my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Major Countdown

It's rather late on Friday night.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  Um. Why am I outlining such obvious facts?  Because I say them over a few times a day so I can keep it straight in my head how long it will be before we get our ultrasound.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Ultrasound Wednesday.

I'm not going to count Saturday since it's practically here.  Three days until our ultrasound.  When I got the date it was eighteen days away.  A lifetime, so it seemed.

I have had major, but short lived bouts of anxiety.  Nothing like before.  I admit that I might simply be better at handling the anxiety, but I'd rather think that my inner-voice is calming me rather than blowing sharp whistles in my ear, a warning that all hell is going to explode when I get that ultrasound.

I don't really feel 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'.  I have an extremely 'tight' feeling in my abdomen, along with the other symptoms in my last post.  But  no real deep intuition or feeling of attachment.  I enjoy talking to David about the ever real possibility of a baby next summer...  yet on the other hand I can imagine what my reaction will be if we are once again let down.

Shrug.  What is, is.  Knowing the truth does not change the truth.

I still pee on an internet cheapie from time to time just for pure entertainment's sake.  The dark purple line  appearing before the pee makes it all the way up to the control line has some freakishly satisfying effect on me.  It's like a drug, one that's available only during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  I admit that I know the test doesn't tell me a god-dammed thing.  I have tens of thousands mIU of hCG flowing through my system - I'd be a freak if the test didn't light up like a christmas tree.  Even if something were wrong, I'd still trigger that test for at least a couple weeks.  Anyhow.  It's fun.  It's cheap and I like it so never mind.


  1. Oh Sonya, you are SO close to your u/s now! Hang in there, girl, I know how hard the last part of the wait can be. And I am sorry about that nurse in your last post. I can't believe she acted that way. =(

  2. Oh girl, you pee on those sticks to your hearts content! That second line NEVER gets old! You are so close to your ultrasound on Wed. Super exciting! Any feeling if there are 1 or 2 babies baking in there? Did you doctor suggest the possibility of 2 based on your hcg numbers? I can't wait to read your post on Wed!!!! Sending patience, hugs, and good luck your way sweetie!!!