my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Torn Between Two Men

So after things settled down and the tears were spilled and wiped up, David and I talked.  I was surprised and relieved that he wanted to try again without any pushing on my part.  However, he wants to wait until January, to give ourselves a chance to lead a normal life for a few months, for my body to cleanse itself of all the hormones and to give me a break from the rigors of ivf-life. 

some days i just want to forget everything that's happened.

I spoke to my doctor today.  He said there was no known reason for what was happening to us, but that our miscarriages were not 'clinical miscarriages', and didn't seem to think they would put us at a higher risk for losing more pregnancies.  Bad fucking luck all the way around.  And I am generally known as a woman who has horseshoes up her butt.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe it's the horseshoes up my butt that's causing the baby to not grab on... too uncomfortable.


The RE wants us to try again - no promises, but he thinks we still have a great chance.  However, he said that our chances might lower (would lower) by up to 10% if we waited until January.  Doctor H wants us to try again in late September, because at my age, he said, every month counts and we should try earlier than later. 

If everything were equal, I'd rather wait until January.  David feels the doctor is simply putting us into categories and piling statistics onto us to rush us, but David knows that he can't totally say that Doctor H is wrong.  Do we take that chance?  David feels that the break will do us good ... that it will improve our chances for conception and a healthy pregnancy. 

As far as my feelings...  well... I will have to go through everything no matter what month it is.  It won't matter to me emotionally, I don't think.  I've done pretty well so far.  Pretty well.  I am kind of confused and anxious about what to do.  There have been so many big decisions, so much of our life dedicated to this journey, some hours I just want to let it all go.  Just go back to being newly married and deliriously happy and renovating our home and working to lose the extra weight and not have this miscarriage trying to get pregnant persona attached to everything that I am.

On the other hand, I've got my entire life ahead of me to do that.  I only have a couple of years available to make a baby.  A couple of years that might be just as painful as the last couple of years, but the payoff, if there is one... will make every moment worth it.

So which way do I go... do I put my trust in my husband's instincts or my doctor's educated guess?  I want to do whatever will bring me a baby.... that's all.


  1. I am currently in my first cycle post an IVF chemical pregnancy and agree that the body does take time to recover. I have been charting for several years and am lucky enough to have normal cycles ranging between 28 to 30 days. This cycle is quite different. I am currently on cycle day 36, never detected ovulation and no signs of starting my period any time soon. Even though the IVF cycle has long passed and all tears have been dried, this cycle is a reminder to me that my body is still recovering.

    On the other hand, I agree with your doctor as well. Although labs are excellent today (thank God), at some point they will go south (it happens to every woman).

    My vote would be to split the difference. Allow your body (and mind) a couple of cycles to recover and aim to cycle again in October. You could be done with the cycle before the hustle and bustle of the holidays and before the winter weather hits and makes travel more difficult.

    Whatever you decide, I will be reading, cheering you on AND wishing you all the best!

  2. Well, I can only speak from my experiences with infertility over five long years. The body is an amazing thing and I believe it recovers faster than we think. The fertility drugs are excreted out of our systems fairly quickly. It's the emotional pain that requires MUCH more time to heal.

    For me, the best way to begin the healing process was to jump right back in again. There were times I took a couple of months off to "heal" and found myself even sader and counting down the days even more.

    Of course you value and appreciate your husband's opinion. But, I would listen to what your doctor is telling you too. I've read that fertility dramatically declines once a woman hits her mid-thirties. We are in the prime of our lives in other areas, just not fertility...ha!

    YOU are the one going through the uncomfortable procedures, countless appointments, side effects of the drugs, etc, etc. I think you should listen to what your heart is saying. I am 37 and I know each month is like a clock going tick tock, tick tock. I felt more pressure at my age to try as soon as my period came. If I were in my 20's, I'd would have taken more time off between cycles.

    My advice is to go for it as SOON as you can. I wish you all the best and will continue to read your blog. You have a lot of followers that are so proud of you and are cheering you on!!

  3. I was so hoping for a better outcome with the FET. Course who wouldn't be? As for the time frame.... that is a hard decision. My RE actually wanted me to wait when I would have preferred to go head first into another cycle. I kind of wish we had... I'm at the point now where I'm so afraid to hope anymore and now I don't expect anything from our FET in Sept. Yes I still want it to work... I just can't go through the emotional roller coaster I went through before.

  4. My RE predicts MUCH higher success rates with a fresh transfer, rather than a FET. With that in mind, you should GO FOR IT NOW!!!! Good luck!

    Pleae keep posting here often. There are many women who are following your story and want to see how it turns out!