A real post

Because I still feel weird posting here after family members were offended... and what I wrote absolutely have been offensive, but I use this to write offensive, honest and raw things.  It's why people read it.  The PC writing is boring and might as well be posted in a cute greeting card.

Ah well.  It's been a long few months and not many family members are really interacting with me at any rate.  Which freaks me out but is refreshingly easier on my brain and heart to be honest.  It freaks me out because I think I am truly and honestly growing apart from them, and I miss what I had built up what I thought our relationships could be like.  It's easier on me because in reality, our relationships were nothing even close to what I wanted them to be, and I was either hurting them or offending them or being hurt and offended.  And I mean, this was not intentional on either side - just people who are so freakishly different that there's no way to have a functional relationship even if there is that weighty 'family' label pasted on our foreheads.

I am of an age and time in my life where I am who I am and I love it.  I am not of a mind to apologize for my principals, morals or beliefs.  These are the things who brought me where I am today.  The things that attracted all the wonderful, strong women-sisters in my life, the things that helped me get through the toughest times when I had to reach into myself to survive, the things that brought my amazingly handsome and strong husband to fall deeply in love with me.  These traits are what I rely on to help me make business decisions, running my company with confidence, skill and a deep commitment to everyone who comes into contact with it.  I'm not going to apologize for who I have fought to become and whom so many wonderful friends and real family love me for being.

So.

Here we are.

Me.  Happy.  Being Me.

Not Pretending.  Not Trying To Fit In.

Where I Don't Even Like Being.

Okay, some pregnancy stuff now.

For one, I am falling head over heels with this baby.  I love him being with me every second of every day.  I don't feel alone even when I am.  I take long hot showers in the mornings with my music blasting away on the counter and I 'dance the baby' while all the soap and water swirls around me.  I'm a pretty busy person during the day so stolen moments like this seem sacred to me - when I actually just let myself fall into the thought of this tiny person nestled inside me.  

I've moved from feeling fat and awkward to full and sexual.  I know I don't have a firm, young body, but this body is loved and accepted by myself, my husband and everyone who knows me.  It's a perfect shell for me, and is doing a spectacular job of hosting this very special little soul.

Oh, and I've also started 'walking the baby'.  A good friend of mind walks on an indoor track every morning and I've begun to join her three times a week.  Getting up out of my amazingly comfortable bed at 6:30 am on a exceptionally freaking cold morning is really dreadful to say the least... but to get to the track, pull my fat butt up three flights of stairs and then start in on my hour long walk feels like a million dollars once the process is actually happening.

I've gained about 12 lbs so far and would like to only gain 15 more in total.  Since baby has about 7 to go, and water, blood and placenta will count for at least another 5, that means I'll hopefully end up just 15 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant.  Excellent goal but I'll need to work at it over the next few months.  Thank gawd warmer weather is happening soon.  It will make getting out of the house a lot more appealing.

Okay.  It's late and I'm exhausted.  Night from a real person saying real crap without pulling the punches.