my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Bored Rant.

Not because I am especially angry or anything, but because I'm especially bored.  My girlfriend and I are having a rare 'alone' evening.  Since I got here we've been drinking and eating and laughing and tonight we are just tired.  She's on her laptop across the room, I'm on mine here, and Criminal Minds is playing in the background on TV.  Ah.  I love visits like this.  

Okay.  Rant.  Today I was in the MetroTown Mall.  Since I am bored and wandering, I tend to look around a lot and watch people.  I could not help but notice an elderly Chinese woman with a cane coming towards me.  She was on the arm of a young man whom I suppose was her son.  She was drawn up and hunched, her hair hanging over her face, but as she passed, she looked sideways at me.  She had a meaty purple bruise covering her eye.  I stopped dead in my tracks and watched them pass.  Then I noticed, that in spite of her hunched back and cane, she was being practically dragged through the corridor.  She was walking much more quickly than seemed possible for someone so old and having to use a cane.  I watched them fade into the faceless crowd, but my heart was aching for her.  I thought of my own mom, who is still able to get around quite well, and how she would never be able to walk that quickly... and wondered what or who had struck the woman's face, and how tender it must be.  I felt so helpless.

I'm so not obsessing about this cycle that I really haven't even thought ahead to what I'll feel if I get pregnant.  Or, if I don't.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around it not implanting.  We've had that so many times already, that *getting* pregnant seems a given.  It's the keeping it that is going to be an issue.  It's waiting until we get that first ultrasound.   I sometimes wish that nobody knew about this except me, so I could go secretly and get my test and my ultrasound and if it's all a heartache and sadness I can lick my wounds quietly and go on with life.  It's seeing my hero, my husband, broken with the amazement of yet another miscarriage that is hardest for me.  I think I could do this for years if not for that part.

I somehow know that it's just a numbers game.  I've carried children.  I have tons of eggs and David's sperm is just fine. We get fertilized eggs, I have perfect lining, our tests were all perfect.  I suspect it's because we are older that we just haven't gotten the right egg yet.  I also suspect it's because of all the stress that has been in my life these past couple of years.  Face it.  I'm older, and my eggs are more fragile.  It's just numbers.  It will happen if we try long enough.  


  1. sonya...i posted as "anonymous" a while back...hopefully giving you hope (i am the one w/3 "natural" pregnancies resulting in children...subsequently 12 m/c's, 3 yrs of infertility and ultimately my final ivf w/ 6 implanted embies in the last and final go...which has resulted in 1 much wanted baby boy due in 4 weeks....there's the hope!)
    anyway- i am glad you are back up and running! sounds very great with all of your follies!!!! holy cow!!!! i am thrilled for you and you are certainly due for some good results! keeping everything crossed for you and your family...and checking in all the time!!!! xo

  2. Jeannie; thank you so much for your blogstalk and encouragement. I am really hopeful this time. I can't believe they implanted 6 embies - that's awesome! I'm so happy your pregnancy is going well. 12 miscarriages... sigh... We are on our third year this month so I hope that's enough.