my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, March 5, 2010

New Things

I thought I would try some new things.  A new blog layout for one.  And I went shopping yesterday for another.  I am trying to combat my anxiousness with positive thinking and distraction.  I've been distracting myself with work, it's ridiculously busy in the store, but as the ultrasound date grows near, my thoughts snap back to the looming possibilities the very second I have a free moment.

The weather here in our area of Canada is wonderously warm and spring seems to have leapt out of the snowy shadows and pounced on us all.  While the rushing water and rapidly retreating snow is wonderful, it also means changes in David's work plans.  He might not be able to make it back for the ultrasound.  His job is essential most of all, near the end of the job, and the warm weather is stealing days and even weeks from the pipeline crews' schedule.  If he comes home on the 8th, an essential part of his work will be left in someone elses' hands, and he might not even have to go back for just a day or two.  On the other hand, he will get one more good solid week and a half of work in if he sticks it out.  We justify losing the ultrasound experience by saying that one stint of work will be worth a year's worth of diapers, a new nursery, carseat and so on... but we both really would trade it for being together at that really scary, exciting time.  The truth is, if he bails now, he loses credibility and in his job, credibility is worth a LOT of years' of work, so it's not just those few days of income he might lose if he left at such a crutial time.

I haven't decided if I want to be alone when I get the ultrasound, or have my mom there.  I know she'll be wonderful either way, and I don't think she's ever seen an early ultrasound... or even an ultrasound with a baby at all.  And if things go sideways, well... I'll need her there.  On the other hand, I can prepare myself for the worst and deal with it quietly, on my own if I have to, and save mom the sadness of having to see me cry.  Lovely decisions.

My symptoms are different.  Not as consistant, but changing a bit.  My boobs are not as sore as they were, although they do have thier moments.  I am not quite as tired as I was, but I am not energetic by any means... I am still moving in sloth like motion.  I have had no spotting, no cramping, but my lower back is sore from time to time.  I've been waking up with nausea and icky heartburn.  I kind of had a bit of a panic this evening and managed to contribute a few drops of pee (I had just gone an hour before) so I could do an internet cheapie hpt.  It is blaringly positive.  By far darker than the last one I took (at least a week ago).  So I am over 7 weeks pregnant and still testing.  *crazy laugh*

Oh, a little tidbit to my last post.... the evil bitchy ultrasound tech used my 'official' 7 week viability ultrasound requisition and used it at the 6 week ultrasound that was so poorly done.  So I found out I had NO early ultrasound at all, and had been 'bumped' to the 15th.... into my 9th week.  I freaked out, and found another lab, 45 minutes away, who would do the ultrasound on the 9th.  Gawd.  That's what I get for trying to get some help.   I know people who have abused the medical system to the point of ridiculous, who are constantly booking appointments, specialists, and wasting our resources on drug induced, or self induced, or imagined illnesses.  I've never done that.  I've never had a surgery that I didn't end up paying for, I've never been carried on our medical system because I couldn't pay, my kids only ever had one trip EACH to emergency in their first 17 years.  I f*cking deserved to have a 15 minute ultrasound after all we've gone through, with the machine sitting right there.  I know with the size of the gestational sac, we should have seen a yolk sac and maybe heartbeat if she'd bothered with a transvaginal ultrasound.  Man, am I ranting now!! *laugh!!*

Oh, and I wanted to thank all of you for the blog stalks and comments.  Welcome to the new followers!!  I haven't been updating because I am essentially just writing thoughts and nothing really that has happened.  I can't give anyone any answers, good or bad, because I don't have any to give.  It's Friday.  I have to wait Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Three days - yay!

Oh, and the shopping?  My super over bearing girlfriend who I love endlessly and wouldn't change for the world actually forced me to buy a pair of maternity jeans.  I was horrified to even look at them, but they were on sale for $2 (yes, that's two dollars) and she was going to buy them for me if I didn't.  Then, she MADE me try them on.  I can only say that those are the most comfortable pair of anythings I've ever had on my body.  LOL  And you can't tell they're maternity.    The other thing I did was pick up material for a baby quilt.  If I am not pregnant, I can give it to one of the many upcoming babies who are safely on their way (I assume this because I am not the one carrying them..).  I'll post a photo of the material and my progress as it happens.


  1. I tested all throughout my first trimester, don't feel bad! I think I took about 10 before I allowed myself to relax and enjoy it! LOL
    I am so glad everything is going so well for you. It's unfortunate that people like those techs can be jerks. Don't they realize they are working with scared hormonal women??!?! They just need to do as we say, damnit.
    Looking forward to the next update!!

  2. So glad to hear all is going well! I am really sorry that your husband can't be there for your first u/s, but hopefully he will be there for other ones and you can bring your mom to this one if you decide to. I know it's not the same though. =(

    The spring is coming out for us, too, and I am sooooo happy. The past 2 days I've been able to take a walk outside and it has done wonders for my mood!

    Good luck at your u/s!!!! I will check back for an update.

  3. I'm so glad you finally posted! I've been a little worried about you but only b/c you've been so quiet and I know how worried you have been. It sounds as though you are doing well keeping busy and distracting yourself. Keep us the good work! I totally understand and would be doing the same thing. Also, I LOVE your new blog design. Very pretty. Keep us posted honey and take care of yourself and the little one! Hugs!

  4. It is wonderful to hear from you. I have been thinking of you. I am glad things are still running (mostly) smoothly. Aside from that crazy U/S tech. WTH?

    I have to admit I love maternity jeans. They are one of the greatest things ever and $2 is a steal!

    I am sorry David cannot be with you for the U/S. If it were me I would definetely take someone, to share the joy with!

    I cannot wait to hear about your U/S tomorrow.