First Beta 12dpo

Okay, so maybe my 'official' beta might not be over 200 after all, I *might* have been a little, teeny bit optimistic, but hey, better than the alternative, right?  I'm hoping for anything decent now, like at least 60 or more?

I went to see my local doctor, a wonderful young doctor who is finally treating me like a person and not just another billing opportunity.  He warmly congratulated me and said that I had all available resources at my fingertips, including betas and ultrasounds!  Yay!  The thing is, I'm not really freaked out this time.

We decided to do a beta today because my official beta is on Friday, and we wouldn't be able to do another one until Monday.  I didn't want to spend the weekend wondering, and so by doing on today, we get a true 48 hour benchmark.  My first beta is 30.

I looked up the information on http://www.betabase.info/, one of my favorite sites, and I am well within the normal, healthy range for such an early test result!

I'm pretty happy right now, and pretty confident that my second beta on Friday will make me every happier!

11DPO

I somehow feel like I need permission to do this.  To say I am pregnant.  Again.  Let me see.  We started out with the miscarriage in July of 2008.  Then we had a chemical pregnancy (very faint) in October 2089, February and March of 2009.  We had several botched IUI's and a battery of tests and drugs in 2009 before finally giving up and turning to IVF in January. I got pregnant but miscarried early - but it was a blighted ovum so my body acted pregnant, which has got to be the world's greatest pregnant-woman's mind fuck ever.  

So it's fair to say that I we've been here before.  About five times, plus endless 'hopeful' months, filled with imaginary symptoms and desperate want.  Every time feels different.  When I had the first pregnancy, I was fine, the miscarriage came as fast and hard as a baseball bat to the side of the head in a pitch black room.  It left me puking and bleeding and crawling around on my hands and knees looking for a door out of the nightmare.

The chemical pregnancies were fast and not painless, but nothing compared to the first.  The blighted ovum was most likely the hardest (short lived!) pregnancy and easiest loss for  me, although it was the most promising since the first pregnancy.  All systems go.  Everything pointed towards a fall baby.  All tests were perfect.  But I was a wreck, I was reeling with anxiety and fear that something was wrong.  I tried to listen to the facts but the feelings were all wrong.

So how is this different.  Well besides the fact that I have stupidly early positive pregnancy tests, that are rapidly getting stronger, I am calm.  I'm accepting of whatever happens, and although I am happily feeding my compulsive testing habit like a crazed out junkie, I was honestly already making plans on my next IVF cycle in the fall when I was pleasantly surprised by... well.. this.  I *feel* pregnant this time.  I know it might not last.  I know how quickly this sand castle can wash away into oblivion, with nothing but a memory and a few blog posts to remember it.  But for now, I'm pretty sure I'll be having a baby next March! 

My beta test is on July 2nd, and unlike before, when my test dates felt a million years away, I am surprised at how fast the time is passing and how quick the test time is coming.. Friday is just around the corner.  I have a feeling it will be a HIGH beta - over 200 at least, and I'm betting more like 300.

Thanks again for all your warmth and energy.  It's early, but it has to start somewhere. 

9DPO

Not Edited.  Feel Very Ill.  Boobs Hurt Like Hell.  Weepy.

Will see if this gets darker.  Freaking Early For A FET Result.

Keep My Feet On The Ground.  Been Here Before. More Than Once.

Hopeful.  Calm.  That's Different... Hopefully Everything Is This Time.

7DPO

It's strange being 7 days past ovulation when you never ovulated at all.  LOL  I guess on my support sites for ivf patients, I'm 2dp5dpt  which means 2 days past 5 day (old embryos) transfer.  Not sure if it's different when it's a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer), but anyhow, I am about two days from a possible bfp, and about six days from a true definitive answer. 

The transfer went well.  One embryo didn't survive, which I kind of expected, so we had two average embryos and one that had already hatched.  Two of them had started to 'plump' nicely which is great news.  It's said that frozen embryos seem to implant later than fresh ones.  Takes them some time to rehydrate and get comfy before they grab on.  So I'm kind of expecting a later than usual positive test if there is one to be had.  Most likely around 10 dpo or 11dpo before I get a line, if there is one. 

We have had a very relaxing and stress free trip to the city.  I wanted the time away from work and stress so that I can give these little beings the best chance possible.  I don't think there's anything else I could have done in this case.  If we aren't successful... well... we've survived it so far, so I guess we'll deal with it. 

Thanks for all the support..... I can use all the good wishes out there!

Surviving The Thaw

(((Butterflies)))

Well we made the trip with no issues... Treated ourselves to a gorgeous black mustang convertible while we're in the city, and of course had whimsical thoughts about how we might not be able to so that next year...

So now we are rousing from bed, kinda quiet, kinda excited, kinda nervous.. And wondering how our snowbabies are doing... How many will survive the thaw, what quality will they be? And what news will we be posting in about four days?

Catching Up!

Well!  The FET is looming... several of my IVF buddies are happily sporting new positive pregnancy tests and I've taken a reasonable amount of time to get my head into some sort of reasonable state of mind.  The spring was wrought with sadness and change, not much of it was good.  With the passing of my sister, and the latest failed pregnancy, I had to do take some time to get my heart back on a healing path.  I've also had a dramatic change in my close family dynamics (extended family) which has been really sad.


However...I must say that the past couple of weeks... well...  almost a month... has shown a better light on life.  It started when David took me to Grande Prairie for a day of shopping... I didn't realize how depressed I had been until I got away from everything and found myself in a large greenhouse.  The man knows my heart.  My sister, Lori, was a tremendous gardener, and although I love it, I am seriously under skilled and we only just bought our house late last summer, so there hasn't been much chance to do any kind of growing of anything around the yard.


With memories of my sister's love of flowers, and grasping onto anything I could remember her telling me, I started filling the cart(s) with lush, green things.  Two days later, in a still-lingering fit of tears and depression, I drug my patient, loving husband out into the yard at 8:30 at night because I wanted to 'tidy up' the front of the house.  As I sit here typing, there is a beautiful new deck, complete with tiers and built in lighting and a truckload of trees, shrubs and flowers that stretch the length of the front of the house. 


We have thrown ourselves into the yard and lawn, sawing and digging and watering and agonizing for the past few weeks and it has not only improved our house by drastic degrees, it has pulled us together as a couple and gotten our hearts and hands busy around healthy, progressive outlets.


In late May, we took my mom to Vegas for five days.  I've never been there; her and my late father went twice a year for many years, and with my sister's illness and our wedding last spring, she hasn't gotten to go for quite some time.  I thought it would be a good exercise for her to get her mind off the sadness and a wonderful distraction.  Mom just had her 73rd birthday and it seems she aged ten years since we lost Lori.  It was great to see her allowing her mind to relax and enjoy her old pastimes.  We took her to the Blue Man Group, which was fantastic (mom laughed uncontrollably!) and David and I went to The Lion King (which was great but almost too much, with scene after scene of exceptional lighting, singing and costume for nearly two hours).


And then on June 7th, David and I went down to Vancouver Island to do a five day learn-to-sail cruise around the Gulf Islands.  We didn't get the winds we wanted (and needed for certification!) but we had a fabulous adventure and got our 'compitent crew' certification.  At one point we had no less than two dozen dolphins racing along side the boat, for nearly 20 minutes.  It was surreal to have wild animals acknowledging us and including us in their play.


Now that the trips, the deck, the flowers, and the hardest part of the grieving is over, I have to face the upcoming frozen embryo transfer.  Frankly, I have never been more divided.  Part of me is positive that it will work.  I've seen so many fabulous women whose first ivf's failed or had miscarriages who are now pregnant that my hopes soar with the possibility that I might be one of them.  On the other hand, after nearly two and a half years of trying, and worse, miscarriage, I know how easily those hopes can come crashing down. 


Everything is on track.  My 38 year old body is still functioning perfectly as far as the doctors are concerned.  I fly to Vancouver on the 17th for an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, which I'm sure will be just fine.  Then on the 22nd David and I both fly down for the transfer.  We have chosen to transfer three embryos in the hope that at least one will stick.  We  have four left, but the rate of survival is about 80% so chances are they'll have to thaw all four to get two or three good ones. 


Our transfer is on the 23rd, and yes, we are taking a few days in Vancouver to just laze around (mostly bedrest for me) and let the eggs 'latch on' if they are so inclined to do so!