The Last Night

Ignorance is bliss.  That means if you don't know what's going on, you're happier.  Or, if you don't know there's a bug in your salad and think it was just a crunchy nut, it's most likely a good thing.  Or... well.. you get the picture.  Not knowing can be pretty freaking comfortable.  Especially on this journey.

I have never been one to stick my head in the sand.  In fact, I can say I am pretty disliked among a few family and peers for my unique and horrid habit of pulling everyone elses' head out of the sand as well.  I don't mind bad news, or gross crap, or facing stupid issues head on.... and can't seem to wrap my head around those who do.  I mean, is facing the truth going to make it less true?  Is hearing the news going to change the news? 

well?  is it?

No, of course not, but prolonging it can be pretty comfortable when you just can't take on anymore truth or news for a while. 

I've purposely not gotten any more betas.  The only thing I've done is test a few times a week just to see the super dark line rise in super fast time.  Oh my gawd, that feels good.  Like confirmation that at least I'm not a freaky nutball for all the symptoms I have.  At least I'll be justified for falling asleep on the deck last night, and a neighbor having to wake me up.  Or throwing up a time or two at work (made it to the toilet!).  Or peeing seven times a day. 

It's senseless to get betas anyhow.  Blighted ovums don't care about the little matter of a live embryo.. they just keep pumping hormones out into your body and growing a gestational sac like nobody's business.  Betas are fuck-all helpful when you might just have an ugly old sac of gawd knows what in there - minus baby. 

Okay.  It's Thursday night.  Honestly, I am excited about tomorrow.  I know it may not be good, but chances are that it is.  Tomorrow my post will be different.  I will either be pretty sad and pissed or I'll be in shock and disbelief.  I wonder what the next step will be.  Will we decide to try another IVF?  Will we give up and just start to spend insane amounts of money on home renos and travel?  Will I get my tummy tuck and start working out to lose 30 lbs?  Or will I be planning the nursery and loving every ache and twinge that my body will experience?

Last night for things being the way they are without any more information than what we have.