my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hmmm? What's That Taste?

Bitterness, is it? Well, miss perfect can't always be perfect, right? That was not a real question, it was a self-directed sarcastic remark that I am sure a lot of people, okay, maybe only a couple bitchy ones, would love to throw at me right now. No need. I'm perfectly capable of self-flagellation. Hand me the whip.

Better yet, let me observe the world with a teeny bit of anger and resentment, that way I don't leave any bloody marks across my back and I can just be quietly, invisibly oozing emotional blood, and don't have to cause anyone around me discomfort. (or satisfaction - reflecting on said bitchy people mentioned above)

Okay. So I know it's time to snap out of it. I know I was right, the doctor was wrong, I lost the babies (I can NOT get it out of my head that I was carrying twins). And that chapter is behind me and so forth. I know it's not like me to dwell on crap that I can't change. It's. Not. Like. Me.

But this snapping out is taking a few days longer than usual. It's happening, slowly, but surely... I think that with the oncoming ovulation, a full pharmacy of progesterone supplements and a more than willing husband trying to knock me up again, moving forward is getting a little easier every day. But this one is taking days, not hours, to move past.

Several of my WTE buddies are newly pregnant. It is the first time I have felt both total joy and amazement that someone I have been 'in the trenches' with is pregnant.... and a real anger at being shoved back to the other side of the fence again. Left behind!

Sigh. Not that I didn't feel a true heartache when I last announced my happy pregnancy news on the Grief & Loss board.... so many women trying for so much longer, enduring much more emotionally fatal blows with late-term losses, infertility. I actually had survivor's guilt over being pregnant and not taking every single wanting female with me. Is it selfish to want survivor's guilt over the realization that I am still on the non-survivor side?

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