my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

All Over The Place

I am in a holding pattern.  Too little sleep and too much of a cold to be temping with any accuracy and really don't really want to get that involved in it anyhow.  I have no idea if I've ovulated or if this will be some freakishly long cycle.  I sure hope not... I'm actually looking forward to the FET and the possibility of another bfp.  Hopefully one that sticks this time.

Today in the grocery store I ran into a beautiful young woman and her new baby.  I actually took her and her hsuband's wedding photos (she was a gorgeous bride!), and over the past few years, she kept in touch.  We learned that we had each been having some real heartbreaks with baby-making...  and somehow connected through that, although we don't know each other well at all.  She and her husband endured three miscarriages before the birth of their daughter.  I've had a few tears with her through this journey.. we've seen each other when newly pregnant, or newly un-pregnant, or in her case, newly babied. 

Her daughter is beautiful.  Big, awake eyes and even a tiny, squirmy smile for me from her perch on top of the shopping cart.  Like she had some pretty little secret that only she was wise enough to know.  I can't explain it, but somehow, seeing this young mother, who had endured heartbreak so close to mine, made me feel that the world was still... okay.  Yes, people have miscarriages, and sisters get cancer, and it feels like life is a really bad screenplay at times.... but really, underneath it all, the world is still okay. 

I have a niece who is pregnant, who reads my blog.  She wrote a very touching, heartfelt letter to me the other day which I have not responded to yet.  She reached out to me, offered me both comfort and compassion, and in such a way that I've read her letter more than a couple times.  It's moments like that, people like her, who make the hurt a lot less sharp.  Just someone saying "I'm reading.  I care.  I see you hurting, and I wish I could make it better," makes it better.  To my beautiful niece, many, many thanks.

A new great-nephew was brought into the world today.  Another reminder that life is goes on, that life persists.  The linage extends out, further and further into the world.  A mom sits in a hospital room tonight, sore and tired with an empty belly but full arms.  Nursing sounds are delicate musical notes to a new mother's ears, while new fathers watch in quite fascination.  There is an entirely new lifetime of memories, feelings, emotions, love, anger, dreams, fears... an entire lifetime of... life... wrapped up in that new mother's arms tonight.  That's a nice thought.

I don't know where this post is going.  I just needed to write.  I need to be reminded that life is blooming and budding and there, all around me.

Anything else happening... David and I are really eating better.  Demanding jobs and little time combined with purely being lazy have lead us into a lifestyle and diet that really is lacking.  It's been tough, but feels great.  We're making small changes that are difficult but important.  Portion control is important - we're eating about 1/2 of what we normally would.  We dont feel really 'full' after eating, but we don't feel hungry, either, so we're dealing with it.

We've drastically reduced processed foods and are strict with no junk food, no soft drinks, no unhealthy snacking.  If it doesn't come from the outside isles of the store, we pretty much don't buy it.  If we don't get a lunch for work, it's subway, one of the healthy subs, on brown, with water.  Did I ever mention that my store in the mall is literally next door to panago pizza?  haha - funny until you hit the lunchtime hunger pains and those pizza smells drift through the walls.... 

So far we've kept to this since Monday and it feels fantastic.  I've already lost a couple of pounds and feel better about myself.  Just knowing I'm not doing more damage feels pretty damn good. 

An all over the place post, but that's where I am right now!


  1. Hi hon. You have been in my thoughts and prayers with everything you are going through. I think its great that you and David are working towards a healthier life with improved eating habits (I am right there with you). I hope that you continue to take care of yourself as you prepare for your upcoming FET :) and as your sister begins treatment at the new facility, etc. On a side note, I don't know how you manage to avoid the pizza place next door to your shop. I would be so screwed! If I allow myself to get hungry - it would be OVER ;)

  2. Hi Sonya ... it sounds like you're going through the healing process right now and I hope that you begin to feel better everyday. I think it's great that you're adjusting your eating habits -- besides feeling good about yourselves it can only help your chances with the FET as well. I look forward to hearing all about your FET as it approaches!

  3. Glad your body is feeling good...I agree it sounds like a great starting place for healing and improving your FET odds. You go girl!

  4. Thinking about you----you are preparing yourself for the FET pretty well--keep it up! Will be checking in on you!