my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

First Real Non-Pregnancy Breakdown?

Yesterday was a joke. I started out the morning thinking about how to write about 'getting over the pain of a miscarriage'. I wanted to talk about living in the present, focusing on the future and all that crap. Instead I ended up bawling my eyes out, hunched over the sink in our tiny bathroom, missing my lost, never-known baby-to-be. And as with any good pity party, anger heard the noise and made an abrupt, unannounced entrance. Party crasher.

Through tears and ruined makeup I started at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop staring at myself. Wondering why I am doing this. Why I am putting David through this.... realizing how quickly I am losing hope, and how I have begun to accept the fact that each month I will be 'looking forward to trying again'.

Planning a nursery, checking out cute onesies, anticipating those first flutters and kicks, bringing the wonder of being a parent into my husband's life. What used to be happy conversation has turned into something 'better left unsaid'. I don't often indulge in those dreams anymore. It's been downsized to only being able to fantasize about being pregnant, I think about David being a father, I sometimes stand in the shower and place my hand over my stomach, trying to imagine being full of baby again.... but they're Fantasies, not Hopes. They are dirty, secret thoughts that I know I'll never 'really' get to experience, but the sick wanna-be-mommy part of me gets off on. I don't admit openly to them anymore.

And the worst are the women who were trying and trying and trying and get pregnant. They're like reformed smokers. Caution, here's the anger part. Sorry to any of my trying and trying and trying and now pregnant friends who are reading this - I am happy for you, and you are most likely more considerate and understanding than most if I consider you a friend. But my friends aside, those women are the worst. They remind me of reformed ex-smokers. It's like along with pregnancy they've totally forgotten what it was like to want, to wish, to be let down again and again. They're the ones with the smug, holy advice to just keep trying, it'll happen, or relax and stop trying, it'll happen.... and you hope you're not actually tilting your head and looking at their glowing faces and swollen stomachs with as much disbelief as you are feeling. You don't want to rain on their little pregnancy parade, after all.

I'm not cruel. I would never take those pregnancies away from those wonderful women. They deserve it as much, and sometimes more, than I do. After all, I do have two beautiful grown sons who are sure to produce grandchildren one day. Babies will still be part of my future. I just mean.... why can't I be one too? One of those smug, relaxed, happy swollen souls. I'll even bear the cross of facing my still infertile friends if it

Okay, today's not proving to be much better than yesterday. I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the screen. I need to go to work. I need to forget about wanting, about wishing, about hoping, about those stupid lines on pregnancy tests that seem to disappear even if I do manage to coax my body into producing one.


  1. Oh no ... Sonya, I am so, so sorry. There are no words, but I do understand your pain. It seems so unfair that every month of trying gets harder and more painful. It doesn't seem right that we have to take drugs and go to the doctor so much and end up with BFN after BFN while pregnant women surround us. I wish there was something I could do, but please know I'm thinking of you.

  2. I personally love this post. It's so real and raw. It's very very true. I know that I may be one of those preggy people (though I'm hoping not to be), but I appreciate your honesty, very very much (I hate when people sugar coat crap). Although my "trying" phase was short live (6-9 mos), I vividly remember the pain and hurt of wondering why not me? why them? Unfortunately, time does not heal this wound either, it just makes it fester. I wish I could pick up your pain and throw it away. You are such a wonderful person. But I cannot, all I can say, is I respect you and appreciate your honesty and cheer you on.