my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Every Thursday marks off another week.  As if it takes me seven whole days to raise my foot to the level of the next tiny step on the ladder.  I find my fingers seeking out facts and numbers on the keyboard as if somehow these statitics can prove that a baby is growing within me.  David said it was strange.  Strange because I am the 'feeling' person, the instinctive, touchy, sensitive, artsy person and he is the numbers, charts and stats person in the relationship.  He said that he 'feels' that everything will turn out perfect, and I search for numbers to confirm it.  This is, indeed, strange.... Except....

My experience with conception has gone from passionate nights of emotional and physical intimacy with the man of my dreams to simply viewing my reproductive system as a labratory test tube.  It belongs to doctors who poke, prod, measure and calculate me constantly.  My days are measured by what doctor needs to examine me, which pills I will be inserting into which part of my body, or what dose of stinging medication I will be plunging into my abused belly fat.  My chances of motherhood do not lie in the dreams of a night of lovemaking, they are measured by dark burgundy blood that is drawn by sterilized needles in sterilized labs, by bruises and band-aids and phone calls. 

Passion is gently stowed away for weeks, months at a time so that my uterus is undisturbed and whatever is growing in there has complete territorial rights.  We fearfully respect those boundaries and settle for gentle kisses, cuddling and sinking deep into novels at night instead of each other. 

It's not so strange, after all, that I measure my pregnancy with numbers, considering how much emotion I have had to remove from it. 

I wonder what's happening deep inside me, in the most protected place possible.  Proof of life is aching, throbbing breasts and the constant bubble of nausea sitting somewhere between my stomach and my lips.  I allow myself brief moments of delicious imagination, when I have a moment to do so.  I picture myself with a growing belly, David witnessing his child coming to life a moment at a time for months and months, right before his eyes.  I imagine myself swollen with the weight and happiness of it all, finally able to browse possibilities of cribs, tiny boots, and life.  I avoid thoughts of the other possibilities... except to think... surely... the odds are with me, the numbers are in my favor at last.


  1. Sonya, my thoughts and prayers are with you... You have put into words what I have not been able to say about my feelings towards conception these days. Nothing is the same anymore (after 12 m/c).
    I pray this is your healthy take home baby.

  2. The numbers are definitely in your favor. You're inching closer and closer to that ultrasound and beyond. Hold on a little longer. I am praying for your all of your moments of imagination to come true!!

  3. I just wanted to drop by and tell you that I prayed for you last night. I am praying that that little baby(ies) snuggles in tight for the next 8-9 months. I know you are in a place that can be down right frightening right now. Hang in there hon. The 23rd is right around the corner and I'm thinking there will be cause for much celebration! (((HUGS)))