Better yet, let me observe the world with a teeny bit of anger and resentment, that way I don't leave any bloody marks across my back and I can just be quietly, invisibly oozing emotional blood, and don't have to cause anyone around me discomfort. (or satisfaction - reflecting on said bitchy people mentioned above)
Okay. So I know it's time to snap out of it. I know I was right, the doctor was wrong, I lost the babies (I can NOT get it out of my head that I was carrying twins). And that chapter is behind me and so forth. I know it's not like me to dwell on crap that I can't change. It's. Not. Like. Me.
But this snapping out is taking a few days longer than usual. It's happening, slowly, but surely... I think that with the oncoming ovulation, a full pharmacy of progesterone supplements and a more than willing husband trying to knock me up again, moving forward is getting a little easier every day. But this one is taking days, not hours, to move past.
Several of my WTE buddies are newly pregnant. It is the first time I have felt both total joy and amazement that someone I have been 'in the trenches' with is pregnant.... and a real anger at being shoved back to the other side of the fence again. Left behind!
Sigh. Not that I didn't feel a true heartache when I last announced my happy pregnancy news on the Grief & Loss board.... so many women trying for so much longer, enduring much more emotionally fatal blows with late-term losses, infertility. I actually had survivor's guilt over being pregnant and not taking every single wanting female with me. Is it selfish to want survivor's guilt over the realization that I am still on the non-survivor side?
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