Because I Have Compulsive Tendencies..

I tested again.  I woke up at 4:30 am after a solid resolve to not use another test so soon after the last one, marched straight to the bathroom and happily indulged in my addiction to pee on something that will cause an intense emotional reaction. 

I am not usually given to compulsive behaviors, except where this is concerned.  I have waited until my period was due to test and been shocked at seeing a negative test.  Floored... all the symptoms were there!  I was sure I was pregnant!  My mind had convinced my body to produce intense bouts of nausea, boob tenderness and other obviously pregnant symptoms.  I've learned to test is to have a constant reality check performed daily. 

I've learned that testing helps me process things slowly, whether they are welcome things or unwelcome things.  I like to keep my finger on the pulse of my... uterus. 

Anyhow, as I lay in bed this morning, quickly giving up the previous evening's proud resolve to resist the stick... I told myself all sorts of things... "I need to know if I'm pregnant so I'll know if I need to keep taking it easy," and "If I test in the morning, with lousy, diluted pee, and it's positive then I'll know it's a real sign to be hopeful," and of course "If I test now, and it's blank and ugly, I can still convince myself the previous lines were just the trigger, and still have hope."

So I tested.  The line started coming up within about two minutes (were I didn't have to squint).  It didn't flash across the window as the moisture passed over it, like when you're really pregnant, but it did start to slowly fade in.  I took it to the bedroom and switched on the lamp.  I turned the television on and told myself over and over that it would just be a teeny light line, no darker than the day before and a sure sign that the trigger was lingering impossibly long...or that it would be another chemical pregnancy, with lines never getting truly dark... (and that possibility is always there).

But whenever I glanced over to the nightstand, even in the dim light, I could see a line. No bright light, squinting, drying of test needed here... there was a line. 

Okay, we can't deny the lines are getting darker.  If you compare today's am test to yesterday's am test it's a lot darker..

So I'm going to be optimistic.  I'm not going to officially say "I'm pregnant" to myself or David or my mom  until I get a decent beta.  That's on Friday.  But until then, I'm going to be hopeful - I think I have a valid excuse!