my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Guilt and her Best Friend, Doubt.

Maybe it's the hormones.  Maybe it's just a dose of reality.  What the holy fuck am I doing?  My life is so wonderful, with so much love and adventure and more stability than I ever dreamt possible.  And yet, I am spending all this time and money, searching for more.  This time away from my business could be spent keeping things together (although the girls are doing amazing and it's good for them in many ways) but I feel so helpless and selfish. 

And the money.  Gawd.  My doctor doubled my meds so of course it's double the price.  About $350 a day.  Granted this money will be paid back to us, but still.  It seems like such a waste on a 'maybe' pregnancy.  I mean, what if it all works and then I just miscarry again?  Is it fair to create life so it can die?  Isn't that the most selfish thing you can possibly think of?  Well if you also pay excessive amounts of money to do it, that's the most selfish, right?

This money could go towards education, for my kids, or to help Mase and Jay with their new home, or to get Jerry into more schooling, or help him start his business, or towards our home, or retirement.  No it's all going into drugs and expenses.

And what if I fail?  What if all this produces nothing but emptiness.

Okay I admit that watching "A Baby Story" on TLC is most likely one of the more brain dead things I've done.  I mean, they never show the dads who are sobbing because their wives are bleeding out another miscarriage, or a woman who is watching the entire world give birth while she sits crying in a hotel room, feeling foolish and useless.  Everyone on that show gets a baby.  Maybe I should call them to follow my story and we'll get a child, it's much better for ratings all the way around.

So they tried once to get blood this morning, but had issues finding a vein, and the doctor was much more interested in an ultrasound.  We went from 8 leading follicles to 14 that were all somewhere between 7.5 and 12.  So I guess that's good.  But I have to go back for monitoring on Saturday morning.  That really messes up my visit to the Island, where my sis is having chemo and I want to be there more than anything.

Gah.  I'm a mess.  Doubled up on my meds now so hopefully we get great news on Saturday.  I'm really not even going to dream about an actual pregnancy.  It's just not worth it right now.


  1. Oh Sonya! I am sending you big hugs right now. I wish we were doing this closer together. I can tell you that I have been where you are today a million times. The doubts the fears and the anxiety. But I always wake up the next day sure that I am on the right path. Even if I don't get a baby out of it. I can move on knowing that I did everything I could. I tried.

    Hang in there. I am sorry you can't be with your sister this weekend. Could you maybe leave Sat right after the U/S?

    I am going to keep the faith that we will both get beautiful healthy babies out of this roller coaster. Lots and lots of hugs!!

  2. I'm so sorry you're having a tough time right now. I think your feelings are probably normal for most women who are going through the same thing... although that doesn't mean what you are doing is any of those things you mentioned. :) You are on ALL kinds of meds so of course your hormones are playing with your emotions etc. Just the end of all of this there could be this precious little baby that you can't wait to meet and that baby will make it all worth while. You know what you want and you should absolutely go after it. Besides, just because your life is already beautiful, it doesn't mean that you can't want for more. You are obviously an amazing woman so don't begin doubting yourself now because you've done one hell of a job so far in life! Hang in there sweetie! Hugs!

  3. It's me again! I hope you are feeling a little better. I had to say thank you for your precious comment on my blog. It meant the world to me. Also, I had to sneak a peak at your picture above after reading your comment. How in the world did I miss that???? Yayyyyyy! We are some sea turtle loving, Maui visiting people! Hmmmm...I just have to think that maybe all this turtle talk is going to bring you good luck in just a few days. I am not a superstitious person at all but I can't help but smile at the possiblities....

  4. Hang in there, hon. Believe me, I know what you're going through ... I remember after dealing with the results of my first IVF (severe OHSS) that we jumped right into IVF #2 and as I injected myself I thought WTF am I doing to myself?! Why would I willingly put myself through this insanity when my life is really not so bad?! But you know what, underneath all of that is a drive and an urge so strong to have a baby that it overrides all other feelings. So I feel ya, and I pray that every injection is only bringing you closer to that precious baby.

  5. Sonya, truly sorry to hear of the emotional roller coaster. I can't really reply other than you are doing this for a reason. It's the same reason you started with over 2 years ago. At the moment it seems worthless, ridiculous, and hopeless all rolled into one.

    Wish you wouldn't doubt what you are doing. It's not like you woke up one morning and said "Yah, know I'd like to have another baby. Let's do IVF." You have gone through many a trials, failures, and heartaches to put you where you are today.

    Remember this is more of the synthetic hormones talking than anything else! You should have some doubt, fear, and guilt b/c this is shuch a huge step. But with the possibility of so many fertilized eggs, your chances are already so much higher. Try to think positive!!! We are all with you on this!