Tick Tock...

It's Tuesday evening.  Time is crawling.  I'm finding things to do throughout the day to occupy my mind and pass the minutes.  It's kind of hard because I can't seem to concentrate for very long on anything.  I know that my life is going to be different on Friday, after the ultrasound. 

I'm not sure how I feel about this at this time.  I went through dreading it and looking forward to it, and now I'm kind of ambivalent.  Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it.

I had one moment where I really felt completely at ease.  I am still taking hpts every few days or so (sometimes a week apart).  Unless I have a blighted ovum again, which I would seriously be pissed if I got two in a row (does that even happen??), then the lines will keep getting darker and appear faster. 

I am usually at work when I have the compulsion and the Wal Mart is just across the street from my shop.  So yesterday I went and bought a two pack, hoping for a different pharmacy cashier, and since I had to pee so badly, I was forced to confirm my impending motherhood in the store bathroom.  As I sat there, watching an impossibly dark line appear much faster than even the control line came into focus, I was hit by nausea, which was part of my morning for the past few hours. 

I thought, just for a few moments, that I am totally completely pregnant and everything will be fine.  What more proof could I want?  I felt a sense of overwhelming peace and that hint of 'glowing motherhood' that I remember from happier, more successful pregnancies when my boys were under gestation.  I envisioned the ultrasound, seeing the measuring of the fetal pole, the gestational sac, the crown to rump measurements and that wondrous flicker of a heartbeat. 

It didn't last long...  I do feel very different than before, when I had the blighted ovum and miscarriage in February.  I went back and read my blogs from that time.  By this  point in the non-pregnancy pregnancy, I was having a hard time even saying I might be pregnant.  I had told the u/s tech to expect nothing, or at least nothing with a heartbeat.  I don't feel that way this time - I am, in all honesty, cautiously optimistic. 

Oddly enough, I am more worried that if I am not pregnant, that I will feel like such a fool for all these symptoms.  As I said before, I've spent more time trying to convince myself that these bouts of nausea, the exhaustion, the cravings, the sore breasts are not real, and simply made up in my mind through a deep subconscious desire to feel pregnant. 

If you think I am over-thinking this, you are right.  Of course I am.  I know it, I'm aware of it, and a few times in the day, I seriously overindulge in it.  Mostly when I write my blog or to one of the amazing women whom grace my inbox with their own stories or encouragement or words of sincere understanding. 

It's Tuesday evening.  Wednesday's next.  A long day at work, perhaps go and play pool at the pub and enjoy dinner out with family.  One day at a time, right?