Okay - that's over!

Yes it was a tough spring.  Yes I wish a lot of things were different, but they aren't and, what is, is.  I often say to those around me "The only thing that makes a bad situation worse is the attitude you have about it."  I've done my best to follow my own advice, and managed to do so fairly well at least. 

So now we're onto the next phase of life - the surreal part of living without my sister, and trying to not calculate how far along I should be with yet another lost pregnancy.

We've got a lot of cool stuff happening in our world.  We are finally getting our huge ass renovations underway at our home that we purchased last fall.  A new stone patio out front, completing the massive deck on the back (landscaping, mostly), and later on, two new bathrooms!  Also, the shop is super duper busy and my kids are doing great... I'm going on a trip to Vegas with my mom and hubby at the end of May, and if I ever, ever start my period, we'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer five weeks later.  That's exciting too!

Speaking of my period, I'm going on nearly 50 days.  ARGH!  C'mon already....

Sigh.

This has been a rough spring.  Some of you may have read about my sister who has had cancer for the past five years.. I've mentioned her a few times through my blog.  I have three other sisters and three other brothers, but I was only close to her and my younger brother. 

So it felt a massive loss when she passed away on April 10th. 

I was close to her, so I knew she was dying.  I accepted it a long time ago.  You just don't beat cancer like she had it.. it was everywhere.  I prayed for her death to be swift.  She was in so.much.pain.  And, she was far away from family with only one sister nearby to help in her care, and a very loving, but tired and in his late 50's husband.

Losing my sister was difficult enough.  The drama and decisions made by those around me were extremely hard to accept in the ensuing week.

I know I am tough and outspoken.  That trait is admired by a lot of people, but dreaded by others.  I know I say what others are thinking at times and it gets me into trouble.  But for every hard reality I've pointed out, there have been a hundred kind words, offers to help, or moments spent listening.  It isn't worth it.  I'm realizing slowly that I have to choose.  Either I keep my mouth shut and have these people 'like' me, or I have an honest relationship with (aka no relationship).

Still... I paid dearly for my big mouth this past week.  A much bigger price than I could ever imagine being due.  Nobody's been outright rude,  but I was sort of treated as a friend of the family, nothing more. 

I struggle with anger, and I know to try and understand is useless.  I can't change anyone, and why would I want to?  But this wasn't about them.  I think they all forgot that while they might not think of me as a close sister, she did.

This is me and my sister at my wedding last year.  We planned the date around her 50th birthday because I felt it would be her last.   

She died 11 months later, to the day.

There is one amazing gift my sister left me, a promise she asked me to keep... that I become a legal guardian of her two precious grandchildren, and to try my best to take her place in their lives.  They are Neveah and James, and thier mom is my sister's youngest daughter, a single mother who faces all the challenges of raising two kids.  My sister, Lori, was a big part in helping her raise the kids, and I am so honored by her wish.  I can never replace her, but I will do my best to be a big part of the kids' lives and  help any way I possibly can..

My great niece and nephew - gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!  I am holding my sister when I hold them.

All Over The Place

I am in a holding pattern.  Too little sleep and too much of a cold to be temping with any accuracy and really don't really want to get that involved in it anyhow.  I have no idea if I've ovulated or if this will be some freakishly long cycle.  I sure hope not... I'm actually looking forward to the FET and the possibility of another bfp.  Hopefully one that sticks this time.

Today in the grocery store I ran into a beautiful young woman and her new baby.  I actually took her and her hsuband's wedding photos (she was a gorgeous bride!), and over the past few years, she kept in touch.  We learned that we had each been having some real heartbreaks with baby-making...  and somehow connected through that, although we don't know each other well at all.  She and her husband endured three miscarriages before the birth of their daughter.  I've had a few tears with her through this journey.. we've seen each other when newly pregnant, or newly un-pregnant, or in her case, newly babied. 

Her daughter is beautiful.  Big, awake eyes and even a tiny, squirmy smile for me from her perch on top of the shopping cart.  Like she had some pretty little secret that only she was wise enough to know.  I can't explain it, but somehow, seeing this young mother, who had endured heartbreak so close to mine, made me feel that the world was still... okay.  Yes, people have miscarriages, and sisters get cancer, and it feels like life is a really bad screenplay at times.... but really, underneath it all, the world is still okay. 

I have a niece who is pregnant, who reads my blog.  She wrote a very touching, heartfelt letter to me the other day which I have not responded to yet.  She reached out to me, offered me both comfort and compassion, and in such a way that I've read her letter more than a couple times.  It's moments like that, people like her, who make the hurt a lot less sharp.  Just someone saying "I'm reading.  I care.  I see you hurting, and I wish I could make it better," makes it better.  To my beautiful niece, many, many thanks.

A new great-nephew was brought into the world today.  Another reminder that life is goes on, that life persists.  The linage extends out, further and further into the world.  A mom sits in a hospital room tonight, sore and tired with an empty belly but full arms.  Nursing sounds are delicate musical notes to a new mother's ears, while new fathers watch in quite fascination.  There is an entirely new lifetime of memories, feelings, emotions, love, anger, dreams, fears... an entire lifetime of... life... wrapped up in that new mother's arms tonight.  That's a nice thought.

I don't know where this post is going.  I just needed to write.  I need to be reminded that life is blooming and budding and there, all around me.

Anything else happening... David and I are really eating better.  Demanding jobs and little time combined with purely being lazy have lead us into a lifestyle and diet that really is lacking.  It's been tough, but feels great.  We're making small changes that are difficult but important.  Portion control is important - we're eating about 1/2 of what we normally would.  We dont feel really 'full' after eating, but we don't feel hungry, either, so we're dealing with it.

We've drastically reduced processed foods and are strict with no junk food, no soft drinks, no unhealthy snacking.  If it doesn't come from the outside isles of the store, we pretty much don't buy it.  If we don't get a lunch for work, it's subway, one of the healthy subs, on brown, with water.  Did I ever mention that my store in the mall is literally next door to panago pizza?  haha - funny until you hit the lunchtime hunger pains and those pizza smells drift through the walls.... 

So far we've kept to this since Monday and it feels fantastic.  I've already lost a couple of pounds and feel better about myself.  Just knowing I'm not doing more damage feels pretty damn good. 

An all over the place post, but that's where I am right now!