my Self

My photo
Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Okay.  Guess I'd better update.  Either someone will be amused by reading it or I'll want to look back a year from now and see what was happening at this exact day in my life.  

I have a few moments to myself.  Avoiding work for the first time since I got home on the 18th.  I even went in for six hours yesterday when it was my day off.  Ah well... it's not like I am lifting crates.   It's the mental stress of being at work that is difficult for me, even without the natural and artificial hormones raging through my body.  I shouldn't say difficult.  I love my business and the people there, it's that sometimes it feels like an atomic bomb has been dropped in the store, when huge orders arrive, customers and lined up and staff are requesting my attention so they can go on with their tasks.  All in all it's a wonderful frenzy.  When I'm distracted and hormonal with the pregnancy it's just a frenzy.  *laugh*

I'm not having much in the way of symptoms.  My back is super sore today which is usually a pregnancy sign, but I had a scare yesterday.  I was walking across a nearly deserted parking lot, head down, not paying attention, reading a text from my husband.  Out of the corner of my eye I caught backup lights from a white mini-van.  Although it was at least three feet from hitting me, and the driver slammed on the brakes in plenty of time, I was very startled.  I jumped.  I twisted and jumped.  The driver, a very nice woman I know as a customer and casual friend, seemed to have backed up as a joke... or at least covered not seeing me by making a joke out of it.  I wrenched my back and was pretty pissed off... considering I am not supposed to making sudden movements or even lift a ten pound package of hamburger meat.  

So of course, I don't know if my sore back is from the twisting and jerking action from yesterday, or if it's a pregnancy symptom.  I only get back pain when I am pregnant.  No other time... but now I can't even enjoy it.   And some small part of me niggles away, asking if something happened as a result of that jumping and tension.  You know.  Something not good.

Yesterday, on impulse, I bought another FRER and took it.  The test line literally turned dark before the sample passed all the way across the window.  It was dark well before the control line faded in!  I hate this part.  The waiting.  There are tiny bits of doubt chewing away at the edges of my sanity.  Wondering if things are okay, still.  

I can't understand why they won't give me an early ultrasound.  Honestly.  I'm not a burden on the system.  I'm self pay for crying out loud.  The only thing I use the medical system for is processing my blood tests and about two measly ultrasounds per cycle.  I pay for my meds, I pay for my trips, I pay for my doctors.   Why can't they spring for one lousy ultrasound in addition to the one I get at 7 weeks.  I know it's not the money, our medical system is just amazing.  It's that the doctors can't justify it when there may not be a heartbeat yet.  Which is bogus because the heartbeat if often seen at just under 6 weeks.  Often.  At the very least we'd see a yolk sac and fetal pole.  We'd see something if there were something there to see.  

I do feel good about things, but I've felt good before, and no matter how positive my mental attitude is, and it is very positive, it would be inhumane to think a woman can walk the road I've walked and not be wary of the turns ahead.  

So it's frustrating to know that the answer is a ten minute appointment with an ultrasound machine.  I'm going to see my doctor on Tuesday.  I'm going to ask him for a standing order for beta tests so I can go get a blood draw whenever I want, and I'm going to ask him for a requisition for an early 6 week ultrasound.  I know we won't see a lot.... but we should see something.  My little something.  My big little something.  

I kind of have a running tally in my head of what my hcg would be.  It was 351 at 16dpo so if it just doubles it would be over 700 yesterday, about 1100 today and over 1400 tomorrow... Crazy I know but honestly, I love thinking about it.  I'm not concentrating on July yet or anything beyond that one ultrasound.  And that heartbeat.  Thump.  Thump. A hundred times a minute.  


  1. Tough isn't it, when all you so desperately want is an ultrasound just to know that everything is going the way it should. I had a complete meltdown when I rang my clinic to schedule the 6 week ultrasound that they had sent me a letter saying I should organise only to have them say, "No sorry, the letter is wrong, it should be 7.5 weeks" I really lost it! I think the hardest part is, it's these tiny little things that mean the WORLD to us, but the the medical staff, it's just another day, another face. :-(

  2. I am sorry. The emotions of this whole process are often times the worst part. There are still days that I worry that something is going to happen. I am going to continue to have faith that you will have that rainbow at the end of this.

    You will get that U/S soon. I wouldn't push for before 6weeks though. Even at 6 weeks it is really hard to see anything other than the sac, becuase everything is tiny.

    I am rubbing the belly for you and keeping everything crossed.

  3. I am sure the twisting yesterday didn't hurt anything besides your back. Your little one(s) are nice and snug!! just think of the women who have fallen on ice or down the stairs and they and their bean are alright.

    My Dr typically won't do an u/s before 6 weeks cause they like to see the HB. She also believes peace of mind is a big contributor to a healthy pregnancy... I would just try to convince them that it would put your mind at ease and help you stress less to have one at 6 weeks due to the past history. F/x they let you have one earlier!

  4. Are you just under 5 weeks now? How many days until that 7 week ultrasound?