10DPO - 5dp5dt - BFP!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!!!!  Photo taken in just under four minutes... 

9DPO - 4dp5dt

And I'm testing.  And testing.  It's the most fun part of this entire process!  At least.. when you get something to ponder and photograph.  Which I do.

I took the first test at 7dpo.   Yes, there was a tiny thin line that took forever to show up.  Obviously the trigger shot, but very faint and knowing how the trigger metabolizes, it was not going to stick around for long.  That was 9 days past the trigger.  The trigger is supposed to be out of your system after ten days.... that's the longest all the websites say, so I think it's pretty safe to say that ten days is an acceptable timeline.

So I took another test at 8dpo (yesterday), and hmmmm.... there was another line.  Okay.  This is a bit early for a bfp, but perhaps it's a very early bfp crossing over a very late trigger...?  Could happen?

Today I am 11 days past the trigger.. and got another line.  Definitely stronger than the lines before.  So here's my very first HPT Junkie Photo.  I won't post anymore unless there are lines.  Don't get me wrong... of all the people out there, I don't need your tsk tsk'ing of disapproval for me getting my hopes up, or testing too early.  As I've said - this is fun for me and I want to squeeze every bit of possible joy out of every bit of goodness possible.

Oh yeah, and there are some symptoms.  I'd like to rip my breasts off my chest and toss them into the kitchen garbage pail.  I did rip my husband's head off last night when he came in from the pipeline for a romantic evening with me.  I said I was sorry, carefully sewed it back on, and then promptly ripped it off again.  Yay for me.  Happy little pregnant lady.  Just glowing at times like that. 

Hey, I've been pregnant four times.. or is it five... in the past three years, so I know the rug can fly out from underneath me in a whisper's wink.  That's why I have my hands on the hallway rug and have my hands firmly placed on the wall.  I'm solid.  I'm prepared. I'm ready for a pregnancy and maybe that's what makes me emotionally stable enough to deal with not getting one.

2dp5dt - 7DPO

What does 2dp5dt mean?  What does DPO mean?  If you don't speak 'fertility' let me translate.

2dp = 2 days past

5dt = 5 day transfer... the '5' refers to how old the transfers are.... in this case, ours were five days old

dpo = days past ovulation

You'll notice that the 2 and the 5 equal 7, hence the 7dpo..... it's a little easier for some women who are following to have the timeline pointed out in both terms.

So, there you go, a lil' lesson on fertility-speak.  Now that you know what it means, want to know what it means?

It means, quite simply, that we are getting really close to seeing if this thing worked.  I've always gotten a real bfp (big fat positive) by 9dpo. 

One really horrible time after an IUI, I tested at 9DPO and it was positive.  I was so excited... then realized it just 'might' be the hcg trigger.  I tested again at 10DPO and it was totally white.  Ugh.  Like I needed that self-imposed kick in the gut.    So after that I learned to test out the trigger.  That's fertility talk for taking a pregnancy test early on a daily basis so you see the line fade away as the hcg leaves your system.  

If the lines comes back, you're pregnant.  If it doesn't, you never were.  Isn't there a quote that goes something like that?  

As far as feeling anything, I'm not feeling anything except hunger.  That's about all that's different - I'm hungrier than I usually am.   

Well, there is something that is different.  Still different all the way through this.  I'm not obsessing.  I forget to update my blog.  I forget that I just had an IVF.  I'm not googling everything related to IVF, and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night wondering if things are going good down there.  I'm not worried about it.  I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring.  I am thrilled with the idea of a healthy pregnancy and raising a child, but I am tired with wanting it so endlessly.  It's exhausting.

I realize that what's so different is that I'm done 'wanting' so badly.  It's not something I want to experience anymore.  I am going to enjoy the experience for what it is no matter where it takes me; I'm going to gasp and laugh with the highs and let my stomach sink with the lows, but no matter what I am going to feel, above all, the thrill of it all. 

I will feel disappointment and worry when a cool shadow of question falls across my face.  I'll feel the hot surge of hope deep in my stomach when a whisper of hope whirls through world.  There will be moments of sweet, tangy anticipation and breathless, cold moments of dread, but I am finished with the empty, numb feeling of want.  And I am grateful for the ride, so very, very grateful.

Samosas and Babies

I am now "pregnant until proven otherwise" or "PUPO" in the IVF/fertility world.  Today the doctors placed three beautiful embryos into my awaiting uterus and I couldn't be happier.  Although David wasn't able to be there with me, my long time girlfriend was there, and when she asked if she could come into the operating room with me, I was both surprised and deeply thankful. 

She donned the gown, cap and booties and shared one of the most amazing experiences of my life with me.  So much better when you have a loved one there to witness something so sacred.  She was actually a little choked up about it, as was I, of course.  

There were only two transfers this morning, so the clinic was lazy and dim, very peaceful... I hadn't drank enough water to fill my bladder.  Last time I did this I was cramping so bad from having to pee that my stomach was literally contracting and my back was enduring spasms.  Not. This. Time.  This time, I drank only until they told me it was just right, and then was able to endure the 15 minutes of flat on my back stillness without much difficulty.  

I fly home tomorrow evening.  This trip has been very, very different for me.  Life has been much more full these past few months, with my determination to stop obsessing about wanting a baby.  I've truly needed the time with my girlfriend more than I could ever have imagined.  Lately, my female relatives and I have had a bit of a regression (to put it mildly) in what were already strained and painful relationships.... mostly since my sister passed away.  

Being with a female friend, someone who loves my company, enjoys long deep conversations, depends on my opinion and is quick to give me hers.... A friend who has me in her home, insists on me taking her lovely, serene bedroom, but loves to come in with hot chai tea, just talking or reading together... whom I've been able to browse bookstores with and explore restaurants with, whom shared her secret recipes and wrote down mine, whom is so totally honest with me and whom cares so much for what I am experiencing and praying for...  Well... this two weeks has been deeply emotionally healing and enjoyable in more ways than I can count.  

Sisters are not just people you are related to.

Anyhow... along with the rebirth of a very treasured friendship, I am greatly anticipating another birth that will take place sometime in June or July of 2011... 

We transferred three gorgeous embryos... a 3AA, 3AB and a 2AB, with five more going to freeze.  That's one more than last cycle, so yeah for us!  The doctor started to do the whole "are you sure you want to transfer three" and I said "Yes, we ARE sure"... and that was that... he said he thought it was a good idea as well, although he did say there was a good chance of all three sticking.  We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

Tomorrow brings a final lazy day of doing nothing in one of the most beautiful, progressive and vibrant cities in the world, followed by an early dinner and late trip to the airport.  Midnight will find me on home ground in my little northern town, sporting some amazing samosas, indian spices, gifts for my kids and one or two babies to be.

MMMmmmmm samosas.  

Day Four Morulas

Wow.  Feels like I've written this before.  In February, I think.  Ugh.

Let's hope for a better outcome this time, shall we?

So anyhow... we have eight embryos that are now four days old.  They are at morula stage, which is just some name for how far they've developed.    The cells are starting to compact and not usually individually visible.  They say it's not unusual to lose half of the embryos from day three but thankfully this hasn't happened!

What else hasn't happened...  Well for one thing I go hours and hours without thinking about the IVF.  Even half a day or more.  This does not mean I am cold hearted or uncaring, it means I am able to distract myself with some degree of success and think about other things.  Like spending much, much needed girlfriend time with Simar; like doing a little Christmas shopping for my family; like just taking hot baths and cooking good food.

Another thing that hasn't happened is that I am not freaking out about what we will do if this doesn't work. David and I had a very serious, very honest talk about what we would do in that case.  And at the end of it all, we both agreed the following facts:

• We only have a small window of time that I can safely conceive a child.
• We have excellent results as far as:
• Egg production
• Sperm production
• Egg quality
• Fertilization
• Implantation
• We survived the first miscarriage and agreed it was the hardest.
• Money, while never to be taken lightly, is not really an issue in this case.  We do not regret one single penny of what we've spent so far, and it hasn't impacted our savings or our future.
• Success, aka a child of our own, will make every needle, every plane trip, every ultrasound, pill, doctor's appointment, tear and heartache worth it.
• If it doesn't work, we have our entire lives to get over it.  Yes there will always be sadness attached to the loss and inability to conceive, however, life is not without loss and sadness.

In the past, David has been rather hesitant to take the next step in all of this.  From the decision to try, to timing intercourse, to IUIs, to clomid, to IVF, and then to IVF again... we've had intense discussions (never angry or arguing) about whether or not to do this... to take it another step. 

Once he's on board, I could not dream of a better partner and husband.   He is supportive, encouraging, hopeful, thankful and all around a wonderful guy.  It's the time between the failure and the agreeing to keep going that's really tough on me (and him I suspect).  I just don't have it in my any more to keep pushing and pulling him along during those in-between times.  I am also dealing with the hormones, the wear and tear on my body, my business being left, and the eventual loss of the pregnancy... so to have to try and use my feminine charms to get him back in the saddle was just too much for me this time.  Previously I've always begun to worry more about 'can we try again' if this fails than the actual failure itself.  Not good!  

So what also hasn't happened is that I am no longer as anxious about possible failure meaning possible end of the road.  David said that he agreed with me on the above facts listed, and that he wants to give it all we can until we can't anymore.  Whew.  Emotional load just released from my shoulders.  Thank you, honey.

Tomorrow is Egg Transfer time.  No idea why I cap't that, but it seemed like a Big Deal, so I did.  10:30 tomorrow we'll be pregnant with three embryos who hopefully decide to stick it out and meet mom and dad in about nine months.  

Wish.  Me.  Luck.  ;)

Day Three Embryos

Sorry for not updating.  Sorry Sorry Sorry but I was visiting David and didn't really have internet access since Sunday.  David left last night and so I am back at my girlfriend's house, wrapped up in a comfy blanket, sipping chocolate milk and watching Oprah.  Life is pretty tough.

So, on Tuesday we had our egg retrieval.  It was pretty uneventful.  Pretty painful but not nearly as bad as the first time.  I had over two times the amount of meds this time and still had hardly any side effect.  They were surprised at how fast I metabolized the painkillers.  We managed to produce 32 eggs, but were kind of surprised to find only 12 fertilized normally.  Ugh.  I admit I was kind of bummed at the news, but when you really think about it, having 12 fertilized eggs is pretty good considering I am 39 years old.

Today, on Friday, the lab called and we now have eight leaders with eight cells each, with good to average quality.  Two did not divide yet, but the lab said it could be a matter of hours before the cells divided.  We are honestly thrilled with 8 at this stage.

More updates to follow!

Trigger Time.. Already!

Ahhh doctor was happy this morning but not as happy as I was to find out I have only one more injection to do for this journey.


The blood draws are getting painful, and when doing my meds at home, I manage to hit a blood vein every third injection, which causes bruising, and about every second time it somehow feels like a bit of acid being injected into my body.  Truly starting to detest bleeding on a daily basis.


If I'm gonna keep up my whining, I'm going to talk about how tender my stomach is.  It's a little beyond tender, and downright hurts when I sit down or bend over.  I can feel pressure just standing or laying.  I get two more days of growth before retrieval.  Cheer up, buttercup... there were ladies in the waiting room today who were striving to get nine eggs, much less over 20.  And they were younger.  And didn't have two gorgeous kids already.


Okay.  'Nuff of that crap.  I'm pumped full of hormones, I'm bursting at the seams, I'm ready to lay down a trail of eggs between here and China.  Suddenly I have a bacon craving.  And pancakes.  Ugh.

Sept 29 - Ovaries Clear

Sept 29 - Lining 3.6

Sept 29 - E2 - 37

Oct 4 - AFC - 16 Rt Ovary

Oct 4 - AFC - 15 Lft Ovary

Oct 4 - Lining - 3.6mm

Oct 4 - E2 - 1045

Oct 6 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10 8.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 12, 12.5, 12.5 total 18

Oct 6 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 9.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11, 11.5, 13, 13.5 total 16

Oct 6 - Lining - 9.1mm

Oct 6 - E2 -  2822

Oct 8 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10, 10, 11, 11, 11, 13, 13, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 14.5, 15, 16 total 17

Oct 8 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 12, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 14, 14, 14.5, 14.5, 18 total 16

Oct 8 - Lining - 11.4mm

Oct 8 - E2 - 7685

Oct 10, 2010 - Rt Ovary - 5<12, 14.5, 14.5, 15, 16.5, 17, 18, 18.5, 19, 20, 20.5 total 15+
Oct 10, 2010 - Lft Ovary - 5<12, 13, 14, 15, 15.5.15.5, 16.5, 17, 17, 19, 20 total 15+
Oct 10, 2010 - Lining 14 mm
Oct 10, 2010 - E2 - 15,484


This doesn't mean we are getting 30 eggs.  It doesn't mean anything other than things are looking great.  We stimmed for only ten days and got a fabulous response.  It means my lining is great, and all the timing is perfect for David's arrival.  


All in all it's great news.  Now I wait.  I've begun to think about when I can test... I'll have my transfer on Sunday and be 5DPO already... Typically I can get a positive bfp at 8DPO or 9DPO.  That means waiting until Wednesday or Thursday to test.  Of course.... I'll be testing out my trigger so I know it's not a false positive.   And I'm rambling.  Later guys... gotta rest for a while and then off to pick up David from the airport.

iPhones & Ultrasounds

Okay.  So I'm a research freak.  Most of my long time TTC friends know that.  I am also getting way too used to things being poked into my body and being examined by strangers.  

So when you combine the need for research with my casual attitude towards being a human test tube, you get me, laying on my back in a dimly lit exam room, naked from the waist down ('cept my socks - less personal that way), with a doctor  between my knees, poking a wand around my girly parts while I casually type away information he's giving to the nurse.

I think he heard the clicking.  The doctor, I mean.  Because he looked up and over at me and asked if I were recording the follicle sizes.  I said yes, and he laughed.  He then told the nurse to photocopy my information and give it to me.  Hah!  I love it.  

I also took the time to beg for drugs during my appointment.  My last egg retrieval had me moaning and groaning on the table, with a sympathetic nurse holding my hand.  My doctor promised to make sure I had more than my fair share of drugs this time around, based on the amount of follicles that were developing.  

So for my IFV friends who know what the hell I am talking about.. here are my numbers so far:

Sept 29 - Ovaries Clear

Sept 29 - Lining 3.6

Sept 29 - E2 - 37

Oct 4 - AFC - 16 Rt Ovary

Oct 4 - AFC - 15 Lft Ovary

Oct 4 - Lining - 3.6mm

Oct 4 - E2 - 1045

Oct 6 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10 8.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 11.5, 12, 12.5, 12.5 total 18

Oct 6 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 9.5, 10, 10, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 10.5, 11, 11.5, 13, 13.5 total 16

Oct 6 - Lining - 9.1mm

Oct 6 - E2 -  2822

Oct 8 - Follicles Rt Ovary - 5<10, 10, 11, 11, 11, 13, 13, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 14.5, 15, 16 total 17

Oct 8 - Follicles Lft Ovary - 5<10, 12, 13, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 14, 14, 14.5, 14.5, 18 total 16

Oct 8 - Lining - 11.4mm

Oct 8 - E2 - 7685

Bored Rant.

Not because I am especially angry or anything, but because I'm especially bored.  My girlfriend and I are having a rare 'alone' evening.  Since I got here we've been drinking and eating and laughing and tonight we are just tired.  She's on her laptop across the room, I'm on mine here, and Criminal Minds is playing in the background on TV.  Ah.  I love visits like this.  

Okay.  Rant.  Today I was in the MetroTown Mall.  Since I am bored and wandering, I tend to look around a lot and watch people.  I could not help but notice an elderly Chinese woman with a cane coming towards me.  She was on the arm of a young man whom I suppose was her son.  She was drawn up and hunched, her hair hanging over her face, but as she passed, she looked sideways at me.  She had a meaty purple bruise covering her eye.  I stopped dead in my tracks and watched them pass.  Then I noticed, that in spite of her hunched back and cane, she was being practically dragged through the corridor.  She was walking much more quickly than seemed possible for someone so old and having to use a cane.  I watched them fade into the faceless crowd, but my heart was aching for her.  I thought of my own mom, who is still able to get around quite well, and how she would never be able to walk that quickly... and wondered what or who had struck the woman's face, and how tender it must be.  I felt so helpless.

I'm so not obsessing about this cycle that I really haven't even thought ahead to what I'll feel if I get pregnant.  Or, if I don't.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around it not implanting.  We've had that so many times already, that *getting* pregnant seems a given.  It's the keeping it that is going to be an issue.  It's waiting until we get that first ultrasound.   I sometimes wish that nobody knew about this except me, so I could go secretly and get my test and my ultrasound and if it's all a heartache and sadness I can lick my wounds quietly and go on with life.  It's seeing my hero, my husband, broken with the amazement of yet another miscarriage that is hardest for me.  I think I could do this for years if not for that part.

I somehow know that it's just a numbers game.  I've carried children.  I have tons of eggs and David's sperm is just fine. We get fertilized eggs, I have perfect lining, our tests were all perfect.  I suspect it's because we are older that we just haven't gotten the right egg yet.  I also suspect it's because of all the stress that has been in my life these past couple of years.  Face it.  I'm older, and my eggs are more fragile.  It's just numbers.  It will happen if we try long enough.  

Tick Tock

Nothing really new to report today.  I got out of the house early for the ultrasound and blood work this morning, managed to get on the road before the break of dawn and was super early for my appointment.  Yay.  At least I wasn't stressed.

Everything went well... I have really difficult veins and so far the nurses have hit them every time this round.  Except for today, the vial was only half full and the blood just stopped.  Ugh.  It was dripping slowly and the nurse was wriggling the needle in and out trying to get some action.  I hate it when that happens.

The follies are doing great - the doctor never bothered to count all of them this time but noted at least a dozen on each side of notable size.  One follicle was already at 18mm and he figured that one would over mature and the egg would not be suitable.  All in all, he was totally happy with things and took my medication down to:  Bravelle 225 mg and Menopur 75 mg and Lupron 5 units for tonight and the same for tomorrow except the Bravelle will lower to 175 mg tomorrow night.

Egg retrieval is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday or Wednesday, not Monday, in order to let as many eggs mature as possible.  I'm 100% okay with that!  David flies in Sunday evening so we'll have most of the week to visit.

I am noticing I am more tired than before, and the hormones are beginning to have some effect on my hormones.  Only par for the course.. and it's not going to get any better!  Thankfully the shop is running beautifully and I am not at all worried about what's going on there.  It makes a world of difference to my state of mind (and body!).

First Ultrasound

Went fabulous!

My E2 (estrogen) was 2682 - doctor was happy with that number, and it took forever to count all the growing follies on each ovary.

So far, we have 13 follicles on each ovary measuring between 10 and 12 mm, and at least 4 more that are smaller than 10mm.  At least 30 growing follicles!!

That's pretty awesome!  I feel confident this time... and I also feel the swelling ovaries and pressure on my abdomen... It's going to get more each day from here on in.  It's Wednesday and they anticipate egg retrieval to be on Monday or Tuesday.

I will have to get up earlier to get to my appointment on time.  I awoke at 6.. meaning to get out of the house by 6:30, but didn't leave until nearly 7.  I met bumper to bumper traffic only blocks away from the house.  It was a bit stressful as I'm using my phone as a GPS, and had never taken that particular route before, but I managed to somehow pull into the parking lot of the clinic at 7:28 am, only a moment or two late by the time I got up to the 5th floor.

My medication was lowered to 225mg of Bravelle (3 vials) and still one vial (75 mg) of Menopur and the five units of Lupron.  There is a teeny bit of concern that I might be stimming too quickly, but it's just something we are watching and not really blowing the warning whistle.  David arrives around 6 on Sunday, so hopefully we get to do the retrieval on Monday.  If I can't be enjoying a turkey dinner with my family I'd like to be at least busy in the operating room producing a possible brood.  How cool if the embies were fertilized on Thanksgiving!

A Few Details

I have the entire day in front of me.  An ENTIRE day of nothingness.  I've taken just a few days off in the past six weeks and they were busy, filled with housework and errands, and one very exhausting but fun 18 holes of golf.  Having a few days to myself is unusual and exciting.  

While at the FSJ airport yesterday, I amused myself by watching a young (or at least new) mother trying to manage a pair of twin girls.  They were about three or four months old.  She had a woman with her, whom I suspect was a nanny.  The mother and the nanny spent no less than ten full minutes getting the girls into baby chest carrier thingys (they were just starting to produce those when my boys were born).  The two women fought with straps and chubby legs and jackets, finally getting the girls settled in to the mother's satisfaction.  At one point she asked the nanny if she had a hair clip because the nanny's hair got in the baby's face when the nanny turned her head....  to say she was particular is an understatement!

Then we got our boarding call.  The women jumped up and quickly went into the airplane.  It was less than a 100 foot walk.  Upon the rest of us boarding the aircraft, we all had to wait another full five minutes in the isle while the women wrestled the babies OUT of the chest carrier thingys.  I was honestly annoyed at the ridiculous stress the mother put on the four of them.  Why not just throw the kids on their hip and quickly walk?  Do we REALLY have to use accessories just because we have them?  Don't you think that some things that we now have actually make life more expensive and difficult, but look trendy? 

Essential or no?  Perhaps for a long walk, but aren't they hard on the parent's backs...?  Also...  I'm adult size and can't imagine straddling 6" of material between my legs - it looks uncomfortable!

*Afternoon Post*

Today I went shopping.  I shopped and then put things back, unable to justify the purchase if it were truly impulsive.  After four solid hours I ended up with some makeup that I needed to replace, a halloween decoration and a couple small Christmas gifts for my eldest son.

I also went to a movie today.  No big deal, right?  Not really, to be honest, but I went alone and that's a first for me!  I went and saw a horror flick, "Devil".  I didn't like that there were only three other people in the theatre, and it was a pretty scary film....  perhaps a poor choice considering I usually end up getting  so freaked out I have to cover my eyes when watching trying to watch scary films.

Most of the movie takes place in an elevator.. it was a good, but they could have had more fun with the concept - tons of opportunity for more scary scenes.  Then again, I had my eyes closed for most of them so what do I know?

All in all, so far things are going well.  Tomorrow at 7:30 am is my first ultrasound to see how my follies are doing.... I'm about 30 minutes away, a small price for the enjoyable stay and money that I'm saving.. but a teeny bit stressful as I'm not sure about the morning commute from Delta and how bad the traffic will be.  

Wish me luck!

It's all different this time...

For one thing.. I am not driving in a deafening downpour of rain, through dark unfamiliar streets to a lonely hotel in a strange city.  Instead my flight landed in sunshine, my drive was casual (I know the city so much better now), and my destination was the epitome of a welcome homecoming.

My old roommate from my Prince George days lives in Delta, BC.  We spent nearly a year living in a tiny two bedroom apartment in a questionable neighbourhood where we got on our feet emotionally and financially, while laughing, eating and having endless girl nights.  We drifted apart when she became engaged and moved to the lower mainland, and I moved even further north after a horrid five year fiasco of a relationship.  Thankfully, we reconnected when I was here for my first IVF in January, and this round I didn't hesitate to call her up and ask if she had an extra pillow for me.

Simar is not only beautiful and intelligent, she is an amazing host.  She lives with her gorgeous teenage daughter, and Simar's mom, who speaks little english but is full of tenderness and kindness is often around the house as well.  So I arrived to a houseful of smiling, laughing women who were delighted to see me and feed me an amazing Indian supper.  I have a huge deep bed in a serene room, and a lovely home to myself during the day.  SO so so much better than when I was here before, checking into a cold hotel room!

And.. of course...  I'm not running back and forth on the ferry to the Island to take care of my sister.  I can't say I wish I were.   If I had to choose between her suffering and me getting the pleasure of seeing her, I will endure my pain so she doesn't have to endure hers.

I'm watching my favourite TV shows (they are Simar's favourites as well), with a huge cup of herbal tea, in my big fluffy robe, warm from a long, hot bath.  Ohhh I may never go home!

As for the IVF stuff, well, I had another blood draw this morning and my meds are the same for now.  300 mg of Bravelle (four vials) and 75 mg of Menopur, along with 5 units of Lupron.  My meds are double what I was doing last time.  I am anticipating a great number of eggs this time, and have begun to think of myself as a turtle.  As ovulation approaches, I am making a concentrated effort to avoid any sandy beaches.

Big Long Sigh - Here we go!

It's Sunday night and I am happily sitting at home typing on my pretty new little mac notebook that David bought me today.  Nice timing, hon!  Now I can keep up on my forums and blog while on my next baby-making trip to Vancouver.

Speaking of which, I leave tomorrow afternoon!  I am pretty excited about it, and very hopeful, which part of me finds oddly silly as we've had nothing but three years of heartache... but the other part of me keep thinking that *obviously* it's our turn and I can't wait to get the next positive test.

The nurse assigned to me, Vanessa, is wonderful.  She's on the phone with me at every step and I feel very taken care of.  I've been lucky to do my first week of monitoring and meds from here, avoiding an extra week away from work and all the extra money to travel.  Plus I am much more preoccupied with work and family so I'm not obsessing with everything.

My first scan was amazing.. I have 30 to 31 antral follicles, which is great!  These are the little follicles on the ovaries that are prepared to release eggs.  Antral follicle counts, or AFCs are a great indicator of the ovarian reserve (how many eggs are there), and this number, at my age, is really cause for celebration!  It means we have a high chance of lots of eggs and decent quality ones.

Total number of antral follicles	Expected response to injectable stimulating drugs and chances for IVF success
Less than 4	Extremely low count, very poor (or no) response to stimulation. Cycle cancellation is likely. Should consider not attempting IVF at all.
4-6	Low count, we are concerned about a possible/probable poor response to the stimulation drugs. Likely to need high doses of FSH product to stimulate ovaries adequately. Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation. Lower than average pregnancy rates for those cases that make it to egg retrieval.
7-10	Reduced count. Higher than average rate of IVF cycle cancellation. Moderately reduced chances for pregnancy success as a group.
11-15	Normal (but intermediate) count, the response to drug stimulation is sometimes low, but usually adequate. Slight increased risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Pregnancy rates as a group slightly reduced compared to the "best" group.
16-30	Normal (good) antral count, should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation. Likely to respond well to low doses of FSH product. Very low risk for IVF cycle cancellation. Some risk for ovarian overstimulation. Best pregnancy rates overall as a group.
Over 30	High count, watch for polycystic ovary type of ovarian response. Likely to have a high response to low doses of FSH product. Higher risk for overstimulation and ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Very good pregnancy rate overall as a group, but some cases in the group have egg quality issues and somewhat lower chances for pregnancy.

Tomorrow I go for another blood test in the morning and then the flight in the afternoon.  I'm already missing my husband, kids, my mom and the girls at the shop, but I am looking forward to a visit with my long time girlfriend Simar, and exploring the gorgeous city again!

I'm Back

Or at least I will be.  Updating soon.  Things are on the move again.  Climbing yet a little higher but with all these scars I'd hardly feel another fall down the rocky slope - I'm giddy with fear-filled abandon.

Got dates.  Got times.  Got a knot in my stomach.

Oh, and hosting a baby shower this afternoon.  Full of new babies and even a pregnant belly on the guest list.  Proud of me?  I'm trying so hard...!

A Number of Things

Where to start.  Sometimes throughout my day I'll have some profound thought or feeling and want to blog about it.  I want to share it with someone who understands the language I'm speaking.  Sometimes, I feel like I am in a land full of deaf people who cannot understand what we have gone through, only those who are enduring loss or infertility can hear me.  Everyone else just goes dumbly about their lives, ignorant to the fact that I sometimes feel as though my soul is bleeding.

The other night, while getting my ridiculously hot bath ready (I do that in rebellion of being not-pregnant), I did have an interesting thought.  I have had some pretty positive experiences as a result of this rocky road.  I'll list them.

• working normal, eight hour days (most of the time)
• taking better care of my house (being home to do that helps)
• being productive, such as building decks and helping my mom more (this was accomplished as a result of keeping myself busy in order to not end up in a counsellor's waiting room)
• focusing more on my health, drinking more water, eating healthier, taking my vitamins
• listening more intently to David, talking more intently to David
• appreciating my grown children more than ever
• seeing pregnancy as the miracle it is
• loving babies and children more than I ever thought possible
• researching my reproductive system on a medical level (I think every woman should know this stuff)
• understanding grief and learning healthy ways to work through it
• recognizing depression and avoiding it through communication, distraction, friends and family
• having a greater appreciation for the love of my husband, seeing him in a different light
• learning about my relationship and how to nurture it through the sadness
• not taking life for granted, not assuming things will, or should work out the way we 'want'
• being overwhelmed with gratitude that at least I did have children, and will most likely enjoy the miracle of grandchildren
• I now speak 'infertility' and can hear and talk to the other bleeding souls out there who understand
• this blog. 

It's not all peaches and cream.

There are some real differences in my life that also must be noted...

• I cannot truly make the connection between being pregnant and having a baby
• I have spent at least 21 weeks being pregnant or at least being told that I was
• I get angry when people complain about being pregnant or having children
• I sometimes get scared that my sons, or their girlfriends will be scared when it comes time to have their own children
• I thought I would love getting close to and turning 40.  Now it feels like a death sentence - for my unborn children
• I am fearful that I am creating a deep sadness in my husband's soul... a pain-filled chasm deep I will never be able to fill, no matter how many jokes I tell, how many cookies I bake, or how many trips we travel
• there's more, but I'm not the type to dwell on the crappy stuff - for long.

I'm going to give it about 28 days and then I will take the drug (can't think of it right now) that will make me  get my period.  Then, when that happens, I'll start birth control for a month, then schedule my three day scan and then at some point I start lupron shots. 

At the end of that cycle, I start my second IVF cycle.  Just typing that made a familiar little sparkly ball of hope jump around in my stomach.  What if this works?  What if I have a baby of my own next year?  I start to imagine the doctor handing that little baby to my husband, and his reaction, and my sense of relief that I finally did something for someone, for this amazing man, for someone I love more than myself.  Don't think this isn't about me when you read that.  This baby is wanted by me more than... well, you can imagine - you speak 'infertility' too, right?  But when it comes right down to it, I've had children. I've walked that path and he hasn't.... and I want to give it to him.

A Decision Has Been Made.

First off I must say a huge, heartfelt thank you to the women who read and write on my blog.  Also for the amazing emails of support and encouragement I get.  They are the difference between me carrying on versus becoming a huge bloody bowl of emotional jell-o.   Feedback is like warm fuzzy hugs from a best friend.... hot soup after coming in from a long day in the snow.... you get the picture.  Thank You!

Knowing that there are people out there who actually understand, who actually care about what happens to us is quite overwhelming.  To date, only a handful of family have acknowledged this staggering loss we've experienced, and it truly adds insult to injury.

Is it because they are used to it?  Do they think I'm too old and that it's hopeless, so why encourage me?  Do they think I deserve it?  Do they think we are used to it?  Maybe it's just too uncomfortable for them.  I just can't quite see myself not offering some sort of support to someone I was close to, or even simply knew as a casual friend. 

I don't expect sympathy flowers or cards - I'm not that into my own grief.. but when my little brother came to me and said "I'm really sorry things didn't work out, I hope you guys are okay", my heart just melted and I felt that my loss was somehow honored just a little bit.  That little spark of life, that David and I talked about and dreamt about and already started to love was somehow more... justified by someone else recognizing the pain we experienced from losing that spark, that dream, that hope. 

Okay.  Whining aside.  First off, let me catch you up on how I'm doing. 

I'm doing fine.   That reminds me of a joke we used to say amongst my twenty-something friends.  If you were 'fine', it meant: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  Saying you were fine was code for "I'm having an emotional break down, call the loony bin and make sure my bed is reserved". 

Of course, I am not twenty-something anymore and I am honestly talking about being fine.  Hmmmm lets explore the word.

fine  adj. fin·er, fin·est

1. Of superior quality, skill, or appearance: a fine day; a fine writer.


2. Very small in size, weight, or thickness: fine type; fine paper.


3.   a. Free from impurities.


      b. Metallurgy Containing pure metal in a specified proportion or amount: gold 21 carats fine.


4. Very sharp; keen: a blade with a fine edge.


5. Thin; slender: fine hairs.


6. Exhibiting careful and delicate artistry: fine china.

7. Consisting of very small particles; not coarse: fine dust.


8.    a. Subtle or precise: a fine difference.


       b. Able to make or detect effects of great subtlety or precision; sensitive: has a fine eye for color.


9. Trained to the highest degree of physical efficiency: a fine racehorse.


10. Characterized by refinement or elegance.


11. Satisfactory; acceptable: Handing in your paper on Monday is fine.


12. Being in a state of satisfactory health; quite well: I'm fine. And you?


13. Used as an intensive: a fine mess.
 

Yes, I would think that fine is the right word to describe how I am, with more than one definition being appropriate.  While looking up the word... I came across these.. which get the idea of the word across in a much more dramatic fashion.

 

i wonder who pays the $200...

yeah.  i can see that you are. (hugs)

Zara Phillips declared herself "fine" despite suffering a fall at the Bramham International Horse Trials which today forced her to withdraw from the rest of the competition.

(and they say to get right back on the horse after a fall.  i feel her pain - should i also withdraw?)

these are fine, too.

 

Well.  you get my point.   I'm fine.  Whatever that means!

 

I actually spent the weekend doing very productive things.  Cleaning, cooking - oh gawd I do love to cook, helping my wonderful mom out with some cleaning and shopping, and writing this lovely blog page of course.  I'm about to go scrub my bathroom and dust the living room and vacuum, which will make me feel especially productive and useful.  Right after I put the second batch of homemade buns in the oven. HA!  "BUNS IN THE OVEN. "

 In the words of my favorite alien, Alf, "Ha! I KILL ME!"

Wow.  I am seriously avoiding.  Okay, dammit.  We've made a decision.  Actually, David did.   I left the timing of the next IVF to him, just laid out my thoughts for him to ponder and ponder he did. He wants us to get right back in the race.  Jump back in the saddle.  Keep paddling for shore.  You know.  Do it again, right away.  I agree.  Although I now equate trying to conceive more with heartache and pain and sadness than actually getting a baby, I am still hopeful and excited and have a possibly retarded thread of golden hope that I lovingly toy with from time to time. 

Looks like the end of September we'll be going for our second IVF.  Yay.  Anyone wanna come keep me company in Vancouver for three weeks?  

Torn Between Two Men

So after things settled down and the tears were spilled and wiped up, David and I talked.  I was surprised and relieved that he wanted to try again without any pushing on my part.  However, he wants to wait until January, to give ourselves a chance to lead a normal life for a few months, for my body to cleanse itself of all the hormones and to give me a break from the rigors of ivf-life. 

some days i just want to forget everything that's happened.

I spoke to my doctor today.  He said there was no known reason for what was happening to us, but that our miscarriages were not 'clinical miscarriages', and didn't seem to think they would put us at a higher risk for losing more pregnancies.  Bad fucking luck all the way around.  And I am generally known as a woman who has horseshoes up her butt.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe it's the horseshoes up my butt that's causing the baby to not grab on... too uncomfortable.

Anyhow.

The RE wants us to try again - no promises, but he thinks we still have a great chance.  However, he said that our chances might lower (would lower) by up to 10% if we waited until January.  Doctor H wants us to try again in late September, because at my age, he said, every month counts and we should try earlier than later. 

If everything were equal, I'd rather wait until January.  David feels the doctor is simply putting us into categories and piling statistics onto us to rush us, but David knows that he can't totally say that Doctor H is wrong.  Do we take that chance?  David feels that the break will do us good ... that it will improve our chances for conception and a healthy pregnancy. 

As far as my feelings...  well... I will have to go through everything no matter what month it is.  It won't matter to me emotionally, I don't think.  I've done pretty well so far.  Pretty well.  I am kind of confused and anxious about what to do.  There have been so many big decisions, so much of our life dedicated to this journey, some hours I just want to let it all go.  Just go back to being newly married and deliriously happy and renovating our home and working to lose the extra weight and not have this miscarriage trying to get pregnant persona attached to everything that I am.

On the other hand, I've got my entire life ahead of me to do that.  I only have a couple of years available to make a baby.  A couple of years that might be just as painful as the last couple of years, but the payoff, if there is one... will make every moment worth it.

So which way do I go... do I put my trust in my husband's instincts or my doctor's educated guess?  I want to do whatever will bring me a baby.... that's all.

Cleaning

A hand on my stomach when I woke
Like so many mornings before
My own, there... by habit
Feeling for a change, a rise,
Sending messages
Quickly gone, shamed to admit
Maybe I'd forgotten
The scarlet truth.
Hot bleach water
Burning that hand
Rags swirling across dirt
Scrubbing away stains
And memories
Over and over
And over.
On my knees, reddened,
Some ignored tears,
A sob from someone
In the room,
I'm surprised that
I'm alone.
Jerking myself back
To the task at hand
Erasing everything I can
From the mess I made
Yesterday.
It's not so much this time
About what we lost
More so about
What we may
Never have at all.

Just Me In My Skin.

When I went for my ultrasound on Friday, I had high hopes.  I really did think there was a chance for all this to happen, and after getting positioned and giving the ultrasound tech a few moments, I asked her point blank, "is there anything there?  Should I even hope?"

She said she didn't see anything yet, and decided to do a transvaginal u/s.  I pretty much knew at that point what the news was going to be.  My thoughts jumped to my husband sitting outside the room, and how excited and hopeful he was to be called in to see the heartbeat of his first child.  I lay there, quietly staring off into space, my thoughts with David and how he would take this, while the tech tried in vain to see something, anything she could contribute to an embryo.  It felt like the world was dropping out from beneath me and I was nothing.  Not even tears could express my sadness. 

The tech apologized to me, and showed me the screen where I numbly confirmed that she was right, there was not even a speck of anything in the black, silent sac.  Nothing at all.  Like me. 

Leaving the room and facing David was one of the most difficult experiences I've had to go through during all of this.  He had a bewildered look on his face when I appeared instead of the tech, and asked what had happened.  I couldn't talk until we left the hospital.  We sat in the parking lot of the hospital for over an hour, not sure where to go, not wanting to be anywhere, just grieving and consoling each other.  We called our parents and consoled them through their own loss, then cried again after hanging up, trying to be strong for them, so they wouldn't hurt for us anymore than they already did.

We asked each other what we needed, and surprisingly, he wanted to go to the driving range with my oldest son, who is 22.  I encouraged him to go, to do what he needed to get through the initial sting.  Me, I went to the grocery store and bought two huge t-bone steaks, a pound of crab legs, baked potatoes and everything needed for gingered vegetables.  I updated my facebook - hating it but needing the support of my friends and family who were all anxiously awaiting good news. I called my clinic and spoke to my doctor - you can do that when you pay stupid amounts of money for private medical care - and he confirmed to stop my meds and he would call on Monday.

I went home and headed straight for the liquor cabinet.  Two shots of high quality vodka in an extra spicy caesar (for my American friends that's a clam/tomato juice, vodka, salt, spice and Tabasco sauce) seemed appropriate.  Then I began cooking.  Ninety minutes and another drink later, David walked in to find an entire steak and seafood dinner just hitting the dining room table.  A good friend from out of town (one of my best friends from my hometown, actually) showed up soon after and we sat on the deck in the warmth of a lovely sunset, just talking about anything but babies and pregnancy. 

I had a few tears when I went to bed.  I curled up in my husband's arms and wept, feeling empty and stupid and useless... and he held me and listened and we fell asleep wrapped around each other.  There was a hole in our world that was just too big to comprehend....

I had nightmares, and woke at 4 a.m., and lay in bed, miserable and unwilling to start my day.  David had gone to work and I called him three times just to hear his voice.  "This is me," I said on the third call, "being clingy," and he laughed, which made me laugh.

He came home from work early.. and we talked.  We talked about how much it hurt, but each hour made the pain more blunt and more manageable.  I told him that we'd endured this before, and gotten through it.  I said that if it never worked, we had our entire life to heal, but only a short time to keep trying... and if we were successful, if it worked, then all the pain we went through would be forgotten.  It would be worth it.  He agreed, and suggested we do another cycle in January.  At first... I wanted to push for a sooner date, but I know this is his journey as well, and so I agreed without argument.  I am kind of excited to have a few months to just try naturally, and to lift things and run and take really hot baths and not inject something into my body every day.

I'll be talking to the doctor on Monday, to try and figure out what might be causing this or if it's really just bad luck.  I'll post that then... meanwhile.. did I mention that even though I am on horrid hormones and fertility drugs that I have managed to LOSE 10.5 lbs of the 26 that I gained?  That feels freaking good.  Oh, and tonight, after a long walk with my husband and the dog, and some running and laughing and relaxing, that I got my period?  Or my miscarriage started, however you want to think about it.  For this I am happy..... I want my body to cleanse itself of everything and just be me for a while.  No pregnancy hormone, no maybe-baby, nothing but me inside my skin.