I have this amazing relationship with a man who not only listens, and holds me, and comforts me, but who talks to me about how he's feeling, who knows when he needs to be held, and who trusts me enough to comfort him as well. He lets me rant when I need it, without taking anything I say really seriously, and he supports me, whether I pull a 14 hour day at work (yesterday) or just want to curl up and watch television for six hours and eat. He knows enough to do the same for himself.
The first day was the worst. I was feeling a lot of guilt for how relieved I was. I know that sounds bad, but I knew a long time ago that something wasn't right. I begged doctors and clinics for early tests, but was treated like an annoyance. My tests were great! I was pregnant! No spotting, no cramping! Couldn't you just be fucking happy now that you're pregnant?! I see-sawed between feeling guilt at my paranoia and dread from knowing something wasn't right.
The medical community 'felt bad'. My new doctor was shocked and vowed to trust my instincts a lot more. he promised weekly ultrasounds for weeks six through nine the next time we get pregnant. The clinic took me back under their wing and were concerned and attentive. Friends and family were sheepish, disbelieving, and very, very sad. David was more surprised and saddened than anyone. He was so sure we were going to see a heartbeat.
So anyhow. It's over. It was over before it began. It was actually another chemical pregnancy, which is 50% across the board as we all know. Blighted ovum happens in about 20% of those miscarriages. The body, happily thinking it's pregnant, goes on to create the environment for baby. I am as pregnant as you can get without a baby on board. I have all the tiredness, emotional mood swings, backache, tender breasts, swelling tummy (helped by all the drugs) but... oh crap, we forgot the baby! ha. ha. ha.
I took pills last night, vaginally, to induce the miscarriage. Is it a miscarriage now? More of a cleansing. Giving my hard working, hopeful little urterus the bad news. There's a funeral going on below my beltline. At 4:20 a.m. I woke up to deep, mournful cramps. Got up, made myself a cup of hot, sweet tea, and began the business of truly letting this pregnancy go.
Thank you all so very much for the support and love. I truly think it helped us deal with things so quickly and honestly. We are not worried... we know we can get pregnant... we are just happy my body is so merciful and flushes out the 'bad eggs', saving us from tough decisions later down the road.
my Self
- Sonya
- Fort St John, BC, Canada
- My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!
Hey Sonya, first - I'm sorry I missed the earlier news. Blighted ovum - "nature's greatest mindfuck" is the term I coined for that. Sucks bad and I'm so sorry you have to add that one to your list. Second, the doubting and the worrying that something isn't wrong: that's just the hardest part about losing multiple pregnancies in whatever way. I've found my mind to be playing tricks on me all the time, even still - where I start to doubt, and have freak-out moments that something isn't right, only to have the docs tell me everything's OK. Or not. On more than one occasion, my own gut instinct has been right. The problem now is, I have no idea where to draw the line between reality and my own mental freaking out - so I just kind of bumble along and go with it, and hope my docs will do tests when I demand them.
ReplyDeleteFinally, of course: GRRREAT that you have a good man in your life. I get that completely. It can make all the difference. :-)
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something to say that could solve problems and numb pain. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to vent let me know, I can give you my email address and you can vent away.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you and praying for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but at the same time incredibly thankful that you have your incredible husband there, supporting you, loving you and holding your hand when you need it.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Sonya I have been thinking of you a lot this past week. I wish this had turned out differently, but I am so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with your husband and that you can comfort one another during this time. You endured so much ... my heart goes out to you. Praying you get some peace soon.
ReplyDeletewow so sorry to hear that. I too had a blighted ovum. But, I guess, I'm different in the fact that I belived I had a baby. The egg did fertilize but, somehow the baby didnt materialize. All the chromosones were there just somehow imcompatible with life. I know it hurts, but, there was a life there.
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