my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Decision Has Been Made.

First off I must say a huge, heartfelt thank you to the women who read and write on my blog.  Also for the amazing emails of support and encouragement I get.  They are the difference between me carrying on versus becoming a huge bloody bowl of emotional jell-o.   Feedback is like warm fuzzy hugs from a best friend.... hot soup after coming in from a long day in the snow.... you get the picture.  Thank You!

Knowing that there are people out there who actually understand, who actually care about what happens to us is quite overwhelming.  To date, only a handful of family have acknowledged this staggering loss we've experienced, and it truly adds insult to injury.

Is it because they are used to it?  Do they think I'm too old and that it's hopeless, so why encourage me?  Do they think I deserve it?  Do they think we are used to it?  Maybe it's just too uncomfortable for them.  I just can't quite see myself not offering some sort of support to someone I was close to, or even simply knew as a casual friend. 

I don't expect sympathy flowers or cards - I'm not that into my own grief.. but when my little brother came to me and said "I'm really sorry things didn't work out, I hope you guys are okay", my heart just melted and I felt that my loss was somehow honored just a little bit.  That little spark of life, that David and I talked about and dreamt about and already started to love was somehow more... justified by someone else recognizing the pain we experienced from losing that spark, that dream, that hope. 

Okay.  Whining aside.  First off, let me catch you up on how I'm doing. 

I'm doing fine.   That reminds me of a joke we used to say amongst my twenty-something friends.  If you were 'fine', it meant: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  Saying you were fine was code for "I'm having an emotional break down, call the loony bin and make sure my bed is reserved". 

Of course, I am not twenty-something anymore and I am honestly talking about being fine.  Hmmmm lets explore the word.

fine  adj. fin·er, fin·est

1. Of superior quality, skill, or appearance: a fine day; a fine writer.

2. Very small in size, weight, or thickness: fine type; fine paper.

3.   a. Free from impurities.

      b. Metallurgy Containing pure metal in a specified proportion or amount: gold 21 carats fine.

4. Very sharp; keen: a blade with a fine edge.

5. Thin; slender: fine hairs.

6. Exhibiting careful and delicate artistry: fine china.

7. Consisting of very small particles; not coarse: fine dust.

8.    a. Subtle or precise: a fine difference.

       b. Able to make or detect effects of great subtlety or precision; sensitive: has a fine eye for color.

9. Trained to the highest degree of physical efficiency: a fine racehorse.

10. Characterized by refinement or elegance.

11. Satisfactory; acceptable: Handing in your paper on Monday is fine.

12. Being in a state of satisfactory health; quite well: I'm fine. And you?

13. Used as an intensive: a fine mess.
Yes, I would think that fine is the right word to describe how I am, with more than one definition being appropriate.  While looking up the word... I came across these.. which get the idea of the word across in a much more dramatic fashion.
i wonder who pays the $200...

yeah.  i can see that you are. (hugs)

Zara Phillips declared herself "fine" despite suffering a fall at the Bramham International Horse Trials which today forced her to withdraw from the rest of the competition.

(and they say to get right back on the horse after a fall.  i feel her pain - should i also withdraw?)

these are fine, too.

Well.  you get my point.   I'm fine.  Whatever that means!
I actually spent the weekend doing very productive things.  Cleaning, cooking - oh gawd I do love to cook, helping my wonderful mom out with some cleaning and shopping, and writing this lovely blog page of course.  I'm about to go scrub my bathroom and dust the living room and vacuum, which will make me feel especially productive and useful.  Right after I put the second batch of homemade buns in the oven. HA!  "BUNS IN THE OVEN. "
 In the words of my favorite alien, Alf, "Ha! I KILL ME!"

Wow.  I am seriously avoiding.  Okay, dammit.  We've made a decision.  Actually, David did.   I left the timing of the next IVF to him, just laid out my thoughts for him to ponder and ponder he did. He wants us to get right back in the race.  Jump back in the saddle.  Keep paddling for shore.  You know.  Do it again, right away.  I agree.  Although I now equate trying to conceive more with heartache and pain and sadness than actually getting a baby, I am still hopeful and excited and have a possibly retarded thread of golden hope that I lovingly toy with from time to time. 

Looks like the end of September we'll be going for our second IVF.  Yay.  Anyone wanna come keep me company in Vancouver for three weeks?  


  1. OMgosh I am so excited for you!! I know how hard it is to think of all of this ending with a beautiful take home baby. But at least you are trying and not giving up! (Me, I feel like I am giving up since I keep saying this is our Last FET... I'm normally not a quitter). I can't wait to follow you through your journey!! Maybe I should get my passport so I can come visit you in Vancouver (BC I assume?). I'm in Washington State (Tacoma area).
    I feel like jumping up and down!!

  2. Oh sweetie, I am so glad that you are moving forward although it stinks that due to our age, it wasn't recommended for you to wait any longer. That nearly made my hyperventilate since I'm older than you and not even able to actively try at the moment. In any event, I absolutely hope and pray that this next one will be the one! Sometimes it just takes a lot of persistence to make our dreams come true. Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

  3. Yay! I'm so happy for you & David & that you decided to continue. You 2 are so strong & truly an inspiration! I will be following you....wish I can physically follow you in Vancouver, but I have to start teaching the kiddies in September. I know that heartache & pain will bring you & David your miracle that you so deserve!

  4. yay! I'M GLAD you'll be trying again soon. =) I'm looking forward to this new journey...they are all new..... =)

  5. Yayy...I am so happy to hear that you are jumping back into the game in September! I will be here to support you! Best Wishes and Big Hugs!

  6. I am so happy that you are jumping right back in and continuing to work hard to achieve your goals!! You said end of September...meaning that is the transfer date or start of bcp's etc? That isn't that long from now hun.

    You made the right choice! I am so proud of you!! The first poster was from Tacoma, WA.
    I am from Seattle, WA. We should all get together and have a fertility party...ha! That would be fun!

    I hope that you continue to blog frequently. You have many readers who admire your strength and tenacity.


  7. Sure wish I could come keep you company! But my thoughts will be with you, and as always, I'll be following your blog.

  8. I'm really glad to see that you are going to try again. I've been saying prayers for you and David. Your blog continues to be an inspiration to me. Your writing has such beauty and humor--even in such a trying time. I'm pulling for you!
    -Andie from WTE March