Day Four Morulas

Wow.  Feels like I've written this before.  In February, I think.  Ugh.

Let's hope for a better outcome this time, shall we?

So anyhow... we have eight embryos that are now four days old.  They are at morula stage, which is just some name for how far they've developed.    The cells are starting to compact and not usually individually visible.  They say it's not unusual to lose half of the embryos from day three but thankfully this hasn't happened!

What else hasn't happened...  Well for one thing I go hours and hours without thinking about the IVF.  Even half a day or more.  This does not mean I am cold hearted or uncaring, it means I am able to distract myself with some degree of success and think about other things.  Like spending much, much needed girlfriend time with Simar; like doing a little Christmas shopping for my family; like just taking hot baths and cooking good food.

Another thing that hasn't happened is that I am not freaking out about what we will do if this doesn't work. David and I had a very serious, very honest talk about what we would do in that case.  And at the end of it all, we both agreed the following facts:

• We only have a small window of time that I can safely conceive a child.
• We have excellent results as far as:
• Egg production
• Sperm production
• Egg quality
• Fertilization
• Implantation
• We survived the first miscarriage and agreed it was the hardest.
• Money, while never to be taken lightly, is not really an issue in this case.  We do not regret one single penny of what we've spent so far, and it hasn't impacted our savings or our future.
• Success, aka a child of our own, will make every needle, every plane trip, every ultrasound, pill, doctor's appointment, tear and heartache worth it.
• If it doesn't work, we have our entire lives to get over it.  Yes there will always be sadness attached to the loss and inability to conceive, however, life is not without loss and sadness.

In the past, David has been rather hesitant to take the next step in all of this.  From the decision to try, to timing intercourse, to IUIs, to clomid, to IVF, and then to IVF again... we've had intense discussions (never angry or arguing) about whether or not to do this... to take it another step. 

Once he's on board, I could not dream of a better partner and husband.   He is supportive, encouraging, hopeful, thankful and all around a wonderful guy.  It's the time between the failure and the agreeing to keep going that's really tough on me (and him I suspect).  I just don't have it in my any more to keep pushing and pulling him along during those in-between times.  I am also dealing with the hormones, the wear and tear on my body, my business being left, and the eventual loss of the pregnancy... so to have to try and use my feminine charms to get him back in the saddle was just too much for me this time.  Previously I've always begun to worry more about 'can we try again' if this fails than the actual failure itself.  Not good!  

So what also hasn't happened is that I am no longer as anxious about possible failure meaning possible end of the road.  David said that he agreed with me on the above facts listed, and that he wants to give it all we can until we can't anymore.  Whew.  Emotional load just released from my shoulders.  Thank you, honey.

Tomorrow is Egg Transfer time.  No idea why I cap't that, but it seemed like a Big Deal, so I did.  10:30 tomorrow we'll be pregnant with three embryos who hopefully decide to stick it out and meet mom and dad in about nine months.  

Wish.  Me.  Luck.  ;)