A Number of Things

Where to start.  Sometimes throughout my day I'll have some profound thought or feeling and want to blog about it.  I want to share it with someone who understands the language I'm speaking.  Sometimes, I feel like I am in a land full of deaf people who cannot understand what we have gone through, only those who are enduring loss or infertility can hear me.  Everyone else just goes dumbly about their lives, ignorant to the fact that I sometimes feel as though my soul is bleeding.

The other night, while getting my ridiculously hot bath ready (I do that in rebellion of being not-pregnant), I did have an interesting thought.  I have had some pretty positive experiences as a result of this rocky road.  I'll list them.

• working normal, eight hour days (most of the time)
• taking better care of my house (being home to do that helps)
• being productive, such as building decks and helping my mom more (this was accomplished as a result of keeping myself busy in order to not end up in a counsellor's waiting room)
• focusing more on my health, drinking more water, eating healthier, taking my vitamins
• listening more intently to David, talking more intently to David
• appreciating my grown children more than ever
• seeing pregnancy as the miracle it is
• loving babies and children more than I ever thought possible
• researching my reproductive system on a medical level (I think every woman should know this stuff)
• understanding grief and learning healthy ways to work through it
• recognizing depression and avoiding it through communication, distraction, friends and family
• having a greater appreciation for the love of my husband, seeing him in a different light
• learning about my relationship and how to nurture it through the sadness
• not taking life for granted, not assuming things will, or should work out the way we 'want'
• being overwhelmed with gratitude that at least I did have children, and will most likely enjoy the miracle of grandchildren
• I now speak 'infertility' and can hear and talk to the other bleeding souls out there who understand
• this blog. 

It's not all peaches and cream.

There are some real differences in my life that also must be noted...

• I cannot truly make the connection between being pregnant and having a baby
• I have spent at least 21 weeks being pregnant or at least being told that I was
• I get angry when people complain about being pregnant or having children
• I sometimes get scared that my sons, or their girlfriends will be scared when it comes time to have their own children
• I thought I would love getting close to and turning 40.  Now it feels like a death sentence - for my unborn children
• I am fearful that I am creating a deep sadness in my husband's soul... a pain-filled chasm deep I will never be able to fill, no matter how many jokes I tell, how many cookies I bake, or how many trips we travel
• there's more, but I'm not the type to dwell on the crappy stuff - for long.

I'm going to give it about 28 days and then I will take the drug (can't think of it right now) that will make me  get my period.  Then, when that happens, I'll start birth control for a month, then schedule my three day scan and then at some point I start lupron shots. 

At the end of that cycle, I start my second IVF cycle.  Just typing that made a familiar little sparkly ball of hope jump around in my stomach.  What if this works?  What if I have a baby of my own next year?  I start to imagine the doctor handing that little baby to my husband, and his reaction, and my sense of relief that I finally did something for someone, for this amazing man, for someone I love more than myself.  Don't think this isn't about me when you read that.  This baby is wanted by me more than... well, you can imagine - you speak 'infertility' too, right?  But when it comes right down to it, I've had children. I've walked that path and he hasn't.... and I want to give it to him.