Just Me In My Skin.

When I went for my ultrasound on Friday, I had high hopes.  I really did think there was a chance for all this to happen, and after getting positioned and giving the ultrasound tech a few moments, I asked her point blank, "is there anything there?  Should I even hope?"

She said she didn't see anything yet, and decided to do a transvaginal u/s.  I pretty much knew at that point what the news was going to be.  My thoughts jumped to my husband sitting outside the room, and how excited and hopeful he was to be called in to see the heartbeat of his first child.  I lay there, quietly staring off into space, my thoughts with David and how he would take this, while the tech tried in vain to see something, anything she could contribute to an embryo.  It felt like the world was dropping out from beneath me and I was nothing.  Not even tears could express my sadness. 

The tech apologized to me, and showed me the screen where I numbly confirmed that she was right, there was not even a speck of anything in the black, silent sac.  Nothing at all.  Like me. 

Leaving the room and facing David was one of the most difficult experiences I've had to go through during all of this.  He had a bewildered look on his face when I appeared instead of the tech, and asked what had happened.  I couldn't talk until we left the hospital.  We sat in the parking lot of the hospital for over an hour, not sure where to go, not wanting to be anywhere, just grieving and consoling each other.  We called our parents and consoled them through their own loss, then cried again after hanging up, trying to be strong for them, so they wouldn't hurt for us anymore than they already did.

We asked each other what we needed, and surprisingly, he wanted to go to the driving range with my oldest son, who is 22.  I encouraged him to go, to do what he needed to get through the initial sting.  Me, I went to the grocery store and bought two huge t-bone steaks, a pound of crab legs, baked potatoes and everything needed for gingered vegetables.  I updated my facebook - hating it but needing the support of my friends and family who were all anxiously awaiting good news. I called my clinic and spoke to my doctor - you can do that when you pay stupid amounts of money for private medical care - and he confirmed to stop my meds and he would call on Monday.

I went home and headed straight for the liquor cabinet.  Two shots of high quality vodka in an extra spicy caesar (for my American friends that's a clam/tomato juice, vodka, salt, spice and Tabasco sauce) seemed appropriate.  Then I began cooking.  Ninety minutes and another drink later, David walked in to find an entire steak and seafood dinner just hitting the dining room table.  A good friend from out of town (one of my best friends from my hometown, actually) showed up soon after and we sat on the deck in the warmth of a lovely sunset, just talking about anything but babies and pregnancy. 

I had a few tears when I went to bed.  I curled up in my husband's arms and wept, feeling empty and stupid and useless... and he held me and listened and we fell asleep wrapped around each other.  There was a hole in our world that was just too big to comprehend....

I had nightmares, and woke at 4 a.m., and lay in bed, miserable and unwilling to start my day.  David had gone to work and I called him three times just to hear his voice.  "This is me," I said on the third call, "being clingy," and he laughed, which made me laugh.

He came home from work early.. and we talked.  We talked about how much it hurt, but each hour made the pain more blunt and more manageable.  I told him that we'd endured this before, and gotten through it.  I said that if it never worked, we had our entire life to heal, but only a short time to keep trying... and if we were successful, if it worked, then all the pain we went through would be forgotten.  It would be worth it.  He agreed, and suggested we do another cycle in January.  At first... I wanted to push for a sooner date, but I know this is his journey as well, and so I agreed without argument.  I am kind of excited to have a few months to just try naturally, and to lift things and run and take really hot baths and not inject something into my body every day.

I'll be talking to the doctor on Monday, to try and figure out what might be causing this or if it's really just bad luck.  I'll post that then... meanwhile.. did I mention that even though I am on horrid hormones and fertility drugs that I have managed to LOSE 10.5 lbs of the 26 that I gained?  That feels freaking good.  Oh, and tonight, after a long walk with my husband and the dog, and some running and laughing and relaxing, that I got my period?  Or my miscarriage started, however you want to think about it.  For this I am happy..... I want my body to cleanse itself of everything and just be me for a while.  No pregnancy hormone, no maybe-baby, nothing but me inside my skin.