He lets me rant when I need it, without taking anything I say really seriously, and he supports me, whether I pull a 14 hour day at work (yesterday) or just want to curl up and watch television for six hours and eat.  He knows enough to do the same for himself.

The first day was the worst.  I was feeling a lot of guilt for how relieved I was.  I know that sounds bad, but I knew a long time ago that something wasn't right.  I begged doctors and clinics for early tests, but was treated like an annoyance.  My tests were great!  I was pregnant!  No spotting, no cramping!  Couldn't you just be fucking happy now that you're pregnant?!  I see-sawed between feeling guilt at my paranoia and dread from knowing something wasn't right.

The medical community 'felt bad'.  My new doctor was shocked and vowed to trust my instincts a lot more.  he promised weekly ultrasounds for weeks six through nine the next time we get pregnant.  The clinic took me back under their wing and were concerned and attentive.  Friends and family were sheepish, disbelieving, and very, very sad.  David was more surprised and saddened than anyone.  He was so sure we were going to see a heartbeat. 

So anyhow.  It's over.  It was over before it began.  It was actually another chemical pregnancy, which is 50% across the board as we all know.  Blighted ovum happens in about 20% of those miscarriages.  The body, happily thinking it's pregnant, goes on to create the environment for baby.  I am as pregnant as you can get without a baby on board.  I have all the tiredness, emotional mood swings, backache, tender breasts, swelling tummy (helped by all the drugs) but... oh crap, we forgot the baby!  ha. ha. ha.

I took pills last night, vaginally, to induce the miscarriage.  Is it a miscarriage now?  More of a cleansing.  Giving my hard working, hopeful little urterus the bad news.  There's a funeral going on below my beltline.  At 4:20 a.m. I woke up to deep, mournful cramps.  Got up, made myself a cup of hot, sweet tea, and began the business of truly letting this pregnancy go.

Thank you all so very much for the support and love.  I truly think it helped us deal with things so quickly and honestly.  We are not worried... we know we can get pregnant... we are just happy my body is so merciful and flushes out the 'bad eggs', saving us from tough decisions later down the road.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The "Great" News

That's what everyone has been saying they expect me to deliver.  But I don't have any... just a really sad heart and even sadder husband. 

Blighted Ovum.  yay.

~~Ultrasound Day~~

Today is the day I have been waiting for.  A real, honest ultrasound with a real, honest technician, and a real, honest hope of seeing a real, honest heartbeat.  Really!  Honest! 

I am completely at a loss as to what to expect.  I know the odds are really with me that we will see a heartbeat.  It is just fear and insecurity that is keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground.  Sometimes a little fear and insecurity is a wonderful thing.  It keeps you safe, prevents you from, say, touching a glowing hot burner while cooking, or tripping when sightseeing near a high cliff, or expecting to give birth as a result of being pregnant.

The sad and dangerous part of fear and insecurity is that you might lose your love of cooking, miss an amazing view from a high cliff, or be unable to enjoy being pregnant when you are.

Honestly, deep down I am feeling fairly confident about today.  I was worried about my lack of symptoms, but I've talked to so many women who had babies and didn't puke their guts out for three months... well.. maybe I am just lucky.  Maybe my emotional misery is making up for my physical comfort!  *laugh*

Anyhow, we leave in just over an hour.  The ultrasound is a town away, about a 45 minute drive, at 9 a.m.  David's work turned out that he was actually able to start the spring break-up early and he is thankfully, wonderfully home and will be sharing the moment with me.  I am so grateful for his being there to witness this experience.  No matter which way it goes, I'll need my amazing  husband there to share the emotion. 

~Butterflies~  Okay....   wish me luck!

Friday, March 5, 2010

New Things

I thought I would try some new things.  A new blog layout for one.  And I went shopping yesterday for another.  I am trying to combat my anxiousness with positive thinking and distraction.  I've been distracting myself with work, it's ridiculously busy in the store, but as the ultrasound date grows near, my thoughts snap back to the looming possibilities the very second I have a free moment.

The weather here in our area of Canada is wonderously warm and spring seems to have leapt out of the snowy shadows and pounced on us all.  While the rushing water and rapidly retreating snow is wonderful, it also means changes in David's work plans.  He might not be able to make it back for the ultrasound.  His job is essential most of all, near the end of the job, and the warm weather is stealing days and even weeks from the pipeline crews' schedule.  If he comes home on the 8th, an essential part of his work will be left in someone elses' hands, and he might not even have to go back for just a day or two.  On the other hand, he will get one more good solid week and a half of work in if he sticks it out.  We justify losing the ultrasound experience by saying that one stint of work will be worth a year's worth of diapers, a new nursery, carseat and so on... but we both really would trade it for being together at that really scary, exciting time.  The truth is, if he bails now, he loses credibility and in his job, credibility is worth a LOT of years' of work, so it's not just those few days of income he might lose if he left at such a crutial time.

I haven't decided if I want to be alone when I get the ultrasound, or have my mom there.  I know she'll be wonderful either way, and I don't think she's ever seen an early ultrasound... or even an ultrasound with a baby at all.  And if things go sideways, well... I'll need her there.  On the other hand, I can prepare myself for the worst and deal with it quietly, on my own if I have to, and save mom the sadness of having to see me cry.  Lovely decisions.

My symptoms are different.  Not as consistant, but changing a bit.  My boobs are not as sore as they were, although they do have thier moments.  I am not quite as tired as I was, but I am not energetic by any means... I am still moving in sloth like motion.  I have had no spotting, no cramping, but my lower back is sore from time to time.  I've been waking up with nausea and icky heartburn.  I kind of had a bit of a panic this evening and managed to contribute a few drops of pee (I had just gone an hour before) so I could do an internet cheapie hpt.  It is blaringly positive.  By far darker than the last one I took (at least a week ago).  So I am over 7 weeks pregnant and still testing.  *crazy laugh*

Oh, a little tidbit to my last post.... the evil bitchy ultrasound tech used my 'official' 7 week viability ultrasound requisition and used it at the 6 week ultrasound that was so poorly done.  So I found out I had NO early ultrasound at all, and had been 'bumped' to the 15th.... into my 9th week.  I freaked out, and found another lab, 45 minutes away, who would do the ultrasound on the 9th.  Gawd.  That's what I get for trying to get some help.   I know people who have abused the medical system to the point of ridiculous, who are constantly booking appointments, specialists, and wasting our resources on drug induced, or self induced, or imagined illnesses.  I've never done that.  I've never had a surgery that I didn't end up paying for, I've never been carried on our medical system because I couldn't pay, my kids only ever had one trip EACH to emergency in their first 17 years.  I f*cking deserved to have a 15 minute ultrasound after all we've gone through, with the machine sitting right there.  I know with the size of the gestational sac, we should have seen a yolk sac and maybe heartbeat if she'd bothered with a transvaginal ultrasound.  Man, am I ranting now!! *laugh!!*

Oh, and I wanted to thank all of you for the blog stalks and comments.  Welcome to the new followers!!  I haven't been updating because I am essentially just writing thoughts and nothing really that has happened.  I can't give anyone any answers, good or bad, because I don't have any to give.  It's Friday.  I have to wait Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Three days - yay!

Oh, and the shopping?  My super over bearing girlfriend who I love endlessly and wouldn't change for the world actually forced me to buy a pair of maternity jeans.  I was horrified to even look at them, but they were on sale for $2 (yes, that's two dollars) and she was going to buy them for me if I didn't.  Then, she MADE me try them on.  I can only say that those are the most comfortable pair of anythings I've ever had on my body.  LOL  And you can't tell they're maternity.    The other thing I did was pick up material for a baby quilt.  If I am not pregnant, I can give it to one of the many upcoming babies who are safely on their way (I assume this because I am not the one carrying them..).  I'll post a photo of the material and my progress as it happens.