11DPO

I somehow feel like I need permission to do this.  To say I am pregnant.  Again.  Let me see.  We started out with the miscarriage in July of 2008.  Then we had a chemical pregnancy (very faint) in October 2089, February and March of 2009.  We had several botched IUI's and a battery of tests and drugs in 2009 before finally giving up and turning to IVF in January. I got pregnant but miscarried early - but it was a blighted ovum so my body acted pregnant, which has got to be the world's greatest pregnant-woman's mind fuck ever.  

So it's fair to say that I we've been here before.  About five times, plus endless 'hopeful' months, filled with imaginary symptoms and desperate want.  Every time feels different.  When I had the first pregnancy, I was fine, the miscarriage came as fast and hard as a baseball bat to the side of the head in a pitch black room.  It left me puking and bleeding and crawling around on my hands and knees looking for a door out of the nightmare.

The chemical pregnancies were fast and not painless, but nothing compared to the first.  The blighted ovum was most likely the hardest (short lived!) pregnancy and easiest loss for  me, although it was the most promising since the first pregnancy.  All systems go.  Everything pointed towards a fall baby.  All tests were perfect.  But I was a wreck, I was reeling with anxiety and fear that something was wrong.  I tried to listen to the facts but the feelings were all wrong.

So how is this different.  Well besides the fact that I have stupidly early positive pregnancy tests, that are rapidly getting stronger, I am calm.  I'm accepting of whatever happens, and although I am happily feeding my compulsive testing habit like a crazed out junkie, I was honestly already making plans on my next IVF cycle in the fall when I was pleasantly surprised by... well.. this.  I *feel* pregnant this time.  I know it might not last.  I know how quickly this sand castle can wash away into oblivion, with nothing but a memory and a few blog posts to remember it.  But for now, I'm pretty sure I'll be having a baby next March! 

My beta test is on July 2nd, and unlike before, when my test dates felt a million years away, I am surprised at how fast the time is passing and how quick the test time is coming.. Friday is just around the corner.  I have a feeling it will be a HIGH beta - over 200 at least, and I'm betting more like 300.

Thanks again for all your warmth and energy.  It's early, but it has to start somewhere.