8w5d

Well..... today's kind of a big day.  This is the stage that we endured the loss of our first pregnancy.  Of course, I don't know to the day that we got pregnant that time, but 8w5d is where the doctors pegged our miscarriage, so it's been heavy on my mind this past week.

Of course, so many things are different.  We have a confirmed heartbeat (huge plus!!), and have witnessed our little one on ultrasound, measured him and he measured big (another huge plus!!), and there has been not even a trace of cramps or spotting.  Yes, another big check in the 'plus' column.

I will tell you, though, this little one is making himself known to his mama.  My stomach still feels tight and heavy, and I have learned to move slowly and with purpose because of the sharp tearing pain that jumps out if I don't.  I don't have a lot of other symptoms, I get much more hungry than I ever have, which is new because I underwent lap band surgery ten years ago and usually eat about 1/2 of what a non-banded person eats.  I'm pretty much up to full portions!  And if I don't eat, I start to get nauseas.  Not to the point of throwing up, but to the point of gagging and feeling lousy.  I'm used to eating lunch at around 11 am... then dinner at 8 or 9 at night.

I'm actually making myself a real breakfast (and I don't usually like breakfast food) at 9, then eating an actual lunch around 1 and dinner around 7 pm.  I am really enjoying eating!

The other major symptom I have is exhaustion.  I have half the energy I usually do.  Here's a brief (couldn't find my favorite) article on early pregnancy fatigue:

One of the most common symptoms of early pregnancy is fatigue.

During the early stages of pregnancy, your body is trying to work double time in order to keep up with all of the changes that are occurring. Some of the changes that are occurring include an increase production of hormones, as well as an increased blood flow. Along with the increased blood flow, the heart is pumping faster and harder to accommodate the additional blood flow. The increased blood is necessary in order for the growing fetus to get the nutrients it needs.

One of the primary reasons for extreme fatigue during early pregnancy is due to the increased production of progesterone. Progesterone is known to cause you to become sleepy as well as a natural depressant for the nervous system.

Another reason that can be attributed to fatigue during early pregnancy is because of all the extreme emotions that occur when a woman is pregnant. It is quite common for a pregnant woman to start crying to no other reason than a surge of hormones in her body.

Extreme fatigue is also a cue for a pregnant woman to get as much sleep as possible, before the arrival of the new baby. The body needs to be well rested for the upcoming labor and birth. As well, it is quite common for a new mother to get very little sleep after the new baby arrives.

If you are suffering from early signs of morning sickness, this can also contribute to fatigue during early pregnancy. Nausea and even vomiting can make a person feel extremely run down and exhausted.

Other than those few things, none of which are nearly as dramatic as heaving the last drop of moisture out of the depths of my stomach, my head much closer to a toilet seat than is reasonably germilogically safe, I feel pretty good.  Some annoying mood swings, but I've been on so many hormones over the past 18 months that I couldn't tell you that my short lived dramatic fits are anything my family is noticing more now than before.  

I do feel very protective over this pregnancy.  I'm pretty sure that's normal for any mother, much less one who has lost so many pregnancies over the past three years.  I had a family member refer to the baby as 'our baby' and it triggered a great deal of emotion for me.  Although others might view this baby as being 'their' baby, I'm really enjoying David and I wrapping ourselves around this little life.  We've been essentially on our own when it comes to the mourning, the finances, the pain (physical and emotional), the travel, and the endless, suspenseful waiting. Now that things are going well, it's sort of hard to include others on the journey, when we're so used to being on our own.  I'm sure this feeling will subside as the pregnancy continues, and the baby comes... but for now... it's a little difficult to suddenly share.

Ultrasound number two will be on December 1st, next Wednesday.  I'm truly excited.  Of course there's a tiny bit of anxiety, but not a great deal.  I'll keep you updated, most likely posting a new photo next week!!

Settling In

Well it's been five days since our ultrasound.  The baby, measuring 11mm at the time, should now be up to a whopping 16mm, or just over 1/2 an inch long.  That's about the size of a raspberry.  (If you ever google raspberry you'll come across some really amazing photos with yummy raspberries so beware.)

This is about how big our baby is at 8 weeks.

David and I have, of course, been talking a lot about what's going on inside my uterus.  I said it felt kind of strange to have this little worm-like thing inside me, with a heartbeat and everything, and then I put my arms hands up to my chest and kind of flapped them like a T-Rex and made a strange sound to convey what my image of what was inside me looked like.  David, horrified, said that he hoped to God that our baby would not have flippers and making a gahhh-gahhh sound.  Hey.  A sense of humour is seriously required in all this baby-making process.  

As cute as that raspberry is, this is more likely what the baby looks like at this stage.  I personally love the big square head and remainder of a tail.  And yes, it does have flippers.

Honestly, although I do feel a bit strange knowing there is something alive inside me, literally attached to me and feeding off my body, I also feel an extremely strong protectiveness towards it.  I like knowing that I'm wrapped around this little life, that my flesh protects it, and that I am aware.  And there is a sense of anti-clamatic settling in, a feeling of 'now what?' to our day to day life.  We are so conditioned to spending this time healing, mourning, finding strength to smile, employing our tried and true methods of coping.  Now... this is new territory... this pure waiting and simply going about the business of being pregnant.  

It's wonderful.

We are getting another ultrasound in about ten days or so.  I'll know the actual date tomorrow.  Maybe I should be more scared than I am; perhaps I should be worried about the heartbeat or the size of the fetus.  But I'm not.  Not really.  

All my exhaustive research assures me that every good sign we could have in front of us, is there.  Most of all, it just feels right.

The most surprising thing is realizing how far along we already are.  We didn't allow ourselves to accept the pregnancy until it was almost a quarter of the way through.  Now I get to see the baby with arms and legs at the next ultrasound, and I get to look forward to hearing the heartbeat on our own doppler in just a few short weeks.  The first trimester ends in mid-December.  

Heartbeat!!

A beautiful tiny white flicker... like a blinking star.  I could have stared at the ultrasound forever.   The baby... I can say that now... the baby had a heartbeat of 139, and measured two days bigger than the 7w1d that he actually is.

To say that we were nervous is an understatement.  How many times had we been that far.  We sat in the parking lot enjoying the last few moments of hope before heading to the lab. Against protocol, they allowed David in the room for the entire exam.   I couldn't see the screen.  David could, but he didn't know what he was looking at... except afterwards he said that he knew what an empty sac looked like, and this sac wasn't empty.  He didn't want to say anything because he didn't know if everything was okay.

Quietly the tech did her measuring and then she whispered, "There's a heartbeat."

I think I asked her to repeat herself at least three times.

We are in shock.  We're so used to mourning and finding strength to move on at this point that this is totally new territory.  We don't know what to think, what to do next, or how to handle this.  

David was freaked out when he realized I was almost two months pregnant already.  He kind of thought that the heartbeat was the starting point... and when I said we only have seven more months to go he was taken aback.  

Our first trimester ends on December 20th, I believe.  I'll be happy when that day is gone; for now I am just thrilled that our chances for a healthy birth have just skyrocketed!!!

7 Weeks Pregnant

On Monday I went to the lab....again.  I had another blood draw.  I think that if I didn't get my ultrasound this week my veins would crawl out of my arms and let them die a slow, black, painful death.  They are that sick of being poked.  I actually have a tiny scar in the crook of one elbow from all the needles that go in that spot.  The girls at the lab use it as a marker for my stubborn, deep veins.

It's only when they hit a little nerve that it really hurts.  Sometimes they have to withdraw the needle and push it in four and five times.  Each slow movement brings the glittering point almost out of my flesh, only to begin a slow, searching decent once again.  I'm used to it.  I hardly feel it anymore, although I can now actually feel when they poke into a vein now.  Just from how the needle reacts and the slight pressure a millisecond before.  It's very freeing, like being able to breath after holding your breath too long.

Anyhow.  I went in again to for a beta.  I made it through the weekend, and had no intentions of going until I got to work.  I was virtually useless.  Zip for concentration, less for memory and ability to get anything accomplished.  It's because I knew I could be doing 'something'.  So I went and sat in the freaking waiting room for nearly two hours until I could present my de-flowered arm for yet another wanton round of poking.

I tried to get the result that afternoon.  It's a rare day when my GP's office gets lab results on the same day.  At least I was able to focus and work knowing there was nothing more I could do.

The night was hell.  I stayed up until midnight, then tossed and turns among vivid dreams of dead fish, fast rivers and long hikes through a forest with no real shadows.  CSI-like lighting, everything superficially coloured and glowing from an unknown source of light.  There was no fear, or real emotion, just this platter of dead, rotting, but unscented fish that I had to hide.  At one point I brushed against these white, mushy whisker-like things that were on the fish's faces, and they smeared off on my hand.    I recall thinking I should be sick with the feeling and the smell, but could register neither.

After my successful fish-hiding adventures (I threw them in the river and went along my way), I woke suddenly and completely to a very dark, safe and warm bedroom.  I wasn't alone.  My thoughts were screaming through my head, tumbling along, scratching and biting and clawing for attention.  I kept playing the upcoming telephone call in my head.  I heard the nurse, over and over, with different variations of what was continually the same message.  A slow rise - too slow to be promising, or worse, a drop.  I kept hearing her tell me that my beta had fallen to 10,000.  That it was only 13,000.  And in my head, like a director of a sad movie, I rehearsed how I would feel.  What I would do to go on with my day, my week.  How I would tell David, who didn't know about the beta.  How I would feel about the ultrasound, knowing it was doomed.

Anyhow... it gives you a picture.  Of course I was again useless at work.  I kept calling the GP's office and kept being told to call back in an hour, two hours, after lunch... no results were in.  Finally, the nurse called me back.  I mentally prepared myself and hoped I could remember my lines, so carefully rehearsed a million times, and prayed I could go on with my day.

Then she told me.  Seven, two, nine, eight, four.  That's seventy two thousand, nine hundred and eighty four.  Which is the one thing I did not expect.  72,943.  It had rose more than I could have ever hoped.  It's rising 'ideally'.  I cried at my desk.

I have been in shock all day.  So has David, whom I quickly called and confessed the excellent news to. It's all becoming, step by step, moment by moment... a real possibility.

I know this is not a sure thing.  It's just a good sign.  A really, exceptionally, wonderfully positive real good sign.

Ultrasound - tomorrow at 1:00.  David will be there, I will be there, and hopefully, some new little someone will also be there.

6 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant

Oh how I love writing the title of the posts.  I've never been able to go past seven weeks so far.  Sad, but true.  And yet each and every time I grab onto the hope and swing on it like Jane clinging to Tarzan.  As if my life depended on it.

I had a fear-fit this weekend.  Just the reality of how close the ultimate answer is is freaking me out a bit.  What if it's another blighted ovum?  What if there's no heartbeat?  What if there is?  David and I talked about how 'comfortable' it is to be sad.  How that's what we are used to and know how to handle after three years.  Like a worn, useless glove that fits perfectly.

David and I talked about how positive we are this time, and I worried that we might be setting ourselves up for a bigger fall.  I loved what he said, "I'd rather be happy for a few weeks and then really sad for two days than be worried the entire time and still be sad for two days."

Of course, I combatted my fear with some major attempts at finding medical information online.  I found a great case study.  I then kept on looking and found a very promising article that, among other things, stated this:

Serum hCG values in infertility

Serum hCG values for the diagnosis of early pregnancy in patients undergoing in-vitro fertilization–embryo transfer (IVF-ET) have been studied.¹³  Serum hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer correlate with pregnancy outcome. In a study of 111 patients with positive quantitative hCG levels 14 days after embryo transfer, the following pregnancy outcomes were observed:

• Levels <300 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 9%
• Levels 300-600 mIU/mL, ongoing pregnancy rate was 50%
• Levels >600 mIU/mL, multiple pregnancy rate was 100%

Therefore, in this particular population, quantitative assay results can be used to guide counseling and further evaluation.

Interestingly enough these values refer to hCG levels 14 days past embryo TRANSFER - not RETRIEVAL.   I didn't notice that at first and was a little freaked.. but then when I thought about it, honestly.. not too many of us have more than 300mIU/ml at 14DPO...

The study had a lot more to say, as did the first one.  If you are interested I highly suggest a good read.  You'll have to pick your way through the medical jargon, but if you concentrate and re-read it a few times, you should be able to get some *real* information, not just forum or blog opinions.  

It's very early on Monday morning. I've been up since five when David left for work.  I am contemplating getting another beta this morning but I don't really see the point.  If it's low I will just be in total agony, if it's high I still won't know for sure what's going on until the ultrasound.  Might as well just keep my head in the sand and look forward to Wednesday.  

Major Countdown

It's rather late on Friday night.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  Um. Why am I outlining such obvious facts?  Because I say them over a few times a day so I can keep it straight in my head how long it will be before we get our ultrasound.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Ultrasound Wednesday.

I'm not going to count Saturday since it's practically here.  Three days until our ultrasound.  When I got the date it was eighteen days away.  A lifetime, so it seemed.

I have had major, but short lived bouts of anxiety.  Nothing like before.  I admit that I might simply be better at handling the anxiety, but I'd rather think that my inner-voice is calming me rather than blowing sharp whistles in my ear, a warning that all hell is going to explode when I get that ultrasound.

I don't really feel 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'.  I have an extremely 'tight' feeling in my abdomen, along with the other symptoms in my last post.  But  no real deep intuition or feeling of attachment.  I enjoy talking to David about the ever real possibility of a baby next summer...  yet on the other hand I can imagine what my reaction will be if we are once again let down.

Shrug.  What is, is.  Knowing the truth does not change the truth.

I still pee on an internet cheapie from time to time just for pure entertainment's sake.  The dark purple line  appearing before the pee makes it all the way up to the control line has some freakishly satisfying effect on me.  It's like a drug, one that's available only during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  I admit that I know the test doesn't tell me a god-dammed thing.  I have tens of thousands mIU of hCG flowing through my system - I'd be a freak if the test didn't light up like a christmas tree.  Even if something were wrong, I'd still trigger that test for at least a couple weeks.  Anyhow.  It's fun.  It's cheap and I like it so never mind.

Bitch of A Nurse - Bouncing Back

I'm not sure why I did it.  But I did.  Since we really aren't telling many people we're pregnant (again) because we know we *might* lose it (again), the few people who do know what's going on in my uterus are prone to my bursts of happiness, exciting news updates and general stints of unnecessary blobs of information.

Mostly, those people are the ladies I work with, my sons' girlfriends and my friend, Leah.  

So when we got yet another fabulous beta on Monday, I was kind of overflowing with awe and excitement.  I could not imagine my numbers being five digits long.  And they were.  I was thrilled and overwhelmed...with good reason!

I couldn't help myself, I dialed my clinic in Burnaby and asked to speak to one of the nurses.  She answered the phone (I politely had waiting until near the end of the day, when the clinic is quiet).  I let her know that I had been getting additional betas because I needed the reassurance.   Now, why did I even think I needed to justify my actions to her?  It's my body, my pregnancy, my history, and honestly, I can do whatever the hell I feel like without her permission.  Yet, I found myself tripping over my words, telling her that I had gone around the clinic's protocol and *gasp* gotten more betas *gasp* on my own accord.

I could tell she was unimpressed.  Even when I told her that my 27dpo beta was nearly 20,000.  She was tight lipped (or I imagined she was) and frowning slightly on the other end of the line.   There was a feeling of having to explain why I was happy.  At this point I was feeling stupid and awkward to the core, like when you are 15 and you get enough guts up to talk to the cute boy at school and as soon as you start to speak you realize how utterly dorky and obvious you appear.

"We've just been through so much this year," I explained, "I just want to have a heads up about what to expect so we are prepared..."

Silence.

"We had such low betas last time, and they were slow as well..  I know that it's less likely that we are going to have another blighted ovum with such good numbers this time around," I stammered, hopefully.

Silence.

"Isn't that right.......?" My voice... tiny even to myself.

Finally she spoke.  I wish she hadn't.  

"The reason the clinic does not do beta testing after the fourth week is it is really not useful information.  Anything can happen before the ultrasound and there is really nothing that additional betas tell us.  We do two betas so we can confirm a pregnancy and then we wait until the ultrasound to make sure it's viable."

Silence.

"But I know that blighted ovums are associated with lower betas for the most part.....  my betas are so good... I just wanted to have some reassurance that things might be better this time..." Now I actually sound whiny.  And I'm hating myself for even calling her.  I'm hating myself more for listening to what she's saying.

"As I said, those numbers don't tell us anything," she continues, after letting my pathetic little beg go unnoticed, "we must wait until the ultrasound so we can determine viability.  Betas vary too widely after four weeks for us to be able to tell anything from them."

"Oh, okay." I said.  "I'll just wait until next week then.  Thank you...."

"Was there anything else?" She asks, sweetly.  

"No, I just wanted my numbers noted in the file," I replied, weakly.

After hanging up, it felt like everything around me was falling.  There was a sense of unreality sinking in.  Who was I to get my hopes up?  What made me think I had a right to enjoy one moment of this?  To feel true hope, true wonder at what was happening, to experience part of this journey without the constant feeling of a razor poised neatly at my throat?

I realized that what she said was true.  While low betas are certainly associated with blighted ovums, there are reports (I've scrounged a few) from women on forums (nothing medical that I can find) of women having what sound like normal betas and still having blighted ovums.   I spent several hours working quietly at my desk, sinking into the nurses' words, letting them soak into what had been a happy, positive mental attitude for the past few weeks.  The reality of what the nurse said was like a dark, bloody stain on my day.... on my hope.  

Then, like every other time I've been brought to my knees in the past three years, I started to get pissed off.  I didn't want to be ignorant and have false hope, but I didn't want to take one person's opinion and run with it like it was some kind of golden truth, either.  Just because she has her degree does not mean she knows more about this particular subject than I do.  She sure doesn't care about it as much as I do.  And she sure doesn't know what I know, or what it's like to be in my body, with my past and my attitude and my tenacity.

Blighted Ovum and HCG Levels

This is a link to an article that was given to me by a person who works at a well respected clinic when I spoke to him about my betas and fear of another blighted ovum.  Basically it is a study of IVF patients who were monitored and they confirmed a direct link to low betas and blighted ovums.

The levels I have been getting with my betas are normal/high for a healthy singleton pregnancy.  They are average for a healthy twin pregnancy.  These betas are not slow, they are not low, they are nearly ideal.

They DO mean something.  Low betas mean something.  High betas mean something.  They might not tell us if there is a heartbeat, or twins, or if our baby has eleven fingers or amber eyes, but for crying out loud, they DO tell us something. 

The nurse was wrong.  She was wrong with her information and she was wrong for how she told me what she thinks is truth.  All I really wanted, I realized, was for someone else to say..."Hey, those numbers sound promising!" or "I understand how worried you are, it's just another week until your ultrasound, meanwhile, I'll make a note of this in your chart.  How are you feeling otherwise?"

I'm not an idiot.  I know there might be no heartbeat.  I know there might be nothing at all.  But I also know that I am more likely, MUCH more likely, to have good news this time than any other.  And I am smart enough to know that the best thing I can do for myself, my husband and this baby is to have a calm, positive attitude and above all -  hope.  

I don't know why the nurse did what she did.  I guess it's just office protocol to not offer any 'medical' opinion unless it comes from a doctor.  I guess hope and kindness might fall into that category.  Maybe she's been through that conversation before and had it turn out horribly for the patient, even after good betas.  Who knows.  

Here's another reason I'm hopeful.  I have such bad round ligament pain that there just has to be something growing in there.  When I cough, sneeze, stretch, or move suddenly, I get a tearing, ripping pain through my abdomen.  Directly around my uterus.  I've never, ever experienced this before.  It feels like I've done two hundred sit-ups.

I'm also experiencing constipation.  Ew, I know.  But this is just biological stuff we're discussing here and my dignity went out the window right around the time I had my twentieth vaginal ultrasound.  I swear I've had more people look up my skirt than a college co-ed with something to prove.    The thing about me, is I've never had issues with my bowels.  I watch those yogurt commercials with a kind of smugness.  No issues here, ladies!  Okay.  *now* there are issues.  If you're wondering what having a little sweet pea nestled in the uterus has to do with bowel movements, it has to do with the hormones being released.  

"In early pregnancy, constipation occurs because the body has created more progesterone, which in turn slows digestion in the intestines. In fact, it’s actually considered one of the first symptoms of pregnancy."

Okay.  Maybe it's not that bad, but if you're not used to it, it's horrid.  And, the picture really made me laugh.  Looking at it makes me laugh again!   Had to share.  Can't laugh at yourself you are doomed to live a sorry ass life.  

Moving on up.  Breasts.  Pretty to look at, pleasant to hold... well.  Not anymore.  The holding at least.  If David looks sideways at my boobs he's getting the evil eye from me.  My terry cloth bathrobe feels like sandpaper on my nipples.  At night, the aching of the entire breast wakes me up.  They feel, at best, like they've gone ten rounds with some idiot who has a fetish for twisting nipples and rough groping.  Ugh.  

And, I'm losing weight.  I'm not hungry.  I'm slightly nauseous from time to time, but hardly every hungry.  Nothing sounds like it will taste good.  I'm not interested in food.  I've had a few bouts when I am suddenly 'clear' and really hungry, and gobble whatever I can get to, but usually I'm pretty apathetic about food.  Not that I can't stand to lose a pound or two.  I've dropped 15 since January (and that's during treatment, people!!), but I'd rather have been another 15 lbs lighter at the beginning of this pregnancy.  I'm not complaining.  

Emotionally I'm feeling good.  I got over the bitchy nurse thing and realized my clinic's job is not to make me feel better, it's to make me pregnant better.  And they are good at that.  I'll go to my friends, family and internet forums for a pat on the back and a kind word.  

27DPO Beta

19,840

6 weeks Pregnant

Tomorrow, I'll officially be six weeks pregnant.

Tomorrow I'll get the final beta test result.  I went today to get one more beta.  My sore and tired veins were not cooperating so I took that as a sign that enough was enough - just take the good news and run with it.

Although I wish I could say I am totally comfortable with the positive attitude, I would not be honest.  I am about 90% confident that we will get a heartbeat next week.  The 10% is pretty freaking normal for a woman who has gone through what I have gone through.

It seems surreal... literally like I am dream walking when I think about things going well.  Usually by this point I am a bloody emotional mess.  I'm usually crawling with anxiety about the looming ultrasound... even though last time I was fairly confident, there was a huge part of me that was totally prepared for the empty blob on the ultrasound machine.

I am expecting my beta to be somewhere over 20,000... I'll get the results at about 10 a.m. I hope.. perhaps after noon as I went to the lab late.

How am I feeling.... well... here's a little breakdown:

 - A little more tired than usual - sometimes I just want to lay down and relax.
-  Not into eating that much last few days... nothing seems appealing.... no nausea, just lack of appetite
-  Constipated - Ugh.  I know.  Sorry.
-  Sore lower back... usually in the late afternoon/evening
-  Occasional mood swings
-  Sore breasts - comes and goes
-  Some pulling/tearing sensations in the mid abdomen still - when moving quickly, or stretching.. not as bad as it was but still there
-  Emotionally I'm still pretty apathetic... what will be will be.  I have periods of doubt and periods of joy... Mostly I have periods of trying to distract myself and not think about it.
-   Oh, and vivid, vivid dreams.  Several... every night.  Vivid.

Honestly I thought I'd have more symptoms than this.. you know... examining my toilet real close up on a daily basis... an extreme reaction to raw meat or cooking eggs..... sheer exhaustion or bouts of crying...

But nah..... I just kind of feel like me... with the little aches and pains and worries magnified jus' a bit.

23DPO Beta...

I was literally up half the night worried.  I was worried about today's numbers.  Had nightmares.  I held my breath when the nurse gave me the information.  6060.  That's a great number.... better than I could ever hope for... 

14DPO 138
16DPO 351 - 35.6 hours doubling
21DPO 2826 - 39.9 hours doubling
23DPO 6060 - 43.61 hours doubling

check out http://www.betabase.info/ if you want to check your own betas.. I love that site.

These numbers are great - no worries about them slowly getting longer with doubling time... that's totally expected as the betas climb.

Today

I had another beta.  I can't help but be secretly thrilled at how well things are going and a teeny bit scared it will all drop out from under us any moment.  I wanted to get another read on what's going on while David was here.  So we can enjoy the weekend.  So I can create an exercise wheel for my overactive mind to whirl away on while the time crawls by.  Something to wonder about, something to look forward to between now and my ultrasound.

If my numbers were 2826 on 21dpo then we're hoping for hmmm.... 5600ish? Wow.  I could get used to all this good news.

I had a scare this afternoon.  I called my doctor's office for the beta results and the nurse told me they were 2826.  I had previously gotten 2865 two days ago.  So I thought I my beta was falling and I was miscarrying.  My world kind of fell out from underneath me.  Slowly, but rapidly all at once.  I asked her to repeat the number.

"Hold on," she said, "oh, yes, that's right.  2826."

Then, "wait, hold it.  No, those numbers are from November 2nd."

Mygawd.  Okay, so I didn't write them down properly when I got them the first time.  So they are not falling.  Geez.  Talk about being thankful.

Tomorrow I'll get the results around 10a.m.  I'm so hopeful!!

I am not having much in the way of symptoms.  I am exceptionally confrontational. I have short but sever bouts of nausea (might be partially because of the progesterone).  My breasts are sensitive, I have some mild backaches and still some RLP, although that's eased up lately.

Please send out good thoughts for us.  For strength to get through the next two weeks, regardless of the outcome. For the grace and dignity to handle whatever happens.  For my husband, who is the strongest man I have ever met, but who falls to his knees when faced with losing yet another possible chance at becoming a father.  

It's going to be great.  I am enjoying the lack of symptoms.  I remember how sick I was with both my boys.  How I actually wished to NOT be pregnant if I could just stop throwing up. *laugh*  ah... those were the days!

21DPO Beta

2165  2826

Doubling time 40 hours!!!
Gawd.  I was off by 700!!

New Beta Results

Are due today.  I want to at least follow the betas if I'm not going to get a super early ultrasound.  I know the betas don't tell me everything, but if they keep rising as quickly as they started, I'll at least feel a LOT more comforted in the following 13 days.  I'm not going to go every second day, but I might go three more times.  That'll give me a much more clear vision of what to expect.

Since so many people have asked... Ultrasound is November 17th at 1:00 pm!  Time will be upon me before I know it.  Yeah, right!  It's worse than waiting for Christmas when I was seven.

I am still having extremely vivid dreams every night.  Detailed and 'real'.  No flying or strange things happening, but real life situations with real people.

I spoke to my doctor yesterday about the pain I've been experiencing.  I had spoken to my clinic before but the nurse said they could be cramps or irritation from the progesterone? LOL!  Really?  My *clinic* nurse said that?  Ugh.  They are great at their jobs but honestly I think I know more about medication and fertility than some of them.  Progesterone will not cause cramps, and as I've been on it for nearly two years I doubt that I have sudden 'irritation'.  I did a ton of research and what I am getting totally sounds like RPL.  So, as I said, I talked to my amazing GP and he agreed, it really does sound like RPL.  Although he was shocked that I was having it this early.  He said he hoped it was a good sign.

It's not quite as bad as it was before, but it's still persistent enough to keep me cautious.  Other than that, the mild bitchiness and sore breasts, I don't really feel much of anything.  The pregnancy seems far away and happening to someone else because I keep myself totally distracted except for when I am blogging or answering forum posts on the subject.   When I do think about it, I think only as far as the next step.  The next beta, the ultrasound, the twelve week mark.   December 21st will mark the start of my second semester.  Nice timing!

So anyhow, I got another beta done yesterday and won't get the results until this morning.   If the hcg is doubling the beta should be around 2000.  It seems odd that it could be that high and I'm not having m/s. However, I had pretty good m/s with the last two and nothing at all to show for it.  Every pregnancy is different and so is every woman.