19dpo

Okay.  Guess I'd better update.  Either someone will be amused by reading it or I'll want to look back a year from now and see what was happening at this exact day in my life.  

I have a few moments to myself.  Avoiding work for the first time since I got home on the 18th.  I even went in for six hours yesterday when it was my day off.  Ah well... it's not like I am lifting crates.   It's the mental stress of being at work that is difficult for me, even without the natural and artificial hormones raging through my body.  I shouldn't say difficult.  I love my business and the people there, it's that sometimes it feels like an atomic bomb has been dropped in the store, when huge orders arrive, customers and lined up and staff are requesting my attention so they can go on with their tasks.  All in all it's a wonderful frenzy.  When I'm distracted and hormonal with the pregnancy it's just a frenzy.  *laugh*

I'm not having much in the way of symptoms.  My back is super sore today which is usually a pregnancy sign, but I had a scare yesterday.  I was walking across a nearly deserted parking lot, head down, not paying attention, reading a text from my husband.  Out of the corner of my eye I caught backup lights from a white mini-van.  Although it was at least three feet from hitting me, and the driver slammed on the brakes in plenty of time, I was very startled.  I jumped.  I twisted and jumped.  The driver, a very nice woman I know as a customer and casual friend, seemed to have backed up as a joke... or at least covered not seeing me by making a joke out of it.  I wrenched my back and was pretty pissed off... considering I am not supposed to making sudden movements or even lift a ten pound package of hamburger meat.  

So of course, I don't know if my sore back is from the twisting and jerking action from yesterday, or if it's a pregnancy symptom.  I only get back pain when I am pregnant.  No other time... but now I can't even enjoy it.   And some small part of me niggles away, asking if something happened as a result of that jumping and tension.  You know.  Something not good.

Yesterday, on impulse, I bought another FRER and took it.  The test line literally turned dark before the sample passed all the way across the window.  It was dark well before the control line faded in!  I hate this part.  The waiting.  There are tiny bits of doubt chewing away at the edges of my sanity.  Wondering if things are okay, still.  

I can't understand why they won't give me an early ultrasound.  Honestly.  I'm not a burden on the system.  I'm self pay for crying out loud.  The only thing I use the medical system for is processing my blood tests and about two measly ultrasounds per cycle.  I pay for my meds, I pay for my trips, I pay for my doctors.   Why can't they spring for one lousy ultrasound in addition to the one I get at 7 weeks.  I know it's not the money, our medical system is just amazing.  It's that the doctors can't justify it when there may not be a heartbeat yet.  Which is bogus because the heartbeat if often seen at just under 6 weeks.  Often.  At the very least we'd see a yolk sac and fetal pole.  We'd see something if there were something there to see.  

I do feel good about things, but I've felt good before, and no matter how positive my mental attitude is, and it is very positive, it would be inhumane to think a woman can walk the road I've walked and not be wary of the turns ahead.  

So it's frustrating to know that the answer is a ten minute appointment with an ultrasound machine.  I'm going to see my doctor on Tuesday.  I'm going to ask him for a standing order for beta tests so I can go get a blood draw whenever I want, and I'm going to ask him for a requisition for an early 6 week ultrasound.  I know we won't see a lot.... but we should see something.  My little something.  My big little something.  

I kind of have a running tally in my head of what my hcg would be.  It was 351 at 16dpo so if it just doubles it would be over 700 yesterday, about 1100 today and over 1400 tomorrow... Crazy I know but honestly, I love thinking about it.  I'm not concentrating on July yet or anything beyond that one ultrasound.  And that heartbeat.  Thump.  Thump. A hundred times a minute.