my Self

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Fort St John, BC, Canada
My husband, David, and I had been trying to have a baby since November of 2007. After 'letting things happen', we got the amazing news that we were pregnant in June of 2008. Sadly, that pregnancy ended at 9 weeks with a natural miscarriage. After two more chemical pregnancies, we turned to fertility treatments in 2009. That decision was a disaster, with lousy medical care and poor monitoring. In December of 2009, we made the huge decision to move onto IVF. Things fell into place like magic and we began treatment on January 15, 2010. After a blighted ovum in March, we did a successful FET in June, only to endure another blighted ovum in July. We kept up and underwent another IVF in September/October of 2010 with the arrival of our son, Brogan in July of 2011! After our lovely success (finally) we decided to undertake yet another IVF treatment and hope for a sibling for our little red headed boy. Well... so far it's worked. Our story continues below!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Because I Have Compulsive Tendencies..

I tested again.  I woke up at 4:30 am after a solid resolve to not use another test so soon after the last one, marched straight to the bathroom and happily indulged in my addiction to pee on something that will cause an intense emotional reaction. 

I am not usually given to compulsive behaviors, except where this is concerned.  I have waited until my period was due to test and been shocked at seeing a negative test.  Floored... all the symptoms were there!  I was sure I was pregnant!  My mind had convinced my body to produce intense bouts of nausea, boob tenderness and other obviously pregnant symptoms.  I've learned to test is to have a constant reality check performed daily. 

I've learned that testing helps me process things slowly, whether they are welcome things or unwelcome things.  I like to keep my finger on the pulse of my... uterus. 

Anyhow, as I lay in bed this morning, quickly giving up the previous evening's proud resolve to resist the stick... I told myself all sorts of things... "I need to know if I'm pregnant so I'll know if I need to keep taking it easy," and "If I test in the morning, with lousy, diluted pee, and it's positive then I'll know it's a real sign to be hopeful," and of course "If I test now, and it's blank and ugly, I can still convince myself the previous lines were just the trigger, and still have hope."

So I tested.  The line started coming up within about two minutes (were I didn't have to squint).  It didn't flash across the window as the moisture passed over it, like when you're really pregnant, but it did start to slowly fade in.  I took it to the bedroom and switched on the lamp.  I turned the television on and told myself over and over that it would just be a teeny light line, no darker than the day before and a sure sign that the trigger was lingering impossibly long...or that it would be another chemical pregnancy, with lines never getting truly dark... (and that possibility is always there).

But whenever I glanced over to the nightstand, even in the dim light, I could see a line. No bright light, squinting, drying of test needed here... there was a line. 

Okay, we can't deny the lines are getting darker.  If you compare today's am test to yesterday's am test it's a lot darker..

So I'm going to be optimistic.  I'm not going to officially say "I'm pregnant" to myself or David or my mom  until I get a decent beta.  That's on Friday.  But until then, I'm going to be hopeful - I think I have a valid excuse!


  1. SONYA!! I have tears.. lots of tears! I am super hopeful for you!! keep me posted!

    Sarah Mae

  2. I am do excited for you! There is mo mistaking that that line is darker!!!!! Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

  3. Oh sweetie...I am ecstatic for you. The trigger is long gone. That is one very distinct and pretty line!

  4. YEY!!! (i'm reading it)
    I'm sitting at home ALSO hoping for the best for you... I need someone I can refer to when I become Pregnant and hopfuly we can show our big belly's off together or drive eachother up the wall (we're good at that) I'll continue reading...


  5. omg! the line IS getting DARKER!! This is by far the MOST promising of them all so far!!!

  6. Thanks to all for the great support. I'm getting NO work done today... LOL Nikki - I'm happy that you are checking it out!

  7. Oh yea that's a line!!! It is getting prettier and prettier as the days go by!! I can't wait to see it as dark as the control line!!

  8. Ok, so I don't know you and you don't know me, but I religiously follow your blog. The lines are definitely getting darker!!!!!I can't wait for your beta results on Friday.