Starting Over

It hasn't just been the latest loss that has kept me away.  There has been a lot going on in my life that has nothing to do with my uterus.  Although I wish none of it were happening, it has given my tired brain and heart a break from all things pregnancy.

I keep typing out a sentence or two about what's going on but nothing seems right, so I'll just be simple about it.  I have a sister who has been undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer for what seems like forever, and the doctors have said there is nothing more they can do for her.  Our family has decided to send her to Mexico for alternative treatment.  I have very mixed feelings about this, but ultimately want what is best for my sister. 

I was at her house on Vancouver Island last week, helping out, when my miscarriage began.  Actually it began about an hour before we left for the airport.  I would have liked to have just been home, but perhaps being so busy and emotional about other matters was easier in the long run.

So.  What is, is. 

Emotionally I don't know what is going on.  It's difficult to take time out to think about my own losses when something such a massive black cloud has moved over my entire family.  I know I went through a short period where I hated seeing pregnancy tickers, pregnancy announcements and bulging bellies.  They pretty much pissed me off.  I went through a short time of feeling completly, totally empty.  Then I really just wanted to start again right away, almost in a panic. 

Now that things have lulled for a few days (while she prepares for Mexico, and is still managing to eat and drink and be fairly mobile), I have some stolen moments to think about myself, and David. 

We agreed that we will wait one cycle and when I get my period, I start birth control pills and possibly a GnFH agonist, although I wasn't given an agonist the last time.  After I get my second period, I will start some hormone injects, like shots of estrogen to build my uterine lining.  I'm unclear as to whether we do shots to surpress ovulation... I guess not as we are not doing an egg retrieval.  Anyhow, after two weeks, I travel to Vancouver, make sure my uterine lining is thick enough and do the transfer.

We have four frozen embies.  The thaw survival rate is about 80% at my clinic.  We will thaw until we get three viable embies and will transfer all three. 

It looks like we'll be doing my next transfer sometime in June. 

The support of all your notes and kindness has made this a lot easier.  I really appreciate everything that is said, and the fact that people care is just overwhelming.. big hugs!