To Recap It All....

Okay... realized I don't have a timeline that I can go back to... one that is written out for all of us who like to see the days and times and numbers written out in simple form. So.. here it is:

MC last July at 8.5 weeks, the day after we saw HB....

I was tested in December and have low progesterone, 9.6.

My doc put me on 50mg clomid in January and progesterone at 8DPO was 40.

I had already asked the doctor twice about progesterone supplements. He said:

Progesterone is 'ancient' and a 'waste of money'. He said doctors prescribed it to make their patients feel a false sense of security.

We got pregnant 2nd round clomid (February)....

I went to my regular doc for the supplement and she refused to go around my obgyn (he's the resident RE - we are in a small town)... That was about 14DPO.... She wouldn't even give me a beta because I had 12 positive tests and they were getting darker.

At 17DPO I started spotting a teeny bit and temp dropped... lines on tests became lighter.
So I went to the obgyn and he did give me a beta and I INSISTED on a progesterone count.

At 18DPO I went back to his office, and begged for a script, but found out my beta was 6. Horrid considering I was getting tests for ten days with lines. The baby was dying... and the timing was PERFECT for a dying corpus luteum and me failing to produce the progesterone needed between 2 and 14 weeks!

I insisted on pushing my point the obgyn, an older, 'been there done that' doc. He said 'show me something on the internet that proves progesterone works!' and I replied 'show me something in your medical journals that proves it doesn't.'

I walked out with a script for progesterone - with no instructions on how or when to use it, or how much to take, and my baby dying, or already have died. Too Late!

I did my research.... and in REOCCURING miscarriages, progesterone can improve the chances of a live birth from 30% to 80%

Patient, Heal Thyself!!!

Progesterone, Why is it so Important?
the keep-it-simple version

I shamelessly stole this amazing blog from another woman who obviously needed some answers as much as I did. I followed her trail of bread crumbs to the website:

Saving Babies Online - Please visit it if you want some really amazing info...

I'd like to thank her for her research, and say a little 'sorry' for stealing her well written info. Not that I feel bad about it. This information NEEDS to be passed around as much as possible.

The Importance of Progesterone:

Progesterone is important not only to keeping a pregnancy but also may determine whether or not you conceive. During your cycle, the uterine lining grows thicker in anticipation of a fertilized egg and progesterone helps ensure the endometrium (lining) is ready. Progesterone is responsible for preparing the uterus for implantation. If you have low progesterone, chances are the baby will not be able to implant which may result in a chemical pregnancy. And, low progesterone may keep you from ovulating.

Keep in mind that once both estrogen and progesterone levels drop, your body prepares to break down the lining and thus your period begins. If your progesterone is dropping during pregnancy, you are in danger of losing the baby.

Some symptoms of low progesterone:

If you have short cycles (25 days or under), you may have low progesterone. As women age, progesterone may decrease as well. Other symptoms may be severe PMS and weight gain. Stress, which stimulates cortisol production, will also decrease progesterone production making conception more difficult and could jeopardize a pregnancy. Progesterone actually produces a more calming effect than cortisol which increases stress.

Natural or Synthetic (man-made) Progesterone:

Although I'm reading a lot on the benefits of both synthetic and natural progesterone in maintaining a pregnancy, there does seem to be some consensus that synthetic progesterone may cause some birth defects. I haven't really seen that those studies are reproducible and am unsure how valid they are, but the risk of birth defects should be taken into consideration.

Natural progesterone, however, looks to be much safer with no side effects as long as you don't overload yourself with it. Also topical progesterone and injected progesterone seems to be more effective than progesterone taken orally.

What it boils down to is this:

If you have short cycles, have suffered from infertility or are a bit older than the average mother, you may want to have your progesterone checked. The best time to get checked is around the time of ovulation so you can begin taking supplements if needed. Natural progesterone seems to be a safer than synthetic progesterone and can aid in both achieving and maintaining a pregnancy. Take what you've learned about progesterone to your doctor. If you have a doctor who is not open to testing for progesterone, it may be time to find a new doctor.

What are Typical Progesterone Levels?
(taken from www.fertilityplus.org 's website)

Mid-Luteal Phase
5+ ng/ml -- A level of 5 indicates some kind of ovulatory activity, though most doctors want to see a level over 10 on unmedicated cycles, and over 15 with medications. There is no mid-luteal level that predicts pregnancy.

First Trimester
10-90 ng/ml -- Average is about 20 at 4 weeks LMP, and 40 at 14 weeks LMP. It is important to note that while a higher progesterone level corresponds with higher pregnancy success rates, one cannot fully predict outcome based on progesterone levels.

Second Trimester
25-90 ng/ml -- Average is 40 at beginning, 90 at end.Third Trimester 49-423 ng/ml Usually peaks at about 175.

One note, FertilityPlus has some wonderful information, however, they do take the stance that beginning progesterone supplements after a positive test is unlikely to do much.

I've been able to find studies online to contradict that opinion. I'll be sharing some of those studies below!

Studies involving Progesterone
why progesterone may be more important than you or your doctor realize

Feel free to take a look at the links and then take this information and discuss it with your health care provider.more to follow...

A combination treatment of prednisone, aspirin, folate, and progesterone in women with idiopathic recurrent miscarriage: a matched-pair study.
In a nutshell, this study found that taking this combination resulted in a much higher rate of live births (77% vs. 35% in the group who were not treated) in women who have had recurrent miscarriages.

Use of synthetic progesterone in the treatment of threatened habitual miscarriage
Synthetic progesterone was begun no earlier than 7 weeks in women who were 7 to 16 weeks pregnant and experiencing a threatened miscarriage. Of those studied, approximately 8% miscarried, 9% experienced preterm birth and 82% gave birth 'normally'.

Effects of vaginal progesterone on pain and uterine contractility in patients with threatened abortion before twelve weeks of pregnancy.
This study found that the use of vaginal progesterone diminished pain and contractions in women with threatened abortion. They also found that the placebo group had twice the miscarriage rate of the supplemented group.

Okay, then..

Pregnant. Not Pregnant. For a woman who writes - A LOT - this blog has been pretty difficult to get my mind around. I avoided coming to my site because I would have to see my 'happy pregnant blog' and photos of my new baby.

However, it has to be faced. Like telling the few friends and family that I trusted with the early news. Like the photos of my beautiful positive pregnancy tests. Like the tests themselves. Like the stupid emails coming, with information about being 'five weeks pregnant... six weeks pregnant'. It has to be faced.

So here we go. For one thing I have to say that I handled it great. Like a champion! Threw out all the positive pregnancy tests. Facebooked a couple close friends, phoned the in-laws, ordered Boston Pizza (with cheesecake for desert), pulled my huge comforter off my bed and onto the couch, and ate cheesy, saucy, hot pasta with ice cold pepsi followed by caramel drenched cheesecake while watching a chick flick and cuddling with the cat. Could be worse I guess. There were a couple tears of frustration, but they were pretty much in private and I managed to spare my loved ones any more trauma than they had to endure.

So I am pretty pissed off at my doctor. He doesn't 'believe' in prescribing progesterone. Progesterone is what my body isn't doing properly. It's the hormone that is needed to build up the uterine lining (placenta). I am on Clomid, which does trigger the corpus luteum to blast out a healthy does of progesterone.... but that little bugger dies (the corpus luteum) about 14 days after ovulation and surprise, surprise, that's just about when I started to lose the baby.

I went in to see him and told him that I had done a ton of research. I told him that every fertility clinic I'd researched used Progesterone. I told him that I knew alot of women who were on the drug to help them get through the first 14 weeks. (The placenta takes over producing the hormone at that time). I told him I needed to know I was doing all I could do to save my babies' lives, regardless of how HE felt about it.

He told me to "show me something off the internet that proves progesterone prevents miscarriages", and I replied, "show me something in your medical journals that proves it doesn't". I did a lot of research tonight on this hormone and here is some information that came up on some very reputable websites:

Trials that show benefit to progesterone supplementation are few and far between. A Cochrane Review on the matter reviewed 14 trials and found no statistical evidence that using progesterone supplements reduced the miscarriage rates for women who had one miscarriage prior to the trial. Cochrane Reviews are generally felt by the medical community to be a fairly definitive word since they usually compile results from multiple prescreened trials in order to generate results of statistical significance.

But the same Cochrane Review also found evidence that progesterone supplements might help women with recurrent miscarriages, stating, "In a subgroup analysis of three trials involving women who had recurrent miscarriages (three or more consecutive miscarriages), progestogen treatment showed a statistically significant decrease in miscarriage rate compared to placebo or no treatment (OR 0.39, 95% CI 0.17 to 0.91)."


Anyhow. I got my progesterone supplements. Too late, of course. The baby had already died and my body was preparing to flush everything out as I was sitting there having the conversation with the doc. The same one I'd had THREE times before about this hormone.



I'll never know if this baby died because of natural chromosomal issues, or because I didn't get the progesterone in my system fast enough. I will NEVER know, but I will ALWAYS suspect.

Now back to the clomid and trying again....

4 Week Old Fetus

Wow. Freaky. I'm Pregnant.

So I took 12 pregnancy tests. T-W-E-L-V-E. Okay. 13. The "most advanced piece of technology you can pee on" was negative, which sucked and sent me into a downward emotional spiral until I retested that evening with two more brand name tests and they were both positive.

The photo to the right is the last test... I had to prove to the digital world that I was pregnant. Besides, there's something wickedly delicious about having that word magically appear as a result of peeing on something.

I'm due on November 13th. That's Friday the 13th if you want to look it up on a calendar, which you most likely don't... but it's an interesting enough trivia that I thought I'd mention it!

We got pregnant on the weekend of the Vagina Monologues. How appropriate!

So far, it's going okay, I guess. Lots of pregnancy signs are a good thing. I am currently sitting in what seems like an unnatural position on the couch with a couch cushion behind my back because it hurts! My back, not the couch cushion. My breasts feel like they are being squeezed in a vice and my gassy tummy would make a truck driver blush. Shall we discuss the hormones?

I went to the doctor's office this morning and cried for most of the appointment. I was embarassed so I cried some more. She wouldn't give me a beta test because she said I was *obviously * pregnant, and I didn't need more numbers to agonize over. Instead she ordered an early ultrasound to check for 'multiples'.

Huh? Pardon me? She wants to check for TWINS????? It seems that I have a lot of factors that put me into that category. Fertility drugs. Age. Lots of eggs. Sounds like we are making an omelette. And the onslaught of major, major preggo signs. So..... although I am not convinced I am having twins, I am kind of in shock that the doctor even suggested it. She even wrote on the ultrasound request "check for possible multiples".

Okay. Later.

Perhaps, maybe?

The neatest thing about trying to conceive (TTC) is that it's kind of like playing the lottery and having a 50/50 chance of winning every month. The crappy thing is that you only get to play once a month.

When you are TTC with fertility drugs, as I am, you get your mind messed with. Imagine someone reading out the numbers on a million dollar lottery.... one number each day.. and there's 14 numbers, and every day you get the right number.... closer, closer, closer.... 13 out of 14 numbers and a 50/50 chance of getting the last number correct.... oh gawd the emotional drain!

The reason I'm using that example is that the drugs mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. You get all the pregnancy signs whether you get a baby or not. So you are kind of miserable and happy about being miserable. And you're all excited as each number, each day, takes your chances of winning up.

And you look up the same stupid things online that you did the last month, as if reading about sore boobs and emotional swings will somehow change what already has or has not happened deep inside. It's happened. Give it up already! Or.. it hasn't.

I am invited to a friend's baby shower tomorrow. No big deal, right? I mean, I am overjoyed at a successful birth and happy that a friend is getting to celebrate, but this is when I was due. This is when I am really aware of *my* baby *not* being here and I'm not sure if I'm ready to partake in that particular event. I feel a little guilty about being so selfish, but it feels good to be selfish, too. Like taking a rest because you've worked harder than everyone else, but they're still working.

Touchy, Touchy!

That's me the last three days.... really quite touchy and not in a 'oh, feel me!' kind of way. I mean in a grrrrr kind of way. A confrontational way. A not-like-me kind of way.

Times like this make me really dislike the effects of the Clomid. I mean, the Clomid is doing it's job, but part of that job is to create a hormone whose effects on the body are very much like pregnancy.

Bloating. Gassy. Moodiness. Anxiety. Sore boobs. Lovely, eh? It's a good thing you get these symptoms AFTER you ovulate because there wouldn't be a lot of BD'ing going on with a bloated, gassy, anxious, pissed off woman with sore tits, would there? Thank God David's gone right now. I think I'd be more apt to a toe-to-toe i-told-you-so kind of interaction than anything he might have in mind.

And this isn't like me. I try to be so supportive of him when he's gone. Nothing a man likes more than to call home after along day and have his wife nag and tell him how lonely she is or how much she thinks his decision on the wedding bands wasn't what she wanted. But the last three days I've actually cried when he was on the phone. CRIED?! Once over the dog shedding in the house. Yeah. I admitted it. Laugh away.

I am hopeful about this cycle simply because the last time I remember being so bitchy was the last time I was pregnant. I was a freak. I called my oldest son and actually picked a fight with him. I *never* do crap like that. I have other symptoms, even at only 6DPO, but nothing that can't be directly related to Clomid. My little wonder drug. hehe

Okay. Enough rambling. It's late again. I'm avoiding sleep again. Goodnight to Jerry, way up North in some oilfield camp. Goodnight to Mason, working night shift on a water treatment site out in a farmer's field. Goodnight to David... way East in some oilfield camp. None of my men are in thier own beds tonight. I miss them all!

The Other Woman.

It has to be mentioned. It's part of our life. David has another love, whom he lives with over half the year. Lovingly referred to as 'the Patch'. She's the first wife who has first rights to his time, his thoughts, his time his hands, his time, his attention, his time... Did I mention his time? For anyone who does not live in Mid-Western Canada and whose living does not to a great degree rely directly or indirectly on the oil that we suck from the earth... the 'patch' is the oil patch. Black Gold. Pipeline. Station. Rig. Roughneck. Inspector. The Line. Big Pipe. First Love. Money. Lifestyle.

This lifestyle has a huge impact on our day to day living. Financially it's like winning the lottery. Emotionally it's like claiming bankruptcy. Well. Not most days.. just some days. I counted (David finds it both sad and amazing that I do things like this) the past twelve months and he's been home less than five months.

I said something to him the other day, "We live together only four or five months out of the year," and it really bothered him... But I explained that I *have* to think like that. I have to wrap my head around the fact that for a great deal of time I do essentially live alone. I do all the shopping, cleaning, decisions, cooking, arranging of furniture, entertaining of guests, decorating for changing seasons, alone.

~Notice what she's looking at...love that...~

I can't live like I have a husband at home, because I don't. I can't pretend that I have this happy couple life where I get the luxury of sharing meals, events, favorite television shows, my bed, on a regular basis. If I did pretend that, I'd get resentful because it just ain't happening. And this lifestyle has NO room for resentment.

So, I explained, I accept the fact that I am a married person living a single life (sans dating!) and it makes it easier for me. I accept that when he gets home in the spring I will have about six weeks before I start counting down the time until he leaves again. I accept that we will have to re-arrange our living habits again, like we do every time we start to live together again.

David is doing what he needs to do in order to provide and protect me and my children. I am doing what I need to do in order to help him accomplish that. I am grateful for his work, grateful that he is a man I can trust, even when he can't be seen. Grateful for my freaky attitude in dealing with this strange marriage that imposes itself like an unwelcome houseguest in our lives.

And baby making? Well I finally had enough last fall when I realized we would lose four months of trying as a result of his schedule. We did miss two. January and February were re-arranged to match up with my schedule, which is almost as hard to change as his! I don't mind if we don't get pregnant... but I sure as hell mind if we can't even try.

Weighed. Measured. Lacking.

So since this is supposed to be a pregnancy (or trying to get and stay pregnant blog) I guess I'd better write about that a bit. I lost our baby last summer. I went a long time thinking it was something wrong with the baby, that it was 'nature's way' of taking care of business, but then I went and got tested.

Then I found out it was me. I was responsible for the baby slipping out of me. My body was the imperfect one.

I had my FSH levels tested and they were a beautiful 6... "the eggs of a 25 year old, as my doc put it." Here's the sci-fi version of what FSH levels are:

"FSH stands for follicle stimulating hormone, and is one of the more important ways in which the brain talks to the ovaries. Simply, the brain releases FSH when it wants the ovaries to mature an egg; as the ovaries choose and mature the egg, hormone products from the ovaries signal the brain to decrease the release of FSH. This is an example of a feedback loop.

The FSH test is the simplest method we know of in 1998 to test the ability of the eggs to talk back to the brain. If the system is functioning the way it should, then the FSH level early in the cycle should be on the lower end of the scale.

FSH is reported in "units" and results from 2 units to 7 are probably normal in just about any lab.

Levels above 25 are probably abnormal.

The area between 9-24 may represent normal or abnormal levels, depending on how the test is performed."

I was happy. I had young eggs! Then my progesterone levels came back. Ugh. Here's what progesterone is and why you should be tested if you've had a miscarriage:

"One of progesterone's most important functions is to cause the endometrium to secrete special proteins during the second half of the menstrual cycle, preparing it to receive and nourish an implanted fertilized egg. If implantation does not occur, estrogen and progesterone levels drop, the endometrium breaks down and menstruation occurs.
If a pregnancy occurs, progesterone is produced in the placenta and levels remain elevated throughout the pregnancy.

High progesterone levels are believed to be partly responsible for symptoms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), such as breast tenderness, feeling bloated and mood swings. When you skip a period, it could be because of failure to ovulate and subsequent low progesterone levels.

A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle. There is no mid-luteal level that predicts pregnancy."

My progesterone was a lousy 9.6. The doctor, knowing I was internet-educated and couldn't be fooled, admitted that there was a good chance that my baby was lost because I stressed myself out when I also had low progesterone. Schloop. Body releases uterine lining and baby right along with it. So while I dragged my ass with that knowledge, I was glad I had been tested. At least... now... I wouldn't have to do that to another fetus. Another son or daughter who *should* have been.

Here's the good news. Clomid. More about that when I blog again....

It's Late. I'm Exhausted. And Avoiding.

Avoiding sleep. Again. Not a good sign. Last night there were nightmares again. It's been a while since my old demons visited me, but my name must have come up on their list because they were fucking lined up to greet me last night. One after another, voices, places from my past passed around me, floated in and out, curled up with me in a strange bed, whispering strange ideas and draping me in unfamiliar memories.

Some of the nightmares are completions of goals, of ideals that I used to have. Strange contemplations of ideas on how I once wished life would turn out, leaving me confused and puzzled when I awake, questioning both my previous ideals and decisions. A taste of what I thought could have been left in my sleepy mouth and brain.

I always wake up pissed off and exhausted from those dreams. My body is tense from emotional strain, I never know if it's 2 a.m. or if I'm late for work. All sense of right, wrong and time are smashed together. And then the cycle starts. I avoid bed at night. Avoid sleeping. Avoid visiting old friends in my dreams who were never friends in life. Avoid the confusion, sometimes tears, sometimes screams that I know will sweep into my brain the moment my eyes close.

Sometimes I am shocked at how easily we sleep at all. I mean... we are so fucking vulnerable. Just laying there, basically helpless, bellies and faces exposed to whatever may wander past our lairs. What could be going on around our unconscious bodies while we lay in complete abandon of awareness? And yes, this is what happens when I don't sleep. Four, five hours of confusion or terror or some combination of the two.

Oh yeah... Day four of round two of clomid. I am starting to know the lingo. Starting to know the next steps and the reasons the last ones failed. Starting to think that a pregnancy is looming but the idea is still hard to process. So. Tired.

A Visit In Edmonton. Wedding Plans. Clomid.

I went and visited David in Edmonton last week. We met on Jan 16th and I flew home on the 20th... it was one of the nicest times we've spent together! We met David's old buddies for a great dinner and basically spent the rest of the weekend eating at our favorite restaurants, catching a couple excellent films and just being in love.

I've started the wedding plans full tilt... so much fun! I am beyond thrilled that Lori is coming with us.... Excited about the wedding... David and I are writing our own vows, which will be read at the ceremony. There are still a lot of things to plan out but most of it is falling into place pretty easily.

There is also news on the conception front. My doctor put me on clomid this month and it looks like I ovulated at the right time and have a good chance for a pregnancy! Ovulation was hell on my body, a good sign. Cramping, naseua, sore breasts and fatigue. Yes, I love it!

4DPO (days past ovulation) now and still feeling like crap but trying to ignore it and not get my hopes up too much. Either I am pregnant at this point or I'm not..... it's just a waiting game. I will look for an implantion dip or a triasphatic pattern in my temps as a great sign.... those can happen anytime between 7 and 12 days.

Blogging Again

I started blogging a few years ago.... on MySpace.... had some interesting things come of it, including a good friend whom I actually got to meet in person.

The best thing that came of it was a deep understanding of who I was. Writing at that time was a terrifying experience. It was most likely one of the first steps I was able to take in releasing myself from a very abusive relationship. I am still taking those steps, although to anyone who does not see me in the mirror would never suspect that.

My past bothers me more than anything else. It bothers me that I can't shake it completely, it's like an annoying shadow that never really leaves regardless of how much light I find. It bothers me that I can't relate to how I was, who I was in the past, but mostly it bothers me that I own it. I always will. I can't shake it any more than I can shake the sound of my voice or the scar across the back of my wrist. My past is part of me, and that's what bothers me the most about it.

I love who I am. I love the person I have become. I even love the not-loveable parts of me, as I try to slowly make those parts fade away to something, someone gentler, kinder, more understanding and more accepting. Much of this discovery, this... smoothing over my rough edges, have been realized through writing.

For those of who you think that loving yourself is pretty damn self-centered... it is. It's Self centered and it's ridiculous to go through life thinking you can be anything but. You start centering your Self around other people and you won't know who You are in a very short time. Life needs you at the wheel, taking care of the vessel you're aiming down the road through time. My life has never been better since I started focusing on my Self.

My fiance and my sons and my mom are the most important people in my world! They have stood by me and taught me and loved me regardless of how horrid I have acted, how self-centered (in a bad way!) I've behaved... and I thank them mostly by not going there again.

So.... with that little bit about me... A snapshot of the past, a flash of the future, more questions than answers in a few hundred words.... the new focus of my life happens to be... my Life.

Slow down. Relax. Words I'd never say to myself. Until this Christmas. I went through my second 'chemical' pregnancy and first 'early miscarriage' last year. Ugh. It was a wakeup call. Until I can carry a baby, I can't really *have* a baby! Until my life slows down, finds a comfortable stride and finds it's Self... Baby D just didn't have a space to be in it.

Well that's all changed now. I've changed. Now I'm just working on changing my environment. Excited about my upcoming motherhood. Excited about not being so excited all the time. About weekends off. About spending time with my family, my friends, my Self, Baby D, and most of all... Big D!