Sigh.

This has been a rough spring.  Some of you may have read about my sister who has had cancer for the past five years.. I've mentioned her a few times through my blog.  I have three other sisters and three other brothers, but I was only close to her and my younger brother. 

So it felt a massive loss when she passed away on April 10th. 

I was close to her, so I knew she was dying.  I accepted it a long time ago.  You just don't beat cancer like she had it.. it was everywhere.  I prayed for her death to be swift.  She was in so.much.pain.  And, she was far away from family with only one sister nearby to help in her care, and a very loving, but tired and in his late 50's husband.

Losing my sister was difficult enough.  The drama and decisions made by those around me were extremely hard to accept in the ensuing week.

I know I am tough and outspoken.  That trait is admired by a lot of people, but dreaded by others.  I know I say what others are thinking at times and it gets me into trouble.  But for every hard reality I've pointed out, there have been a hundred kind words, offers to help, or moments spent listening.  It isn't worth it.  I'm realizing slowly that I have to choose.  Either I keep my mouth shut and have these people 'like' me, or I have an honest relationship with (aka no relationship).

Still... I paid dearly for my big mouth this past week.  A much bigger price than I could ever imagine being due.  Nobody's been outright rude,  but I was sort of treated as a friend of the family, nothing more. 

I struggle with anger, and I know to try and understand is useless.  I can't change anyone, and why would I want to?  But this wasn't about them.  I think they all forgot that while they might not think of me as a close sister, she did.

This is me and my sister at my wedding last year.  We planned the date around her 50th birthday because I felt it would be her last.   

She died 11 months later, to the day.

There is one amazing gift my sister left me, a promise she asked me to keep... that I become a legal guardian of her two precious grandchildren, and to try my best to take her place in their lives.  They are Neveah and James, and thier mom is my sister's youngest daughter, a single mother who faces all the challenges of raising two kids.  My sister, Lori, was a big part in helping her raise the kids, and I am so honored by her wish.  I can never replace her, but I will do my best to be a big part of the kids' lives and  help any way I possibly can..

My great niece and nephew - gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!  I am holding my sister when I hold them.