My boring update...

Well. It is. Boring!

Last cycle was a medicated IUI and a complete bust. No double line, just a great chart and lots of hope.

Then I had a lil' breakdown. Nothing dramatic, nothing worth writing home about, just a 'submission' of sorts. Acceptance of what is, and what is not. A promise to keep trying, a promise to not lose myself in the process.

So my doctor wants to do a little checking before we start another round of meds. I've got an ultrasound booked for tomorrow to check for cysts and make sure we can safely continue this month. I was on birth control for about a week. I haven't been temping or bothering with even thinking about ttc much, until this morning, when I finally took my temp again. If we are not doing the meds then David and I will be going au natural again and I must need to know when I ovulate, so I can take the lovely progesterone. No temping after ovulation, however. No stopping the progesterone early, and no testing until two weeks. I'm never good at that last one.

Da Faxt

December '08 - 7DPO Low Progesterone Result = 9.6
**** January '09 - Medicated 7DPO (Clomid 50mg) Progesterone Result = 40
**** February '09 - BFP / MC @ 5 Weeks Progesterone = 4.7
**** March '09 - Diagnosed LPD Luteal Phase Deficiency
 **** March '09 chemical pregnancy (beta 17dpo was "5")
**** April/May Cycle '09 - BFN
**** June '09 5th Round Clomid HSG 12DPO - BFN
**** July '09 - 6th Round Clomid 50mg BFN
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Aug 14 - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections, HCG trigger & Progesterone after Ovulation .... Overstimulated Ovaries - Over 12 large follicles (20mm+). IUI Cancelled! ****August '09 100mg Clomid, Repronex Injects 2ampsX3days, 1st Follicle Ultrasound Aug 31 Two Dominant Follicles - 15mm & 3 following close behind! Lining only 3mm... U/S #2 - *8* Mature Follicles, Lining at 8mm / Trigger on CD13 / IUI Sept 4th...Doctor *forgot* to book the proceedure - Sperm was processed for SA and ultimately destroyed. BFN, of course. October cycle - taking a break, no meds... just me and Mr. Wilson. OCTOBER 16th Cycle
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Oct 28th - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections 2 amp CD6/8/10 & 11. Ultrasound Oct 26 - 5 follicles 12-16mm lining 6 mm/ 5000 HCG trigger on Oct 27th, IUI Thursday at 10 a.m. Testing on November 7th - BFN.
****November '09..... BC for one week to hold off cycle to check for cysts - Ultrasound - all clear, 100 mg Clomid  days 5 to 10 / Repronex Injections 2 amps CD 6/8/10

Passing the Time

This month is a breeze. No needles, no pain, no worry about the cost, the pain, the timing... the mood swings, the anxiety from the meds.... all gone.

Instead I am back to the lovely feeling of 'what if' and enjoying the thought of making love to my husband in order to make a baby instead of waiting for hours to be inseminated by a harried doctor in a frenzied emergency room. It's kind of nice. Okay, it's really nice.

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm going to rehearsals almost every night of the week, and started pottery classes one morning a week. The store is running beautifully and our great big, beautiful new deck is just about done. Instead of spending all my time exploring reasons for my miscarriages, and trying to figure out what we can do to make it all work, I am spending evenings meeting new people in the community, laughing and learning.

I'm obviously still looking forward to motherhood. We're going to ovulate this weekend and have every intention of covering all our bases. And of course I'll be on pins and needles for two weeks.... but it all seems a lot more managable. Maybe the drugs cause me to make more out of it than I realize.....?

David and I got pregnant last year all on our own. Who knows about this time?

Back to Basics

Yepper.... I seem to have much more luck getting pregnant without my doctor. *laugh*

Between him being gone for my August cycle and not triggering me in time, causing me to miss that entire cycle, to him forgetting to book my IUI and destroying the sperm.... well I had a lot more chance of conception when he wasn't around. Which makes me have hope for this month... since I called first thing on Monday morning to schedule my ultrasounds and found out he's gone for a month. Jezus. It's a good thing I never started my meds again before I called to book the ultrasounds. He never had a message for me, never told me he was going..... *sigh*

So David and I discussed it and even considered taking the meds anyhow and triggering on our own, but both realized that would be pretty stupid and most likely a sure way to piss off the doctor. So we thought we'd just relax, give my body and his nerves a break from the body and roller coaster of emotions.

Our big plan this month doesn't include timing and monitors and injections and ultrasounds. It does include beer, laughter, perhaps some lingerie and having nobody involved in our baby making except. for. us. :-)

Upwards Sidewards Whateverwards...

I am in more acceptance than ever. That might sound defeatist, but it's actually pretty good. Accepting that I have two more years to have a baby with my amazing husband... accepting and re-realizing that I have excellent chances of pregnancy... accepting that this isn't our month, and accepting that what is, is.

Got another bfn yesterday at 12DPO....and am just happy to confirm what I already knew and get off the freak train that the hormones put me on.

Yeah, well...

What can I say. I was upset. Really. Really. Really. Upset. No real reason, nothing has really changed from two days ago until today. Maybe it's the approaching reality that I'll have to face my period once again. Maybe it's the guilt from screwing up the IUI. Maybe I'm just human and have every right to a pity party, as long as it's short, and I can scoop myself out of the litter box without getting too much bitterness and grit in my teeth.
So I was thinking.... get a gawd-damned grip, woman! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Adding drama and anger and bitterness (even though you feel them from time to time - you're no saint, ya know) to a situation that is far from hopeless and extremely exciting and can only enhance my life if successful... is STUPID! And rationalizing. I can feel the emotion from the hormones and still maintain dignity and strength and grace. I know that being a person, a woman, a mother, is sometimes not about getting what you want, but dealing with what you get with grace and gratitude.
And there is nothing quite so healing as warm hugs and encouragement from friends and a good chuckle in the face of a challenge. I have made it my own personal decision that I'm going to keep up the baby path until I'm at least 40...... that's two more years and girl, you better find a way to keep your chin up because there's going to be more challenges, more fear, more questions, more pain and more pregnant women parading thier beautiful bellies arond your store in the next 24 months!

I can do this... I can't say for sure that I'll give birth again, but I know I can do everything in my power to give this life that I want to birth the best chance in the world of becoming!

So I dug around and found some humor to spice up my depressing blog! I have to admit, it also spiced up my own attitude. I actually got a chuckle out of many of these cartoons.. these were a few that really stood out. I hope you enjoy them, and get a smile or two.

First Real Non-Pregnancy Breakdown?

Yesterday was a joke. I started out the morning thinking about how to write about 'getting over the pain of a miscarriage'. I wanted to talk about living in the present, focusing on the future and all that crap. Instead I ended up bawling my eyes out, hunched over the sink in our tiny bathroom, missing my lost, never-known baby-to-be. And as with any good pity party, anger heard the noise and made an abrupt, unannounced entrance. Party crasher.


Through tears and ruined makeup I started at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop staring at myself. Wondering why I am doing this. Why I am putting David through this.... realizing how quickly I am losing hope, and how I have begun to accept the fact that each month I will be 'looking forward to trying again'.


Planning a nursery, checking out cute onesies, anticipating those first flutters and kicks, bringing the wonder of being a parent into my husband's life. What used to be happy conversation has turned into something 'better left unsaid'. I don't often indulge in those dreams anymore. It's been downsized to only being able to fantasize about being pregnant, I think about David being a father, I sometimes stand in the shower and place my hand over my stomach, trying to imagine being full of baby again.... but they're Fantasies, not Hopes. They are dirty, secret thoughts that I know I'll never 'really' get to experience, but the sick wanna-be-mommy part of me gets off on. I don't admit openly to them anymore.




And the worst are the women who were trying and trying and trying and get pregnant. They're like reformed smokers. Caution, here's the anger part. Sorry to any of my trying and trying and trying and now pregnant friends who are reading this - I am happy for you, and you are most likely more considerate and understanding than most if I consider you a friend. But my friends aside, those women are the worst. They remind me of reformed ex-smokers. It's like along with pregnancy they've totally forgotten what it was like to want, to wish, to be let down again and again. They're the ones with the smug, holy advice to just keep trying, it'll happen, or relax and stop trying, it'll happen.... and you hope you're not actually tilting your head and looking at their glowing faces and swollen stomachs with as much disbelief as you are feeling. You don't want to rain on their little pregnancy parade, after all.

I'm not cruel. I would never take those pregnancies away from those wonderful women. They deserve it as much, and sometimes more, than I do. After all, I do have two beautiful grown sons who are sure to produce grandchildren one day. Babies will still be part of my future. I just mean.... why can't I be one too? One of those smug, relaxed, happy swollen souls. I'll even bear the cross of facing my still infertile friends if it could.just.be.me.


Okay, today's not proving to be much better than yesterday. I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the screen. I need to go to work. I need to forget about wanting, about wishing, about hoping, about those stupid lines on pregnancy tests that seem to disappear even if I do manage to coax my body into producing one.

Post Non-Perfect IUI Pregnancy Tests

So I tested this morning. Bah. I never get early bfp's in the morning, mostly because I wake up about four times a night and my 'fmu' is about as diluted as you can get. I've sworn to only test every second day, but honestly, I am going to waste another test and do a 'real' test tonight when I get home from work. There "might" be a bit of a color change, but I'm calling this a bfn and will until the line is easily visible at the ten minute mark.

Post Non-Perfect IUI Daily Updates

7 DPO
The progesterone is really kicking in. I was confrontational last night, I have waves of nausea, and my bbs were very heavy and sore. I can't even start to think these are pregnancy symptoms because I have been down this particular path before.

6 DPO
More of the same. Moderate aching in the boob type area. Some lower back discomfort. A 'pulling' sensation in my uterus/ovary region, to the point it was uncomfortable to walk... that passed after a few moments, came and went throughout the day. Still kinda gassy. Lots and lots of peeing at night and during the day - I feel like I have to go really bad all of a sudden. Still not a lot on the old hope horizen... but you never know, right?

5 DPO
Okay. Not a hell of a lot to report here. My boobs are sore. Not killingly sore, but after months of looking for any sign of soreness and finding naught (I love using those fancy-ass words), well, I know soreness when I feel it, even if it's just a little bit.

And. I have lower back pain. Of course, sore boobs and sore back are also right up there with progesterone side effects.

Is gas? I mean I'm pretty active in the toot department lately. And peeing three and four times a night.

Know what I hate? This could all be NOTHING. Could all be because of the little yellow pills I 'supposit' every night.

I guess I have to admit I'm hopeful this month. Not a lot, but at least a little. More than I was last month, when we weren't allowed to have sex during ovulation.

3 DPO

Well I will chalk it up to the progesterone, but I am weepy. Weeepeee. I even cried in a restaurant today.... David, as always, gets this cautious/amused/concerned look on his face. He humors me, he comforts me, he waits for me to gain control. And then I laugh. Embarassed. And explain for the twenty-second time that day that it's the hormones. I'm peeing a LOT, but I did last month as well and I think it has to do with the drugs as well - everything swollen and over-productive in there. So nothing really to report for 3 dpo except time in pretty much crawling by. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ti.. you get the picture...

This is what a BFP looks like.

Unfortunately, it's not real. I got a shot in the ass of hCG, the 'pregnancy hormone' last Wednesday, two days before we did the IUI. It forces a timely ovulation. It also makes you feel pregnant. You know, sore boobs, bitchy moods, absentmindedness, and, oh yeah, positive pregnancy tests.

I have to 'test out the trigger' which means I test every couple of days until either:

• It goes totally blank, which means if I get another line, I'm pregnant;
  


• It starts to get darker, which means I am getting more hCG than was in the shot, and I'm pregnant.

Of course, if it goes blank and stays that way, well.. you know what that means. That means I have a few days of feeling sad and empty, and gear up to do this again next month. Anyhow, this is my 2DPO report.

Not What I Expected..

I couldn't believe it. It was 9 a.m. on Friday morning. I was at my mother's house, enjoying a wonderful breakfast of soft boiled egg, crispy bacon and buttered toast. Why does everything taste better when your mom makes it?

We had successfully collected the *ahem* sample and gotten it to the lab. I felt really awkward because there had been people waiting there for over an hour, and I bullied my way to the front of the line, wanting to get the swimmers processed as soon as possible. That's when the trouble started.

My doc had given me a requisition for a sperm wash about two weeks earlier. It didn't have a label on it, so I didn't fax it in right away - which I usually do with all my requisitions. I had collected the label from the doc in a hurried appointment the previous day, and it was buried safe and deep in my purse. I had planned on going directly to my office, getting the req, slapping the label on it and faxing it over to the lab. I told them at the lab that the req would be on it's way shortly. They smiled, took the bottle, and moved onto the next person.

Now, somewhere between leaving the hospital and getting to my office, my mind wandered. I don't know if it was all the drugs they've been injecting into me, or the anxiousness of the day, or some deep seated refusal to get pregnant, but whatever the reason, when I left the lab, I decided I was hungry. Really hungry. I didn't want to go home, because I would get tied up in chores before work, and I didn't want to eat in a cafe alone, so I called my mom and tested the waters for a 'mom breakfast'.

Notice I did not return to the office, with the precious label and put it on the precious requisition and fax it to the lab? Yeah. Glad you noticed. I didn't.

I was at mom's when the blood drained out of my face. No, my entire system was drained. I felt a sinking horror when I realized I had forgotten to follow through. It's not like me, I am hyper sensitive to all my numbers, my levels, my timing, my meds. And when it came down to the wire - I totally fucked up.

Freaking out, trembling, I dialed the lab and asked if they had started processing the sample. They assured me that they had. And.. I asked... they knew it was for a IUI scheduled at noon, right? No, they said. There was nothing on the board for that day. They had started processing the semen for analysis. It was destroyed. Unusable. The tears started.

I didn't know what else to do. I called my doctor. I called the lab back. I got the main lab tech on the phone, imploring how upset I was, how stupid I had been, how I had spent nearly two thousand dollars in meds, taken injections, and had been trying for so long... how upset my husband was going to be.... After assuring me that the sample was truly destroyed, she went on to tell me that my requisition was only a backup... that the doctor was supposed to book the IUI in, and the lab would be alerted and ready for the sperm wash. There was nothing on the board. Nothing at all. She said they didn't know what to do with the sample, so they assumed. The guy never called to confirm anything.... my mess - up was one of three.

Then the doctor called, or at least his secretary did. I was supposed to get David back and get another sample. David, who was already over an hour away, on his way to work, and had already lost major brownie points for taking part of the morning off and his crew waiting around. David was supposed to turn around, drive an hour back, and manage another sample before 9 a.m.. David, who was really seriously annoyed at the news that this was being asked, I'd say pissed off, but he doesn't display anger towards me, so annoyed is about as strong a word as I can honestly use.

I wondered how potent a sample would be only 3.5 hours after the last one was taken. I wondered if my already work-stressed and sperm-released husband could even manage to produce enough of a sample to take to the lab. I wondered if the lab, which closed at 11 a.m. would even have time to process the sperm, if we managed to get one. I wondered, I felt like crap, and spent the next 45 minutes doing some serious beating up on myself.

After my strong spout of self-abuse, David called and said he was on his way home. He was going to give it another go. I couldn't believe it. I called home, and asked my teenagers to vacate the house for an hour, no questions asked. I told them they had 30 minutes to leave... they were more than happy to oblige, as long as I didn't tell them why David and I needed to be alone in the house. I figured that if my superman was going to try and pull this off, he would need total privacy and lack of distraction. Pun totally intended.

So we arrive at the house at exactly 10:55. I had put in a call to the lab, asking them to hold off on closing for half an hour. The head tech, who by now knew my voice, agreed, and again said it wasn't really my fault - that the doctor should have booked the procedure, and agreed towait for our sample.

The teenagers, (arg!) were still in the house. Still half dressed and half awake. One was putting on her makeup. I announced they had to get out - now. No putting on makeup, no getting teeth brushed. They had to LEAVE. David at this point is already in the bedroom. The clock is ticking, and I don't know if we even have a chance of doing this. The kids, freaked out and not wanting to know what was going on, left. No makeup, no clean teeth, just gone.

At 11:09, David was back in his truck and headed back to the pipeline. His bosses never even knew he was gone. I had a surprisingly good sample... and a new respect for David and his ability to FOCUS. I still felt miserable about cutting our chances so horribly, but at least we still had a chance...

The woman at the lab grabbed the sample as soon as I walked in and said.. there's not much.. but all we need is ONE! And so the process was at last underway. She said it wasn't as good as the first sample... but it was surprisingly good for such a short time between. They never did an actual count.

After three hours of wandering the hallway, my doctor, who had been in surgery, finally got time to perform the IUI. He said, men produce 15000 sperm a second, and all they needed was one. He said, if we didn't have a good chance, I wouldn't do this. He said, afterwards, go home and gestate.

So I went home, laid down, shook my head at the cluster fuck it had turned into, and hoped that we had a chance. Any chance. I figure... that even a few million really healthy, lively sperm, directly thrown on top of 8 beautiful, eager eggs had to give us more of a chance than normal intercourse with a normal cycle. I figure, we have as good a chance as ever. After all. It only takes one, right?

8 Is Our Magic Number!

I was so freaked out and worried about the lining. I even meditated about it. I popped baby asprin (to increase blood flow), put a hot water bottle on my tummy (because it felt good), and did more positive manifestation than I have in a long time.

Speaking of the water bottle, I just asked my gorgeous baby boy to get me one... (sorry, distracted).

Okay. Why Eight. Magic number. Sorry. I'm a bit woozy from the day, not to mention all the drugs I've had injected into my system in the past week. Oh yeah. Eight. 8.

My lining, which if you read the previous post, was a concern, but it was a nice, healthy 8mm. And those five follicles... well we were up to a beautiful Eight. Capital E. Are we nervous about multiples. Yes, nervous and excited. We want more than one but not more than three. Three is our limit.

Anyhow, back to Eight. I am not sure how the math works and I haven't figured out how to google such information, but if I have 20% chance of getting pregnant each month with one egg, don't our chances increase if we have 8, that's Eight with a capital "E", eggs? I should.... hope so?

Getting Pregnant When My Husband is 2 hrs Away...

Okay. Let me catch you up. It's been a hell of a week. Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound. I was told I had to have a full bladder so I drank 40+ ounces of water only to find out it was a transvaginal ultrasound (which I asked twice about when I got the appointment). So... after I went pee (whew), we proceeded.

The girl (yes, she was that young) who did the u/s was so quiet, wouldn't let me see the screen, or comment on generally anything at all, so I was a little uncomfortable, but it all went by easily enough.
After changing, Dr. L came in and said everything looked good but my lining was thin. 1.3mm. 1.3mm????? I was concerned. He went on to say it 'should be fine', and pushed forward. I have two dominant follicles measuring 1.5cm, and three lesser ones trying to catch up. Dr. L thought I would ovulate all five follicles - a great sign. I got put on two more amps of Repronex, one for that day, and one for today, and off I went.

I went. I went directly to my laptop and began googling every term imaginable to do with thin uterine lining. My findings were dismal. Horrid. Tear-bringing. There is no way I could grow a decent (over 6mm) in just a couple of days! Why bother fertilizing the eggs if I would just flush them out when I got my period.

Resigned, I called my doctor this morning, mostly to ask about delaying my trigger and just having sex naturally on the weekend. He was annoyed with me, and said my lining wasn't that bad.... and I realized we had miscommuncated. My lining was 3 mm, not 1.3, and the secondary follicles were 1.3cm. I am not sure how that happened, but I don't care. I have three days to get my lining to at least a 6 and I prefer 8. It can grow 2 mm per day, and with my growing follicles and injects, it could be 5 today, 7 tomorrow, and possibly grow a bit before the trigger hits.


I am beyond excited and hopeful about this cycle. And a cute FYI... my due date would be David's birthday!

And in regards to the title of this post? David 'contributes' to our adventure first thing Friday morning, then takes off to work as normal.. the sperm are washed, and kept safe and sound until the IUI at about 1 pm on Friday. So David will actually be in another province when we potentially get pregnant!

The Countdown Begins..

I'm nervous. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. So many words to describe what I'm feeling, the experience of having some real solid hope again.

David works about 45 minutes from here right now. He is staying in our travel trailer and once a week I drive down in the evening to stay the night. It's been pretty cool... it's our official 'date night', which kind of means we get to have dinner and sex without worrying about teenagers barging through the door. Yay. You appreciate the little things when you are older, ya know.

So last night was date night. we were having dinner and I asked him if he thought I was being too optimistic, too excited. David is not a pessimist, but he is honest. He's an anchor when I begin to drift away... and I needed this part of him. I wanted to hear how he really felt.

"I think we have every right to be optimistic and to expect good results," he said, looking directly into my eyes. "Everything points to this working".

And it totally changed things for me. Even if it doesn't work. Even if it's a total bust. Even if it's just me and David at the end of September.... well, I'll still know that there's me and David. We're in this together, and that makes this journey worth it, whether we reach the destination or not, we're in it together.
Oh, and of course I am even more optimistic.



************************************************************************************

So that night, I was able to take my second round of injections. I am taking Repronex. It's used to stimulate my ovaries and encourage them to produce lots of wonderful little eggs that are just waiting for a good looking sperm to come along.

I don't like taking the needles. Wow. Who would have thought? It was harder this time because I held the needle over my skin for at least a full minute. That was worse than the needle, which I ended up not feeling at all. No blood, no bruising, no swelling. I'm getting to be a good reproduction junkie.

Wait a day and then take another shot, wait another day and take the final shot. Get ultrasound on August 31st to check for follicles. Decide from ultrasounds on which day to trigger with the hcg. Then... IUI. Yay!

Oh Yeah... the Injects....

So last month (July) we started... OFFICIALLY started... 'real' fertility meds. I happily and hopefully laid down a little over $800 and went home with a paper bag full of drugs. Baby drugs.


The problem was... my doc... was out of town. I knew there was supposed to be 'some kind' of monitoring, but I didn't know how much 'some' was. So. I dug in. I was actually looking forward to the injections in some kind of horrid way.

I was freaked out, but so anxious and ready to get the show on the road. So I mixed the drugs, went into the bathroom and prepared myself. With needle posed, I contemplated what I was about to do. And... I contemplated how I was going to do it.

Finally, I realized that it wasn't going to hurt any less if it took any longer. The first time I made the big three inch trip between the needle and my tender tummy, I only managed to get the needle into the skin before I stopped. Then I had to keep pushing and it was painful... like I could feel the needle cutting the flesh slowly. I bruised. But I was proud of myself. There was a little blood.

The other times were much easier. I made a smooth motion and didn't put the needle too far in or too far out. I injected the meds slowly... taking about 30 seconds and pulling the needle out quickly. That's a big tip for anyone who is doing this. Pull the needle out fast.

And then, there was the doctor getting back. I think I was on CD12 or something and he was a tiny peeved at me for going ahead on my own. I went in for the ultrasound. I knew things weren't good when the doctor actually called me by my first name, from a room down the hall.

"Sooooonnnnnyyyyaaaaaa," he called in a sing-song voice. "Come in here and seeeeee thiiiisssss."

So David and I trudge down the hallway and there are three technicians and the doctor standing around a monitor, with my little ovaries as the star of the show. It appears I had 10 mature follicles. Um. Too many. Can you say... litter?

So. Not only did I lay out $800 bucks on drugs, but David and I were cut off having 'fun', and... AND we lost an entire month.

The good news? Yes, there is good news. I responded to the drugs like a 20 year old. We have excellent, excellent chances for the upcoming months.

Tomorrow I start my clomid again, and then the injections again on Tuesday. Wish. Me. Luck.

Yay... everyone's pregnant!!

Except me! Yay.

Okay... I may be feeling a bit bitter. A bit left out. A bit angry. I now have nine, yes, nine wonderful, deserving online friends who were not pregnant when I met them, but who are all either pregnant, or have had babies. Look at how beautiful and shiny happy they are! And, yes, the bloated bellies are not limited to online chicks.... three close friends in town, all whom had struggled with miscarriages and are older women, like me, are very well into their second trimesters. I can't say that these women are some of the most deserving women out there who are TTC... I'd just like to say that I kind of figured that I was in their league! Ya know?

I'm not angry or bitter at their success, I'm just feeling helpless to join them. I have all the tools, all the resources, all the will and desire...... it just hasn't happened yet.

So I've had a few cries lately. I've spent a few showers (it drowns out any audible sad noises and I don't have to keep getting up to get tissue) getting some of the fear and anger out of my system... and even got pretty emotional talking to David last night. David, who is the most amazing man I have ever been blessed to know... who always knows what the right thing to say is, who always knows when to say nothing, who knows me better than I know myself.

Okay. Enough of the pity party. It's boring. I hear it too many times to participate for long. I really don't believe in it.

On to the good news. Last month (this cycle) I did injectable meds for the first time. I responded well. I mean, I responded exceptionally well. I responded beyond exceptionally well. I responded so exceptionally well that my loving husband was not allowed to get even remotely close to me. Okay, so we lost $800 and a month of trying. Well, so what. There are millions of women who would pay for my problem.

I am currenly waiting for my period to show. So we can start again. So I can take hormones and inject FSH and wait and undergo IUI and then. Wait. And wait. Any maybe it will work, and maybe it won't.. but maybe it will. We are aiming for an IUI on September 4th....

It's Happening Again

I am 7 DPO. The last two cycles I wasn't hopeful at all, no sore back, no emotional outbursts, nothing like that, and I wasn't surprised when AF showed on time.

But now, like the February and March miscarriage months, it's happening again.

And to be honest I am terrified. My back is hurting so bad I am on the verge of tears. I mean it really hurts. My breasts are sore and I am super over emotional. I cried three times yesterday, over nothing. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Either I am pregnant again or I have just pushed myself too hard for too long and this is the result.

Forced to Obsess

I have a 22 year old staff member who I am pretty close to. She's worked with me for two years, and is a very kind girl. She's not the first person to say, "I think you need to stop trying so hard, and just let things happen." If I weren't taking my temperature, and charting, and saw my doctor, I would have just kept miscarrying over and over. (I have very low progesterone). If I don't keep track of my CD, I don't know when to take my clomid. If I don't know when I ovulated, I wouldn't know when to start my progesterone. If I don't take pregnancy tests I wouldn't know when to stop, or increase my progesterone. It was only because of my insistance on getting betas and progesterone tests that my LPD was detected...less than 1% chance and I caught it.... I'm travelling to my wedding this month. I'm sick of testing, and temping. DH and I got pregnant 3 times out of six monthswe were actually able to BD during Ovulation. GETTING PREGNANT IS NOT THE ISSUE... it's KEEPING MY BABIES.... How do I *relax* when I am FORCED to monitor myself?

Finally. An Answer and Some Relief

Okay. So... at 17DPO I went and got a beta done and it was the worst number we could have had... it was 5. Which means that technically I was pregnant, but at that many days past, it was either a really super late implantation or the end of a chemical pregnancy. We were in limbo for a while... my temps were still really high, but after a couple more HPT's that were BFN.. we opted to stop the progesterone and let my cycle end.

I finally started spotting this morning - I suspect this will progress quickly into the beginning of my next cycle. I'm VERY excited about this - we are almost an entire week overdue.

THE GOOD NEWS:
The good news is that my progesterone supplementation is working. It kept my temp high (even for a few days after stopping) and certainly delayed my period. That means that when we get a good fertilization and implantation, we're at a very high rate for a successful pregnancy.

THE BAD NEWS:
Well.... no real bad news I guess... other than another chemical pregnancy. I don't mind those - it's just the dangers of testing early. If you play that game, you take those risks. I would rather give birth in the first few months of 2010 so that David is closer to coming home, and avoid that entire christmas baby thing if possible. Fun, but not really logistically perfect with the store and David being gone all winter.

Pregnant, Bitch or Nut

I can't even say it with conviction. Even though I just spent my first bout of gagging and urping into the toilet bowl. Just a nice conversation with David one moment and the next I am contemplating just what a crappy housekeeper I truly am when 6 inches away from the toilet seat.

Even though I cried so hard I blew snot bubbles at David over such things as

• my new jeans were too big


• my shoes were all wrong for my outfit


• I hadn't done my toenails so I couldn't wear open toed shoes


• David wasn't helping enough at the store


• when David DID help, he made me feel bad


• or I had to give him too much direction

Then.... when I was done with all that.. broke into hysterical laughter and then sobbing again... finally cleared up the boogers and tears...he said,

"You are either pregnant or nuts."

Bam! Sobbing again!

Okay I can laugh now. So can David... he was really awesome with it all....

So with being a certified bitchy nut, I also had a very sore back and boobs.

Here are my latest tests...

The skeptic tells me to beware. These tests were pretty much DRY before I got anything I could actually photograph. But... the dreamer in me thinks...evaps don't have color. Evaps don't get darker over time. Evaps don't happen three days in a row. And that cheapie internet stick at the top? I've been TRYING to get a freakin' evap for days now... That line is thicker than I could hope for...

I don't know. I feel pregnant.... and I don't feel scared this time.... I just wish those lines would come faster. Never enough, eh? Never enough? Gun shy.. this would be my fourth pregnancy in a year.

My niece asked me the other day, in a concerned voice, if we were going to 'keep trying'. I was kind of shocked at the question... is that what people think? That we should give up? That it's not working for us, that we are too old, or infertile? I don't think of ourselves that way at all... after being immersed in the Grief & Loss boards, our problems are the common cold when compared to the real cancer of infertility. We get pregnant just fine... and our issue is easily solved with proper medical care. It's just getting a good, sticky egg, and that's just a numbers game, one we apparently are getting better at playing.