Catching Up!

Well!  The FET is looming... several of my IVF buddies are happily sporting new positive pregnancy tests and I've taken a reasonable amount of time to get my head into some sort of reasonable state of mind.  The spring was wrought with sadness and change, not much of it was good.  With the passing of my sister, and the latest failed pregnancy, I had to do take some time to get my heart back on a healing path.  I've also had a dramatic change in my close family dynamics (extended family) which has been really sad.


However...I must say that the past couple of weeks... well...  almost a month... has shown a better light on life.  It started when David took me to Grande Prairie for a day of shopping... I didn't realize how depressed I had been until I got away from everything and found myself in a large greenhouse.  The man knows my heart.  My sister, Lori, was a tremendous gardener, and although I love it, I am seriously under skilled and we only just bought our house late last summer, so there hasn't been much chance to do any kind of growing of anything around the yard.


With memories of my sister's love of flowers, and grasping onto anything I could remember her telling me, I started filling the cart(s) with lush, green things.  Two days later, in a still-lingering fit of tears and depression, I drug my patient, loving husband out into the yard at 8:30 at night because I wanted to 'tidy up' the front of the house.  As I sit here typing, there is a beautiful new deck, complete with tiers and built in lighting and a truckload of trees, shrubs and flowers that stretch the length of the front of the house. 


We have thrown ourselves into the yard and lawn, sawing and digging and watering and agonizing for the past few weeks and it has not only improved our house by drastic degrees, it has pulled us together as a couple and gotten our hearts and hands busy around healthy, progressive outlets.


In late May, we took my mom to Vegas for five days.  I've never been there; her and my late father went twice a year for many years, and with my sister's illness and our wedding last spring, she hasn't gotten to go for quite some time.  I thought it would be a good exercise for her to get her mind off the sadness and a wonderful distraction.  Mom just had her 73rd birthday and it seems she aged ten years since we lost Lori.  It was great to see her allowing her mind to relax and enjoy her old pastimes.  We took her to the Blue Man Group, which was fantastic (mom laughed uncontrollably!) and David and I went to The Lion King (which was great but almost too much, with scene after scene of exceptional lighting, singing and costume for nearly two hours).


And then on June 7th, David and I went down to Vancouver Island to do a five day learn-to-sail cruise around the Gulf Islands.  We didn't get the winds we wanted (and needed for certification!) but we had a fabulous adventure and got our 'compitent crew' certification.  At one point we had no less than two dozen dolphins racing along side the boat, for nearly 20 minutes.  It was surreal to have wild animals acknowledging us and including us in their play.


Now that the trips, the deck, the flowers, and the hardest part of the grieving is over, I have to face the upcoming frozen embryo transfer.  Frankly, I have never been more divided.  Part of me is positive that it will work.  I've seen so many fabulous women whose first ivf's failed or had miscarriages who are now pregnant that my hopes soar with the possibility that I might be one of them.  On the other hand, after nearly two and a half years of trying, and worse, miscarriage, I know how easily those hopes can come crashing down. 


Everything is on track.  My 38 year old body is still functioning perfectly as far as the doctors are concerned.  I fly to Vancouver on the 17th for an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, which I'm sure will be just fine.  Then on the 22nd David and I both fly down for the transfer.  We have chosen to transfer three embryos in the hope that at least one will stick.  We  have four left, but the rate of survival is about 80% so chances are they'll have to thaw all four to get two or three good ones. 


Our transfer is on the 23rd, and yes, we are taking a few days in Vancouver to just laze around (mostly bedrest for me) and let the eggs 'latch on' if they are so inclined to do so!