my Self

My photo
Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Perhaps, maybe?

The neatest thing about trying to conceive (TTC) is that it's kind of like playing the lottery and having a 50/50 chance of winning every month. The crappy thing is that you only get to play once a month.

When you are TTC with fertility drugs, as I am, you get your mind messed with. Imagine someone reading out the numbers on a million dollar lottery.... one number each day.. and there's 14 numbers, and every day you get the right number.... closer, closer, closer.... 13 out of 14 numbers and a 50/50 chance of getting the last number correct.... oh gawd the emotional drain!

The reason I'm using that example is that the drugs mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. You get all the pregnancy signs whether you get a baby or not. So you are kind of miserable and happy about being miserable. And you're all excited as each number, each day, takes your chances of winning up.

And you look up the same stupid things online that you did the last month, as if reading about sore boobs and emotional swings will somehow change what already has or has not happened deep inside. It's happened. Give it up already! Or.. it hasn't.

I am invited to a friend's baby shower tomorrow. No big deal, right? I mean, I am overjoyed at a successful birth and happy that a friend is getting to celebrate, but this is when I was due. This is when I am really aware of *my* baby *not* being here and I'm not sure if I'm ready to partake in that particular event. I feel a little guilty about being so selfish, but it feels good to be selfish, too. Like taking a rest because you've worked harder than everyone else, but they're still working.

No comments:

Post a Comment