my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, February 13, 2009

It's Late. I'm Exhausted. And Avoiding.

Avoiding sleep. Again. Not a good sign. Last night there were nightmares again. It's been a while since my old demons visited me, but my name must have come up on their list because they were fucking lined up to greet me last night. One after another, voices, places from my past passed around me, floated in and out, curled up with me in a strange bed, whispering strange ideas and draping me in unfamiliar memories.

Some of the nightmares are completions of goals, of ideals that I used to have. Strange contemplations of ideas on how I once wished life would turn out, leaving me confused and puzzled when I awake, questioning both my previous ideals and decisions. A taste of what I thought could have been left in my sleepy mouth and brain.

I always wake up pissed off and exhausted from those dreams. My body is tense from emotional strain, I never know if it's 2 a.m. or if I'm late for work. All sense of right, wrong and time are smashed together. And then the cycle starts. I avoid bed at night. Avoid sleeping. Avoid visiting old friends in my dreams who were never friends in life. Avoid the confusion, sometimes tears, sometimes screams that I know will sweep into my brain the moment my eyes close.

Sometimes I am shocked at how easily we sleep at all. I mean... we are so fucking vulnerable. Just laying there, basically helpless, bellies and faces exposed to whatever may wander past our lairs. What could be going on around our unconscious bodies while we lay in complete abandon of awareness? And yes, this is what happens when I don't sleep. Four, five hours of confusion or terror or some combination of the two.

Oh yeah... Day four of round two of clomid. I am starting to know the lingo. Starting to know the next steps and the reasons the last ones failed. Starting to think that a pregnancy is looming but the idea is still hard to process. So. Tired.

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