When you are TTC with fertility drugs, as I am, you get your mind messed with. Imagine someone reading out the numbers on a million dollar lottery.... one number each day.. and there's 14 numbers, and every day you get the right number.... closer, closer, closer.... 13 out of 14 numbers and a 50/50 chance of getting the last number correct.... oh gawd the emotional drain!
The reason I'm using that example is that the drugs mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. You get all the pregnancy signs whether you get a baby or not. So you are kind of miserable and happy about being miserable. And you're all excited as each number, each day, takes your chances of winning up.
And you look up the same stupid things online that you did the last month, as if reading about sore boobs and emotional swings will somehow change what already has or has not happened deep inside. It's happened. Give it up already! Or.. it hasn't.
I am invited to a friend's baby shower tomorrow. No big deal, right? I mean, I am overjoyed at a successful birth and happy that a friend is getting to celebrate, but this is when I was due. This is when I am really aware of *my* baby *not* being here and I'm not sure if I'm ready to partake in that particular event. I feel a little guilty about being so selfish, but it feels good to be selfish, too. Like taking a rest because you've worked harder than everyone else, but they're still working.