While Waiting...

I've been eating better.  I've been taking my vitamins.  I've been drinking way more water than ever.  I've switched mainly to whole grain bread versus white.  I've been successfully avoiding Pepsi, my only true addiction.  I've even stopped my 2x a week beer and clam habit.  And today I actually took the day off work and went skiing. 

I have gained weight since starting the meds.  Nearly 20 lbs in a year, and there's just no reason for me to make things worse with unhealthy eating habits.  And my store is in a mall, so our lunchtime choices are Panago Pizza, New York Fries, Tim Horton's Donuts, Chinese take-out and Orange Julius.  Notice there are no pita pits or subways nearby.  Gag.  So I've been getting up earlier, cooking soups and stews and chili from scratch, and taking sandwiches and soups from home. 

The hardest thing to break is my long term Pepsi habit. I've been addicted to one (sometimes two, never three) Pepsi a day for the past twenty years.  Gross... when I think of all the sugar that adds up to, how many chemicals going through my body.  So with that vice, I've had to be creative.  I've had to buy sugar and caffine free diet Pepsi, which I loathe, and know isn't good for me at all, and when I *must* have the carbonated, sharp sensation, I grab one of the substitutes.  But I've only had about one every other day or so, and I think I actually had one Pepsi since the beginning of the year; even my kids are surprised! 

David is working about three hours away, and there just happens to be a ski hill exactly halfway between us, so this morning we both set out and met for a day on the slopes with my niece, her kids, my son and his girlfriend.  We had a really nice day, although we are both needing to get more exercise, or perhaps get younger?  LOL  Actually we kept up quite nicely.  It was really sad to say goodbye, I won't see David again until we meet up in Vancouver at the end of the month.

And... so... as you can see, there was nothing in this blog about babies.  Oops.  Now there is!  LOL  I guess it was just a break to spend the day not thinking about the upcoming IVF!

Paying for Baby with Visa (Might as well get the travel rewards...)

Isn't that just kind of 'wrong' in a strange freaky kind of way?  Yes, I paid for the IVF today with our Visa so we could collect travel points.  I think it's the ultimate anology of 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonaid'. 

So the costs to date: 
$530 flight to Vancouver for Ultrasound & Initial Apointment
$127 room in GP to catch early flight
$60 fuel to go to GP and back
$90 cab fare to clinic and back to airport
$500 downpayment on cycle

$21 birth control pills

$5800 payment for cycle

$300 fuel for David to go to Edmonton Clinic

$140 room in Edmonton for David

$500 for my flight there and back...

That's $8014 so far.  Yikes.  For a chance.  Sigh.

The hotel rooms are covered by our insurance, and 20% of the drugs, which will be about $3000, so we'll only have to pay $600 of that, but I have decided to get a car as a result of the room being paid for, so that will be about $700, and David will have to fly down at the end of my cycle... so that's a final $250 to add to it all...

So that's about $10,614.

I just won't be able to really justify doing this again.  I will pray like the devil for a pregnancy and/or at least 8 frozen embryos!

Sorry to bore you with the details about money, but I know a lot of people want to know what it costs, I know I sure did when we started that.  Oh yeah, and throw in some acupuncture (covered by our insurance), but it's another $100 or so out of pocket! 

Oh!  Some more interesting news...  I found out that I am going to be able to apply for maternity leave if/when I actually do get pregnant.  Sometimes I get freaked out that I am so hopeful, then I get angry that I am so damaged that I won't allow myself that small luxury without slamming my own face into the pavement as a gentle reminder of what getting your hopes up means.

The Fun Stuff

Our super fertile family has this little thing where every four years or so, there are three or four babies born.  They are usually in groups of four.  Four cousins, four grandkids, four new births about every four years.  We even identify those born by their litter mates.  For instance, my oldest son, Mason, was born in the same year as Dustin, Melissa and Luke.  

As the family grew (apart) I haven't been keeping track as closely, and have to admit, the births have been more sporatic lately, with little girls and boys popping up every couple of years in pairs rather than groups.

It seems that things are picking up in the baby-making area though, I have two nephew's wives and a niece who are currently expecting (all new announcements!) and another niece who is trying (and is super fertile - just a matter of a couple cycles I'm sure).   This is strangly exciting for me.  Upon hearing the news of each budding belly I examined my own feelings, waiting for the onslaught of jealousy, self pity or even resentment.  I am delighted to say, however, that I am simply thrilled for each and every tidbit of gossipy information regarding these new members-to-be of our family tree. 

I'm cautious because I know my feeling of elation just might be part of my own creeping sense of hope, but screw being cautious... I am enjoying feeling joy and interest in these pregnancy announcements, and intend on milking this for all it's worth. 

It will be strange, however, to be a second generation mother, pregnant at 38 with all these women who are anywhere from 12 to 15 years younger than me.  hehe  I wouldn't trade places for a moment!  I'll take my super stable, boring, experienced life and throw a newborn into it any day.

David Leaves.... More Tests Tomorrow... Insurance Update

As most of you know, David works out of town most of the time.  His job as an environmental consultant with the pipelines means that he travels all over Western Canada.  What that's meant for us in the TTC realm is that we've had to make a lot of trips and juggle timing and flights to try to get together when the time is right.  Sometimes we make it, sometimes we just get the benefits of trying.

Anyhow, he has been home since December 19th, and left today.  That's the longest I've seen him since last June.  Wow.  Never realized that until I said it.  He had to leave a day early because he has to do another SA - this time in the RE lab in Edmonton (satelite clinic).  So he had to drive the six hours to Edmonton, do the tests tomorrow and then drive back to High Prairie, AB where he's working. 

We're hoping to get together for a ski trip halfway between home and work next Sunday, and then won't see each other until we meet up for the egg retrieval at the end of the month.  It will seem like forever.  Even when you're used to missing someone, it doesn't make it easier.

Oh and the insurance stuff... sounds like we made a great move on the extended health.  I'm not 100% sure yet, but it seems that not only will our fertility drugs be covered (80% anyhow) but that our medical travel expenses will also be covered.  That means airfair, hotel... which means I might be able to afford a car when I'm down there.  It means we might save as much as $3000 in travel expenses, not to mention the $3000+ in drugs.

As things are happening quickly, my need to document and record becomes more frenzied.  I love to blog, but not when it's all just filled with dashed hopes and nothingness.  At least we have some hope.  I fully realize it might not work.  I know we might test and it might be negative.  But we're have tried.  We'll have done all we could have done.  And that's enough. :)

It's Happening Very Quickly!

It's only 12 days until I leave for Vancouver!  It seems like time is rushing forward.  Frankly, now that the real prospect of motherhood is upon me, I am terrified.  I've become very used to 'wanting' a baby and I know my chances are very good now at actually 'having' a baby. 

I've filled up my life with non-baby activities and getting used to being baby-less.  I'm nervous about everything.  Nervous about doing something wrong if I do get pregnant and causing another miscarriage.  Nervous about having a hard pregnancy.  Nervous about finding a good doctor if I am pregnant with multiples.  Nervous about the birth.  Nervous about it not working.

I am not a person who is used to feeling fear..... most of the time I am confident and excited about this journey's turn, but sometimes little feelings of terror creep up my spine and I am left motionless and wide eyed. 

Weighed. Measured.

Yesterday we got the final go ahead on our IVF schedule.  My numbers from the tests are great, ovaries are perfect size and uterus is great shape with a smooth interior.  The doctor was very happy to say that we had ten antral follicles on the left ovary and twelve on the right.  Dr. Havelock said that he looked for ten as a good indicator and was very pleased with the twelve on my dominant ovary. 

So they called us on the 31st and gave us our drug protocal... and schedule.  We officially start the process on January 15th with a 7:30 a.m. baseline ultrasound and bloodtest.  Then I start my drugs that day with two injections daily.

Here's our schedule: 
January 8th - Pay remainder of cost
January 14th - Fly to Vancouver, BC
January 15th - Baseline blood & ultrasound - start meds:  150 IU Bravelle - 75 IU Menopur
January 17th - Blood test & Ultrasound
January 19th - Blood test & Ultrasound
January 21st - Blood test & Ultrasound
January 23rd - Blood test & Ultrasound
January 25th - Blood test & Ultrasound
January 27th - 30th - Egg Retrieval
January 31st - February 4th - Egg Transfer

My CD3 FSH was a level of 7:  FSH is a blood test. It is the hormone that drives your antral follicles to grow. As a follicle grows (up to 16-24mm in size), it is helping to mature the egg inside. You need FSH to grow your eggs.  If you have a good ovarian reserve, your body doesn’t need to make very much FSH to start the process of egg maturation. A number less than 10 IU/L is good; less than 8 is ideal. Greater than 12 is a worry.

My AFC on left ovary was 10 / right ovary was 12:    Antral Follicle Count (AFC) The AFC is an ultrasound test. The ideal AFC is 10-15 over the two ovaries. If your AFC is <10, your ovarian reserve (on that cycle) is low. AFC is as good as, and usually better than, FSH levels when predicting ovarian reserve.

Test Results, The Clinic and Waiting to Go Home

Well... It feels kind of strange.  Surreal, like I'm not really here, just pretending to be.  But I am here...  In Vancouver, waiting in an internet cafe for time to slip by so I can head to the airport and wait for it to slip by some more.  My iPhone is almost dead so this computer is pulling double duty as I've plugged my wireless device into another wireless device with, yeah, you guessed it, a wire.  When will they get these things to charge wirelessly?

I was up all night tossing and turning, scared I'd miss the plane, that David didn't set the alarm correctly, or that it wouldn't work.  Of course it did, and so did mine. :)  Anyhow...  I was up at 4:20 this morning, waiting for 5 to roll around to get to the airport at 6 to take off at 7.  Ugh.  I'm so tired now! 

Flight was pretty routine, I am not keen on landing at the best of times and landing on an ice covered runway during a snowstorm doesn't ease my un-keen-ness at all.  However, I digress.  I arrived in Vancouver in time to walk out the front of the airport doors, slide into a waiting cab and got to my appointment with 5 minutes to spare.  The clinic had good energy, a little too clinicy for my taste... very ultra modern decor, but it was all nicely done and the staff were very nice.

I put down a $500 IVF deposit and we were off and running.  I was weighed (oh, God... gained 23 lbs since starting fertility treatments a year ago!! OMG)  and measured (same height as starting fertility treatments - oh well) and then told to strip from the waist down.  Now I've been in a lot of doctor's offices, striped from the waist down, but this was a really long, scary wait.  I know I wasn't left that long, but I was really truly anxious, and why do they put your butt facing the door so when the doc comes in he gets a nice dose of bum-line to start the introductions??

Doctor Havelock was very young.  I'd guess mid 30's.  Kind of has a Micheal J. Fox look and expressions.  I was really shocked at how upset I was at my previous treatment, and asked them to be patient with me, I had not realized how much stress and pressure I had been under, keeping track of all my meds, doses, appointments, etc.  He was great, and took care to show me the ultrasound and explain what he was doing as we went along.  

First he inserted the cathetor into my cervix, it didn't hurt at all, not like when Dr. Lang used the *evil* teneculum to clamp down on my poor cervix.  Dr. Havelock is my new best friend.  He got the thing in without any pain or even hesitation.  Okay, so anyhow, then he has the nurse hold a tube of saline, and he goes in with the vaginal ultrasound.  I have had so many vaginal ultrasounds that I barely noticed the vainal ultrasound.... hmmmm

Anyhow... so he looks at my ovaries and says they are excellent.  Good size, 10 anterior follicles on the left and 12 on the right.  Ten is considered good/average, so the doctor was very pleased.  Then the saline was slowly injected, some mild discomfort there... and the uterus was ultrasounded.  And it was great.  Doctor said the walls were nice and smooth, no abnormalities, and looked great. 

Now we just need the final blood tests performed so we can move onto getting the solid dates in place.  Those should be done on the 4th...  But the clinic said they'd give me my dates tomorrow so we can coordinate flights, hotels, etc. 

So I am sitting here... the cramps have really set in (doctor said they would) and I just downed three painkillers with a foul grapefruit/kiwi drink that won't see more than an inch missing from the bottle.  Hopefully the meds kick in soon.

Oh, and on a final note.. we did get extended medical so our drugs and travel costs *should* be covered....  Yay!  Now into a cab to the airport and wait another few hours to climb onto the plane, fly to Edmonton and then finally drop into Grande Prairie (and David's arms) at 10:30 tonight, for the 2.5 hour drive home... *yawn*

It's Like Being In Line For The Roller Coaster

You can't wait to get there, but you have a ball of dread in your stomach at what's going to happen.  There's nothing anyone can tell you to keep away - you hear stories that conflict each other.  Some tales are dripping with excitement and wonder and a smug knowing accomplished with a tender nudge.  Others... others are filled with dire warnings and a firm hand, one that holds you back. 

But it's our ride.  We've paid a horribly high price for the ticket.  We're not only committed, we're obligated... to something that doesn't have a name, a heartbeat or a voice, only the hope of one.  So we'll take it, and we'll share our story at the end.  We'll be a lot wiser at the end of it, we'll also be very happy or very sad.

I'm off to PCRM in Vancouver on December 30th for a sonohystogram and more bloodwork, as well as my injections class.  Should be interesting to know if I've been doing my injections correctly for the past six months - I never had as much as a 'how-to' flyer given to me.  Oh, and the drugs should be interesting... I was on clomid for 12 months and started to experience vision issues, then found out I am only supposed to be on clomid for a maximum of 6 months, and the vision symptoms I was experiencing are indicitive of my retina detaching.  Lovely. 

I had CD3 tests performed on December 23rd, but won't find out the results until the 30th... I am hopeful they were good!

My other blog is a baby blog

Haha, right?  Seriously.  I have an empty 'Wilson Baby Blog' all designed and empty and waiting for some kind of news about a pregnancy.  I started it last February when I was so sure that pregnancy was going to stick.  Haha, right? 

Well, I guess we'll see over the next six months if we'll get to use that empty shell and use some of the pretty designs and ideas I put into it.  Oh yeah, and the blog might take flight as well. 

We start IVF procedures in January.  Seems we might be flying down to Vancouver at the end of the month for more tests and initial/first round of consultations and official introduction to our IVF path.  yay.  I mean... Yay!

Okay I have to admit I am a little excited.  A little hopeful.  It seems in the IVF world we are pretty good candidates for those old success rate sheets.  I mean we  have no fertility issues, we've gotten pregnant, I've done my duty as a breeding mare before and David's boys are up to par.  I'm 'average' age in the IVF realm and in good health.  Hopefully the end of January will be the beginning of a pregnancy. 

The Final Step

In a vastly fertile family, it seems kind of freakish that I will be moving onto IVF.  David and I had big talks about it and while he has more fear than I do about the entire thing.  I want it to be over one way or the other.  I am tired of every month, every plan, every season being about me 'maybe' being pregnant.  Plus the drugs make me fat.  I really dislike being fat.  I have managed to gain 20 lbs of fat since I started the drugs and not one bit of it can be contributed to pregnancy.  It's actually non-pregnancy fat.  Not cute and charming like pregnancy fat, which can be easily overlooked when you have a cooing, gorgeous newborn to distract those intruding eyes.

So the papers came in the mail today.  The legal forms required to procreate.  I remember when getting pregnant meant having a few too many beers and praying feverishly for your period and avoiding the pregnancy test until you were about ten days late.  We have to have STD tests; AIDS and Hep B and C and small pox and even syphillis and chicken pox.  Yes I know the 'pox' are not STDs but they are still on the list.  Nobody wants to create a baby from impure ingredients I guess. 

And I get to have another FSH test.  It was a year ago this month when I had my first one.  I wonder if all my 'good eggs' have been wasted on the useless IUI cycles we did (mostly uninseminated - is that a word, un-inseminated?)  I mean, did I have like... 30 good eggs left and they are gone?  Can my FSH really raise in 12 months...? 

This thing is going to a whole new level and while my hopes are raised, I am all too aware that the height from which I might fall is raised as well. 

Ultrasound, Check - Follicle, Check - Doctor, ummmm Doctor???

Yep.. you got it.... I went for my ultrasound this morning and the ultrasound tech went to talk to the doctor but came back ten minutes later saying she couldn't get in touch with him.  So, she gave me the stats, or at least most of them.  I have one follicle that measures 18mm X 15mm X 23mm on my right ovary, and 9 smaller ones that she didn't have sizes for.  My uterine lining was a nice 8 mm which is good for where I am in my cycle.

So I'm on track.  Everything is going just swell.  Except there was no doctor to be found.  I called the office all day and finally had a neighboring receptionist go over and try to get them to answer a message, but there was nobody there.   Sigh.

It's not like I would be triggering tonight or anything.. and with that one big egg waiting to burst I doubt if he'd have me do more injections, so I don't think anything will be really affected at this point, but I am looking forward to hearing from his office in the morning.

I somehow have a bit more hope now.  Maybe it's because two more of my blog buddies are pregnant, and another just gave birth.  I am always, always the only non-pregnant one.. but that can't last forever, can it?

Upcoming Schedule as of Today.... (in anticipation)

Trigger on Wednesday night around 10 p.m.
IUI on Friday morning around 10 a.m.
BD Friday around 2 p.m.
Test around December 17th
Do not tell anyone until Christmas - including David if I am so lucky as to get a bfp
EDD August 27th.

Wannabe Check - Tomorrow - 11:45 a.m.

We've decided that's what we'll call it.  A wannabe check.  Counting and measuring the little 'wannabe' follicles...

I was supposed to have my U/S today but we weren't able to get it booked in, so we opted for the next best thing - tomorrow.  I usually take 1 or 2 amps of FSH after my first ultrasound on Monday, so I took 1 amp just in case.  This is a strong drug but I am very confident that I was safe to take the half dose.  I am rather worried about my uterine lining... I was spotting until last Friday and am not confident that it will be thick enough.  Regardless, it's all too late now and I can only hope for the best.

There's always one

I am on several TTC message boards. For the past fourteen months I've been a loyal follower, avid poster, and eager, upstanding member of the freakishly addictive online pregnancy-obsessed community.

At first I was soaking up any bit of attention, comfort, or answer that I could glean from other cracked, stinging women who had also lost their pregnancies. I cried at my keyboard, I typed in stunned disbelief as the last of the innocence I'd known slowly leaked out of me into a maxi-pad. I took out my anger and fear on the boards instead of my two bewildered teenage sons and grief stricken husband.

Slowly, as the blood eventually stopped flowing and six long weeks of nothing took up that painful, blurry summer, I began to offer some kind of support to other newly-raped-of-innocent non-mothers drifted into the board. I got a bit of a reputation for poignant advice. I also got something else. Hope. I started to see other non-mothers report newly discovered lines on previously barren pee sticks. I started to see them progress into later stages of pregnancy, and then I started to see them deliver.

Through it all, through two more miscarriages and about twelve months, I got to hold onto a big, glittery ball of hope. Every bit of good news, every new pregnancy or birth just added to the glitter and shine! I was never bitter, never envious of other women who were sporting expanding waistbands and contracting levels of comfort. I was inspired and revived by all the women who were getting pregnant - all around me!

I started to notice, sometime around September, that I was forgetting my ball of hope, leaving it laying around the house, forgetting to take it with me when I left for work in the morning, or when I was going to yet another doctor's appointment.

I think it was around the same time that five, yes, five women in both my online and real life circle became pregnant in ONE WEEK that I started to clue in. Holy fuck. I might not ever get pregnant. I sat down and calculated the women who I knew in the past year who had moved onto 'the other side'. Twenty-six. One woman was actually already starting to try again with a four month old still nursing her oh-so-fertile breast. These are not women who I've seen get bfp's online. I've seen HUNDREDS of those. These are women who I actually talk to, know their stories, and they know mine. It began to dawn on me, I was the ONLY ONE in my moderate circle who was not only facing losses, but now, oh thank you!, I was facing secondary infertility.

So the nice, round, glittery ball of hope started to feel more like a rock that was placed in my bed, just under the sheet, and right in the place I love to curl up and sleep my worries away. It's getting in the way. I am starting to wonder at the purpose of it, and why I wanted it in the first place. New pregnancies are still adding to the ball, but not in the shiny happy way it was in the beginning. Now the pregnancies add bulk and sharp edges to my ball of hope, and makes it heavy and I feel stupid lugging it around. I think other people think I look stupid with it, too. It has turned from a pretty, glowing centerpiece for family dinners and doctor reports to an obscene, embarrassing thing that nobody really wants to comment on. They secretly wish I'd put it away, bury it in the backyard, or simply forget it for good. What good has it done me, anyhow?

We've agreed on two more IUI's. One of which I am currently being ultrasounded, stabbed with needles, medicated with strong pills, and will have the actual insemination performed on Friday. What used to be sensual and warm, filled with hope lovemaking has turned into sterility, time-sensitive deadlines, drugs and bright, strong lights.

After the two IUI's, which I really don't have a hell of a lot of hope for, (remember that is just an ugly rock now), we will move onto at least one IVF. I somehow have reserved some positive energy for that possibility, but not a lot. After that? I guess I really will bury that stupid, used to be glowing ball of hope. Just put it away forever, out of the house, maybe in the back shed under the old skis and discarded, plastic flower pots that I just might use one day, but haven't been inspired to yet. Just more hidden away junk with an old, dull, awkward rock underneath it. I'm sure my husband will quietly discard it in the summer, when he quietly cleans out the shed while I'm at work. And I'll be forever grateful for his silent burial of what we used to treasure so highly.

My boring update...

Well. It is. Boring!

Last cycle was a medicated IUI and a complete bust. No double line, just a great chart and lots of hope.

Then I had a lil' breakdown. Nothing dramatic, nothing worth writing home about, just a 'submission' of sorts. Acceptance of what is, and what is not. A promise to keep trying, a promise to not lose myself in the process.

So my doctor wants to do a little checking before we start another round of meds. I've got an ultrasound booked for tomorrow to check for cysts and make sure we can safely continue this month. I was on birth control for about a week. I haven't been temping or bothering with even thinking about ttc much, until this morning, when I finally took my temp again. If we are not doing the meds then David and I will be going au natural again and I must need to know when I ovulate, so I can take the lovely progesterone. No temping after ovulation, however. No stopping the progesterone early, and no testing until two weeks. I'm never good at that last one.

Da Faxt

December '08 - 7DPO Low Progesterone Result = 9.6
**** January '09 - Medicated 7DPO (Clomid 50mg) Progesterone Result = 40
**** February '09 - BFP / MC @ 5 Weeks Progesterone = 4.7
**** March '09 - Diagnosed LPD Luteal Phase Deficiency
 **** March '09 chemical pregnancy (beta 17dpo was "5")
**** April/May Cycle '09 - BFN
**** June '09 5th Round Clomid HSG 12DPO - BFN
**** July '09 - 6th Round Clomid 50mg BFN
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Aug 14 - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections, HCG trigger & Progesterone after Ovulation .... Overstimulated Ovaries - Over 12 large follicles (20mm+). IUI Cancelled! ****August '09 100mg Clomid, Repronex Injects 2ampsX3days, 1st Follicle Ultrasound Aug 31 Two Dominant Follicles - 15mm & 3 following close behind! Lining only 3mm... U/S #2 - *8* Mature Follicles, Lining at 8mm / Trigger on CD13 / IUI Sept 4th...Doctor *forgot* to book the proceedure - Sperm was processed for SA and ultimately destroyed. BFN, of course. October cycle - taking a break, no meds... just me and Mr. Wilson. OCTOBER 16th Cycle
**** Medicated IUI Scheduled Oct 28th - 100mg clomid, Repronex Injections 2 amp CD6/8/10 & 11. Ultrasound Oct 26 - 5 follicles 12-16mm lining 6 mm/ 5000 HCG trigger on Oct 27th, IUI Thursday at 10 a.m. Testing on November 7th - BFN.
****November '09..... BC for one week to hold off cycle to check for cysts - Ultrasound - all clear, 100 mg Clomid  days 5 to 10 / Repronex Injections 2 amps CD 6/8/10

Passing the Time

This month is a breeze. No needles, no pain, no worry about the cost, the pain, the timing... the mood swings, the anxiety from the meds.... all gone.

Instead I am back to the lovely feeling of 'what if' and enjoying the thought of making love to my husband in order to make a baby instead of waiting for hours to be inseminated by a harried doctor in a frenzied emergency room. It's kind of nice. Okay, it's really nice.

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm going to rehearsals almost every night of the week, and started pottery classes one morning a week. The store is running beautifully and our great big, beautiful new deck is just about done. Instead of spending all my time exploring reasons for my miscarriages, and trying to figure out what we can do to make it all work, I am spending evenings meeting new people in the community, laughing and learning.

I'm obviously still looking forward to motherhood. We're going to ovulate this weekend and have every intention of covering all our bases. And of course I'll be on pins and needles for two weeks.... but it all seems a lot more managable. Maybe the drugs cause me to make more out of it than I realize.....?

David and I got pregnant last year all on our own. Who knows about this time?

Back to Basics

Yepper.... I seem to have much more luck getting pregnant without my doctor. *laugh*

Between him being gone for my August cycle and not triggering me in time, causing me to miss that entire cycle, to him forgetting to book my IUI and destroying the sperm.... well I had a lot more chance of conception when he wasn't around. Which makes me have hope for this month... since I called first thing on Monday morning to schedule my ultrasounds and found out he's gone for a month. Jezus. It's a good thing I never started my meds again before I called to book the ultrasounds. He never had a message for me, never told me he was going..... *sigh*

So David and I discussed it and even considered taking the meds anyhow and triggering on our own, but both realized that would be pretty stupid and most likely a sure way to piss off the doctor. So we thought we'd just relax, give my body and his nerves a break from the body and roller coaster of emotions.

Our big plan this month doesn't include timing and monitors and injections and ultrasounds. It does include beer, laughter, perhaps some lingerie and having nobody involved in our baby making except. for. us. :-)

Upwards Sidewards Whateverwards...

I am in more acceptance than ever. That might sound defeatist, but it's actually pretty good. Accepting that I have two more years to have a baby with my amazing husband... accepting and re-realizing that I have excellent chances of pregnancy... accepting that this isn't our month, and accepting that what is, is.

Got another bfn yesterday at 12DPO....and am just happy to confirm what I already knew and get off the freak train that the hormones put me on.

Yeah, well...

What can I say. I was upset. Really. Really. Really. Upset. No real reason, nothing has really changed from two days ago until today. Maybe it's the approaching reality that I'll have to face my period once again. Maybe it's the guilt from screwing up the IUI. Maybe I'm just human and have every right to a pity party, as long as it's short, and I can scoop myself out of the litter box without getting too much bitterness and grit in my teeth.
So I was thinking.... get a gawd-damned grip, woman! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Adding drama and anger and bitterness (even though you feel them from time to time - you're no saint, ya know) to a situation that is far from hopeless and extremely exciting and can only enhance my life if successful... is STUPID! And rationalizing. I can feel the emotion from the hormones and still maintain dignity and strength and grace. I know that being a person, a woman, a mother, is sometimes not about getting what you want, but dealing with what you get with grace and gratitude.
And there is nothing quite so healing as warm hugs and encouragement from friends and a good chuckle in the face of a challenge. I have made it my own personal decision that I'm going to keep up the baby path until I'm at least 40...... that's two more years and girl, you better find a way to keep your chin up because there's going to be more challenges, more fear, more questions, more pain and more pregnant women parading thier beautiful bellies arond your store in the next 24 months!

I can do this... I can't say for sure that I'll give birth again, but I know I can do everything in my power to give this life that I want to birth the best chance in the world of becoming!

So I dug around and found some humor to spice up my depressing blog! I have to admit, it also spiced up my own attitude. I actually got a chuckle out of many of these cartoons.. these were a few that really stood out. I hope you enjoy them, and get a smile or two.

First Real Non-Pregnancy Breakdown?

Yesterday was a joke. I started out the morning thinking about how to write about 'getting over the pain of a miscarriage'. I wanted to talk about living in the present, focusing on the future and all that crap. Instead I ended up bawling my eyes out, hunched over the sink in our tiny bathroom, missing my lost, never-known baby-to-be. And as with any good pity party, anger heard the noise and made an abrupt, unannounced entrance. Party crasher.


Through tears and ruined makeup I started at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop staring at myself. Wondering why I am doing this. Why I am putting David through this.... realizing how quickly I am losing hope, and how I have begun to accept the fact that each month I will be 'looking forward to trying again'.


Planning a nursery, checking out cute onesies, anticipating those first flutters and kicks, bringing the wonder of being a parent into my husband's life. What used to be happy conversation has turned into something 'better left unsaid'. I don't often indulge in those dreams anymore. It's been downsized to only being able to fantasize about being pregnant, I think about David being a father, I sometimes stand in the shower and place my hand over my stomach, trying to imagine being full of baby again.... but they're Fantasies, not Hopes. They are dirty, secret thoughts that I know I'll never 'really' get to experience, but the sick wanna-be-mommy part of me gets off on. I don't admit openly to them anymore.




And the worst are the women who were trying and trying and trying and get pregnant. They're like reformed smokers. Caution, here's the anger part. Sorry to any of my trying and trying and trying and now pregnant friends who are reading this - I am happy for you, and you are most likely more considerate and understanding than most if I consider you a friend. But my friends aside, those women are the worst. They remind me of reformed ex-smokers. It's like along with pregnancy they've totally forgotten what it was like to want, to wish, to be let down again and again. They're the ones with the smug, holy advice to just keep trying, it'll happen, or relax and stop trying, it'll happen.... and you hope you're not actually tilting your head and looking at their glowing faces and swollen stomachs with as much disbelief as you are feeling. You don't want to rain on their little pregnancy parade, after all.

I'm not cruel. I would never take those pregnancies away from those wonderful women. They deserve it as much, and sometimes more, than I do. After all, I do have two beautiful grown sons who are sure to produce grandchildren one day. Babies will still be part of my future. I just mean.... why can't I be one too? One of those smug, relaxed, happy swollen souls. I'll even bear the cross of facing my still infertile friends if it could.just.be.me.


Okay, today's not proving to be much better than yesterday. I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the screen. I need to go to work. I need to forget about wanting, about wishing, about hoping, about those stupid lines on pregnancy tests that seem to disappear even if I do manage to coax my body into producing one.