my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tick Tock...

It's Tuesday evening.  Time is crawling.  I'm finding things to do throughout the day to occupy my mind and pass the minutes.  It's kind of hard because I can't seem to concentrate for very long on anything.  I know that my life is going to be different on Friday, after the ultrasound. 

I'm not sure how I feel about this at this time.  I went through dreading it and looking forward to it, and now I'm kind of ambivalent.  Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it.

I had one moment where I really felt completely at ease.  I am still taking hpts every few days or so (sometimes a week apart).  Unless I have a blighted ovum again, which I would seriously be pissed if I got two in a row (does that even happen??), then the lines will keep getting darker and appear faster. 

I am usually at work when I have the compulsion and the Wal Mart is just across the street from my shop.  So yesterday I went and bought a two pack, hoping for a different pharmacy cashier, and since I had to pee so badly, I was forced to confirm my impending motherhood in the store bathroom.  As I sat there, watching an impossibly dark line appear much faster than even the control line came into focus, I was hit by nausea, which was part of my morning for the past few hours. 

I thought, just for a few moments, that I am totally completely pregnant and everything will be fine.  What more proof could I want?  I felt a sense of overwhelming peace and that hint of 'glowing motherhood' that I remember from happier, more successful pregnancies when my boys were under gestation.  I envisioned the ultrasound, seeing the measuring of the fetal pole, the gestational sac, the crown to rump measurements and that wondrous flicker of a heartbeat. 
It didn't last long...  I do feel very different than before, when I had the blighted ovum and miscarriage in February.  I went back and read my blogs from that time.  By this  point in the non-pregnancy pregnancy, I was having a hard time even saying I might be pregnant.  I had told the u/s tech to expect nothing, or at least nothing with a heartbeat.  I don't feel that way this time - I am, in all honesty, cautiously optimistic. 

Oddly enough, I am more worried that if I am not pregnant, that I will feel like such a fool for all these symptoms.  As I said before, I've spent more time trying to convince myself that these bouts of nausea, the exhaustion, the cravings, the sore breasts are not real, and simply made up in my mind through a deep subconscious desire to feel pregnant. 

If you think I am over-thinking this, you are right.  Of course I am.  I know it, I'm aware of it, and a few times in the day, I seriously overindulge in it.  Mostly when I write my blog or to one of the amazing women whom grace my inbox with their own stories or encouragement or words of sincere understanding. 

It's Tuesday evening.  Wednesday's next.  A long day at work, perhaps go and play pool at the pub and enjoy dinner out with family.  One day at a time, right?


  1. Oh Sonya, I wish I could make time speed up and have it be Friday for you already!! It sounds like you are handling the anxiety of the impending ultrasound remarkably well considering all you endured with that blighted ovum, so you should be proud of yourself. The waiting game plays evil tricks on your mind and makes you second guess every little symptom, but I do think the darkening line on the HPT and your symptoms are very encouraging. Hold on a little bit longer -- you will have your answer SO soon!

    I'm thinking of you!!

  2. Hi Sonja - it's jillybean011877 from WTE G&L, not that I have been on there much recently, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so excited for you!! I know how difficult the waiting game is, I am praying and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I have followed your story since our paths crossed on WTE, you are an extraordinary woman and you are one of the strongest women I know. I'll be thinking of you these next few days and waiting anxiously for your update.

  3. Good luck tomorrow. I know there's some real inescapable unpredictability here...BUT I also do put stock in your "gut" feeling about the viability of the pregnancy--and it really does sound better than last time.

    I'm hoping for the very best for you and your husband!

  4. I just had to LOL at your picture of your tests. I even showed M. Just to prove I was not along. Mine have now been moved to a ziplock baggie. I am thinking of you and praying for you today.