Major Countdown

It's rather late on Friday night.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  Um. Why am I outlining such obvious facts?  Because I say them over a few times a day so I can keep it straight in my head how long it will be before we get our ultrasound.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Ultrasound Wednesday.

I'm not going to count Saturday since it's practically here.  Three days until our ultrasound.  When I got the date it was eighteen days away.  A lifetime, so it seemed.

I have had major, but short lived bouts of anxiety.  Nothing like before.  I admit that I might simply be better at handling the anxiety, but I'd rather think that my inner-voice is calming me rather than blowing sharp whistles in my ear, a warning that all hell is going to explode when I get that ultrasound.

I don't really feel 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'.  I have an extremely 'tight' feeling in my abdomen, along with the other symptoms in my last post.  But  no real deep intuition or feeling of attachment.  I enjoy talking to David about the ever real possibility of a baby next summer...  yet on the other hand I can imagine what my reaction will be if we are once again let down.

Shrug.  What is, is.  Knowing the truth does not change the truth.

I still pee on an internet cheapie from time to time just for pure entertainment's sake.  The dark purple line  appearing before the pee makes it all the way up to the control line has some freakishly satisfying effect on me.  It's like a drug, one that's available only during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  I admit that I know the test doesn't tell me a god-dammed thing.  I have tens of thousands mIU of hCG flowing through my system - I'd be a freak if the test didn't light up like a christmas tree.  Even if something were wrong, I'd still trigger that test for at least a couple weeks.  Anyhow.  It's fun.  It's cheap and I like it so never mind.