Bored Rant.

Not because I am especially angry or anything, but because I'm especially bored.  My girlfriend and I are having a rare 'alone' evening.  Since I got here we've been drinking and eating and laughing and tonight we are just tired.  She's on her laptop across the room, I'm on mine here, and Criminal Minds is playing in the background on TV.  Ah.  I love visits like this.  

Okay.  Rant.  Today I was in the MetroTown Mall.  Since I am bored and wandering, I tend to look around a lot and watch people.  I could not help but notice an elderly Chinese woman with a cane coming towards me.  She was on the arm of a young man whom I suppose was her son.  She was drawn up and hunched, her hair hanging over her face, but as she passed, she looked sideways at me.  She had a meaty purple bruise covering her eye.  I stopped dead in my tracks and watched them pass.  Then I noticed, that in spite of her hunched back and cane, she was being practically dragged through the corridor.  She was walking much more quickly than seemed possible for someone so old and having to use a cane.  I watched them fade into the faceless crowd, but my heart was aching for her.  I thought of my own mom, who is still able to get around quite well, and how she would never be able to walk that quickly... and wondered what or who had struck the woman's face, and how tender it must be.  I felt so helpless.

I'm so not obsessing about this cycle that I really haven't even thought ahead to what I'll feel if I get pregnant.  Or, if I don't.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around it not implanting.  We've had that so many times already, that *getting* pregnant seems a given.  It's the keeping it that is going to be an issue.  It's waiting until we get that first ultrasound.   I sometimes wish that nobody knew about this except me, so I could go secretly and get my test and my ultrasound and if it's all a heartache and sadness I can lick my wounds quietly and go on with life.  It's seeing my hero, my husband, broken with the amazement of yet another miscarriage that is hardest for me.  I think I could do this for years if not for that part.

I somehow know that it's just a numbers game.  I've carried children.  I have tons of eggs and David's sperm is just fine. We get fertilized eggs, I have perfect lining, our tests were all perfect.  I suspect it's because we are older that we just haven't gotten the right egg yet.  I also suspect it's because of all the stress that has been in my life these past couple of years.  Face it.  I'm older, and my eggs are more fragile.  It's just numbers.  It will happen if we try long enough.