The Countdown Begins..

I'm nervous. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. So many words to describe what I'm feeling, the experience of having some real solid hope again.

David works about 45 minutes from here right now. He is staying in our travel trailer and once a week I drive down in the evening to stay the night. It's been pretty cool... it's our official 'date night', which kind of means we get to have dinner and sex without worrying about teenagers barging through the door. Yay. You appreciate the little things when you are older, ya know.

So last night was date night. we were having dinner and I asked him if he thought I was being too optimistic, too excited. David is not a pessimist, but he is honest. He's an anchor when I begin to drift away... and I needed this part of him. I wanted to hear how he really felt.

"I think we have every right to be optimistic and to expect good results," he said, looking directly into my eyes. "Everything points to this working".

And it totally changed things for me. Even if it doesn't work. Even if it's a total bust. Even if it's just me and David at the end of September.... well, I'll still know that there's me and David. We're in this together, and that makes this journey worth it, whether we reach the destination or not, we're in it together.
Oh, and of course I am even more optimistic.



************************************************************************************

So that night, I was able to take my second round of injections. I am taking Repronex. It's used to stimulate my ovaries and encourage them to produce lots of wonderful little eggs that are just waiting for a good looking sperm to come along.

I don't like taking the needles. Wow. Who would have thought? It was harder this time because I held the needle over my skin for at least a full minute. That was worse than the needle, which I ended up not feeling at all. No blood, no bruising, no swelling. I'm getting to be a good reproduction junkie.

Wait a day and then take another shot, wait another day and take the final shot. Get ultrasound on August 31st to check for follicles. Decide from ultrasounds on which day to trigger with the hcg. Then... IUI. Yay!

Oh Yeah... the Injects....

So last month (July) we started... OFFICIALLY started... 'real' fertility meds. I happily and hopefully laid down a little over $800 and went home with a paper bag full of drugs. Baby drugs.


The problem was... my doc... was out of town. I knew there was supposed to be 'some kind' of monitoring, but I didn't know how much 'some' was. So. I dug in. I was actually looking forward to the injections in some kind of horrid way.

I was freaked out, but so anxious and ready to get the show on the road. So I mixed the drugs, went into the bathroom and prepared myself. With needle posed, I contemplated what I was about to do. And... I contemplated how I was going to do it.

Finally, I realized that it wasn't going to hurt any less if it took any longer. The first time I made the big three inch trip between the needle and my tender tummy, I only managed to get the needle into the skin before I stopped. Then I had to keep pushing and it was painful... like I could feel the needle cutting the flesh slowly. I bruised. But I was proud of myself. There was a little blood.

The other times were much easier. I made a smooth motion and didn't put the needle too far in or too far out. I injected the meds slowly... taking about 30 seconds and pulling the needle out quickly. That's a big tip for anyone who is doing this. Pull the needle out fast.

And then, there was the doctor getting back. I think I was on CD12 or something and he was a tiny peeved at me for going ahead on my own. I went in for the ultrasound. I knew things weren't good when the doctor actually called me by my first name, from a room down the hall.

"Sooooonnnnnyyyyaaaaaa," he called in a sing-song voice. "Come in here and seeeeee thiiiisssss."

So David and I trudge down the hallway and there are three technicians and the doctor standing around a monitor, with my little ovaries as the star of the show. It appears I had 10 mature follicles. Um. Too many. Can you say... litter?

So. Not only did I lay out $800 bucks on drugs, but David and I were cut off having 'fun', and... AND we lost an entire month.

The good news? Yes, there is good news. I responded to the drugs like a 20 year old. We have excellent, excellent chances for the upcoming months.

Tomorrow I start my clomid again, and then the injections again on Tuesday. Wish. Me. Luck.

Yay... everyone's pregnant!!

Except me! Yay.

Okay... I may be feeling a bit bitter. A bit left out. A bit angry. I now have nine, yes, nine wonderful, deserving online friends who were not pregnant when I met them, but who are all either pregnant, or have had babies. Look at how beautiful and shiny happy they are! And, yes, the bloated bellies are not limited to online chicks.... three close friends in town, all whom had struggled with miscarriages and are older women, like me, are very well into their second trimesters. I can't say that these women are some of the most deserving women out there who are TTC... I'd just like to say that I kind of figured that I was in their league! Ya know?

I'm not angry or bitter at their success, I'm just feeling helpless to join them. I have all the tools, all the resources, all the will and desire...... it just hasn't happened yet.

So I've had a few cries lately. I've spent a few showers (it drowns out any audible sad noises and I don't have to keep getting up to get tissue) getting some of the fear and anger out of my system... and even got pretty emotional talking to David last night. David, who is the most amazing man I have ever been blessed to know... who always knows what the right thing to say is, who always knows when to say nothing, who knows me better than I know myself.

Okay. Enough of the pity party. It's boring. I hear it too many times to participate for long. I really don't believe in it.

On to the good news. Last month (this cycle) I did injectable meds for the first time. I responded well. I mean, I responded exceptionally well. I responded beyond exceptionally well. I responded so exceptionally well that my loving husband was not allowed to get even remotely close to me. Okay, so we lost $800 and a month of trying. Well, so what. There are millions of women who would pay for my problem.

I am currenly waiting for my period to show. So we can start again. So I can take hormones and inject FSH and wait and undergo IUI and then. Wait. And wait. Any maybe it will work, and maybe it won't.. but maybe it will. We are aiming for an IUI on September 4th....