my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


A hand on my stomach when I woke
Like so many mornings before
My own, there... by habit
Feeling for a change, a rise,
Sending messages
Quickly gone, shamed to admit
Maybe I'd forgotten
The scarlet truth.
Hot bleach water
Burning that hand
Rags swirling across dirt
Scrubbing away stains
And memories
Over and over
And over.
On my knees, reddened,
Some ignored tears,
A sob from someone
In the room,
I'm surprised that
I'm alone.
Jerking myself back
To the task at hand
Erasing everything I can
From the mess I made
It's not so much this time
About what we lost
More so about
What we may
Never have at all.

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